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Original poster

Will he ever propose?

271 replies

coffeelover1 · 08/08/2017 10:07

I have been with my DP for 6 years now and we have been living together for the last 5 years. He is 28 and I am 26. We have no children and I am happy. Everything was going well until DP asked if I wanted to have children last year. I told him that I did but not until I was married. Very quickly after establishing this, DP started insisting that we look at rings together and I went along with this. It has been about a year since he wanted me to look at rings together and we have been looking at rings for the last few months. I am getting a bit fed up of looking at rings now (by the way, every time we do look at rings I always find rings that I like and they are not massively expensive). I am now wondering if he intends to propose or if I am being strung along (this has been going on for just over a year). I never intended to get married and he is the one who has put all this in my head, yet doesn’t appear to be acting.

If anyone has any advice I would welcome it.

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeelover1 · 08/08/2017 17:27

Does he generally faff about a lot or do you think he's just messing you around until you get fed up?

This is why I am so confused. He is normally very decisive and never faffs around. I am completely thrown by his behaviour and don't really understand what this is all about. I am beginning to wonder if this is all a game but cannot understand why he would invest so much of his time into this. He is the one who is always driving to all these ring shops and is using lots of his time on this whole escapade.

I was so happy with him but I do not like this side of him that I am seeing. Maybe I am being harsh but I cannot do with all this faffing around and like another poster said, if he is like this for the ring/proposal what is he going to be like organising the wedding! This is totally out of character for him. I am not sure if it is relevant but he is in a management position where he has to make decisions on a daily basis at his work. In our relationship he has never faffed around like he is doing now which is why I am so confused by the whole thing.

I was going to say nothing and be patient until he brings up proposals or rings again. I am sure it won't be too long especially with the bank holiday weekend coming up!

OP posts:
ThinkIlikeit · 08/08/2017 17:35

What does he get out of all the ring shopping? That is seriously weird. You shop until you find something, maybe a few shops one Saturday afternoon and that's it, done.

JenTheSprtacusPuppy · 08/08/2017 17:39

He knows what type of ring you like, he knows you want to get married and that youve had enough of looking at rings and when you've told him you don't want a proposal and would rather set a date and he has dismissed that because he wants to ask you to marry him in a way that's special. Is the a chance he's inspiring in more ring shopping because he hasn't found one he likes enough to choose for you?

Might sounds nice and romantic but it's ignoring how you feel in order for him to do it his way. Not a good start for a marriage if he's doing it now. He you love him and want to marry him, you don't get much more special than that.

Isetan · 08/08/2017 17:40

Yes he's stringing you along and the constant ring shopping is a reminder that it's his call. Do not go ring shopping again unless a purchase is going to be made.

It really is time to have a very frank conversation because if he really wanted to get married he would have proposed already. This is the price you pay for buying into that tradition bullshit, getting your chained yanked by someone who not only thinks that he has the cards but only he has the right to deal them.

OlennasWimple · 08/08/2017 17:43

No more ring shopping!

Ask him why he wants to keep looking at rings but not buy one

pigeondujour · 08/08/2017 17:46

I don't understand how you can shop for a ring 25 times plus online together without discussing a proposal. I mean, what sort of stuff were you both discussing while this was going on? How did you not tell him to cop himself on after the second or third time?

Loopytiles · 08/08/2017 17:47

His behaviour seems like cruel and unusual punishment! 25 shops and no proposal: wtf?

No more ring shopping. If he does propose, but won't set a date, don't become/stay engaged. Definitely don't ttc until actually married.

JenTheSprtacusPuppy · 08/08/2017 17:48

Please don't take this the wrong way, but is the type of man who puts a lot of value into how others see him?

I'm just wondering if the type if rings you like are not what he'd think of as flash and thinks people will judge him if you don't have the type of ring he's imagining.

The proposal also could be for the benefit of looking like he loves you more, of being told how romantic and great he is.

Any chance he's wanting the big fancy wedding too? Is that what you want too?

scrabbler3 · 08/08/2017 17:52

Be less passIve. Choose the ring, put it in, and then book appointments to look at venues together. Don't get pregnant until you're married.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/08/2017 17:58

He has told me that he would like to propose to me as it is important to him and that he would when the "time was right".

The time will never be right I fear.

I think you are being strung along here. And visiting 25 rings shops to date as well; he should know what you like by now. I think he is wasting your time here and sounds like he is dangling a carrot in front of you.

lookatyourwatchnow · 08/08/2017 18:04

Ugh, 25 ring shops, that sounds unbearable! I can't fathom his behaviour, but I can understand why you are so frustrated with it! No more ring shopping!

