to NOT let my DC go and stay with a woman they have met once?

[donners312]

My narc ex took my to court for access for my 2 DC.

He saw them twice in 18 months before that and long story short has let them down a million times.

In court he asked for 50% of the school holiday. I agreed.

They are now returning from holiday tomorrow from Spain leaving all their cousins and family behind to spend 3 weeks with the 'D'F.

He has just told me "Sharon"will pick them up and have them because he has to work away. The have met her once.

This basically leaves me up shit creek without a paddle as i have to work but i can't send them to stay with a woman they don't know (he has never confirmed she is is GF) I have no idea where she lives? But it is not in this county approx 3 hours away I think.

Can see this back i court as i will say i am blocking contact but the contact was supposed to be with him not his latest victim?

nigelsface - thank you its hard to see the big picture today. But i know that is right. DC just messaged that they don't want to go on holiday because they had plans at the weekend (not even to disney ha ha) and her dad had said he would take her and now won't.

I just said she needs to tell her Dad and that i was 'sure dad would do what he can" will he fuck!!

he basically will just say "it is my time and the children will do and go where i elect" he'll actually use the word "elect" TWAT! never listens to them.

not even to Disney ha ha

The bitterness pouring out of you!

Oh get over yourself Ketchup. Nobody would feel happy to send their kids off with someone they only met once and didn't even like for 3 weeks. He made enough fuss to have them then turned around and said he wasn't even going to be there. I wouldn't be happy with that at all no parent would.

Taking the kids to Disney hardly makes up for not paying a penny in maintenance for years while living the life of Riley. He is still a shit dad trying to buy his kids off.

One day they will see through him and wont have time for him then he will realise what he has lost.

I think I can see where Ketchup is coming from.

The Op sasys she hasn't been on holiday for 4 years but then says she went to Spain - but staying with family isn't a holiday.

I suspect part of the reason the ex didn't see the kids for 18 months may also be down to the OP> She says herself in the first line of her opening post that he had to take her to court for access to his children which suggests she wasn't allowing access.

It seems to me that any time the access is not exactly how she wants it to be it MUST be wrong.

I am afraid that the OP is not hiding her hatred of her ex and all things to do with the ex and is trying to influence the children. The poor children would appear to be frightened into agreeing with what Mum says/wants.

I think you need to probably take step back and a deep breath. At 10 and 12 they are no longer tiny kids. If he is a twat and a narc they will soon see him for what he is. If he isn't though it could massively backfire and they will feel hurt that Mum kept them away and only ever slags off their Dad.

Please be careful you don't end up driving them away. I know it is hard when a relationship breaks down. I also know it is hard when the ex does all he can to get out of paying maintenance too (grr) but I think you need to try to keep these feelings out of dealings with the ex and the kids' relationship with him, hard as it may be.

The bitterness that she is getting out here Ketchup. And not to the kids -whom
She has sent off as they said they wanted to go and, note her earlier post, reassured that their dad would do what he could re their weekend away-wether she thinks he will or not, based on the evidence of his past performance.

My kids have no idea how I feel about their Dad and no doubt him about me. We spend time together as a four still once a month or so, it's fine and they enjoy it. I have him round for tea some nights as it's god for them to see us all together. It doesn't mean I have to be happy about the fact that he had an affair with my best friend and it doesn't mean I don't feel yes, bitter about it. It happens at fairly great emotional cost to me.That's natural. But I vent here about it, as opposed to speaking to the kids-because this is somewhere the kids don't have access to. Which is what the op is doing. Or do you talk to everyone in your life the way you do on here and not tailor what you say to your audience? (I certainly hope not).

I'd flatly refuse and make it clear that the children did NOT WANT TO SPEND THREE WEEKS WITH Sharon because sharon is not their father. Therefore how can OP be in breach of a contact order. Don't let them go OP. I wouldn't. And at their ages, their opinion will count.

Thank you all for your messages.

Ketchup - i think you are right i am certainly carrying around a lot of resentment and it does not help me i would love to let it go and i read a lot of books on forgiving. I just don't feel it and that is the problem i can say all the right things but...

One thing i would add is that rightly or wrongly i am not sure it is good to teach your children that someone can treat them like shit (as their father has done both to me and them - i have lots of threads on here if you want to read them he has done many things too numerous to mention here) and then you continue to allow that person to abuse you and you put on a face? What does that teach your children?

Nigel - thanks for your insightful comment i really do feel you understand what i am trying to say.

Wanderlust - love it!

all the best - i am not sure i would consider flying to Spain to pick my kids up for a day a holiday? esp with 4 hour delay there and 5 hour delay back?? But you are right i don't want to drive them away.

Donners, that's a good point about not letting you children see someone treating you badly. It's a tricky balance, but I genuinely think you will be in a better position to communicate that to them when you've been able to deal with your feelings yourself first. Not an easy task.

Ketchup, you're the one who would hand over your children to an old stranger with a cheery wave and not be bothered about where they were for a month....I don't think you should be advising anyone on parenting, do you?

Only vaguely relevant but my ex-H went self-employed then moved to Guernsey when youngest was 6 so he could avoid paying maintenance. It infuriated me when they'd come home from a week over there with him and tell me how much money daddy had spent on them. My money had to go on school shoes.
I sympathise OP.

yes i just do not believe that parents who do not pay maintenance care about their children! Plus they are always the ones who behave like dickheads in every other way as well. whilst we pick up the boring slack!!

Yes its bloody annoying when kids fathers cannot pay maintenance cos they are so strapped but not too strapped to go off for weekends with their new partner, go abroad, have more kids etc.

I have had per month what I should have been getting per week in maint' I am the one who mops up their tears when their dad fails to make it to see them (once a fortnight/month) cos of 'stuff' or 'somethings come up'.

I am the one providing everything for them, I am the one who went without for years so they could have basics. I am the one who kept on paying the mortgage, keeping a roof over their head while he gets to breeze in and be 'daddy' when it suits him.

I dont give a fig what he does in his own time but I do care that his kids seem to come 'first after everything else'.

I dont bad mouth him to them but they now know how unreliable he is but it has caused a lot of upset and stress and anxiety and low self esteem issues they really dont need.

Ketchup dont confuse your own issues with the rest of us. Your patronising tone speaks volumes.

As you dont know my kids ketchup, I'll probably continue to think I'm a better judge than you about what they know or don't know. They know they are happy as they possibly can be with split up parents.That's all they need to know isn't it?

I'm not going to drop my sense of entitlement to feel upset by something that was in fact extremely upsetting. I feel what I feel and I don't consider it healthy to deny that to myself or to an anonymous person on an Internet forum. The kids aren't made aware of it-that's the end of it really.

I can't work out if you are just being goady because you are bored, or if you are genuinely unwell or unpleasant. Either way it's not your thread so I'll stop addressing you going forwards.

Op-I Get totally what you are saying.And I'm glad the thread has given you somewhere to say it and that you feel people understand. Most of us do.