Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair #2

923 replies

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 23:03

Continuing on from 'is he having an affair'

23:03 and still not home.

OP posts:
redsquirrel2 · 09/08/2017 18:57

I think banging (sorry!) has a point about maintenance. I went with my friend to see her solicitor when she was divorcing her XH and she said everything is split 50/50 unless there's a child (there was) then it's more like 60/40 or 70/30, and maintenance only for the child not the wife. Wife is often expected to fend for herself apparently. My friend and her ex did it all through mediation in the end, saved a fortune in legal fees.

Maelstrop · 09/08/2017 19:16

OP, don't do a scrap for him.

Move his shit out of your room.

Change your will.

Take copies of his financial accounts and separate your finances.

Raindancer411 · 09/08/2017 19:19

I think its more maintenance for the wife IF hubby is a high earner and wife is a SAHP and lived a high standard of living. All I know is I know of two women who have got maintenance as well as the child. There is a clause that if they remarry, it of course stops. Maybe these two I know of are just really lucky with the solicitors and judges on the day???

innagazing · 09/08/2017 19:22

Banging
That's a very gritty account of what can, and does, actually happen. Truly truly awful for you and your mum. Flowers

GoldenOrb · 09/08/2017 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThinkIlikeit · 09/08/2017 19:36

Only 10-15% of divorces feature spousal maintenance these days. A clean break is preferred.

worldupsidedown · 09/08/2017 19:44

The hard hitting messages are just fine, I need to have all this info well and truly banged into my head.

I've read the script omg, how that is so true, it's too scary! He's not messaged me or anything, nothing today.

I spent some time going way back over all our text messages, ironically not goes back to last years anniversary, when he was first to text me with a greeting. His xxx or x stopped not long before our holiday three weeks ago. I've been a bit tearfull.

I don't know if he's coming home tonight, if he is it'll be any time from now onwards. I've just text MIL asking if she's heard from him.

OP posts:
Alpies · 09/08/2017 19:44

My guess is, if she is young and working in the city, she is probably at sharing with other people in north London. From what I can assume, bastard DH is used to his space and a certain finesse in life hence y he doesn't feel comfortable going bk to her place and y he is shelling money on air bnb apartments or hotels. Not sure how old he is, but I'm again assuming there's a big age gap. He's prob going thru a midlife crisis and is enjoying the attention and feeling young again.

I think first of all u need to decide whether I want him bk or not. Next if u want him back is to completely distance yourself and separate everything. I can see YOW ironing his shirts and dealing with the reality of keeping him in the style he is accustomed to. Make him miss u and ur nice home life.

If actually, u realise, u r better off without him, start being balsy and cut all ties. Get divorce petition ready and all assets secured.

It's not an easy road and I feel for u and Dd. U need to figure out what u want and quick because last thing u need is him manipulating u to get what he wants (or his cake and eating it) and then go fuck up again behind ur back.

worldupsidedown · 09/08/2017 19:46

Can anyone pm me good solicitors numbers please. I want to have a phone around tomorrow

OP posts:
worldupsidedown · 09/08/2017 19:52

MIL just texted that DH and her exch texts about 45 mins ago. He's going to his Ps Sat lunchtime to discuss everything

OP posts:
iMatter · 09/08/2017 19:55

This is why he needs to leave.

It's humiliating for you to wait for a cheating cunt to come home.

He still has control and power over you.

Don't do it.

Keep your dignity OP.

cailisto · 09/08/2017 19:56

First of all - huge huge hugs, World. Just caught up on today and you're sounding so so strong, which is amazing xxx
I do think a shit hot lawyer will be the way forward if you have considerable assets. You don't want to play nice - you want to ensure you're not screwed over.

Have you got a friend who can come over? If not,make sure his stuff is all in the spare room or annexe (including his dirty laundry) and make it very very clear to him that he is no longer welcome in YOUR bedroom.
Don't be nice to him.
Don't engage.
Just remain as cool and detached as you possibly can.
Then go and have a long, hot bath and ignore the fucker (if he comes home) xxxxx

Trb17 · 09/08/2017 19:57

Be warned. MIL is on his side. Don't believe otherwise for a second.

