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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will he ever propose?

271 replies

coffeelover1 · 08/08/2017 10:07

I have been with my DP for 6 years now and we have been living together for the last 5 years. He is 28 and I am 26. We have no children and I am happy. Everything was going well until DP asked if I wanted to have children last year. I told him that I did but not until I was married. Very quickly after establishing this, DP started insisting that we look at rings together and I went along with this. It has been about a year since he wanted me to look at rings together and we have been looking at rings for the last few months. I am getting a bit fed up of looking at rings now (by the way, every time we do look at rings I always find rings that I like and they are not massively expensive). I am now wondering if he intends to propose or if I am being strung along (this has been going on for just over a year). I never intended to get married and he is the one who has put all this in my head, yet doesn’t appear to be acting.

If anyone has any advice I would welcome it.

OP posts:

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 11/08/2017 21:47

OP you are sooo, so right in what you are doing. Good for you.

Bottom line: he would like a wifey and creature comforts and children and all that jazz but he'd also like to make damn sure his assets stay his and that he has the option of upping and leaving any time he likes leaving you with the kids to feed and no way of claiming on his pension. That's basically what 'not believing in marriage' means - when you want to basically live your life as if you ARE married, but to duck out of the legal side

You know, we know and he bloody knows this is true.

If he loved you enough (sorry), he'd find the faith. Fuck him.

mummmy2017 · 11/08/2017 21:53

Mine got me a ring within 3 months,
Ow he got one in 6 weeks.
Once he was very drunk, and after we had split, I took advantage of his state, as he tended to tell the truth when drunk.
10 times he bought a ring, I have 3, as each time we broke up he would propose and get me another. So I must admit when the OW started flashing her beautiful ring, given the week before xmas in the pub I knew she wasn't getting anything for xmas , or valentines, as he thought he had done enough with one ring.

Kittychatcat · 12/08/2017 01:00

Sorry to hear what has happened. He's shown you his true colours and he's a horrible person. If he didn't want marriage he should have said so a year ago instead of going on all those ring shopping trips. You're well rid of this manipulative arsehole.

Don't answer any calls or texts because there is nothing to discuss except arrangements for collecting your stuff when you move out. Be aware that he may now promise to book a wedding and present you with a ring when he realises you aren't coming back. Don't fall for any further games as you now know you can't trust him.

springydaffs · 12/08/2017 08:02

What a nasty piece of work to string you along like that re ring shopping. You'd think you were a little airhead who was happy with the gooeyness of a ring - a ring which didn't actually materialise!

He really is not a nice man. Don't weaken eh - he has been desperately manipulative. Actually it's a little frightening how manipulative he has been. Or derisory....

You are well rid

IfItCanBeDoneWrong · 12/08/2017 08:47

in my experience, together 14 yrs, married for 9 months, guess engaged for around 3 ish of those years, wait for the engagement and take it as a surprise when it comes, just be happy together, marriage doesn't work for everyone an sometimes makes things harder.

RhinoGirl · 12/08/2017 09:14

I always wonder what people mean when they say they 'don't believe in marriage'. Sorry OP, you must be feeling all sorts right now, I hope fury is one of them! Look after yourself this weekend.

SandyY2K · 12/08/2017 09:15

^^^ This is spot on.

@IfItCanBeDoneWrong

Have you read the OP's update? He doesn't want to get married and was stringing her along.

IfItCanBeDoneWrong · 12/08/2017 10:31

@sandyy2k, my apologies, just a perspective

Original poster

coffeelover1 · 12/08/2017 10:56

Sorry for the late update. I had a very draining evening last night but am now happy at my mums and I am taking her for lunch in a bit. Thank you for all of the advice, I cannot believe how well you all seemed to know what was going to happen when I could not see any of this coming.

I managed to get to my house last night and packed a bag of my things. As I was leaving, he turned up which was very early for him. Apparently he asked to leave work early (which he has never done since I have been with him) and had a feeling that I would be leaving. We ended up having a discussion about everything. I asked him who would be looking after the children if we had any and he said that of course I would (which I knew). I then tried to use this as the reasoning why I would want to be married first and asked if he could see where I am coming from. He got defensive and said that of course he would provide for us and I had nothing to worry about and there is no need to get married . After there was nothing more to say he started crying. I actually felt a bit bad inside but used it as my opportunity to leave. I am going to think things through this weekend but I guess the writing is on the wall. I am still getting bombarded with texts and calls and he has now started calling my mum's house demanding to speak with me.

I just cannot believe that earlier this week I was posting asking when he is going to propose to now seriously considering my future which I guess will be without him for now.

OP posts:

Original poster

coffeelover1 · 12/08/2017 11:02

Oh yes apparently the reason he has taken me to so many ring shops is because he wanted to show how much effort he is putting into finding the perfect ring before buying one which apparently is more important than being married. It doesn't even make any sense. I cannot believe he is like this, it is as if the man I have been with for the last few years has disappeared completely.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/08/2017 11:06

The man you thought he is was simply an act designed to draw you in and infact never existed. What he is saying now is the real him which was there all along albeit well hidden from you.