Neutrogena · 08/08/2017 18:22

Dont marry him. You cannot communicate honestly with him. The relationship is doomed.

notsoloudmrblessed · 08/08/2017 19:57

How is OH about money, OP?

Only a thought - but someone has just mentioned to me that this drawn out shopping lark might be about him trying to get you to pay for the ring. How would you feel about doing that?

category12 · 08/08/2017 20:14

^ How is he about money, OP?

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2017 20:20

I'd also agree, no more ring shopping, I'd not say anything but if he asks again just laugh and say no, we have seen enough and you know what I like, we aren't going again, then change the subject.

My husband proposed, next day we went ring shopping, bought one, job done within a couple of hours. It's still on my finger 25 years later.

Bonez · 08/08/2017 20:23

Could it be he wants to save up money before deciding on a ring?

ZooLanePetCorner · 08/08/2017 20:35

For people who've been together so long, it doesn't seem very equal or communicative - you've been to 25 ring shops and been fobbed off with him proposing when the 'time is right'?

Surely the proposal comes first and then you shop for rings or he does it in secret and proposes? Seems very odd to me. I'd sit him down and tell him he was causing me worry.

thegirlupnorth · 08/08/2017 20:41

Be bold, when you find "the one" tell him it is but before you go tell him that once you've found the one you expect him to buy it and then propose within a set timeframe with a view to marrying within two years so you can ttc before you are 30?

caffeinestream · 08/08/2017 20:54

I'm really confused.

So, you go ring shopping and see a ring you like - do you just leave? Or do you say "I really like this one, shall we get that?" or what happens?

I can't imagine going ring shopping, seeing something I like, and deciding to leave...25 times! Confused

deadringer · 09/08/2017 00:16

Patience my arse! As pp said tell him you have had enough of looking at rings and you really aren't bothered about getting married. I hate this idea that you have to be a patient little lady and wait for the man to decide the time is right.

SandyY2K · 09/08/2017 01:17

Tell him you don't need to look at any more rings. You've told him what you like and leave it at that.

I agree with you on not wanting a long engagement and if you want marriage, don't have kids first. You're very smart in that respect.

KickAssAngel · 09/08/2017 02:44

It's time for him to shit or get off the pot.

I suspect he likes the idea of having kids, but is worried that if you marry you could 'take him for every penny' and is therefore hoping you'll agree to kids without marriage.

I'm assuming you'd have mentioned if he had a good reason to not want to get married (like he's the child of a traumatic divorce), and that seems the most likely answer tbh.

I wouldn't even give him until Christmas. He's spent a year arsing about with this. Either he wants to marry you, or he doesn't. Time for him to speak up.

seven201 · 09/08/2017 08:08

Blimey, all that ring shopping sounds exhausting! Don't go in anymore ring shopping trips with him.

I'd been with my dp for about 8 years and really wanted to get married. He didn't but it was a deal breaker for me. We discussed argued about it lots. Then My mum was dying and I told him he either needed to marry me asap or leave. Us gave him a week to decide and as is typical with him he still didn't decide. So I told him to leave. He didn't and agreed to marry me. We've been married 3 and a bit years and are really happy, he had a great time at the wedding. We have a one year old and it was also stressful getting him to agree to ttc who he loves to bits. He just hates big decisions and would happily waft along doing nothing, which is bloody annoying but he has many other redeeming features!

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 09/08/2017 13:09

Is he ever going to propose? This might be one of those circumstances that if you have to ask : Your gut feeling is raising a flag that he is on the "not" side of the fence.

Perhaps you are the Good Enough For Now girl. Sorry. Sad

Original poster
coffeelover1 · 09/08/2017 15:10

I am not sure about the money side of things. He does earn more than me. He earns £40,000 and I earn a modest £25000 (this might increase if I hopefully get a promotion that I am interviewing for internally at work). Maybe he is worried about money, but he has not mentioned anything to me. We rent at the moment and split things evenly between us. We also want to buy a property together so we can get out of renting but again this is something I am not ready to commit to without being married. Maybe I am partly the problem because I am not pestering him to get married but in all honesty I want to focus on my work and climb the career ladder while I can before having children.

I have spoken to friends in RL who tell me how lucky I am and that it is so romantic that he is putting so much effort into finding a ring for me.... my gut is telling me that something is amiss. He is a decisive person and really we should sit down agree upon a wedding date and agree upon a ring. When we are looking at rings I will normally point one out that I like and he will say that he will "consider it". This whole thing is getting out of hand and I need to know where I am with him. I really don't want to be a Good Enough For Now girl.

Following your helpful advice on here, I plan to sit down with him this weekend and discuss all of this and at least know where I stand. I can't believe that I have let this go on for so long but I really need closure one way or another.

OP posts: