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Original poster

Will he ever propose?

271 replies

coffeelover1 · 08/08/2017 10:07

I have been with my DP for 6 years now and we have been living together for the last 5 years. He is 28 and I am 26. We have no children and I am happy. Everything was going well until DP asked if I wanted to have children last year. I told him that I did but not until I was married. Very quickly after establishing this, DP started insisting that we look at rings together and I went along with this. It has been about a year since he wanted me to look at rings together and we have been looking at rings for the last few months. I am getting a bit fed up of looking at rings now (by the way, every time we do look at rings I always find rings that I like and they are not massively expensive). I am now wondering if he intends to propose or if I am being strung along (this has been going on for just over a year). I never intended to get married and he is the one who has put all this in my head, yet doesn’t appear to be acting.

If anyone has any advice I would welcome it.

OP posts:
hatsoncats · 11/08/2017 16:32

He wants to try & talk you round and it sounds like you're starting to waver. Don't reply to any of them. Silence is powerful.

Can you leave early & get home and pack?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/08/2017 16:32

"I have just had another message saying that if I really loved him marriage would not matter and I would have his children and "build a life with him". I have not responded to any of them, should I just leave them?"

Sod him and his argument that makes no sense.

So he is basically telling you to knock your own boundaries or principles on the head. What you were asking for anyway is eminently sensible and not at all unreasonable in any way in any case (and also because of what your mother went through).

As he is unwilling to make such a commitment to you because he does not believe in marriage, he turns it around and calls you unreasonable instead. He is a tool of the first order. He wants the relationship without the legal responsibilities to you as a person if he was married to you.

Do not reply to any of his text messages. Be gone from his life for good now. He will also start to perhaps cry and or promise all sorts to get you back but do not fall for it. Am certain as well your mother would not be impressed one bit by his behaviours either.

Wormulonian · 11/08/2017 16:41

Do you love this man and really believe whole heartedly that he is the guy for you ?

Albatross26 · 11/08/2017 16:44

I'd just be really businesslike:
'I made it clear from the outset that I wasn't prepared to buy a house and have kids without marriage. As you don't want that, we need to go our separate ways. The fact you are willing to buy a house and have kids but not get married suggests a total disregard for my security and a rather mercenary motive on your part. Good enough to bear your children but not good enough to share your assists? Nah, bye!'

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/08/2017 16:52

Indeed Albatross.

And those children would more likely than not take his surname as well.

SandyY2K · 11/08/2017 17:06

Oh my word. He's been so deceptive. I think he just hoped you'd be more lax about contraception when he took you ring shopping... How evil.

Just ignore his messages.

This isn't blackmail, except by him. He wants you to build a life with him, without marriage, which is something important to you.

He doesn't want marriage. You want marriage... So you aren't suited to a future together.

One of you would always be resentful if you stayed together.

I couldn't stay with a man who deceived me this way. It's very cowardly and I could no longer trust him.

When you initially said you wanted kids too but only after marriage... He should have been honest at that point.

Instead he's been stringing you along.

Go to your mums and block his number for a few days to get some peace.

How very very cruel.

SandyY2K · 11/08/2017 17:11

Too many men want all the benefits of marriage, without being married. I would be just as angry as you OP.

The good thing is that you're young enough to move on.

More than not wanting marriage, I'd be hurt and insulted at his deceit and trying to pacify me by going ring shopping.

What a bastard.

rizlett · 11/08/2017 17:18

Op - I so admire you - even though things are difficult for you at the moment.

You stated what your values are. You want to be married before you have dc and buy a house. Great values. Good standards. Perfectly reasonable.

His values are different. That's ok. We all have different values.

If someone really loves you - they respect your view. They might be sad/angry/afraid but they respect your 'no'. They don't try to manipulate you out of it. Even though they don't agree with you - they still support you.

You are not saying to him - 'if you loved me you would marry me.

You're just saying your life plan is to be married before kids/house.

So - he may come back to you and agree to get married - in which case you get to choose if you want to continue in this relationship.

Or - he may never agree to get married - in which case you change your values to be with him - or you say thanks and move on to someone who has the same values as you.

You gut instinct that something was awry was completely right.

rizlett · 11/08/2017 17:20

hatsoncats is right - Silence is more powerful than anything else.

Instead of getting into a debate - give him and yourself some space and time to think things through.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 11/08/2017 17:23

Sorry to hear it, coffee. Sad
You are right to end it. Permanently.

It would be very hard to believe anything he says at this point. Anything against you is his desperate ego trying to save face. It's not about you; no need to internalize any of that crap- no need to even listen to him.
Anything nice said would just be lying lip service to further manipulate you.

Some conversation stoppers that might be handy:
"Tell it to the next one"
"Use someone else"
"No"

Good luck going after your promotion and have some fun on the weekends with what you want to do (perhaps take your mum out to lunch Smile ).

SandyY2K · 11/08/2017 17:27

And please don't listen to words like this "it's just a piece of paper" or "marriage is so outdated"

You know what you want and you should stick to your guns. He's not the man for you.

This is the kind of man who will lie and cheat to spare your feelings.

