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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will he ever propose?

271 replies

coffeelover1 · 08/08/2017 10:07

I have been with my DP for 6 years now and we have been living together for the last 5 years. He is 28 and I am 26. We have no children and I am happy. Everything was going well until DP asked if I wanted to have children last year. I told him that I did but not until I was married. Very quickly after establishing this, DP started insisting that we look at rings together and I went along with this. It has been about a year since he wanted me to look at rings together and we have been looking at rings for the last few months. I am getting a bit fed up of looking at rings now (by the way, every time we do look at rings I always find rings that I like and they are not massively expensive). I am now wondering if he intends to propose or if I am being strung along (this has been going on for just over a year). I never intended to get married and he is the one who has put all this in my head, yet doesn’t appear to be acting.

If anyone has any advice I would welcome it.

OP posts:
ZooLanePetCorner · 13/08/2017 21:00

Legally, in fact, you currently don't even have a right to the place you rent - your oh could have turfed you put despite you paying half the rent.
It's a depressing thought.

SandyY2K · 13/08/2017 21:00

@MyOtherProfile

Have you read the thread. He was stringing her along. This isn't a difference of opinion.

MyOtherProfile · 13/08/2017 21:03

SandyY2K I have read the thread, have you? It certainly is a difference of opinion, which he kept hidden for quite some time.

MyOtherProfile · 13/08/2017 21:06

And i did say he was stringing her along in my previous post so not sure what youre going on about.

Bluntness100 · 13/08/2017 21:07

The poster who commented that asking you to get pregnant may have been about him clipping your wings due to you working for a promotion, is making a very valid point

I strongly suspect she is right. Get you pregnant, stall your career, make you dependent on him, give you nothing in return.

PencilPen · 13/08/2017 21:33

Well done OP for knowing what you want and need. Take care.

dangerrabbit · 14/08/2017 07:37

Well done OP. You have been very strong and made the right decision. Poetic justice for you to move out and leave him with the rent to pay. Good luck finding a decent, honest man. You are young and have strong boundaries in place.

heliumrising · 14/08/2017 09:04

Generally people who "don't believe in marriage" fall into 2 groups, the ones who don't believe in long term committed relationships, and those who want to live like they are married, but without the legal rights and responsibilities - and generally it's not having the responsibilities that are more important than the loss of rights! (Yes - there's also a smaller group who object for feminist reasons based on the historical "ownership of woman" aspect of marriage, but this is a smaller group). Why people are keen to avoid the responsibilities of the legal commitment, while having the benefits of living as a married couple vary, but a grown up should be prepared to explain their position. If they are reluctant to do so, it's usually because they know "I want it to be easy to leave you" would make most partners angry.

Absolutely right, InvisibleKitten both IME and my friends'.
The ring shopping shit (as it has turned out) was brazen and underhand and OP is very well rid.

OP I hope the promotion has come through for you, but if not be assured that the realisation that your relationship was not for you is a great thing in itself - another kind of investment in your future. Smile

Bardo · 14/08/2017 09:44

Yes, in my x's case it was "I want YOU to bear all of the sacrifice for parenthood. I want to be able to bail with no responsibilities. I want you at my mercy......"

DownTownAbbey · 14/08/2017 10:51

You've got a good head on your shoulders OP. Don't be manipulated into feeling guilty, or like you 'don't trust him' to 'look after ' you if you have kids. Even men who genuinely mean this when they say it can't know what the next 10,15,20 years will bring. Given his attitude to money and risk (i.e. He keeps the money whilst you take all the risk by raising the children and reducing your earnings) I'd say you can't even assume he's genuine now.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 14/08/2017 12:34

This reminds me of a thread ages ago also about a bloke that wouldn't marry his long time gf who did want to marry. She stayed and relationship continued year after year, decade after decade. Then he became seriously ill and suddenly wanted to get married. The lady had an understanding of his selfishness by that time and figured he just wanted to lock her in as his care giver. She refused to marry him. Wink

CalendulaAndRoses · 14/08/2017 13:18

Hi CoffeeLover - be glad you found this out now and are brave enough/sure enough about what you want to end things. I was in a situation like this. Told my then partner I wanted to get married, also told him I didn't believe in pressuring him and if it wasn't what he wanted we should split. In the end he was too frightened to let me go, proposed, we married and had 2 kids. When the second was about 3 I realised things really weren't right, he then announced to me he'd never believed in marriage being for life anyway. But he was happy to let things stay the way they were as long as I would turn a blind eye to his philandering. At that stage, after a lot of soul searching and worrying about the impact on the kids I finally ended the relationship. Thankfully I have two amazing DCs out of it or I would sincerely beat myself up over wasting a lot of my best years with someone who really didn't have the same values as me and wasn't really up for the long haul. Best of luck to you

Mirrorface · 14/08/2017 13:19

I didn't want to get married because I don't really like the convention of it.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 14/08/2017 13:36

If someone doesn't want all of the fuss with a wedding then they can say that. But getting married can be incredibly simple, just to get the piece of paper. If they don't appreciate why someone would want the legal protection, or try emotional blackmail along the lines of "Isn't love enough" etc, then they are a twat, and the suspicion is that actually they know exactly what they are doing.

SeaRabbit · 14/08/2017 13:56

Mirrorface - what about the protection that marriage gives? you can just pop to registry office & get the staff to witness it - no-one else need know.

