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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

to NOT let my DC go and stay with a woman they have met once?

169 replies

donners312 · 09/08/2017 18:36

My narc ex took my to court for access for my 2 DC.

He saw them twice in 18 months before that and long story short has let them down a million times.

In court he asked for 50% of the school holiday. I agreed.

They are now returning from holiday tomorrow from Spain leaving all their cousins and family behind to spend 3 weeks with the 'D'F.

He has just told me "Sharon"will pick them up and have them because he has to work away. The have met her once.

This basically leaves me up shit creek without a paddle as i have to work but i can't send them to stay with a woman they don't know (he has never confirmed she is is GF) I have no idea where she lives? But it is not in this county approx 3 hours away I think.

Can see this back i court as i will say i am blocking contact but the contact was supposed to be with him not his latest victim?

OP posts:
MakeItRain · 14/08/2017 11:01

That sounds really tough on you but it sounds like you didn't really have much choice. You have everything to offer them, you are their kind and thoughtful mum and no one can replace that. They will be missing you, even if they are happy there, but they are too young to be able to see past the initial excitement of it, so don't be hurt by them wanting to go.
Are you able to contact them while they are away? When are they home? Flowers for you, sounds like a difficult situation.

Joysmum · 14/08/2017 11:21

I have actually been very hurt that the children would do that and that they have been so easily bought

I hope you don't show your kids even the slightest iota of that attitude.

Original poster
donners312 · 14/08/2017 11:22

Thanks for your messages!!

thanks yes i know really it is better for them i am at work and drained and she can make cake with them and take them to theme parks etc

so depressing though!!

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 14/08/2017 11:24

joys mum - yes i told them exactly what I thought!! (not really was full of hope you have a brilliant time, will miss you but sounds fun etc)

OP posts:
HopefulHamster · 14/08/2017 12:22

Big hugs OP, you found out more, let them decide, and did the right but hard choice. Try to relax while you can and see if you can grab some time for yourself now.

Joysmum · 14/08/2017 12:33

Phew, so many of my daughters friends parents don't do a good enough good of covering up their feelings about exes and new partners and the poor kids are horribly conflicted and struggling to cope with it.

I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be to put on a good act when you feel so strongly about something. I reckon RADA should offer special classes. Smile

nigelsbigface · 14/08/2017 14:49

Well done op-I can see how that would hurt like hell. Flowers

Ketchup123 · 14/08/2017 16:28

LOL! Told you so.

Now try to tell me this isn't all about you and your jealousy...

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 16:30
Hmm

There's always one.....

Original poster
donners312 · 14/08/2017 17:47

thanks for all of your comments and support - sometimes you feel like you can't see the wood for the tree's and you do want to make the right decision for your children and it is hard to keep your own emotions about everything out of the loop?

OP posts:
Wanderlust1984 · 14/08/2017 18:05

Ketchup you really do sound like a twat. Wtf's the point in your posts?

Willow2017 · 14/08/2017 19:05

No way would I hand my kids over to a total stranger no matter who she was supposed to be.

If he can't be bothered with them then that's his look out. Let him complain to court. You have kids old enough to speak up for themselves and the court should take their views into consideration
Keep all communication between you regarding this for future shit storm (plus his unreliability, no maintenance etc etc.)
Make sure your solicitor is on the ball and will fight for you and kids. Contact them tomorrow first thing.

Good luck.

Willow2017 · 14/08/2017 19:09

Gosh that moved fast.

OP well done you fir

Willow2017 · 14/08/2017 19:11

Stupid phone!!!!!
Putting kids first each time. I would be the same very hurt too but kids dont always see past themselves it's just kids being selfish kids just normal.
Try not to worry and try to relax when you have your time alone.

Original poster
donners312 · 14/08/2017 19:25

as if things were not making me feel bad enough he has now asked me for their passports because guess what??? They are doing a family holiday to euro disney - he has paid NO MAINTENANCE for 2 years!!!! i just can't believe it!! how can this be allowed how do these men get away with it?? I feel seriously and genuinely sick. i have not had a holiday in 4 years!!!

OP posts:
Neverknowing · 14/08/2017 19:31

Why isn't he paying maintenance @donners312 ?

Original poster
donners312 · 14/08/2017 19:36

he doesn't work in this country and nothing CMS can do. When I went to court he just said he is unemployed and the court did sweet FA!!!! he is travelling around in first class all the time lives in a 2 million pound house and doesn't even normally send the kids a fiver for their birthday. Think he must be trying to impress his latest victim as he hasn't really wanted to bother with DC in last couple of years. He went on 10 holidays i had proof and court said he can go on holiday as much as he wants (and not pay CM). I have posted about it ALOT!! He really is a grade one C*!!!!!

OP posts:
Mumof56 · 14/08/2017 19:37

So you weren't on holiday in Spain with them. You choose who looked after them in Spain, yet have issues with him choosing to look after them on his time. You sound a bit jealous of your children.

Why haven't the court's ordered he pays maintenance?

Original poster
donners312 · 14/08/2017 19:42

I wish i was on holiday with them in Spain - they were with extended family. Bit different to meeting someone once? But nevertheless they have gone with Sharon regardless. I feel sorry for Sharon LOL!!

Courts didn't order the CM because he tells them he is unemployed and the courts believe him. I had loads of evidence but the courts couldn't care less.

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 14/08/2017 19:44

and i am not jealous of my children but i don hold my hands up to being utterly pig sick that i have done ALL the grunt work and worked VERY hard to financially support the children, had no holidays etc and that he can get away without having ANY responsibility for the children at all and live a very nice life to boot.

Would anyone not??

OP posts:
Wanderlust1984 · 14/08/2017 20:19

Jealous!? What an awful thing to suggest. If I wasn't getting any maintenance for mine I'd be pissed off too. Them going on holiday to Spain with trusted family members is a bit different!

nigelsbigface · 15/08/2017 07:10

I don't think the op is jealous of her children.She is rightly knackered and aggrieved because she works her arse off for the kids whilst their Dad pays nothing for them, fails to parent them, arranged to leave them with someone they've met once, then becomes a literal Disney Dad when the mood takes him (and yes probably on a visceral level the kids being excited about it all does feel shitty-even if logically and as their Mum she wants them to have the best of everything even if it's without her).
I defy anyone not to feel a bit upset in those circumstances...
(Except Ketchup obviously, as she seems to be quite the sanest person on this thread and would presumably be fine with all of that)

Original poster
donners312 · 15/08/2017 09:39

Thanks both of you - i didn't sleep a wink last night (well fell asleep at 6 woke up at 7am) I don't understand why i let it upset me. He has always been shit and always will be shit why can't i just accept it?

OP posts:
Ketchup123 · 15/08/2017 09:56

This reply has been deleted

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nigelsbigface · 15/08/2017 10:48

I think someone here is crazy Ketchup.I don't think it's the op.

You are upset that he is shit because you are trying very hard not to be and not to let things be for the kids-and it's galling when the other person in the world that should be doing that to the same extent-their other parent-patently isn't doing that.
And you aren't unreasonable to feel like that. You haven't shown that to your kids which is amazing. But that can also feel like hard work sometimes especially if they don't even begin to see it (and why would they as they are kids). It's not a logical feeling.But that doesn't make it invalid. It feels like you are working hard for little reward or recognition and it's tiring.
It's a cliche but keep doing what you are doing. When the kids are older they will realise who their actual parent is-who loved them the most- and who didnt. And by that time enough time will have passed and his actions or non actions as the case may be will not bother you a bit.