Is he having an affair #2

[worldupsidedown]

Continuing on from 'is he having an affair'

23:03 and still not home.

DD is 15 and we've been together 25 years, married 19 years on 15th,

Firstly, you must check what benefits you can claim from today. You may need a buffer when he realises you are serious.

Secondly, and we all have your back here but you must get out of this mindset:

If she's who you want to be with instead of us, you should go and be with her.'

It's not US. Op. He is married to you and was in a relationship with you. Don't bring your daughter into this. No matter how much you are hurting. He has cheated on you, not his daughter. Keep her out of your arguments full stop.

He is in a position to get a mortgage, I'm not

Yep, see where you're coming from Funko, I guess that's just habit, it's always been 'us', 'we'

Me, myself, and I now

OP just to say, do not expect 50/50 you will be entitled so way more as you will have custody of your DD and he'll have to pay you maintenance as you've been a sahm for so long. If your solicitor is talking about 50/50 or not prepared to play hardball then I'd advise seeing someone else.

I'm not divorced but I got advice when having marital problems, saw an expensive London divorce lawyer - I was surprised about how much I would get if we got divorced (sahm, but for less time than you).

You need to ask the lawyer about the course you're doing / business you want to set up as I reckon you'll get a lot more as someone with no skills, could be worth Alot to you to put it on hold until divorce finalised.

Rooting for you

He might not have consciously decided he wanted you to find out, that would have meant first taking personal responsibility for his actions

He doesn't want to look like the 'bad guy'......
he's trying to justify his actions by blaming you, that you didn't make him happy etc

If he truly didn't want to get 'caught' then he wouldn't have left a blatant and easy trail to follow.

It would be more usual to take the value of all assets and split them 50/50.

This means either selling the house and sharing the equity or he lets you keep the house in exchange for him keeping all of his pension, for example.

Is there a mortgage on the house you live in now?

I would love to see the look on his face when he gets a letter from the solicitors stating what they are asking

Op have you heard from him today? Any texts, emails etc?

Firstly, World, I am in awe of you. Keep being strong. I watched my mother go through something so similar with my vile step father. You have so much advice and support on here.
Might I suggest though that while it is tempting to start cancelling cards and taking exact money that he has spent from your accounts; keep focussed on what will help your case. Ask the solicitor about financial disassociation. This means you will not be liable for any debts or his costs as of yesterday. This would be better than cancelling credit cards without notice. You can then let him know- through the solicitor that you will be cancelling the card. Don't do anything that looks like spite or vengeance. Short term he can make life more financially difficult for you than you can for him.

Also, as the others have said, rant to your friends, stay ice cold calm with him. Don't rage against the OW. It's not about her. This is now all about you and what you need for you and your dd.

Good luck.

You don't have your daughter engaged in discussions but he has betrayed her too. I think it's fine saying 'us'!!! Of course op is pissed off at what he has done to the family - she didn't do it, she was looking after the family including him. He was missing in action, lying and spending their money. He's still her dad and it's a different betrayal but it's a betrayal. There's no hiding that.

Maybe you shouldn't big up your potential future earnings at this point?Everyone knows it's really difficult to make money in the first few years of being self employed too...
I assume that daughter will be considering going to university, so any maintenance needs to cover her uni years, not just til she's 18.

Sounds like your solicitor is telling you what you want to hear regarding spousal support, mortgage free three bedroom house and such.

Take away all the assets. How are YOU feeling? Do you have parents/friends you can lean on for support? Obviously you have us here, but sometimes you just need a there there cuddle and a large chunk of cake!
Please don't think about taking this man back if you both went to councelling. He is lower than a snakes belly doing this to you and your daughter. Don't run away from what your feeling, embrace them now and let yourself hurt!
I wish you all the very best and more xx

Wow world you are being very strong I agree with several of the posts don't knee jerk into anything but don't let him dictate terms to you!!

Make absolutely sure you keep all the evidence you have and will obtain for your solicitor

Also remember he did this to you whilst the OW could have said no it was ultimately his choice to cheat

He will definitely change when he sees you have the upper hand regarding finances and the fact this isn't just about a fling this is going to hit him financially. Stay strong and don't let your emotions be battered anymore than they have been

Take care of yourself and DD

OP, FWIW, do not agree to a deal for maintenance until your DD is 18. My solicitor managed a deal which included child maintenance until my kids completed full time education which included college & university. My DD took a gap year and my XH still had to support her through uni - no, he was not happy.....

What the solicitor has mentioned sounds very similar to what my friend was told in a similar position. I would drop talk of needing a third bedroom for a business as you need to show that you have been entirely dependent on his salary, as per your agreement to be a SAHM.

You can't be sure of any settlement at this point.

All money does have to be accounted for in the settlement (what hasn't been cleverly hidden).

It is better in your bank account secure than in limbo.

Clear out half the money now! Once he takes it you have nothing and you will have to scrape and plead to him for cash. You do not want to hand over that power and your dignity.

I don't want to be harsh OP but what your husband has done to you will impact your lifestyle. Even if it's temporary.

Find your anger! And start thinking of yourself first.

Spent 18 months holding BF hand Settlement was this year.
2DC one went with each.
Split was 70/30 to child still in school.
You both have to provide bank statements, and each gets to see these.
All debts are included. All Assets are included. Spending is not included.
You give an account of what you spend each month, if he says more the judge will call him on it.
Cash in the hand is far better than a bank account which you need to declare.
Once the amount is decided you both pay your own bills from that amount.
They normally want to leave you in the house if that is what you want, as you have the child, but they would rather give him enough to get a 2 bed if possible.
If you get the house you could rent out the Annex as a holiday home to fund your mortgage.

user1499333856 is so right, been a bad year for friends and splits.
You need as much cash as you can find and hold it safe.
A bank account he can't get into is good.
Friend spent 2 months with not even enough cash for food.
If he say bought a car, they would knock that off his share of what is left.

Just read the whole 2 threads. What an epic turd!!!!

Stay strong and do what you need to do for you and DD.

Ask the solicitor about financial disassociation. This means you will not be liable for any debts or his costs as of yesterday. This would be better than cancelling credit cards without notice. You can then let him know- through the solicitor that you will be cancelling the card. Don't do anything that looks like spite or vengeance. Short term he can make life more financially difficult for you than you can for him.

So much good advice on here.

My solicitor has recently been divorced herself, I can tell she'll have my back.

MIL just caked me back on her lunch break working at CAB. DH had called her on Monday, didn't say anything to her other than we'd been having communication problems and needed a talk. He also sent her a text message about arrangements for her with DD which didn't make too much sense. I told her I'd asked him to call her and tell her why she's no longer needed on Friday. Clearly he's either too busy at work or being cowardly.

she then asked me to tell her what I had to say and she broke down, she's really upset, disappointed he's let me down, she had no idea but thought something was up because he hasn't called her as often. She doesn't want me to do anything too rash, she thinks we can work it out, in a couple of weeks he'll come to his senses. Said he tells her what a string woman I am, etc and I need to be really strong now. But she wants to be there for me and told me to keep texting her

She will be imbarrassed for her sons actions xxx

Well done for telling his mum