Angelf1sh · 14/08/2017 15:36

I wasn't remotely surprised to read how this turned out OP, but I am sorry that he strung you along utterly pointlessly for over a year and would've continued to do so given half a chance. He's a prick and you're better off without him. But tbh, I think you've always known this. I opened this thread assuming I'd read the original post and just respond "why don't you just ask him ffs, it's 2017!" but actually when I read it my initial thought was actually "does she actually even want to marry this guy?" It seems like he forced the issue because of the kids thing (and possibly because he wanted to stall your promotion, we can't know) and then you ended up feeling like you needed to want to be engaged because you were ring shopping, not that you actually wanted to be married iyswim.

If I were you I'd go NC now. You've got your stuff out, you've cancelled the direct debit and you've had two long chats with him, one where he was fully aware you were going to leave. His only response is to make out like you've behaved unreasonably. I'd have nothing more to say to him now. He's shown his true colours.

Malters87 · 14/08/2017 16:00

Mirror - say more! I am happy and comfortable unmarried with DC but threads like this scare me and make me doubt myself!
OP I'm sorry for the breakdown of your relationship. What I was trying rather clumsily to say before is that it's not really about the idea of marriage (I'm sure MN could argue for and against that all day!) but it's about the lack of respect of what's important to you and the dishonesty. This should have come a long time ago but as you said, you must move on and find someone who respects your wishes and values as much as you do

Original poster
coffeelover1 · 14/08/2017 17:20

Thank you everyone. I have finished work and got my promotion. I have told my colleagues what is going on and I have been relieved by the amount of support I am getting both from them, my mum and on MN. Thankfully, the property I am/was renting with my OH is fully furnished so it has been easy to move most of my stuff. I need to go back at some point to pick up the rest of my clothes and a few books. I cannot believe how easy it has been to move out and makes me realise how vulnerable I was.

I have not blocked contact with my OH yet, I want to get fully moved out first and agree upon rent/bills. Everything was in his name so I cancelled the DD's this morning to his bank account and am calling him tonight to let him know. I am also going to email him so that he can have "written notice" as well.

I do not want to cause offence about women choosing not to be married. I honestly have nothing against it. The only reason I am really disappointed in my OH is because he always "believed" in marriage and suddenly no longer believes in it which I find strange. He has been the one to put pressure on to have children and a house but is not prepared to make any commitment to me. Even a legal document or something would be appreciated before I give up my career and become a SAHM.

I got a text message earlier (he is no longer bombarding me thankfully) wishing me good luck for my promotion and how we should start "dating" again and forget all about last week. I am going to call him tonight and see how it goes. I have decided though this 50/50 business is not really that fair and I have never even thought to question it before.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 14/08/2017 17:26

Congratulations on your promotion!

Could I suggest that you don't call him tonight, unless it is to discuss the retrieval of the rest of your stuff.

It's too soon to be in the 'see how it goes' territory. Take your time, live independently for a while.

If you still want to give him a second chance in a few months, then perhaps.

The offer to reset by one week is risible, if you stop to think about it. Because that takes you right back to when he was still stringing you along with rings.

heliumrising · 14/08/2017 17:35

Auntie is right, OP. OH thinks he can control you, this was just a blip and you'll be 'back to normal' in no time. Like a Stepford Wife.

I cannot see how things would get better for you with this man. Make the mental step into independence at least in the short term, you need a clean break from the abuse you have received through your wishes not being considered. You have somewhere to go, and maybe the chance to get your own place, don't lose that.

Well done on the promotion, I hope it takes you to new and exciting places in your career.

Angelf1sh · 14/08/2017 17:41

Well done on the promotion!!

Dating is too soon, he might have stopped bombarding you (it's a Monday and he's at work now so it's harder to text), but he's not giving you time to process things.

Loopytiles · 14/08/2017 17:59

Congrats on the promotion.

He wants to "date" you?! FFS.

Please don't consider it after what he's done. It'd be very foolish to have DC and quit work with a man like this, even if married.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 14/08/2017 18:00

I'm so glad you saw through him.

I was in an almost identical situation at your age. I was with my bf for 7years. We had discussed marriage, and he kept saying "we'll think about it next Summer/Christmas/ birthday/April fool's" . .....
I knew I wanted children, and I wanted to be married before I had them. All his friends were footloose and fancy free, and I knew he would never be the first to grow up. I finally cut my losses and left. He cried, he wrote me long romantic letters, but he never proposed. I felt I'd done most of my crying while we were together, and felt terrific, really enjoyed being single and selfish for a while. Met DH 18 months later, thought he was alright for a bit of fun, ended up marrying him 2 years later, we have the 3 dc I always wanted.
Ex (who is a lovely bloke, btw) met someone before I met Dh. As far as I know, he still Isnt married!

Dont settle for something less than you want, as I reckon youd always be resentful. Im so so glad I made the choice to move on, even though friends at the time thought I was rash. Good luck going forward, and congratulations on your promotion Flowers

ZooLanePetCorner · 14/08/2017 18:03

I wouldn't give him a second chance unless he turned up with a ring, a proposed wedding date no more than 6 months out and a venue.

Even then, I don't think you can fix this sort of mean with money attitude and it'll be a log running issue.

Why the hell would you date him - what to end up in the same situation in n years? If he has doubts after 6 years, don't see what more time will do.

ZooLanePetCorner · 14/08/2017 18:07

All the romantic nonsense in the world doesn't change the fact he sees all his earnings as his, and presumably never questioned you not being on the lease to 'his' flat, or you paying over the odds compared to your earnings. He also doesn't seem to have had a thought that 25 wedding shopping trips wasn't fair in any way.

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