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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will he ever propose?

271 replies

coffeelover1 · 08/08/2017 10:07

I have been with my DP for 6 years now and we have been living together for the last 5 years. He is 28 and I am 26. We have no children and I am happy. Everything was going well until DP asked if I wanted to have children last year. I told him that I did but not until I was married. Very quickly after establishing this, DP started insisting that we look at rings together and I went along with this. It has been about a year since he wanted me to look at rings together and we have been looking at rings for the last few months. I am getting a bit fed up of looking at rings now (by the way, every time we do look at rings I always find rings that I like and they are not massively expensive). I am now wondering if he intends to propose or if I am being strung along (this has been going on for just over a year). I never intended to get married and he is the one who has put all this in my head, yet doesn’t appear to be acting.

If anyone has any advice I would welcome it.

OP posts:
ZooLanePetCorner · 12/08/2017 16:43

In fact though the law is there to protect people so you don't have to rely on what your gut says. So many young women think paying all costs 50/50 is fair - it's not if one person is having to pay for a lifestyle they can't properly afford.

Yes, this dude seems to think he pays for your food and pin money and you get to be grateful for that whilst he pays nothing for childcare.

I only hope he doesn't do the same to someone else and they're 36 not 26 when they call time on him or settle for their keep.

ZooLanePetCorner · 12/08/2017 16:44

Ps I think the ring shopping was to wear you down - so you'd settle for the ring and the issue is kicked down the road

MimiSunshine · 12/08/2017 16:46

I'd ask him what is it about marriage that he doesn't believe in? Because it's not a mythical creature it's a concrete contract that provides security and commitment for you both.

If he says he just doesn't see it as important or necessary then simply reply that you do and as lied to you you thought he felt the same way.

The issue is no longer about a proposal/ wedding, it's about his deceit and your incompatibility as you now know you want different things

Soozikinzii · 12/08/2017 16:53

I think it's reasonable today you want to be married before you have children , so you'll all have the same name etc. I also agree he must know the type of ring you like by now x

Bluntness100 · 12/08/2017 17:24

I think the issue is bigger than deceit. I suspect this is about money. He doesn't want her to have a legal claim on his money. With so many men that's the ultimate reason they won't marry. I doubt he will admit it because it is the end of any relarionship, but I think that's what it is.

Fertleby · 12/08/2017 17:39

ExP didn't want to get married, we split. I didn't want kids DH did, we have kids. It's about talking about what you both want and seeing if you can live with the changes. Incidently exp got married 2 months ago, it became the right choice for him and his partner at this time, 17 years after we split.
You've been honest, he hasn't, and he doesn't seem to understanding now either.

GeekyWombat · 12/08/2017 17:46

I'm so sorry to read your update OP, but for what it's worth I think you've got your head screwed on and are doing the right thing.

crazykitten20 · 12/08/2017 17:48

@TheRadiantAerynSun

I agree.

Why are you so passive OP? I don't mean why don't you ask him to marry you. I mean why don't you ask him to explain wtf he's playing at ,with all this twatting around? He sounds like a knob to me

crazykitten20 · 12/08/2017 17:49

Just seen your update

😳😳😳

SandyY2K · 12/08/2017 17:59

I have one DS with my boyfriend and we are not married, and I do not feel like I need to be either (we are planning on it but that's because we both want it)

Great... You both want it.
Why should the OP stick around if it's not what she wants.

Marriage isn't important to you. It is to the OP. If you read stories here, you'll see those who weren't married are in a more vulnerable position when things end.

Marriage has a place in society and provides a certain protection. People who think otherwise often find themselves up the creek when it hits the fan.

Wawawaa · 12/08/2017 18:17

It's quite controlling behaviour on his part. I had the same thing with my DP. Constant talk about getting married and that he would propose "soon". I was constantly left waiting and every time we went out for an extra nice meal, I'd be expecting the waiter to bring a ring out. It turns you into a nervous wreck to be played like that.

It's one thing to not want to get married but don't keep talking about it and never do anything. I'm of the opinion that we're both adults and we can discuss it like everything else and set our own date if we want that. But no, he said he values tradition of the man surprising the woman and it was important for him to do it. I even proposed to him to just get it out of the way and he pretty much ignored the proposal.

He finally did propose after keeping me waiting for a couple of years... followed by lots of ring shopping, followed by the revelation that he just doesn't really want to get married after all, so was basically stringing me along the whole time. And now it's probably too late for me to have children. We're still together but I'm considering my next move.

Itsgettingbetter · 12/08/2017 19:41

Really admire your clear-headedness in leaving immediately.

springydaffs · 12/08/2017 20:07

Wawawaa. That is just heartbreaking. What a cunt. Get rid of him PLEASE

wobblywonderwoman · 12/08/2017 22:13

I am actually happy for you op because you have clarity and you are strong and you will come through this. Whilst at the same time my heart breaks for you too - honestly good things will happen and you won't be messed about for years to come now.

