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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair #2

923 replies

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 23:03

Continuing on from 'is he having an affair'

23:03 and still not home.

OP posts:
LilyMcClellan · 09/08/2017 07:21

I wouldn't start broadcasting or being passive-aggressive on Facebook at this stage. I would, however, unfriend him. That should delete the relationship without throwing up any Newsfeed announcements. It will, however, give him the shits about what you might be saying.

thegirlupnorth · 09/08/2017 07:25

Sending hugs.

Don't change fbook, you'll have every Tom dick and Harry gossiping and jumping to conclusions. Keep your dignity. I know it hurts and you're angry but play the long game. Sit back and decide what you want to do and then tell him. Sleep on any big decisions you make before,you,voice them. Start a diary, online somewhere on on your notes, anywhere that you can offload what you're thoughts and feelings are. It helps and write him a letter but don't send it. Whatever you do, keep your dignity X

Funko · 09/08/2017 07:25

It's not complicated. Your single.

Day 1. You move all his stuff to the spare room (it's not ok to wander in while your sleeping!). Stop doing anything for him. No cooking, cleaning his space, laundry etc.

Get that divorced filed. It's not super quick so you have plenty of time to organise financials etc in the background.

Go enjoy your weekend away!

Flowers

The best revenge is living a life well.

Funko · 09/08/2017 07:25

You're*

CrazyHairSister · 09/08/2017 07:26

I agree with Lily. Keep everything off social media, it will only turn undignified.

Tell him to fuck off if he thinks he can stay living with you after turning your world upside down.

Take your DD on the trip. You both deserve to rest and recharge after this horrible event.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 09/08/2017 07:28

I agree, you and DD go on weekend away.

You sound so strong but in side it must be turmoil.

JaneEyre70 · 09/08/2017 07:29

I'm so sorry to read your updates. You must be in a tremendous amount of shock, OP, and there is no rush to do anything yet other than phone a friend or a relative today and get some much needed support in RL. And don't worry about what he's thinking or doing, you need to completely switch off from him to protect yourself right now. He can't play happy families at home, and carry on seeing the OW. No more cooking for him, laundry, and shift all of his stuff out of your bedroom. Look after yourself today.

LEMtheoriginal · 09/08/2017 07:31

Yes definitely change your Facebook profile and just have 😢as your status. Your inbox will be full of "aww hun what's up" and your dd won't be mortified at all.

So. He genuinely said that he would take his ow away for your birthday weekend? He can't see how twisted that is?

Gimboid · 09/08/2017 07:31

Last night must have been awful but remember today is the start of a new you. He lost all rights to decide how he wants to play things with your relationship when he broke his marriage vows. You call the shots now.

Gimboid · 09/08/2017 07:35

of course up to you but if it were me I'd want to keep it off of social media (as much as I'd want to hurt him). Keep it cool, calm and dignified.

lou1221 · 09/08/2017 07:39

Flowers I am so sorry that it's come to this. The audacity of the wank is unbelievable, who the hell does he think he is?

Take that booking receipt back, girly weekend with your daughter.

Don't go back to the divorce solicitor that you saw; sounded far too flimsy, you want someone on your side, who yes, may cost more, but will screw him for every penny. Do this today.

Unfriend him on fb, wouldn't bother putting notices on there just yet, although in saying that a friend did and she found it very cathartic.

Move all of his belongings into the spare room, you are entitled to your space.

Get your name on docs of importance.

Check out tax credits.

I remember you saying you're starting a course, is this a f/t or p/t, could you get a job in connection to this course?

Most of all, don't tell him what you are doing. I would also be suspect of close friends of his, they may have known all along, giving him an alibi ect.

Tell everyone (including his family) before he gets the chance to swing it his way. In fact, contact his mum today, saying she is more than welcome to still come at the weekend, maybe to tell her son what a fine specimen of a man he's turned into.

Don't for one minute think he's going down quietly, he would have gone to work this morning, panicked but ready to get ppl on his side.

I'm so angry for you, you can do this, it will be bloody hard, but everyone is with you. xx

Tinkie25 · 09/08/2017 07:40

💐💐

I've been thinking about you a lot last night. Read the update and glad he's didn't try and lie too much.

I don't think I could have him in the same house as me. I agree with someone upthread who said he was trying to get his ducks in a row.

worldupsidedown · 09/08/2017 07:41

It's weird but I don't know how to feel.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 09/08/2017 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bunnyfuller · 09/08/2017 07:49

Not FB. It makes it a bit teenage. Just delete him but....try to override your numbness and get things in motion. You know there's no coming back from this, so you owe it to yourself and your daughter to ensure your security, he will be getting loads of advice off her and friends. Xx

FoxyinherRoxy · 09/08/2017 07:50

I'm sorry OP.

