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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

to NOT let my DC go and stay with a woman they have met once?

169 replies

donners312 · 09/08/2017 18:36

My narc ex took my to court for access for my 2 DC.

He saw them twice in 18 months before that and long story short has let them down a million times.

In court he asked for 50% of the school holiday. I agreed.

They are now returning from holiday tomorrow from Spain leaving all their cousins and family behind to spend 3 weeks with the 'D'F.

He has just told me "Sharon"will pick them up and have them because he has to work away. The have met her once.

This basically leaves me up shit creek without a paddle as i have to work but i can't send them to stay with a woman they don't know (he has never confirmed she is is GF) I have no idea where she lives? But it is not in this county approx 3 hours away I think.

Can see this back i court as i will say i am blocking contact but the contact was supposed to be with him not his latest victim?

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 09/08/2017 20:48

If you don't feel your children will be safe then legally you don't have to let them go and really seeing as you have no idea about this woman I would say you can't be confident they're safe.
How long is this woman due to be looking after them and how old are your children? That's important in terms of how the courts will view it.
Personally I wouldn't do it as I don't see it being in the children's best interests.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 09/08/2017 20:49

This is not on. I don't understand why 'the system' is set up in such a way that it forces children into situations they're unhappy with.

TeachesOfPeaches · 09/08/2017 20:53

This woman is picking them up and looking after them while he is away? I would say absolutely not a chance in hell and the children stay with you until he picks them up.

JaneEyre70 · 09/08/2017 20:55

I wouldn't let them go. Do you have proof ie texts that he's said he won't be there?

BewareOfDragons · 09/08/2017 20:56

Call your solicitor asap.

NapQueen · 09/08/2017 20:57

Just reply "I will not hand our children over to a stranger. The agreement was that you have them 50% of the holidays and as such I will only be making them available for you to collect. I expect you to make appropriate arrangements to personally collect your children on X date"

kesie123 · 09/08/2017 21:15

That's what narcs always do - they don't actually want their children but don't want you to have them - they view them as possessions. Been in that position and was advised by my solicitor that I had to let them go - a few years down the line I refused and he didn't bother to go back to court. Go with your instincts and ignore the lawyers would be my advice!

Changedname3456 · 09/08/2017 21:49

Unless the agreement specifies that he must pick them up from you then I don't think you've got much leeway here (although as others have said - best to check with a solicitor).

Otherwise what happens on your time? Are you never going to allow other people to pick up and/or look after the dc? Your Mum? Any childcare you arrange? A friend helping you out on the school run?

Don't get me wrong, it's a shit situation he's asking you to go along with, but I'm pretty sure you don't have the "right" to stop him arranging for someone else to pick them up if he's not able to.

NapQueen · 09/08/2017 21:56

Surely a parent is allowed to refuse to hand their kids over to a stranger thoigh!

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 09/08/2017 22:00

She is their fathers nominated carer for the children.

I'm ab solutelt certian he's doing nothing wrong

innagazing · 09/08/2017 23:18

I'm unsure what the actual legality of the situation is here, but I would hope that the court (if he took it back to court) would be very sympathetic to you not sending the children with a stranger in this situation.So long as it was done in the spirit of the childrens' best interests, and not for vindictive reasons.
It's not just a case of the woman collecting the children, they're actually going to be living with her for some unspecified amount of time. The father is out of the country. The children don't know her at all and have never met her before. Of course it's inappropriate!
Speak with your solicitor tomorrow- maybe a reason for a 'specific issue' for the court to decide.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 09/08/2017 23:49

I'm ab solutelt certian he's doing nothing wrong

You're wrong.

Court order says HE gets them for 50% of holidays. He's not even in the country. Court order doesn't say "him or any other random he may have picked up in a bar gets them for 50% of holidays".

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 10/08/2017 05:26

She doesn't say he's out of the country.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 10/08/2017 05:54

Someone else said he was, I must have misread it as the OP. Either way, the deal is for him to have the kids, not anyone who turns up.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 10/08/2017 05:58

I've been there.

I took the legal advice and argued it in court.

The deal is. If he's considered a competent enough parent to have them - and he is because the op sends them to him and because the contact is unsupervised - then tw up to him what happens in his contact time.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 10/08/2017 06:15

But he has to at least turn up to get them for contact time, and then decide what happens. What court would expect a mother to hand her children to a stranger who turns up?

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 10/08/2017 06:20

No he doesn't. He has told her who will be collecting them and as long as it's that person then no. He doesn't.

Morally it's rotten. But legally he's quite within his rights.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 10/08/2017 06:22

I would not be handing them over and letting him try and prove that right in court.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 10/08/2017 06:24

Yeah. That's what I said

I lost.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 10/08/2017 06:26

And OP might win.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 10/08/2017 06:52

It's unlikely.

She might be better moving this to legal

MrsBertBibby · 10/08/2017 06:56

You really can't say whether or not OP will "win" based on your own experience, Mychild. Each case is different and fact specific.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 10/08/2017 06:58

I said it's unlikely.

But she should take this to legal if she wants legal advice.

MrsBertBibby · 10/08/2017 07:01

She should go to a solicitor if she wants advice. No one can advise on the basis of the information here, regardless of which board it is on.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 10/08/2017 07:03

That's true Bert.