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Original poster

Will he ever propose?

271 replies

coffeelover1 · 08/08/2017 10:07

I have been with my DP for 6 years now and we have been living together for the last 5 years. He is 28 and I am 26. We have no children and I am happy. Everything was going well until DP asked if I wanted to have children last year. I told him that I did but not until I was married. Very quickly after establishing this, DP started insisting that we look at rings together and I went along with this. It has been about a year since he wanted me to look at rings together and we have been looking at rings for the last few months. I am getting a bit fed up of looking at rings now (by the way, every time we do look at rings I always find rings that I like and they are not massively expensive). I am now wondering if he intends to propose or if I am being strung along (this has been going on for just over a year). I never intended to get married and he is the one who has put all this in my head, yet doesn’t appear to be acting.

If anyone has any advice I would welcome it.

OP posts:
LilaoftheGreenwood · 12/08/2017 13:30

I want her to meet somebody who says ''yes, we're a great team, I'll feel lucky to have you on my team, let's prove that to each other''.

This is so lovely, what Bardo says. Cohabitation works great for some people but I would want the extra reassurance, and even more than that I would want to know I was with someone who wanted me to be reassured. That's the point, really. He has it backwards. If marriage means so little to him, why the objection to a legal format which protects the person he loves?

Anyway, hope you are having a nice weekend. Also, don't apologise for not updating us, we're only pixels on the internet, it's your life that matters Flowers

AuntieStella · 12/08/2017 14:30

I hope you have a nice lunch with your DMum.

Do not contact him again, other than for arrangements to retrieve the rest of your stuff.

If he continues to pester, go for a stuck record approach. Pick one of the several good suggestions already on the thread, or try something along the lines of:: "We want such different things in life and it's good we both know this now, so we can each seek a new future"

Don't get drawn into wrangling over the detail. He's been a shit in dangling the ring-shopping, but presumably has been a good partner otherwise. Not wanting to be married is a valid standpoint. So is wanting to be married. And it's not worth letting him take up your thoughts and your time trying to square the unsquareable.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 12/08/2017 14:37

He really thinks a bit ...backwards doesn't he? The points scored in so much effort put into finding the exact right ring must surly give him a bye in all the rest of it. Twonk.

Now the pestering. No doubt this is to make you think how much you mean to him and he thinks you will give in to shut him up. Wrong...again. He is just pouring on the validation to dump him.

JK1773 · 12/08/2017 14:42

He took you ring shopping 25 times and had no intention of marrying you. That's really cruel. Also crazy behaviour. Is he tight with his money? My ex love bombed me in our early days and was desperate to get married (thank god I refused). When I suggested marriage at a later date for my security (as he was refusing wills, life insurance etc) he said 'what's the point, it's too expensive'. Tight arse he was. He would trail us all weekend round shops trying to save a few pence on every essential item. It was exhausting and I'm well rid.

springydaffs · 12/08/2017 14:59

25 trips sounds like a kind of brainwashing.

mummmy2017 · 12/08/2017 15:06

Text him this.
To me marriage before children is a symbol of proving that we are in this together for the long haul. That you would be as committed to this relationship as I would have been.
That you were willing to proclaim to everyone as we stood and took our vows that this was a life long investment in love, and that in time we would grow have children and a home, to be valued and respected, both as equal partners.
In saying you wished to provide a ring and then reap the rewards with no tangible commitment you have shown your lack of respect for what you knew were my open and honestly expressed wishes.
At this moment I feel we have reached a place where our wants and needs have split, and hope you will one day come to realize that this split is in both our best interest.

Fudgit · 12/08/2017 15:08

Agree with all the previous posters and I really feel for you. To take you ring shopping TWENTY-FIVE TIMES is just bizarre and already a red flag even before reading your updates. Whatever his views on marriage (which as others point out amount to pure selfishness really), to string you along is just awful. He was hoping to wear down your stance against marriage, get you pregnant and then play house for as long as it suits him and leave you financially completely exposed. Where is the love and empathy for your situation in all this? He's the one who brought up having children, he expects and assumes you'll stay at home with them so your career and income take the hit, and he thinks dangling the possibility of a sparkly ring makes all of that ok?