You'll feel everything and nothing. It's a bit of a rollercoaster, go with it.

He should do the right thing now and move out.

He wants to have his affair without the inconvenience of moving out. I really hope you don't allow him to treat you like this.

user1485639128 · 09/08/2017 07:50

Please don't change your relationship status on Facebook. Delete and block him instead. You have done so well to keep your dignity intact this far.

mummmy2017 · 09/08/2017 07:50

you said you have an annex any chance you can move him into it?
If not move his clothing into the spare room, so he can't walk in and out of your bedroom.
This will be hard, but because you didn't scream, he can't say your in any way to blame. I wouldn't cook or wash for him, give him a laundry bin in his own room...
Once he sees the things you normally do stopping his life will change a bit, the impact of him doing this will start to show.
Also say to him you feel since he is spending on personal pleasures you feel you also should have the same amount of money, I would place it in an account for your DD. Or invest in a hobby so you have something to look forward to.
Also Take your DD away on your Birthday weekend, and leave him alone as OW isn't free either.
One other thing the OW would be far more fun in his mind when he was doing it behind your back, but the trill of that is gone now, so it becomes reality, not fantasy.

Patsypedalo · 09/08/2017 07:51

You're probably in shock world - a good time to sort finance/home out to your advantage before the emotions hit you.

Am so sorry this has happened, I was hoping for a plausible excuse (even though it was v unlikely).

I hope you have some RL friends to spend the day with?

LoniceraJaponica · 09/08/2017 07:53

Please take care of yourself and your DD Flowers

LazyDailyMailJournos · 09/08/2017 07:58

You're in shock my lovely, which is totally normal. Right now, it's about survival mode and there is one thing you need to remember: Right now this man is NOT your friend and CANNOT be trusted.

Do not make the mistake of assuming that he'll 'do the right thing', that your previous years together will count for anything. He's not thinking rationally at the moment and you cannot rely on him to behave decently or morally - bearing in mind he's been lying to you and shagging behind your back. So you need to protect yourself.

You've seen a lawyer already, which is good. What you also need to do is get your important file and move it to a nice safe place where he cannot get hold of it.

Try and eat - I know your stomach probably feels like it doesn't belong to you and your heart feels like it's been ripped out of your chest, but lack of food makes depression worse. If you're really struggling to stomach anything then thin soups are good as you can sip them a wee bit at a time.

Find a trusted friend who you know is on your side and tell them. You need support and people to lean on. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed about telling people - shine a light on his affair. It's his dishonesty and lies that people will judge, not you. By pulling it all out into the open it removes all of the exciting secrecy that him and the OW have been enjoying, and makes it look like what it is - which is a rather sordid underhand bit of cheating.

Try not to let him get to you with the stories about 'being unhappy for years'. This is all part of the script and is quite frankly so careworn he should be embarrassed to trot it out! It's bullshit. All he is doing is trying to justify his actions - so it fits nice and conveniently to say that he's been unhappy. The alternative is to admit that actually he had a perfectly decent marriage but got bored and decided to fuck about because he's a lying bell-end.

Finally, try and use the grey rock defence as much as you can. Withdraw and disassociate. So if he starts on again about coming to an arrangement - WTF does he think this is by the way? An hotel? - then be completely emotionless and tell him no, you are no his mother or his housekeeper and that if he does not want a proper marriage then there will be no marriage at all. End of discussion. Don't cook for him, clean up after him or do any admin - if he wants out then off he should trot, but he doesn't continue to get the best of both worlds by having you at home to run his life whilst he's off playing the wandering dick.

Gimboid · 09/08/2017 08:03

Good advice LazyDailyMailJournos

shoeaddict83 · 09/08/2017 08:03

dont do anything for him, if you cant prove to a court you are living separate they can use it as grounds to not divorce you - my brother went through same issue. Unless you can prove you are living totally separately lives not sharing meals, laundry, shopping etc they class it as one household and not separated.

move his stuff to spare room, give him space in fridge, seperate laundry basket and let him get on with it. DO NOT let him tell you how this is going to work, lay the ground rules now.

Im so sorry x

RockyBird · 09/08/2017 08:05

All the best to you OP Flowers

timeisnotaline · 09/08/2017 08:07

Definitely move his stuff into the spare room. Stop doing anything . Delete on fb. Oh and don't drop off his poa etc. You need to have your poa go to someone else after all. Message him to redo his to new woman and drop it off himself.

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