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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he having an affair #2

923 replies

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 23:03

Continuing on from 'is he having an affair'

23:03 and still not home.

OP posts:
Original poster
worldupsidedown · 09/08/2017 01:57

I'm in bed, he's in the spare room. He's come clean after a bit of confused pacing like he didn't know what I was on about when I asked him to sit down and tell me everything, but he does want to end our relationship, says he's not been happy for years and that I must admit to being the same, I told him that I felt he just distanced himself from us all the time, but I do love him. He has had an affair with a colleague/friend, they share similar interests, she's much younger than him (no surprise), lives in North London, he doesn't know if he loves her. What I don't get is he doesn't want a divorce, or he's not said he does, he doesn't want to move out, he has every right to stay, but he cant move out immediately anyway, I can stay in our house as long as I want. I've told him I don't think I can live under the same roof as him if he's coming home in the evening after being with her, but it sounds like he thinks we can come to some kind of arrangement (?) The flights are for a Friday 18th, says it's just flights for him (iro £350) to Athens. He says he can spend money on going out if he wants to and I said but he's spending our money on her. He said he won't do stupid frittering money away. I gave him my booking receipt for my expensive hotel birthday present weekend and said he could use it with her to be out of the house seeing as I won't be, apparently she's away this weekend. I also told him he needs to call his mum and let her know she's no longer needed on Friday and why.

I'm numb, tearful, upset. I can't sleep but writing this all out is helping. I'm not sure what to do next

OP posts:
mumof06darlings · 09/08/2017 02:03

You poor thing that's a lot to take on board. For now do nothing. Absorb everything and you can take it at whatever pace you feel comfortable.

user1485639128 · 09/08/2017 02:07

I'm sorry this is happening to you but at least you know the truth now. Try get some rest

bibbertybobbityboo · 09/08/2017 02:10

How dare he think he can have his cake and eat it and come to some arrangement!! You will find your anger about this soon and please don't think for a minute that this is what is going to happen to you, the fucking audacity of him is breathtaking
Lie down, turn off the lights and rest, your body may surprise you and you might sleep , you will find your strength tomorrow FlowersFlowersFlowers

janaus · 09/08/2017 02:10

I'm glad it's out now. You have been amazingly strong. Now it's time to look after yourself. Eat small amounts even if you don't feel like it.
It will give you strength to see this through. Take care.

bibbertybobbityboo · 09/08/2017 02:13

Tip for tomorrow- tell tell tell EVERYONE, your mutual friends, his parents, etc etc it will help it sink in and you will gain strength from their reactions, don't become the keeper of his secrets, fucking slimeball

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 09/08/2017 02:14

Goodness me you have really been through it, haven't you?
Did he show any signs of remorse?

RosieTheRiveting · 09/08/2017 02:14

You don't have to make any sudden decisions, but he doesn't get to call the shots for now - very much like he wants his cake and all that.

mumof06darlings · 09/08/2017 02:15

You should go on that hotel break with your daughter. Ye deserve it

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 09/08/2017 02:16

And yes, tell everyone before he twists it. People will say this is a bad idea but truly you need the support at this time.

I also wouldn't believe him on the "not planning to fritter the money away" front either. Keep your eyes peeled and refresh your accounts on a regular basis.

user1485639128 · 09/08/2017 02:17

I agree with another poster, you should take your daughter to your birthday treat. Give you some thinking space and time together

EthelMerman · 09/08/2017 02:18

I'm with bibberty - he's wanting to have his cake and eat it.

Hope you manage to get some rest. Look after yourself. Stay strong for your DD. And do as janaus says, you'll need to keep your strength up.

Zaccheryquack · 09/08/2017 02:19

That just sounds awful. I feel like this is his doing and he needs to move out. He can't rip things apart and then expect you to do the moving. Where do you stand legally. He seems to have no shame. What a selfish man he is being FlowersFlowers

innagazing · 09/08/2017 02:22

You must feel so numb and shocked!
It's been a very long night and right now, you don't have to decide anything. Try to get some rest. In the morning you don't need to talk to him or agree to anything until you've had a chance to think things through. You'll have lots of support and suggestions on here, as well as handholds.
He's a cheeky fucker though, and I feel rage on your behalf! He seems to want everything to remain the same, and to continue living in the same house while still seeing her. While he waits to see whether OW wants him full time???
Why can't he move out immediately? (If that's what you want) he could stay at a premier Inn, rent a place, or stay with his mate, or parents. That's usually what people do when they've been caught having an affair-it would be torturous to live under the same roof and a big risk to most peoples wellbeing and mental health.
I'm so sorry this has happened. Do try to get some rest now.

