Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH holding me to ransom

134 replies

Goingfuckingbonkers · 06/08/2017 13:37

I've nc'd for this as it's quite outing.

DH, DC and I moved abroad a few months ago. This was a long dreamed of opportunity for both of us. We have had numerous issues throughout the marriage and naively I thought if we could fulfil our dream of moving abroad we might finally be happy.

It didn't work. Our relationship finally broke down while we were away and we came to an agreement that he should return home and move back into our house (which we had rented out) get his old job back and we would try to work through our issues with some distance between us. He came home.

DC and I stayed for a few weeks on our own, everything was going well, they were settled into schools etc. We had to return home for family wedding and a few other important things. DH picked us up from airport.

That night, I looked in my bag to find the DC's passports gone. DH had taken them and told me I could return to our new home abroad without DC. He has since kept hold of the passports and is not budging.

I have flights booked for this coming week for me and DC to go back as per our original agreement. He says the DC cannot go back. He is effectively holding me to ransom here.

Please give me advice, I am desperate.

OP posts:
Velvian · 06/08/2017 13:41

How would your dh tell the story? It might help to work out what he wants from you. It seems like a desperate measure on his part. Has he had no power or input in the situation so far?

Maelstrop · 06/08/2017 13:42

Who has always been primary carer? Thing is, he has equal rights, so if he demands that they stay, even if they're registered at school, he has that right. What has he said when you've discussed this? You need a family solicitor asap.

fuzzywuzzy · 06/08/2017 13:44

You need to get urgent legal advice.

YouRat · 06/08/2017 13:45

Seems a bit sudden. Him from going back home (you told him to) and him Holding you ransom without not much else going on.

AdalindSchade · 06/08/2017 13:45

Depends where they are habitually resident. The only way you will sort this out is through the courts. I expect they will find that they are habitually resident in the country where they are in school but arguably as it's a very recent move they may not. However you aren't going to sort it out without the help of the courts. If you can afford legal advice then do so but if not get an application for a child arrangement order in asap.

LaurieFairyCake · 06/08/2017 13:47

Are you working out there?

I would suspect your dh either :

  1. Misses his children so much he can't bear for them to go back

Or

  1. Wants the marriage to end and wants to make sure he gets 50/50 residency (or go for full residency if you leave them)

Do not leave your children and go back under any circumstances

SonicBoomBoom · 06/08/2017 13:49

You absolutely need to speak to a family lawyer. Really really quickly. Do it tomorrow.

NapQueen · 06/08/2017 13:56

He is legally allowed to refuse his dc leave the uk.

AdalindSchade · 06/08/2017 13:58

He is legally allowed to refuse his dc leave the uk

Not necessarily, if they are not habitually resident in the U.K. It needs a court to look at the issues properly.

NapQueen · 06/08/2017 14:00

They moved abroad a few months ago. I read this as "from the UK to abroad" so habitually resident in the uk.

MissBax · 06/08/2017 14:01

This is awful for everyone, especially the children, but I see born sides - they're his children too and he probably really misses them just as you would in another country. Can you talk it through and compromise, or is it beyond that? If so then you both need to seek legal aid.

Original poster
Goingfuckingbonkers · 06/08/2017 14:07

Yes i think they would be classed as habitually resident in the UK.
Obviously I understand his point of view, he misses them. But we came to an agreement (not forced by me) and I feel deceived - he didn't speak to me before taking the passports from my bag. He has form for being paranoid and suspicious generally.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goingfuckingbonkers · 06/08/2017 14:09

I have always been primary carer and I have no intention of going back without them. They are under 6.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 06/08/2017 14:10

So you want to go back to the uk as that is where your dc is habitually resident and was resettled in school. Is that correct?

Dumdedumdum · 06/08/2017 14:10

But everyone agreed to move - if they weren't home for a visit I don't see how he capsule have made them return, whole family decide to emigrate (or whatever) and one parent then decides to move back home. You could split up and still live in the same country.

Lynnm63 · 06/08/2017 14:11

You need legal advice, tomorrow. Are the children enrolled in school abroad? Do not leave them here without you as you could be deemed to have abandoned them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/08/2017 14:11

Where are you? Is the country part of the Geneva convention?

Viviennemary · 06/08/2017 14:13

You went abroad as a family and your DH came home after a few months. I don't know the legal ins and outs of this. But why should you have the final say about where your DC's should live. They are presumably UK citizens and their home for most of their lives has been in the UK. I see both sides of this too.

SilverBirchTree · 06/08/2017 14:14

Get off the Internet, go see a lawyer

Original poster
Goingfuckingbonkers · 06/08/2017 14:14

Not back to UK. Back to the other place where we had moved. Dumdedum is correct, we made the decision to move together and he has seized the opportunity to hold us here because we happened to come back for a visit. I am working out there.

Yes EU and Hague convention.

OP posts:
Lucked · 06/08/2017 14:15

Do you have a tie to the foreign country ?. It seems odd that after the break down of the marriage you didn't return to the UK unless you have s job you haven't mentioned.

Passport stealing was sneaky but he could have prevented you from returning through legal channels too.

You need legal advice asap, I imagine you are going to have to move into the family home which means you need him out. I don't see this being resolved before schools go back so you might need to look into schools here.

Original poster
Goingfuckingbonkers · 06/08/2017 14:15

It's Sunday, silverbirch.

OP posts:
drspouse · 06/08/2017 14:17

When do you go back to work and when do schools there start?

Original poster
Goingfuckingbonkers · 06/08/2017 14:19

I don't have ties to the foreign country (except work now) and I also don't have ties to the UK. In my eyes we made all these decisions together and he is now going back on them. It was actually his idea to return to UK when the marriage broke down because he believed some distance and space would help us work through our issues.

I would be ok about moving back to UK, if I had time to do it properly - I'd need to complete or terminate my work and rental contracts, inform schools, pack all our stuff up. But I don't want to go back without DC.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 06/08/2017 14:20

If you say your DC are habitually resident in UK, and you are in UK now, then that puts you in a tricky position and I agree with PP you need urgent legal advice tomorrow.

Is he a flight risk? Is there anywhere he could try to take them to as he has their passports?

Are you dead set against staying in UK?