Is he having an affair #2

[worldupsidedown]

Continuing on from 'is he having an affair'

23:03 and still not home.

So very sorry to hear this. I would definitely press him to move out for a short time at least to give yourself some headspace. It will be very hard staying under the same roof whilst you are getting your head round this. He sounds quite cold and this is not a shock for him so getting legal and good friend advice is essential. Don't keep his secrets for him but keep info on social media to a minimum. People will rally round but also be prepared that some might know. Above all take care of yourself and remember life will be better on the other side.

You only have 6 months from date of finding out about adultery to file for divorce on these grounds. He is playing for time to get his ducks in a row.

Now YOU take control. He has had the control. TAKE it back right now.

If the 6 months limit is true for adultery grounds, then file for divorce now. You can always change course later if that's what you want, but file now.

And stop being his 'wife'. He's said he wants it all: his home, with you taking care of everything including your DD, while he spends family money on his new woman. Fuck that! Move his clothes into the spare room, try to get him out into the annexe, and do absolutely nothing for him: no cooking, no cleaning, no ironing, no keeping him up on his insurance, etc Tell him he's on his own since that's clearly what he wants, and he has no business telling you how you feel.

And tell him your DD will not be shown that this is what 'normal' looks like in a relationship. Tell him he has let her down as well, blown up her world, given her a really shitty example of how a husband treats his wife.

I would start letting people know, too, OP, so he can't put his own spin on things, such as pretending you were already separated, it had started after you agreed to separate, etc And tell his mum. Have her come this weekend, but tell her you're taking DD off with you for the weekend away and she can have her tosser of a son back for the weekend. Suggest she help him pack his things and get out.

What a Cliche this man is.
They all say they've not been happy for years!
They all simply expect you to tow the line and gleefully accept their new relationship as they are "in love dontcha know" and it's all your fault as well as you made them go for someone else.
Has anyone posted a link to "the script" as you'd find it most interesting.

Remember, he's in the wrong so the ball is in your court as to how this plays out, not him

Late to the thread OP, another here giving you support.
My ex refused to leave the house, it was awful.
I stopped cooking for him, or buying him food in the weekly shop. Stopped doing his laundry and ironing, (I still smile when I remember his look of confusion when he looked for a crisply ironed shirt hanging in his wardrobe, only to find it empty, and the dirty shirts lurking in the washing basket ). I stopped talking to him about anything other than the kids. He left his car lights on, I didn't tell him, he got a flat battery, I didn't care. Basically, I made his 'home' with us as uncomfortable as I could. Not to hurt him, but to protect me, to detach in order to cope.

Best thing I did was get the best solicitor I could find and file for divorce. I told tax credits that I'd seen a solicitor and was divorcing, and they increased my tax credits from the date I told them. So bear this in mind, you can claim more whilst he's still there.

And I told everyone the truth. Remember the shame is his, let him own it, don't protect him, you owe him nothing.

And block him on FB, it's your life, not a virtual soap for 'friends' to gawp over. Tell people you trust, lean on them.

You'll be fine. It'll be a rough few months, but you'll get there, and come out stronger and happier.

What's SHL, DHL did throw me

I've been on the phone to my Old school mate OSM? he's being very supportive, made me laugh, he's going through dv himself so has ongoing experience and lots of advice. It's also good to get actual advice from a male perspective, he's not the adulterer in this one either.

I just spoke to

SHL=shit hot lawyer

OP, im so sorry about what he has done. I hope you and your dd are a great support for each other. Take care of yourself xx

Just remember, when he tries to bully you into doing what he wants that he has already had quite enough of what he wants out of life.

He knows exactly what he wants.

You at home cooking, cleaning his skiddy pants etc. Hot young thing to stroke his ego.

If it falls through he thinks you are pathetic enough to gratefully accept him back if he is still living there.

In a few years when DD is older and left home the asset split will be far more equal than now whilst she is your dependent. In the mean time he will have been splashing the cash on her all that time.

He doesn't care about how much this will hurt you just about getting the best deal for himself.

He won't seem as romantic to OW when she has to do his cooking and laundry and it is not evenings out, restaurants, trips abroad.

You deserve better.

I cannot believe you gave him a hotel break to take his other woman to??? I would have been throwing Vases at his head!!!

*KICK THE CHEATING B'ARD OUT!!!!
*
And tell his Mum asap! I've been there and he got there first. Now his parents think it was ME that cheated and will not be told otherwise!!! They won't even see DD...