Hesabawbag · 09/08/2017 02:29

I am so sorry for you. You must get real support from people you can trust. Do not leave your home. He really has some nerve expecting to stay on. Get through tonight with mn and I would look online for some good solid self help books and counseling for yourself. What a silly man!

innagazing · 09/08/2017 02:33

The flight info he told you sounds dodgy- didn't you ring and find that they were for 2 seats to Paris? And how could he say he was going to Paris for the weekend in Sept for work if he was going to Greece? Was he planning both? What would he have told you about two trips if you hadn't discovered his affair?
If he 'hasn't been happy for years' is this him saying he's had lots of affairs? Why didn't he speak to you about being unhappy before now, if he's been so unhappy for such a long time? Don't let him blame you for this at all! It's bloody cruel of him not to tell you how he was feeling!
Anyway, I'm sure you need some rest, so I won't carry on with all the questions. Flowers

Original poster
worldupsidedown · 09/08/2017 02:34

No, he doesn't want me to move out at all. I think he just wants us to live together separately, I don't know. He is remorseful but I don't think he knows what he wants. I'm going to sleep now,

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 09/08/2017 02:39

The next thing to do is book another solicitor's appointment. Now that you know the truth you need to start the papers going. You need especially to make financial arrangements. I'm sorry, I've forgotten if you are a SAHM or if you work outside the home, but this is especially important if you have no, or very low, income. You need to see what you can do, if anything, about getting him to leave.

He sees himself and you 'living apart in the same house' with no need to change things. It works very well for him, doesn't it, because he sees you as continuing to take care of DD and do all the domestic chores. In other words, you've been 'demoted' to maid of all work and nanny whilst he gets to live the 'single life'.

Starting tomorrow, make it very clear to him that you will NO LONGER provide any 'domestic services' for him. You will no longer do his laundry, cook for him, run errands for him, clean up after him, or run his 'social calendar' (his family gifts, cards, etc). That you will continue to look after DD and yourself but that's it!

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/08/2017 02:46

He knows exactly what he wants, he just isnt sure if he can move straight in with her so needs to try and stay in the house until she will have him full time.

He also isnt going to push for divorce until he is sure she will take him on. So follow your own time line and totally disregard anything he has to say. If he wants to spend his time with her then he moves out, and you will file for divorce when it suits you not him.

LilyMcClellan · 09/08/2017 03:06

I'm so sorry to hear this, World,but at least you got the truth, or at least a good chunk. AcrossthePond has excellent advice. Get straight to the solicitor for advice on asset protection, drop all partnership services, don't lie to protect his reputation, and make all decisions based 100 percent on "Is this the best thing for my daughter and I?" and 0 percent on what's good for him.

Keep your head high. You've done nothing wrong, and you owe him nothing at all.

Big unMumsnetty hugs to you.

RhinoGirl · 09/08/2017 03:58

If he hasn't been happy for years, why not say something?! Why cheat? I don't understand some people. I'm so sorry OP, you deserve so much better than this.

Raindancer411 · 09/08/2017 04:02

I am thinking, is the only reason he doesn't want a divorce, is he knows you will come off better with having your daughter?

He can't have his cake and eat it, that is a wrong thing to expect you all to live together, it will mess with your mind and your daughters :(

See what he says or does tmw but I would suggest, even if he doesn't want a divorce, push for one (if that is what YOU want) Good luck and sorry you are going through that

golfin · 09/08/2017 04:14

Will your guests be leaving soon, he could use the annexe for a while?

HeebieJeebies456 · 09/08/2017 04:24

I suggest you transfer half the joint savings to your own account so he can't spend them on OW.

Transfer your share of spends into your own account after bills etc....then he can spend as much of his personal money on OW as he likes.

Keep the evidence of cheating so you can prove it was his adultery that ended the marriage.

He's NOT shocked/unsure etc......that is all an act, a delaying tactic until he's moved/hidden assets or has formulated a plan to avoid you taking 'his' money/assets etc.

Mum2OneTeen · 09/08/2017 04:29

I'm so sorry it has come to this. I was hoping for you that there would be some other explanation. Flowers

You need to look after yourself and your DD now. He has shown you (and your DD) no consideration whatsoever, and is trying to use the excuse that he has been 'unhappy for years' to somehow apportion the blame onto you. Other people have periods of unhappiness in their life, but manage to find other, less deceitful ways, to bring meaning back into their lives.You need to know that him choosing to have an affair is in no way your fault and you are not to blame. Don't let him try to minimise it, this is the ultimate betrayal of your relationship.

I think, for your own sanity, that you cannot allow him to continue living in the family home. You need a 'clean' break so you can carefully consider the path you will now take. Take care OP; it's so tragic following these threads where initial suspicions of infidelity are eventually proven correct, but maybe you can take some small comfort in knowing that the torture of not knowing has finally come to an end.

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