Alpies · 09/08/2017 19:57

What a loser?! Shouldn't he be discussing things with u? The woman who stood by his side for a quarter of a century and bore his child?!!!!

Where is his respect for u???

SweetEnough · 09/08/2017 20:06

What Trb17 said, they may not agree with what he's done, but he's their son.

timeisnotaline · 09/08/2017 20:07

I'd reply -Well that's nice. I suppose he will make plans to discuss it with his betrayed wife. While packing his bags. I don't believe he will tell you all the truth though. He is still lying shamelessly to me- Ask him where his flights are booked to.'

AcrossthePond55 · 09/08/2017 20:15

He can talk to his DPs until he's blue in the face. That doesn't affect a single decision that you might make. They don't have to live with him, you do. He didn't betray them, he betrayed you.

Don't respond to MiL. If you text 'that's nice' she'll spin it into you wanting reconciliation. If you text 'don't bother' she'll spin it into you taking him to the cleaners. Best to just remain quiet. And if she calls/texts you with what he said, don't respond with what you're thinking or feeling. The proper response is "Oh, I see".

thegirlupnorth · 09/08/2017 20:18

I know you've said you like your solicitor and she's recently divorced but I think that's unprofessional,of her to disclose. Go for a shit hot London lawyer, after being a SAHM you should get spousal maintenance due to length of marriage and fact you've not worked but been homemaker and supported his career.

Mustang27 · 09/08/2017 20:24

They are his parents so they won't not talk to him anymore regardless at how they feel about the situation but I doubt there is much too add to what you have already said. Do expect him to lie through his teeth to all your joint friends and family.

You will be awful to live with he just couldn't discuss it.

He wasn't happy for years he's already rolled that one out.

He has been desperately trying not to fall for this person but you pushed him to it because blah and blah and blah.

No matter how lovely he may have been he is not thinking damage limitation and protecting his image as best he can.

Mustang27 · 09/08/2017 20:25

Sorry that's meant to say that' he is Now thinking damage limitation

MachineBee · 09/08/2017 20:30

Sorry to be harsh but...
You have to get a really tough solicitor. My now DH had a useless solicitor for his divorce and it has been hard for him. (She left him for another man).

Go for a pension sharing order, especially if he has a good scheme. This will benefit your DD in long run. I got one as I have a serious health condition which could limit my ability to work in later life. This means I will not have to depend on my daughters financially if that happens. My eX died a few years after we split and left everything to his new DW. My daughters got nothing. But they will get something from the pension when it falls due to me.

Divorce law is no longer based on blame. The fact he cheated will make no difference to the settlement, but if he does get his MYW pregnant he will be seeking to reduce your DDs maintenance.

His DM will be on his side. Stay civil to her, but keep important info to yourself. There will be time for rebuilding that relationship if you want to after things have been settled. My exMIL found it tough during divorce, but we kept a fair relationship going for years until she passed away. He had cheated on me for years and she was very conflicted about it all.

Your lovely male friend - take care this isn't used against you by your STBxH, even his family and friends. Every trick in the book may be used against you.

You are a mother of a daughter. He is unlikely to be that bothered about making sure she is provided for. Sadly many men often don't have the same ties to DDs as DSs after a divorce.

You'll find out who your real friends are too, which is a gift that doesn't feel like it at the time but really is.

And be careful of the predators who are on the look out for newly divorced women. They can be very charming and shockingly, many are married. They know you will be out of practice with dating and still raw, and they prey on that.

That said, you will be fine in the end. Take the great advice on here, be kind to yourself and your DD.

RhinoGirl · 09/08/2017 20:34

I wouldn't expect him home tonight OP, use the time to get all your paperwork sorted and get it in a safe place, ready for making appointments with SHL!

user1492692527 · 09/08/2017 20:52

I would say that however lovely your MiL is, he is still her son. And as such she will be 'on his side'. Keep your powder dry, OP

Putyourhandsintheair · 09/08/2017 20:54

Did MIL indicate if he was coming home tonight? Do you have someone to be with you? Try not to spend too much time on your own.

worldupsidedown · 09/08/2017 20:56

He has come home, of course no dinner waiting for him. He's been in his room, probably putting everything away. He's not yet made an attempt to talk to me

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread