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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair #2

923 replies

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 23:03

Continuing on from 'is he having an affair'

23:03 and still not home.

OP posts:
JustMumNowNotMe · 09/08/2017 04:57

Oh OP, what a fucking bastard! I'm so sorry it is what you feared it would be.

I second the PP who said tell everyone, don't keep his dirty secret for him and don't give him the opportunity to get in there first and tell people a different story.

Unlikely I know but I hope you managed some sleep Brew

Painfulpain · 09/08/2017 06:07

Right, now you need to get some decent legal advice.

If I remember correctly, I think you need to divorce him, to get him out of the house

crazykitten20 · 09/08/2017 06:08

You must do what is right for you.

But remember this. A soon to be young woman is watching you. My advice is ...don't be a doormat.

Show her how this sort of horrific situation can be handled with grace. With understanding but with decisiveness - making decisions which are right for you and her.

Not pandering to the man child who has let you both down so very badly.

My love to you and your beautiful daughter.

This too shall pass 💜💕💜

KickthewallonSalthillprom · 09/08/2017 06:15

Till now he has been calling the shots whilst you have been trying to figure out what he's up to. He's having fun and a lot of excitement.
Now you are taking control.
Tell everyone.
See your solicitor.
Exclude him from family life.
Tell him his presence is intolerable for your mental health.
Say things like you'll have to sell the house, how your daughter will be affected, all the catastrophes he has brought down on your heads.
Take care of yourself.

HicDraconis · 09/08/2017 06:15

Bastard. Doesn't matter how unhappy he was, he should have spoken to you and either ended things cleanly or worked on it.

You'll get lots of really good advice from here about legal proceedings, what to do and how/when to do it. My advice is to concentrate on taking care of yourself now. Try and eat something every day even if it's only a small something, and keep your fluids up.

The other thing to remember is that it's not about what he wants now. He doesn't know what he wants blah blah blah. He knows what he doesn't want, and that is the home life he has thrown away. You need to work on what you want and what your daughter wants and needs now. Sod his wants, hold out for yours.

LindyHemming · 09/08/2017 06:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cupoteap · 09/08/2017 06:25

I'm sorry op.

Don't rush into anything ale sure you, continue, to think and reflect before action.

You need to decide now what do you want. He can say what he wants but he doesn't get to decide, that's not how it works.

FrankUnderwoodsWife · 09/08/2017 06:43

How thoughtful of your DH to tell you how unhappy you've been for years, as if you don't know your own mind, silly little woman. Kind of him to transfer his guilt into you.

How you handle this now will affect you and your DD for years to come. So write out a plan of the perfect divorce. What it looks like, and what the outcome is.
That will help focus your mind while your emotions are all over the place. Return to it every day and amend where necessary.

It may also help to write down how you hope to feel, and where you want to be emotionally, in one month, three months, six months etc. That will give you hope, that these stressful and encompassing emotions will pass.

Next, even though you love your, soon-to-be-ex, DH realise that soon, you will recognise what a blessing and opportunity this is.
You get to live your life how you wish to. The new G will spend her evenings, when your (ex) DH is working late, worrying about who he is with. Also, the gloss of new relationships fades fast, and they will both be left with the legacy of how their relationship started - as a secret, lack of honesty and respect (on his part).
The GF should see what's in front of her nose - when a man shows you who he is BELIVE IT.

Your DD needs you to show her how to handle emotional turmoil with dignity, fairness and healthy self respect. My mother didn't when she divorced my father and the repercussions are still being been felt 25+ years later. Cry and rage in private to your friends. I'm not suggesting you don't cry in front of DD, but save the raw emotions for a friend, family member, the dogs.

You have got this, you can do it. You are a woman, stand up and shine bright.

Overtiredbackagain · 09/08/2017 06:49

I'm so sorry OP Flowers

Next few months will be hard but you can do it xx

debbs77 · 09/08/2017 06:52

Oh OP!

I hope you take everyone's advice on here. We always wish we had the benefit of hindsight and you do......ours! I hope you listen xx

FluffyWhiteTowels · 09/08/2017 06:53

Morning World. A big MN hand to help you up.

Big girl pants on.

Let's deal with this selfish lying deceitful twunt. So he's already on the script with portraying you must have been unhappy too. So he wants to be able to live a single life, holiday with his new woman, date her and build a new life ALL from the safety of his comfortable home which you have built up. He's a total cunt and has no problem with how much he is hurting you.

You only have 6 months from date of finding out about adultery to file for divorce on these grounds. He is playing for time to get his ducks in a row.

Now YOU take control. He has had the control. TAKE it back right now.

You'll be feeling a myriad of emotions. I hope you have friends who can help and support you in the next few days. Don't text him. Don't speak to him. Total silence.

KeepCalm · 09/08/2017 06:54

This is no longer about what HE wants.

Nerve of the man.

Off you pop to the solicitors today and get your ball rolling.......

And absolutely take DD for spa weekend. YOU deserve it & her world is being turned upside down by this too Flowers

Itsnotwhatitseems · 09/08/2017 06:56

thoughts are with you today OP, keep strong and seek advice to get your head clear about your options. You need to prioritise you and your DD in all this x

user1471729756 · 09/08/2017 06:57

I would get rid couldn't trust him again after this

Bunnyfuller · 09/08/2017 07:05

No advice to add, just a hug X

The arrogance and sense of entitlement he clearly has from wanting everything to stay exactly as it is, but him with open access to joint money and his OW is truly astounding. I would move fast in sorting finances as he may now try to squirrel stuff away. Move the savings and close that account, or you just no longer use it.

Definitely you and DD have the trip together, and definitely don't do his 'stuff' any more - you are not his fucking housekeeper, and perhaps if he hadn't treated you that way but had respected and valued you he wouldn't have felt the need to chase the fleeting excitement and flattery of a new relationship. It's all jolly fun for him now - her on the side, not having any realities of living a life together, and the comfort and security of you keeping his home and everything that goes with it.

He's a pathetic man child cliche and beyond selfish. You will get through this OP, you really will. It speaks 100% about him as a rubbish husband and is no reflection on you - she has nothing you don't have except the actual reality of him! The sparkle will fade very quickly for both of them as they are forced into mundane and not their pseudo romantic clandestine meetings.

We're all angry on your behalf. You can also be proud that your instincts were bang on, and as you begin to process this you'll be able to choose your path forward xxx

thegirlupnorth · 09/08/2017 07:06

Well at least he was honest. Hopefully you have been able to rest and sleep.

clickhappy · 09/08/2017 07:07

I'm so sorry.

Doublemint · 09/08/2017 07:11

I wouldn't let him stay in the house, fuck what he wants right now x

Dailystuck71 · 09/08/2017 07:11

OP I am sorry. I don't know what to advise but you will get lots of good support. Be kind to yourself and your daughter. What a cock of a man. Hugs 💐

worldupsidedown · 09/08/2017 07:12

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I woke up a little while ago, was in a lovely deep sleep until he came into the bedroom to get his clothes. I had that fleeting moment of 'normal' then that 'oh shit' no everything is not normal from today.

Exactly what you've been saying hit my mind, does he still expect me to cook dinner, send his shirts for ironing iron his shirts, renew his car insurance....,

'not been happy for years' a) when did he ever seriously try and talk about this, not when the two of us have enjoyed countless brunches out most Saturdays, not when we were deciding on complete new wills, setting up POAs which the guy texted me about yesterday to drop off. ?

b) when his daughter was born and his wife's body got totally wrecked because she had HELLP syndrome which made her turn 20st in 24 hrs and it never got back to the fit body she had before

This is so sad, but even my DD has said to me that things he's said to me or his reactions to something were 'unreasonable' she's even told me she doesn't understand why Input up with him, I'd be better off without him. Maybe I have been deluding myself. I only hope that it doesn't take him long to realise what an almighty cock he's been and he's just made a huge mistake he doesn't 'want to live a half life' I think he hasn't realised that he had a whole life and has probably just cut it in half.

... so do I change my Facebook profile to 'its complicated' now? Perhaps put out a message of why

OP posts:
lazycrazyhazy · 09/08/2017 07:12

I'm sorry it was as expected. Some great advice on here already.

Everyone I know whose been through this has been fed "I've been unhappy for years". The insanity which goes with the affair makes them think that.

I'd reiterate getting a second opinion from a hot shot divorce lawyer, someone specialised and used to dealing with quite substantial assets. It may be worth forking out for a London expert who may earn their extra pennies by doing better for you, over a Surrey solicitor. A friend got different advice from exactly those two and the London one won her a better deal.

You are so strong and you will get beyond this. Now find your rage and get your RL support going. Speak to everyone if you're ready. I had to deal with something but had to work it through in my own head before I could talk about it. Thinking of you.

FrogsSitonLogs · 09/08/2017 07:15

Agree with the above.

Fuck what he wants! He wants to have his cake and eat it. Still live at home and play happy families whilst still seeing the OW on the side and spending family money on her. Come to some arrangement? Fuck that. Who the hell does he think he is?

Tell everyone. Do not protect him.

Don't do any more for him, and please take your DD on your weekend away.

GeekyWombat · 09/08/2017 07:17

So sorry to read this OP. Definitely agree take DD on spa weekend.

GriseldaChop · 09/08/2017 07:19

I'm so sorry that it's all come to this. I was in this situation ten years ago and it's pretty shitty right now but you will come out the other side, even stronger than before. Do what is right for you and your daughter, tell who you need but above all keep your head held high and your dignity in tact and then you'll always have the upper hand. Flowers

TheObserverOne · 09/08/2017 07:21

I also think you should take DD on your weekend away, I think it would be good for you.
Thinking of you op Gin

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