I'm assuming DHL was a typo! SHL is shit hot lawyer.

Oops, posted too soon!

I called the solicitor again too, I really like her, she's easy to get on with and is not just looking at all this from the legal perspective, having gone through similar. As someone has said in a recent post, I need to stop doing his stuff or were not really separated as of last night.

We only really have two options;

a) he stops seeing MYW (much younger woman) and we have counselling to try again but she said, there's every chance he'll also start seeing MYW again

OR b) it can only be file for divorce on grounds of adultery or unreasonable behaviour .

There's not really any middle ground is there? I can't live with him coming and going, living his little life of whatever he wants, does he seriously think he can just move about the house like everything is 'normal' and think I can be ok with that. Or is he prepared to spend his life living in the spare room, only popping out to cook his dinner and do the laundry, like a bedsit?

Please don't try counselling, it won't work. Judging by your dh's reaction to you finding out it won't. It's not like he was on his knees begging for forgiveness from you is it?

My dad had an affair with a much younger woman. He tried to stop seeing her. Told my mum he had....he obviously hadn't.

My mum and dad got divorced. My mum is now with someone great.

My dad still has myw in his life however she's a nutter and now he can't get rid of her no matter how hard he tries. They aren't together but she's got loads out of him and still continues to do so.

ugh

so sorry to read these updates WUD

I think you may find OP it suddenly will not seem as appealing. I'm convinced with a lot of these middle aged guys most of the appeal is in the secrecy and the buzz , to add a spark to the daily grind , same with her to a lesser degree , they use the not been happy thing to justify it.

World option 1 is not really an option.

He has told you he doesn't want you.
He has lied and cheated.
He doesn't even have enough respect for you to move out for a bit.
Look at your daughter... imagine that lovely boyfriend of hers lying to her, cheating on her and then her coming to you and telling you she is giving him another chance. Unbearable isn't it. Is that the lesson you want to teach he?

For any chance of a) I think you'd need to see sorrow, regret, remorse from him now, with apologies and a message that he will do anything to make it right.

From what you've said, I don't think he can be bothered to do any of that :(

'counselling to try again' - do you think you could ever really trust him ever again?

As others have said, please don't do the Pick Me dance, no matter how tempting it is.

So so sorry OP. His loss, the bloody arse hole!!

This haven't been happy for years crap really gets on my tits! My H came out with that shit too.

You are doing amazing so far. I agree with the others, you and your DD have that weekend away. Don't let it go to waste. It's just what you need, chill time. Xx

Divorce Ul never trust him again and itl be an awful way to live wondering if he's seeing her xx

If you don't demonstrate that today is day 1 of his radically changed life then he feels no consequence.

Even if you want him back, you won't get him back unless you come out fighting.

1. Move all his stuff to the spare room. Every last item in a box
2. Remove him from social media and block
3. Get a new phone number for your new life. All he can contact you on your old number is about the children
4. File for divorce today.
5. Tell everyone you both know the truth - 'x has cheated on me and used family money to do it. He has shown no remorse. I am blindsided. Do not enter in to conversations about the rights and wrongs'
6. Gather all financial paperwork, evidence and keep it secure
7. Take all your child's legal documents and keep them hidden
8. Transfer half of all liquid assets that you can get hold of to a new private account

LTB. He is vile.

Be kind to yourself now. You have been so strong.

I would be highly suspicious of his motive is for new Wills and Power of Attorney whilst having a secret affair. Remember he pushed you to ensure you had dropped them off too, all before you found him out. Very dodgy. Ask your lawyer about the implications of this.

Was option (a) your solicitors suggestion or your own?

I really don't think it's feasible either way, he's made his choice. You now have the opportunity to move forward with your head held high.

There has been so much good advice on this thread re your next steps. I think the first one being, a frank and stern discussion about his living arrangements. In no way should he expect to continue living in your home, reaping the benefits when it suits him. Bloody ignorant Pig that he is.

Or is he prepared to spend his life living in the spare room, only popping out to cook his dinner and do the laundry, like a bedsit?
Of course he's not prepared for this, he's thinking with his dick. And yes he really does seriously think he can just move about the house like everything is 'normal' and think I can be ok with that.
He fully expects to have his cake. In his eyes you've been demoted to maid and he fully expects to continue with his cushy life at home, you continuing playing devoted wife and mother while he gets to shirk his role of loving husband and do as he pleases.

The only option is b) file for divorce on grounds of adultery and his U behaviour. If you change your mind and decide to reconcile then you can stop the process later down the line.