Is he having an affair #2

[worldupsidedown]

Continuing on from 'is he having an affair'

23:03 and still not home.

There is nothing to talk about is there

Don't stoop and ask to talk. That would make u look weak and pathetic vis-a-vis bastard husband. Be strong

It doesn't matter what ur friends think u should do. Ur the one who has lived through the deceit over the past few months.

DH has checked out of ur relationship and family a long time ago. It's time for u to do the same and map out a new future for u and DD.

I'm so sorry for everything you have been through, you sound amazingly strong

I don't know if it's been mentioned previously, but I would consider getting yourself a sexual health check-up.

@Euphemia happy to hear ur in a better place. Remember your thread and often wondered abt u x

I don't think I saw your previous thread but I've read through this one and your STBXH sounds vile!!!
I'd be kicking him out the door quick as a flash!

As this man got NO compassion ! It will get easier
How the fuck would he know.
The thought that a person can just switch of their emotions and carry on as if nothing's happening,when the person they've spent the last god knows how long sharing there life with, is hurting so much. Unbelievable. Spineless

I'm not going by anything freind suggested

The wills/POA guy (WG) came over. He was shocked and apparently another local woman has just had similar scenario, 3 DD, DH suddenly left, on friends sofa and says no OW, WIL says he suspects there is. DW is in a bad state. Anyway, I don't need to worry about wills at this stage, if DH died it would be in my favour.

WG has recommended a good solicitor, independent, specialist with divorce cases, is realistic with her fees and local. I'm going to cal her shortly

Then DH texts, he's called cc and ordered a new one. Ended 'Sorry'

Then another,

Just so you know if it's easier I can stay away tomorrow and sat night (on my own). If. I don't hear from you ill assume that's what you'd prefer I do.

Then MIL called to tell me he's coming over Sat to explain everything and she wants to do her utmost to convince him for us to give it another go and must and can only go to counselling.

I told her i can't forgive him for what he's done/doing, etc. She says she's sure his feeling remorse etc but doesn't know how to talk about it.

She asked if he had spoken to me and I told her he hadn't at home last night or this morning but he had had the opportunity if he had wanted to, not least to ask if I or DD was ok.

I told her his text re Fri/Sat and she asked if I'd replied, I said no and she says I should ask him to come home. I said he doesn't want to, he has plans with OW, etc. I agreed if I text anything it will be 'only if you want to talk.' and his response, coming home or not would say something, if only to understand wtf he thinks we can do if he doesn't want to leave the house.

So my next move is the solicitor.

So then MIL.

I think that there is a massive difference between begging to talk about it in the hope he will change his mind and saying "We need to discuss the divorce and our living arrangements as this isnt working for me"

The former is handing over the power of the situation to him, the latter is reclaiming it.

Why the hell shoudl he get to act as if nothing is happening because he cant face what he has done?

I would email. Point out that it is his behaviour that has created this situation therefore it should be him that bends over backwards to make this easier on everyone. That starts with him moving out and ensuring that the appropriate financial support is in place. Give him a time limit to do this voluntarily before you apply to the court for an occupation order.

If he starts whining about it remember HE CHOSE THIS. Keep reminding him of that. "You chose this, you must have known that you wouldnt simply be able to carry on as normal. You had a choice, I didnt."

"Sorry it hurts" wtaf!! Total abdication of responsibility. Chin up world.

He is presumably unaware that DD knows about the affair? So he can be the one to tell her (in your presence). These are his choices and he needs to own them.

So mil doesn't know his clever plan to carry on with OW and you to continue as housekeeper? Please stop involving her in this. It feels like you're desperately trying to gather people on your side who think 'giving it another go' is going to fix this. It isn't, World, it truly isn't. He is still lying to you, and he has made it very clear by action and word he is already gone from your marriage. Please get the business stuff done, stop trying to draw in a vibe of 'if blah blah blah he will come to his senses' he won't. They were gone at the second he went in this direction. He is unbothered by home comforts, your life, he's already gone. The only people you need to talk to is your lawyer and following that all the finance stuff. Cancel the bloody cc for heavens sake, why are you continuing to help him finance his jollies with her? Are you wary of completely shutting off because you feel that will be final? It is already final, by shutting off you are looking after you and your daughter.

Think - not one post on here has suggested this can be worked out. Not one. None of us know you or him, and lord, MN is impartial if nothing else - posters say what they truly think. And you've had a TON of posts suggesting that. We don't know you but we can see someone in pain and in danger of giving away even more control xx

Disregard MIL, fond as I'm sure she is of you, she will be desperate for him not to be the bad guy and will undoubtedly swallow whatever bullshit he feeds her on Saturday.

And a skinny, sloe-eyed, scruffy-haired, teenage Dalstonite skater boy might look quite cute in it.

Yeah, somebody her own age might get away with it.
A sad ole twat having a midlife crisis, not so much.

The remorse won't kick in yet. He's still got the high of a new relationship, it's when the novelty wears off he'll start creeping

I am sure that he would be happy to stay (with you as housekeeper/family centre etc.) if he can continue to meet up with OW whenever he chooses.

Text him back saying it would be easier if he stayed away for good.

Yeah the reply with 'only come home if you are willing to talk' sounds good it leaves it open to him and you can show your mil that you tried so that your husband can't say you shut him out or whatever other shot he plans on feeding them.

I've had a thought about 'The Shirt'

It's the type of thing that would look completely wrong in this country, but not so bad when worn on holiday.

He's bought it to wear abroad.

Your only reply should be telling him to stay away for good, I can't understand why on earth he is still in the house in the first place! As other posters suggested you didn't make this choice it was imposed on you, so he should be the one bending over backwards

TeamCersei there is no place on earth that shirt would be acceptable

"We are not a couple any more. I don't do things for you now. You'll have to cancel the card yourself."

Absolutely this.
Send this.

Maybe you need to give it another go to see that that is wrong for you.

Sometimes what ifs can plague us. Once we've got through the what ifs we find clarity.

Don't reply.

This man has made it clear that all he wants from you is cook, cleaner and pant scrubber.

He does not want a relationship with you any more.

There is no point replying.

Ignore all junk/crap emails. Not your circus of monkeys.

Tell others you do not wish to discuss it with them.

Work on the legal side.

Just concentrate on you and DD.

He is an irrelevant you share a house with at the moment.

The less you say to him, your MIL and mutual friends the better.

You need to show your intent through your actions, not explain or justify your intent.

Don't respond to his texts at all. Just ignore him as much as possible.
Tell MIL nothing. Broken record technique: 'We're over, there nothing to discuss.'
And please don't tell him or her or anyone about legal stuff. That must be kept between you and your SHL.

Spill everything out to a trusted friend or family member and lean on them.

You're doing well, stay focused, you'll get stronger and stronger as you push forward.
Good luck.