I absolutely salute your strength and clear thinking on this, you have been very dignified, you have not emotionally blackmailed at all unlike him. His subsequent harassment of you and your mum show him in a very bad light as well.

I would strongly advise you don't give him a second chance even if he 'concedes' over the marriage thing - hardly romantic is it, and his behaviour and thought processes show what a selfish tosser he really is. It must be a huge shock after living together so long but even there he was getting a good deal wasn't he? His income almost twice what yours is but you pay 50/50 towards everything! However 'nice' he is day to day, the real test is in how he handles situations like this and he's been a complete and utter dick.

You're so young still and you're absolutely right to stick to your guns. Don't tie yourself to this man in any way shape or form. FlowersFlowers

Amatree · 12/08/2017 15:15

Leave him for good, cut ties and find someone who truly loves and respects you and is on the same wavelength. I'd bet anything that within a year or two you'll hear that he's getting married. Sorry to say that if he truly loved you and wanted to be with you he would have proposed by now. Too many threads on here written by women who have screwed themselves over and given up everything to raise kids with a man who then ditches them with no claim to anything. You've had your eyes fully opened and you'd be a fool to go back to him now. Even if he turned around and wanted to get married tomorrow how could you trust someone who has been as manipulative and misleading as he has been? Value yourself higher than that for goodness sake!

Bluntness100 · 12/08/2017 15:18

God. Op. This is really dishonest and manipulative behaviour from him. He should have said right away he didn't want to get married, not string you along like this.

I'm also curious, why is he so adamant he will not marry you? If he wanted to build a life together, have kids, what is the issue with marriage?

AhoyPirates · 12/08/2017 15:20

It is hard enough reading how many women on MN get shafted when they are married and the law is there to protect them, I personally wouldn't want children whilst unmarried.

The fact that you currently split things evenly is worrying when he earns a lot more than you do. So he has more money left over every month than you do. This rings alarm bells.

With Dh I was honest from the word go, I was looking for a long term relationship, I wanted marriage and children in the future. He wanted the same things. We have been together 21 years and married for almost 19 years.

I didn't have the big whoop proposal, we discussed it, went ring shopping and then had to wait for it to be sized, so he did a presenting the ring proposal. The fact that he does small gestures every day is more important than the big proposal.

dragonwarrior · 12/08/2017 15:28

Hold fire, I effectively wrecked my proposal with a couple of strops in the months leading up to it. Unbeknownst to me he had booked a restaurant with a 6 month waiting list which he thought would be special so he had to keep his cool for that long all the while I kept moaning ....

dragonwarrior · 12/08/2017 15:29

And.... another friend was feeling the same way and I knew her OH had ordered a custom made ring and was paying instalments and it was so hard when she was trying to confide in me to keep the secret as I knew she was upset but I just kept telling her my story

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 12/08/2017 15:30

dragon RTFT this is not the case for OP. her loser DP made that clear!

SonicBoomBoom · 12/08/2017 15:33

I don't understand his thinking at all. Why does he want you to give up so much, and him nothing, and not understand why you might not be happy about this?

He has been spectacularly cruel here. I couldn't get by it.

JamdaniSari · 12/08/2017 15:36

25 years when he has no intention of marrying you - what a tool!
If someone wanted to marry you, they would. You're not at all being unreasonable.
He earns a lot more than you yet you pay half off the bills? As someone posted earlier re legality and assets, if he is in love with anything it is his £. He sounds v selfish!

JamdaniSari · 12/08/2017 15:37

25 shops*

SandyY2K · 12/08/2017 15:39

I wouldn't send any messages to him explaining why marriage is important to you.

It needs to be something he wants to. Before marriage, my DH (then BF) wanted us to buy a house and live together..... And see how things went.

I said I wasn't buying a house with a man unless I was married. He seemed hesitant. I proposed we took a break so he could think what he wanted. I was prepared to walk away, but he cried. He didn't want that.

Soon after he proposed. We went to about 2 shops and I chose a ring.

I think I'd have told him to stuff it, if we were still looking for a whole year... But I'm not always that patient unfortunately.

Stick to what you want in a man and don't be railroaded by him.

The truth is, if a man said from day 1, that he never wants to marry... Many women would steer clear. A lot of women just settle or accept no marriage.

He knows that it will be hard to move on to a new relationship and be honest about it from day 1. Most women want marriage when they have children.

I can see him deceiving the next person, with let's have a baby first... And unfortunately if it's a woman who's bio clock is ticking... She usually caves.

He knows that the issue of time isn't a concern for you and that's why he's angry about you not agreeing.... Because you can move on. He is the one who really wants a family soon.

You're very smart. Stay that way

Bluntness100 · 12/08/2017 15:50

I'd also agree there is a big red flag on finances. Putting a percentage of your income into s joint account and then paying from that so you each had equal spends left is more normal.

He's lied about something momentous, he has led you on, knowing what he was doing, he is not looking to share finances, but he is using warning language like " he will provide" , not what's mine is yours or we are in it together, not any joint language, more I will give you an allowance type thing.

He took uou to 25 shops and still didn't buy a ring, and said things like " I will consider it" when you found one uou want and then did no such thing.

I honestly thing you have dodged a bullet your older self will be grateful for.

He wants what's his, he doesn't want to share and he wants enough freedom that if someone better comes along, he can just fuck off. He doesn't want to be legally bound to you in any way shape nor form.

You are lucky you found out now and not after kids.

Fudgit · 12/08/2017 15:55

Bluntness you are absolutely right that saying he 'will provide' is Hmm in itself. It's amazing how telling the words we choose can be.

Loopytiles · 12/08/2017 16:02

He assumed after DC you would quit work and make yourself financially vulnerable.

He deliberately took you on 25 ring shopping trips when he had no intention of marrying you.

He is bombarding you when you need space.

Malters87 · 12/08/2017 16:05

I have to be honest and go against the grain here. I do not know what the big fuss is about. There must be mistrust in your relationship already if you're honest with yourself otherwise you wouldn't feel this way. I have one DS with my boyfriend and we are not married, and I do not feel like I need to be either (we are planning on it but that's because we both want it)
I have a bit of savings to set myself and my son up if our relationship doesn't work out, and many of the things we have are in my name including expensive car which I did not pay for and house that is being built for us. I am in no way venerable and cannot see how being married would help at all.
It's strange to me people are putting such emphasis on it as if you would be left on the street. It doesn't sound to be like this is the kind of person he is.
However the lying and dishonesty is a problem for definite.
You are the only one who can know whether to trust him or not. Sometimes you have to take a chance on people.

dragonwarrior · 12/08/2017 16:10

Fluffypink ... how is it not the case? I must have missed something but all I have read is that he has taken her looking at rings and not done it yet? So why must everyone assume he never will and is dragging her along

justcanthide · 12/08/2017 16:16

as if you would be out on the street?

My exh tried very hard to put me and his two small children on the street after we separated, including threatening to burn the house down so that we couldn't stay in it. I would never have predicted he was the type of man who could do that.

Fortunately I had the law on my side, involving police and the courts, but also the protection of marriage and I stayed in the house for another five years.

justcanthide · 12/08/2017 16:17

dragon you have missed an update

Loopytiles · 12/08/2017 16:42

Malters if the house is half in your name that's great, and perhaps you have things set up so that in the event of a breakup you would be OK financially: that's good. But it's not currently OP's position and it costs a lot more to make beapoke legal/financial arrangements to protect the lower earner than it costs to get married.