FizzyGreenWater · 11/08/2017 18:03

Looking at the dates, you got together with him when you were 20 - that's so young.

You're young now too. PLENTY of time to meet someone who is worth it.

He's a shit, basically. And now who is emotionally blackmailing?

Please don't waver on this - the very fact that he wants to put a LOT of energy into trying to bully you into a weaker position says it all. If he were honest and loving and true then yes marriage wouldn't be an issue.

Ignoring all texts is best really - there's no point in talking. You've had a brilliant insight into how he thinks here and would be mad to ignore it. Your instincts were spot on. It's not just the self-interest - it's the way he's treated you up to now. Duplicitous, to get his own way.

You're SO young. Move on and find an equal partner who wants to commit.

FizzyGreenWater · 11/08/2017 18:12

You could of course reply:

'So. You want to buy a house together. You want me to have your children. You want to live as a family. But, you 'don't believe' in marriage. Just for the record, could you let me know just what bit of 'marriage' you don't believe in? Because from where I'm standing it simply looks like you want to take the benefits of joining our lives together, but to see me take all the risks such as putting career aside to have children while you make sure you protect yourself. What's mine is ours and what's yours... stays yours. Yep. Great partnership.

You know my views, unlike you I've been honest from day one, no bullshitting. I'm not buying a house or having children unless I'm married, and bottom line is that a guy worth having knows exactly why. Lol at that equalling 'blackmail' when you've just told me if I loved you I'd have your children even though you won't marry me. Fuck you. It's the other way around and you know it - if you loved me instead of looking to what you can gain from me then we'd be planning a wedding. If your assets are more important to you than your partner and building a life together I feel sorry for you. Cuddle your wallet instead, I can do better.'

TheCuriousOwl · 11/08/2017 18:15

That's a great reply Fizzygreenwater.

OP you are NOT being unreasonable, you have saved yourself a fuckload of heartache in the future when he decides actually the house and the children aren't what he wants after all and he fucks off leaving you with no career and no claim to half his pension Angry

SandyY2K · 11/08/2017 18:49

Silence is golden in situations like this.

Let him go and find a woman who isn't fussed about marriage and has the same belief system as him, or is happy to be bullied into settling.

The absolute cheek of him.

Why couldn't he just be honest.

Think about this...
He traipsed around the ring shops... Seeing you happy and excited... All the while knowing he had no intention of marrying you.... That's really fu*ked up on his part.

What kind of a man does that?

A sick and twisted one, who was planning to ring shop for God knows how long.

ZooLanePetCorner · 11/08/2017 18:51

Sorry he's a worm, op. Ask him where he's after subsidised childcare? Presumably your career would take the hit as you earn less, and he'd give you, what, nothing? If you let him walk over your boundaries now at 26, it'll only get worse. Stay strong. Marriage isn't too much to ask for.

ZooLanePetCorner · 11/08/2017 18:52

What do men mean when they say they don't believe in marriage? He's already getting a good deal with you contributing 50% when you earn less. Do childcare costs get split 50/50 even though he earns more?

That's not real fairness.

ZooLanePetCorner · 11/08/2017 18:53

Preismlvy sandy the sort who may buy you a ring but won't give you the legal protection of marriage despite knowing what happened to op's mum?

Taylor22 · 11/08/2017 18:59

I don't think you should stay with him but I can't believe his hypocrisy!

I'd reply with 'If YOU loved me you'd just marry me'

Loopytiles · 11/08/2017 19:10

If friends ask why you broke up, the 25 ring shopping trips but no proposal and eventual admission that he did not want marriage should be sufficient info when friends or family enquire.

Loopytiles · 11/08/2017 19:13

He says he wants to "build a life": was he planning a legal agreement about future joint property assets, and to fully share parental leave and parenting (with the impact on his career that would mean), given that as an unmarried mother you would need to work FT?

I doubt it.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 11/08/2017 21:14

Oh I'm so sorry to see this coffee Sad You don't have to say anything to him yet, this is very, very early and you're in shock. Go to your mum's and get looked after for the weekend. I am Angry for you - "if you really loved me..." what unbelievable neck to say that within 24 hours of accusing YOU of emotional blackmail!

FWIW I suspect he "doesn't believe" in marriage because he just hasn't thought it through from the woman's point of view, it's a default fashionable position. But still he's admitted he was deliberately deceiving you. Staggering that he seems to want you to forget all about this - especially as he bloody brought the subject up in the first place!

GladysKnight · 11/08/2017 21:24

Wow! What a heel! 25 times - seems you were right to be suspicious then. I'd be furious too.

SerfTerf · 11/08/2017 21:30

He's hard of thinking as well as whatever else. What a completely BIZARRE way to go about avoiding marriage.

JaneEyre70 · 11/08/2017 21:36

Has he said why he doesn't believe in marriage? To be honest, I think it sounds very cruel to take you ring shopping and not buy one, let alone do it in the hope that it would shut you up. He's never had any intention of marrying you, and has been very dishonest about it. That alone for me would be a deal breaker. So sorry you're going through this.