Ignore both his tears (more manipulation from him designed to tug at the heartstrings) and his incessant calls; infact if he is calling your mother's then she should take action to block his number from her phone. What he is doing now amounts to harassment.

ShitOrBust · 12/08/2017 11:08

yep - he's been making a bit of an eejit out of you.
he never wanted to marry you at all, you'll do for living with and shagging but he doesn't think enough of you to marry you.
i do hope you move on.

26 is very young to be married anyway, what's the big rush?

SerfTerf · 12/08/2017 11:11

What are his friends like?

I'm smelling a pliable idiot with a misogynistic social circle.

timeisnotaline · 12/08/2017 11:20

Send fizzys reply.and add that taking you to so many ring shops was just cruel, how could he be so clueless! If you are supposed to pretend to be getting married he can pretend he is having children. Apparently it's just as good as the real thing.

Emboo19 · 12/08/2017 11:21

Does he give any reason why he doesn't want to marry? He's ok saying he'd provide for you, but what about if you seperate or something happens to him? Has he even thought about that?
I'd text him (as I think speaking to him will just get emotional) the reasons why you want to be married before children, the practical and emotional (if you feel that). I'd then clearly state (again) that you will not have children unless you are married, it's not negotiable and as he doesn't want to marry (but wants children) then you don't see a future with him.

I'm the one in our relationship who doesn't want to marry, although I'm more open to it now we have DD, and we've been discussing it. We sorted the practical/legal stuff as much as we could anyway. But it was a hassle and honestly I think nipping to the register office would have been easier.
I'm not a sahm either and have independent money, if I was and didn't then I wouldn't be as protected even with what we have in place as I would be if married.

Emboo19 · 12/08/2017 11:25

Also the reaction to what you've said and the fake ring shopping, would end it for me anyway. Even if he then said he'd marry you and booked the regiestry office.

And I'm presuming he'd be ok with any dc having your surname name too, seen as marriage doesn't matter then surely the outdated kids having dad's surname doesn't either!

sofato5miles · 12/08/2017 11:30

Tell him to get one made, much cheaper. And then set a 12 month deadline in your head. Dump him if it hasn't happened by then.

ToothTrauma · 12/08/2017 11:34

Always good when posters make an effort to RTFT

OP, he's a bellend. Good riddance. You're very young and will find someone who loves you the way you want to be loved

ElspethFlashman · 12/08/2017 11:36

OP you sound like you have your head screwed on. So many threads here are from unmarried SAHMs whose relationship is in trouble and they suddenly realised they haven't worked in years and are entitled to not one penny. It's heartbreaking.

Bardo · 12/08/2017 11:47

I was going to post to say that I don't blame you for finding the endless ring-shopping a carrot dangling. Your gut was right then, so trust it going forward.

I have two decades on you and I like your mother had a child before getting married. It didn't work out for me. I took a severe financial hit. When my generation was building I was merely surviving.

Co-habitation may work fine for some but the fact that he tapped in to what he knew was your deal-breaker and set about manipulating you in to believing that he would provide what he was certain he didn't want to provide is terrible. You're entitled to have a deal breaker! He didn't respect that, instead he set about fooling you in to thinking it wasnt an issue.

I hope my daughter has this same deal breaker to be honest. I've borne more than 50% of the financial sacrifice and 90% of the parenting and I want more for my daughter. I want her to meet somebody who says ''yes, we're a great team, I'll feel lucky to have you on my team, let's prove that to each other''.

You're sensible imo.

Bardo · 12/08/2017 11:49

Never mind why he doesn't want to marry. OP, you're 26 and you have a very sensible head on your shoulders. You have a good job with prospects. You can and you will do better. I really wish I'd had your head on my shoulders when I capitulated to somebody else's agenda when I was only a few years older than you are now.

grobagsforever · 12/08/2017 12:09

Bravo OP. What an amazingly sensible young woman you are. Would that everyone were like you.

daisychain01 · 12/08/2017 12:30

Thank goodness you challenged him and brought it all to a head, it takes a brave and strong woman to face the music like that.

The grandiose gestures of ring-buying was shallow and with the benefit of hindsight, there were no messages of substance reassuring you that it wasn't the ring that mattered it was the fact he wanted to convince you of his commitment to the relationship long term.

FaithAgain · 12/08/2017 13:03

coffee I am furious on your behalf! I can't believe he thinks that trawling you around jewellers when he has no intention of marrying you was the 'kind' thing to do.

Walk away, work your arse off, get that promotion, travel, enjoy yourself and put all this behind you.

KickAssAngel · 12/08/2017 13:27

Him bombarding you like this is just another sign of selfishness. It's a 'red flag' of a controlling personality when he won't listen. You're asking for time to think about things and he keeps pestering, because it's what he wants that matters. If he respectfully gave you some space you'd be far more likely want to talk things through in a few days.

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