I also refused to have DC or live with a man until marriage and dh didn't move in until after the honeymoon. It isn't for everyone I know but I was sick of being messed about.

Wormulonian · 13/08/2017 08:02

Wawaaa - utterly heartbreaking.

justcanthide · 13/08/2017 08:10

Very sad wawaa. Op take heed.

KERALA1 · 13/08/2017 08:18

Well done op.

I guess the other option would to say - " yes that's fine my darling but if we do have children your career will be the one taking any hit, you can reduce your hours and take primary responsibility. Oh and if I ever am a sahm to our children you will pay me a full nanny's salary (£30k) pa so I have a nest egg if we ever did split. And all household chores would be strictly 50 / 50 and our children will have my name. And our house will be in joint names. I take it that's fine my love?"

crazykitten20 · 13/08/2017 08:46

@Wawawaa

Hugs 💕

OliviaStabler · 13/08/2017 09:13

The relationship was doomed and it is good you found that out now, if very painful Sad You were honest and open about wanting marriage and at that time he should have been clear he was not. But no, he decides to lie and string you along in the hope of getting his own way.

I agree to not reply to him. There is nothing left to say.

ElsieMc · 13/08/2017 09:57

You have acted immaculately in this op. You are doing the right thing here although you must be distraught.

I worked for a man who behaved like this towards his live in partner. If any of us colleagues mentioned marriage to her she became very defensive, saying it did not matter. It did matter to her but not to him. He left her with two children for his PA. It turned out that he had left his previous partner and children for her. He and his new partner have not married. He moves on when he wishes because it is all about him and his wants and needs.

The ring thing is just absolutely bizarre. Why on earth did he think taking you ring shopping was a substitute for a real marriage?

I suspect you would have been in the same position op, but your strength of character at such a young age shines through. You are too good for him.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 13/08/2017 10:15

I couldn't be with such a deceptive and manipulative hypocrite

Fizzy Green Water spelled it all out

Good luck OP, don't compromise your principles

Hermonie2016 · 13/08/2017 10:27

So glad OP is sensible.Marriage offers some level of protection if you have children.

My ex was very keen on marriage and we married after dc born.He then changed and decided that he will no longer support the family..thankfully marriage gives me some protection, even then it's awful.I had been so trusting prior to marriage/dc as I was the financially stronger partner.When tables turned and he secured a very well paid job he revealed his true nature.

There are some men who easily walk away from their responsibilities and the fact he won't commit before children suggests he could be one of these men.

It would be fair enough if he didn't want to settle down but he wants it all his own way with minimum risk to him.

Original poster
coffeelover1 · 13/08/2017 16:30

I am sorry to hear what alot of you have gone through, Bardo's story is very similar to my mums which is why I am so deadset on not having children and getting a house when I have no legal protection whatsoever. Thinking about the finances, it is really unfair. We split everything, even down to food shopping and holidays 50/50. I have a little bit tucked away in the bank but very little compared to what he has managed to save over the last few years. The property we are renting is in his name and I would assume when it comes to buying houses he would assume it would be in his name too. I feel that my eyes have finally been fully opened, I really am being taken for a mug arn't I Sad.

This is all so sudden but thank you for all the support and my mother has been very supportive too. He makes it out like I am the unreasonable, selfish one when in actual fact it is him! I suppose with the rental being in his name, I can just move my stuff out and not worry about rental payments? I send him half the rent to his bank account every month, then he pays the rent to the landlord. Can I just cancel my standing order and leave it for him to deal with?

I feel really sad about all this but have to move on. I feel so deceived by the whole thing and cannot believe he is like this. A poster asked what his friends are like and they are correct none of them are married and all bar one are cohabiting. One is expecting his first child in two months and has no intention on marrying this partner.

There is nothing wrong in cohabiting but I personally don't want to risk everything and be left picking up the pieces should it all go wrong like my poor mum had to.

I will keep you all updated. I now need to think about my next move and get a decision from my work tomorrow if I got the promotion or not. I really hope I have got the promotion as it is something to focus on.

OP posts:
JK1773 · 13/08/2017 16:33

Yes cancel your standing order. If the tenancy is in his sole name he's the only one responsible. Your strength is amazing

Kr1stina · 13/08/2017 16:43

I'm sorry that it's all turned out like this for you. But very glad that you found out what he was like before you wasted another five years of your life on him . Or worse still, ended up homeless with two small children, no savings and no job.

You have been very stong and brave. Please remember this when you have a wobble and start to miss him, which you will. But just because you care for him doesn't mean he's the right person for you, if you can't trust him and your values are not compatible.