#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

I really want to talk to someone at his office too. There's only one I can think of, I've only met her once, she is or was senior to him,

These middle aged guys , they will never learn. What idiots so many of them are. Smart sassy women who lived them for what they were and knew already the good and the not so good , with a great sense of humour ( and I bet you are attractive too) don't grow on trees. You will be a real catch at the point you become interested again , if you do that is. I can guarantee that a few years down the line he will be thinking WTF !!! My DH did something very stupid 11 years ago that I didn't find out till last year, he too had left evidence around . He now says he can't think what possessed him, and feels very small, I have stayed but am on permanent alert and the verdict is still out.

@worldupsidedown
Massive respect to you. Massive.
You know the saying 'like with like..'? I suggest you do just that. Do not text him, do not speak to him. If he speaks to you, reply with as much brevity as you can! If he texts, wait as long as you can before replying. YOUR time, NOT his.
Match the bastard at every turn!

Ffs, how is it that the radio plays all the wrong songs/songs appropriate to the circumstances. Even MIL mentioned that yesterday!

I wouldn't talk to anyone at his office - they work with him so loyalties will be there.

I had "take a little time" on repeat over and over again .....

Think carefully before involving his office World. Take the higher moral ground. Your behaviour has been beyond reproach- don't lose that now. Besides, practically if he loses his job, he'll have less money to support DD.

Also as pp said. He'll be very protective of MYGOWHHKBLTS (I think I got them all). Attacking her reputation is not going to help your cause.
Keep your dignity. You're doing so well.

I think that's an excellent idea with his stuff/car. I am a fan of 'if you don't move out to relieve the situation, you will be forcing me to move DD into temporary accommodation'. All of this coming and going is the last thing you need.

I would strongly advise leaving his work colleagues well alone. As deplorable as his behaviour has been work is his world and it butters your bread nicely. Keep it that way. Do what you want post divorce but by then you really won't give a flying fuck.

I work in finance, surrounded by men that have too much testosterone in their veins. If an unhappy wife tried to rock the apple cart here colleagues would probably close ranks and think very disparaging things about her I'm afraid. Take the high road as hard as that is.

Noted. Hopefully his colleagues will be intelligent enough to realise the true scenario. In the past I have often wondered how he talks about me to others, criticism, etc. but no, I've always been told he's always talked highly of me.

Agree with putyourhandsintheair, definitely take the moral high ground. If he's playing from the same old cheater/narc handbook he'll be already ramping up the smear campaign against you, telling people your the crazy one, lost the plot etc...Don't rise to it! If you start venting to people that you don't really know or are caught in the middle of this they will start to believe his bullshit. Keep your pride and dignity and he'll expose his true self in time, trust me. Keep venting to your mum, BGF, in this forum etc...

People who've been through this shit know how angry and hurt you are feeling and you just want to tell people what he's done and what a gigantic shit he is, but his mask is slipping along with his control over the situation and he'll expose his true self...they always do.

Be careful with Abba playlists, some jolly songs have very dark lyrics, not only winner takes it all but knowing me knowing you and one of us is flying, all guaranteed to set me off !! Don't forget they were splitting up when they wrote some of the later songs. Still those royalties must have come in handy!!!

Interesting topic about music. I found it really helpful to make playlists on my Spotify service...

• Happy - One of happy positive songs for when i felt a bit shit
• Fuck You - One of leaving cheaters and moving on with life

You can even search for "Cheaters" "Moving on" etc in Spotify and find ready made playlists.

In the past I have often wondered how he talks about me to others, criticism, etc. but no, I've always been told he's always talked highly of me.

He's using your good values and beliefs to his own advantage. It's all about his image...If people know you are a good person, this will reflect well on him.

I felt the same when I split with my now exw every song or TV plot seemed relevant , pick a song that empowers you and give it a blast in the car to lift your mood . I listened to 'Dakota' by Stereophonics every night on my way home from work it helped me get over her infidelity.

That's exactly how you want to leave it - his colleagues thinking highly of you. If you're strolling along the high road whistling nonchalantly they'll think he's the cliched old fool.

Something that helped me was to write down all the things I loved doing, that I'd stopped doing, never got around to doing because XH didn't like it or didn't want to do it and I made it happen. I made sure my diary was full of lovely distractions. I needed distractions otherwise I'd just have wallowed.

Is there somewhere you've always wanted to do or go with DD? A festival, a weekend away, is there something she's always fancied doing? If you're sporty how about one of those aerial works places for a day or a dance workshop? Chocolate making? Once you start looking for things to do there's so much out there.

Grab a holiday brochure and plan something with DD. The planning is as much fun as the time away.

"Ffs, how is it that the radio plays all the wrong songs/songs appropriate to the circumstances. Even MIL mentioned that yesterday!"

All last week Facebook kept sharing memories of our wedding as it was our anniversary recently, and as I had been friends with my D(Ex)W for many years before, it started sharing memories of pictures of her with her ex boyfriends! Seriously I felt like FB was trolling me!

I have a song just for you World from me , R.E.S.P.E.C.T. You certainly deserve it.

That FB memories thing is a shocker. A friend called off her wedding 2 days before the big day and subsequently broke up with her XP under harrowing circumstances. FB just sent her memories of her engagement two years ago. The only upside is that her reaction showed she's over him. I had to shut my FB account - way too much of a headfuck during my break up. I don't miss it.

Love the car idea!!!
Change the locks on your house too!

Don't change the locks!!!! You can't do that legally as he is a co-owner.

You have the legal upper hand at the moment, don't blow it on rash actions. If you start down that path then you're giving his lawyer ammunition.

She can change the locks if she's "lost her keys"

Sound advice from Bambam I think. You're playing the long game here rather than going for quick acts of revenge. I did a few of these myself although nothing of any great significance ( other than changing the locks). Your 'D'H's legal team will be looking for anything they can use against you. Having said that, my experience in court was that judges are surprisingly compassionate and understanding about that sort of thing. No one could reasonably expect you to act like a complete angel after being so mistreated.

I've split up twice and changed the locks both times on the basis that I did not feel safe and I was uncomfortable with the OH having 24 hour access. There was no comeback ever - the authorities understood my discomfort.

I know someone that has had no end of problems with her ex, yet has been told by legal people that she can't change the lock.

Keep the higher ground - do everything right. I wouldn't be chucking all his things into the car either. I'd tell him now that you'd like him to start packing his things and moving out ASAP, and say that you can "help him" with his packing while he's away if he's not quite finished. I wouldn't allow the long silences either, I'd be asking him how his house search was going - a little gentle nagging can only spur him on!

As for MIL/grandma, she does indeed deserve to see her granddaughter. She's been good to you so far, don't start playing games with her. Suggest that she has a nice day out with DD, away from all the hassle of what's going on. Tell her she needs some distractions from the situation. If DD wants to talk, that's fine, but talk about other things otherwise.

Moore good songs for blasting out -

Christine Aguillera - Stronger (Beautiful works well too).
Robbie Williams - Something Beautiful will come your way (from Escapology album. Feel is ok too).