Is he having an affair #2

[worldupsidedown]

Continuing on from 'is he having an affair'

23:03 and still not home.

Your friend's advice to talk with H is only slightly worse than the advice to get yourself a personal trainer. Focus on the legal and financial stuff, and support for yourself. Everything else can wait.

FWIW my opinion is don't ask him to talk. He's made his feelings bloody clear. Sort yourself & DD out & that's it.

She's trying to be helpful but I don't think you should meet him to talk until you have seen your solicitor and you know exactly what you want to do. It will be hurtful and confusing and just give him more chance to justify himself to himself. Keep cards close to your chest with any and all joint friends- even though they have your best interests at heart.

Whilst you still have joint money - go out and stock up on nice undies, expensive clothes. Buy anything that needs replacing in the house. Treat yourself and also your daughter. Also upgrade to new PC, Ipad . Save you a fortune later.

Ignore his texts.

Are you going to take your friends advice, World?

Can I just ask what do you want to happen now? Do u want to leave him?

World don't give him the satisfaction by asking to talk, he had all of last night and this morning to talk to you and didn't bother. The cheek of him asking you to cancel his credit card he really has no shame.

I worry that World still is hankering after some kind of reconciliation, which is totally understandable given the circs.

You need to explain to the friend that DH is showing no remorse, he has said it's over and he wants to be with the YOW, therefore, what exactly is there to talk about?

I'm sure she means well and talking it through is helpful if there is remorse and both parties are committed to making it work but that is not the case here.

Again here is an insight from my sisters situation. At the start of the break up her husbabds best friend was very sympathetic to my sister's plight, declared himself to be totally on her side and offered financial advice etc. We discovered later that,in reality, he was still close friends with her husband and was just exploiting the situation to assist her husband.
As others have said don't involve mutual friends, and play your cards close to your chest.
He seems to be treating you very dispassionately, I hope you are able to do the same with him. It must be so difficult, keep strong, you will get through it.

My rings come off more easily when my hands are cold. So chill your hands somehow (hold something cold?) and then butter or washing up liquid and wriggle them off.

World doesn't need to explain anything to the friend. World needs support from friends who have her best interests at heart. She should choose carefully.

Tell the friend she should talk to HIM, he's the one that wants to leave.

Try not to react to any sort of text or conversation that isn't about your daughter's welfare, even if he mentions separating/divorce tell him your solicitor is dealing with it. His text saying 'sorry it hurts' is pathetic. Ignore, Ignore, Ignore!!! Don't engage with him on any sort of emotional level.

You need to go 'Grey rock', be boring, don't react no matter how provoked you are. Cheaters are so predictable, people on this thread are proof that they all read from the same book. He feeds off your emotions good or bad, he wants control, he wants to minimise what he's done, he want to manage his image...don't give him any of that.

Grey rock is great, it really works...it will also drive him crazy that you aren't giving him any sort of reaction. It's tough, but keep practicing it and it gets easy, don't feel guilty for ignoring him.

Friends and family are invested. It is nicer and easier for them if you stay together.

They also don't want to think one of their life long friends is a grade A shit.

They don't want to see you hurting and think this is best for you to sort out this little spat.

They don't understand unless they have been through it.

You can work your heart out. It won't change your H's opinion.

Your H has made it clear how he sees you. He will not work on it because he thinks he has what he wants and is happy with the situation.

Close your friends and family down with a simple line that it isn't happening and please to stop suggesting it.

I'm not sure involving mutual friends will help. I'd tell them thank you very much but if mediation is necessary then you will use professionals when you are ready, not in someone's lunch hour.

Mutual friends = Switzerland friends, they will always remain neutral. If they haven't been through what you are going through they will have no understanding of your situation, sure they'll listen to you vent and make suggestions and they will have their best intentions at heart but they can't possibly understand what you are going through.

I made it clear to anyone i spoke to after my D-Day that there is no chance of me and ex getting back together. They didn't try to suggest reconciliation. You deserve better than this OP, don't be 2nd best to the piece of shit your DH has hooked up with.

I agree. It is tempting to involve mutual friends but my experience was that it added to the confusion at a time when it is hard enough to think straight. maybe just respond politely saying you appreciate their concern but declining their offer to facilitate a meeting.

Hi, I've been following your story but like others, didn't give advice as I've never been married.

However, I will step in with my two cents now. It doesn't sound like you have much support around you apart from here on mumsnet. Mutual friends and your husband's family and friends won't have your best interests at heart even if they do mean well.

Please please please see a counsellor as soon as possible. Check the BACP It's Good to Talk website and find one on there. More than anything, you need support right now in real life. Someone impartial and professional who can help you to figure out exactly what you want and how you want to move forward. You don't have to tell your husband or anyone, you can pay for sessions in cash. You need to start putting your own wellbeing first. You can't be there to support your daughter through this until you've got help to sort yourself out first.

Thinking of you. You will get through this.

Check out youtube for how to remove your rings, OP.
Wrapping cotton thread round finger is latest best practise.

I wouldn’t involve friends in any discussions with your H, it’s
just asking for more upset as friends will become over invested
in their way of how you should both approach it.
I would tell them it’s still early days and if you do decide later on
to have mediation type intervention then you’ll get someone professional.

From my experience some mutual friends just want the drama. It sounds like this friend is the same. Bugger what she 'wants', leave it to the professionals, as PP have said.

Please don't speak to him, he clearly has no interest in discussing anything so if you try to talk things through with him he will have even less respect for you than he does now.

Just a thought. If you cancel his credit card, you can close him off the account at the same time. If he cancels his credit card, he can just ask for a new card to be sent out... Might be worth taking on the admin for him in this particular situation?!

i can't believe what a casual, careless wanker he is. i would struggle not to burn him in his bed with that blasé attitude.

Don't trust your mutual 'friend' ... they could go either way, staying neutral is almost impossible. And a lot of 'friends', sadly, will pic the friend who they see as doing more for them in the future (dinners, parties, nights out, etc). Shallow world we live in...

Get a SHS.

Ignore his texts, unless it's to tell him via text that all communications should be made through your solicitor, except for your impending moving out date to his parents or other woman's place.