#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

He's re-inventing himself and getting rid of anything that reminds him of his old life.

You're doing great but please, tell him to fuck off and get out of your sight ASSP

• ASAP !!!!!

I agree. He needs to move out and leave you space.

Totally agree with perper. Very sensible advice.

Please don't ask what they talked about. Your DD needs to know she can talk to people without being interrogated afterwards. If she wants to talk about it fine but if you go down the path of constantly getting her to report to you she may start feeling under more pressure.

I think that 'dehumanising' tactic is how they get through it. By treating World like an unsatisfactory employee whom he has to sack it somehow makes the situation more manageable for him. Mine behaved in exactly the same way - I know it sounds strange but his whole face changed somehow and he became almost robotic. Several people commented on it so I wasn't imagining it. Everytime I expressed emotion he just stared blankly and repeated the phrase ' I am terribly sorry you feel that way' as if he was nothing to do with it and was more like a detached observer. We have no contact at all now but the last time I did see him was at a tribunal hearing about child maintenance. He was apoplectic about being told it was going to be recalculated (in my favour) and I had enormous pleasure in repeating his favourite phrase back to him.
Stay strong World. You are a warm, lovely person with a DD who will respect you for the way you are dealing with this. You can't make up for her father's inadequacies but you can still have a very happy life together.

Oh dear. Just seen that there are wildfires on the outskirts of Athens.

So you haven't spoken at all since he came home and now he's buggered off without a word? I can't imagine that you got any sleep last night.

What are the plans for your living arrangements short term as this atmosphere isn't sustainable. Not to mention that DD shouldn't be exposed to this. I don't like that he can just pitch up a day earlier than agreed without warning either which is so unfair and unsettling on you. Has he started flat hunting? I'm sure that he could find something short term in Town that's cheaper than his train fare although that would require him looking.

thatdearoctopus - not to derail the thread, but last night I came back from Athens, where I spent time yesterday and the day before with close friends whose house escaped being burnt down in those forest fires by 300m as the fire-trucks arrived just in time. They lived through a hellish night, at risk of being caught by fire themselves. So, you know..

I did flat hunting for XH. I did everything I could to make the process easy for him. I even bought packing boxes and did his packing. It was purely tactical. Otherwise it would have gone on forever and ever, and I needed him gone.

He was so keen to get on with his exciting new life, being young, and free that he didn't really care about the wrong decisions he was making, not providing a home for his DCs. It's backfired.

Pitiful.

ExDP inexplicably developed an interest in the kind of music he'd formally have derided, predominantly country and western. Surprise surprise I later found out the OW liked it too - but I am guessing 'Stand by Your Man' wasn't one of her favourites as she was married (and had a young DD) at time when the affair began.

When you strip way all the so called 'romance' and 'you can't help all you fall in love with' bollocks away,
Cheats are pretty pathetic really.

Let's not forget MiL is DD's grandmother, is related to her, has a relationship with her etc., and DD is not the property of OP... if MiL wants time with DD, she is entitled to that, and they are entitled to discuss whatever they choose to discuss together.

I agree with this.
It's important that DD maintains a good relationship with her grandmother.
If she doesn't, then that means she will have 'lost' two important people in her life.
The Divorce is one loss.
No longer having a grandmother would be a second loss.

She will need her gran[s] more than ever.

Well yes, but MIL also has a responsibility not to put pressure on DD to accept her dad's version of events.

Do you know if your dd replied to his text?

So which happy songs can you have on the Radio when he comes home.
There is nothing better to life your spirits than a song you love and can sing too...
I used to play we are the champions to someone who annoyed me, but it used to make me feel so happy.
When you are alone stick your happy song mix on, I am sure your DD can help you make one, then when your cooking you can sing alone and listen to the music, instead of Grumpy in the Spare Bedroom.
Mama Mia Soundtrack always does it for me...

World the ring issue was what proved to me that my now ex-H had no intention of trying to save our marriage. Finding his wedding ring just shoved in a drawer was horrible. Equally horrible was when I was sorting through some jewellery which had been hidden at the back of a wardrobe- I handed him a box with his signet ring in "Dont know whose that is or where its come from" said he. it was a ring I had bought and had hand engraved for him to commemorate the birth of our eldest child. That hurt.

The Winner Takes it All was the one song that made me dissolve into hopeless tears whenever I heard it, even months down the line Choose your playlist with care! Although music can definitely lift your spirits and it would be a lovely thing for you and DD to do together.

Utter bastard, what's with the not talking attitude.
He's a grown man, stonewalling comes to mind.
He's treating the house like a bloody hotel, coming and going when he wants.
You don't need him coming home all hours at night when your in bed.

You've obviously not got money issues
There's loads of options he could do to find a place
Premier Inn(cheap)
AirBnb
Estate agents (rental properties)

Tell him you want him out, don't ask
Give him a time limit, the sooner the better.
He told you he wants out, so let him fuck off.

Sorry to say this
But he would off just looked at the text, read the first line
And deleted
He's not interested , he checked out years ago.

I'm thinking if he leaves his car in the driveway when he goes to Athens to move his stuff into his car and text him that I want him to get in his car when he gets back and leave. I've also made a list of words: infidelity, marriage, deception, empathy (the list is growing), I'd like to say I am composing a beautiful poem to his lover of everything so good and pure in her flakey heart to enjoy

Go girl! Brilliant idea about putting his stuff in his car. Even if car not there, could you pack it all up anyway? Wishing you all the very best x

Ps - just a thought - don't txt him straight away? It'll give him time to digest and sort out other arrangements

Sell his wedding ring for the gold.

With MIL and DD's talk, I can't t see that she'll have much to say that could be really contentious, so long as she (Mil) fully realises that reconciliation isn't on the cards.
It'll all be'dad still loves you' and you'll still see dad' and I'm here if you want to talk to me' type of thing. At least she's talking to DD, unlike dad.
His non communication with DD is truly shocking.
This is rather glaringly obvious maybe, but why can't the shirted Wonder stay with his patents for the time being? People commute from all over the very depths of Essex every day.
I'd send him a text saying he's it's unbearable for you and DD to live with him coming and going, and you don't want him returning to live at the house upon his return from Athens.
Mil could take some of his stuff home with her. And breathe....

I didn't see your idea about stuff in the car, but that's inspired!

I would be really clear and tell him that as he chose to unilaterally check out of your relationship years ago (by strumming his 'pain' with his fucking fingers in the corner) then he has to face the consequences and leave you to rebuild yours and DD's lives as quickly as possible. His presence at the house under these circumstances is detrimental to DD. To do this you've realised he has to move out into rented accommodation asap. In the meantime he can stay at a Premier Inn or with OW. Here's a list of options that are immediately available for moving into.

Let him stress about that while he's loved up and smoke choked in Athens.

I told my XH at the outset that he should pay all my legal costs for the divorce as he had unilaterally set us on course for divorce. He agreed out of guilt and stuck to it. It was £15k. I sent him all the bills and he reimbursed me.

I'd pin him down for the fees too.

You could go one step further, and drive his loaded car to his parents house and leave it there.