Will he ever propose?

[coffeelover1]

I have been with my DP for 6 years now and we have been living together for the last 5 years. He is 28 and I am 26. We have no children and I am happy. Everything was going well until DP asked if I wanted to have children last year. I told him that I did but not until I was married. Very quickly after establishing this, DP started insisting that we look at rings together and I went along with this. It has been about a year since he wanted me to look at rings together and we have been looking at rings for the last few months. I am getting a bit fed up of looking at rings now (by the way, every time we do look at rings I always find rings that I like and they are not massively expensive). I am now wondering if he intends to propose or if I am being strung along (this has been going on for just over a year). I never intended to get married and he is the one who has put all this in my head, yet doesn’t appear to be acting.

If anyone has any advice I would welcome it.

Others will advise better but I think you are an 'excluded occupier'. Your exDP is the landlord. You should give him reasonable notice (7 days I think) and it doesn't need to be in writing.

That's the good thing about the rental agreement being in his name. You can just cancel your DD - maybe even online?

Fingers crossed for your promotion - and an exciting new adventure op.

Great, cancel the standing order immediately and leave. Given how he's treated you no need to give notice.

Reading your update op doesn't surprise me, as said earlier I thought there was a deeper financial issue there and it seems there is. This really is about his money and not wanting to pay for you. It would be a disaster if you had kids with this man, you'd be on here complaining about your tiny allowance or how he expected you to use any savings during maternity leave.

Your instincts have been right about him. My husband and I lived together for two years befor we got married, and at no stage was I expected to pay the same as him as he earned more. Now I earn more and he pays less and I would never expect him to pay the same. It would be horribly unfair for me to have much more disposable income than him but proclaim to be sharing our lives.

Just leave, cancel the standing order. He can afford the rent out of his savings. He can then give notice if he wishes to leave to the landlord.

I think you've taken enough. Go find someone who will share with you and who sees building a life together as more than keeping as much of their money to themselves as possible.

Sorry to hear how things have turned out but really glad you found out what he is like before you had children with him. Good move to leave and let him pay the full rent. That effectively is what he could have done to you post children if he had wanted so may show him why you feel like you do.

Just imagine how you'd struggle if you were on maternity leave, if you had a child together who had additional needs - because we know who'd be doing all the caring there, or, if you feel too ill to work.

Great news for you is as others have said, cancel your standing order to him, move out and when he's shocked or complains, tell him 'that's the beauty of no strings' Oh the sweet irony of his being hoist by his own petard.

for you OP.

For example, dh and I pooled all money when we were cohabiting before marriage - I was the higher earner for the first 5 years, then we earned similar for a few more and then he overtook me. Your d 'p' has already been exploiting you.

It's not the first time I've heard this story - I had a friend who was earning minimum wage splitting bills 50/50 with a dp earning £40k as that was only fair. Not quite!

I agree it's fantastic you've called him on his bs in good time and before you ended up in a bad state.

OP you are doing the right thing. Get your stuff, cancel the DD and feel proud of yourself.

Hi OP - I've just read this thread and want to say I'm sorry for how it has turned out. The fact he was taking you shopping for rings whilst knowing he was never going to propose is just unbelievably cruel. It was a very nasty thing of him to do and I would feel so hurt in your shoes.

On the flip side, you are dealing with this wonderfully. You only have to read thread after thread on MN from unmarried women who are SAHM's to men who don't share the money and have awful lives to see why you are completely in the right to want marriage and security before children.

I hope you're ok and your mum is supporting you through it

@coffeelover1

Huge love ❤️

xx

If he says anything about you leaving him with the rent say
'Sucks to have no financial or legal protection doesn't it'

Nice one, Taylor

Too right Taylor.

Although I'm sad this has happened to you OP I just have to say again that I really admire you, you are kind of my hero now actually! I wish I'd been as wise a few years ago, and I hope you're feeling thoroughly empowered and proud of yourself (whatever else you may also be feeling).

I'm positively gleeful as well that by moving out and leaving him with the rent you so neatly prove your point re legal protections - except of course you would have been potentially far more vulnerable than Mr 40k-per-year-and-no-dependants.

Totally poetic justice and THOROUGHLY deserved, I still can't believe the fucker took you ring shopping 25 times!!

Seriously though, you rock and I hope lots of women read this and take note because it may help them too.

I also note you said (I think) that you are working towards promotion at work. That's brilliant too. I wonder actually, if his desire to start a family so soon was partly him wanting to undermine your success and clip your wings. Based on what you've said I really wouldn't be surprised if that was the case - rather than supporting you and encouraging you in your career at a time when it's clearly going in the right direction, he wants 25 year old you to get pregnant and presumably take a big step back from it. Babies couldn't possibly wait a few years of course .

I'll admit, I was hoping this bloke would say, you're right op, I understand why marriage is important, let's sort it out, summer 2018 it's on. It's not my experience of friends though, sadly.

Isn't this just a fundamental difference of opinion? You believe in marriage. He doesn't. Neither is right or wrong. If you loved him marriage would wouldnt matter, if he loved you marriage would matter etc etc

Sorry you've split up, and the ring thing is odd, but I don't think he's in the wrong for not believing in marriage

I don't think he's in the wrong for not believing in marriage

Maybe not but he was wrong to string her along for so long when she does believe in marriage and wanted the security of it.

And the OP isn't wrong to believe in marriage so it's best they each fins someone with the same values as them.

Mirrorface he's in the wrong for splitting their costs 50/50 when he earns almost twice as much, leading her on with the ring debacle and the subsequent histrionics and emotional blackmail when he realised he wasn't going to get what he wanted all on his own terms.

Why didn't he tell her he didn't believe in marriage six years ago?

From the moment he heard how hard op's mum's life had been, in fact, he was a total blinder of marriage wasn't on his radar whatsoever...

*bounder, not blinder!

While some posters have spelt out well the arguments for marriage, I don't see any point in explaining to him why marriage is important to you, bet he already knows your reasons and they are the exact same reasons he doesnt believe in marriage.

Generally people who "don't believe in marriage" fall into 2 groups, the ones who don't believe in long term committed relationships, and those who want to live like they are married, but without the legal rights and responsibilities - and generally it's not having the responsibilities that are more important than the loss of rights! (Yes - there's also a smaller group who object for feminist reasons based on the historical "ownership of woman" aspect of marriage, but this is a smaller group). Why people are keen to avoid the responsibilities of the legal commitment, while having the benefits of living as a married couple vary, but a grown up should be prepared to explain their position. If they are reluctant to do so, it's usually because they know "I want it to be easy to leave you" would make most partners angry.

I suppose with the rental being in his name, I can just move my stuff out and not worry about rental payments? I send him half the rent to his bank account every month, then he pays the rent to the landlord. Can I just cancel my standing order and leave it for him to deal with?

Yes you can. You are not legally tied to the property.

I do wish people who didn't want to get married would say just that. None of this "I don't believe in marriage".. As though marriage is like a ghost or an ancient myth.

This is almost as cruel as a woman who was TTC and her partner told her he wanted a baby too.

She wasn't getting pregnant after a year and was getting really upset. Every month she got her period brought tears.
She even sought medical /fertility advice.

Only for him to later reveal he was faking ejaculation and at times had sneaked a condom on. He didn't really want a baby with her.

Pure gutless cowardice.