Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH holding me to ransom

134 replies

Goingfuckingbonkers · 06/08/2017 13:37

I've nc'd for this as it's quite outing.

DH, DC and I moved abroad a few months ago. This was a long dreamed of opportunity for both of us. We have had numerous issues throughout the marriage and naively I thought if we could fulfil our dream of moving abroad we might finally be happy.

It didn't work. Our relationship finally broke down while we were away and we came to an agreement that he should return home and move back into our house (which we had rented out) get his old job back and we would try to work through our issues with some distance between us. He came home.

DC and I stayed for a few weeks on our own, everything was going well, they were settled into schools etc. We had to return home for family wedding and a few other important things. DH picked us up from airport.

That night, I looked in my bag to find the DC's passports gone. DH had taken them and told me I could return to our new home abroad without DC. He has since kept hold of the passports and is not budging.

I have flights booked for this coming week for me and DC to go back as per our original agreement. He says the DC cannot go back. He is effectively holding me to ransom here.

Please give me advice, I am desperate.

OP posts:
paxillin · 06/08/2017 18:10

I would absolutely report the kids' passports as stolen so HE can't take them abroad with them. If you are the British citizen out of the two of you he'd need your signature for new ones. Get new ones, keep them safe.

Original poster
Goingfuckingbonkers · 06/08/2017 18:15

Ah paxillin I didn't know that. That is very good news.
He is an absolutely monumental prick.
If he had kept our agreement of him coming back here and us trying to sort out our marriage, vague as that may have been, I would never ever have prevented him from seeing or talking to the DC. There are very cheap flights between the two countries. He was talking about coming every other weekend.
If he had changed his mind, all he needed to do was tell me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goingfuckingbonkers · 06/08/2017 18:27

Just a thought - I haven't actually seen the passports since I realised they were gone. I could theoretically report them stolen as they have gone missing from my bag. The last thing I want to happen is for HIM to disappear with the DC.

OP posts:
JK1773 · 06/08/2017 18:32

You can't take them abroad to live without his consent. He's withdrawn his consent. He's well within his rights OP. If the 2 of you can't agree it will be a court decision. He doesn't want to live in another country from his DC. Any decent parent will get that

JK1773 · 06/08/2017 18:34

And if you're scared of abduction cancel passport, not just British but country or origin too

JK1773 · 06/08/2017 18:34

*of

Isetan · 06/08/2017 18:34

The collapse of your marriage has had a huge impact on your living abroad aspirations and while I understand the frustration of the suddenness of the end, I think that everyone being in the same country is the best outcome for your children and their relationship with their father.

Just as moving wasn't a good idea, staying wouldn't have been either. It's time to properly deal with your marriage and to put a stop to postponing the inevitable.

Right now emotions are running high and it's in no ones best interest for this to escalate, so seek legal advice and try to be as emotionally detached as possible.

It's a bitter pill to swallow but

AdalindSchade · 06/08/2017 18:55

You can't take them abroad to live without his consent. He's withdrawn his consent

They both took them abroad together. The children are only back for a holiday. This is completely different to the scenario of a parent trying to take children to live abroad against the other parent's wishes.

Original poster
Goingfuckingbonkers · 06/08/2017 18:59

Yes it is completely different as Adalind says. He left us all there with his consent. We came back for a holiday and he is now holding us here against MY consent. I am not trying to move them out of the country without his consent! I am trying to return to our new home! Whether or not I want to stay there is now besides the point. He is holding us here against my will. Yes I recognise that it is probably going to be best for us to be in the same country. But he could have fucking TALKED TO ME.

To top it all off I've just discovered that I need his written consent to replace a stolen passport.

OP posts:
drspouse · 06/08/2017 19:08

Even if he isn't a UK citizen?

tribpot · 06/08/2017 19:12

I don't think you will be able to remove his name from the joint account without his consent, but you should be able to have the account frozen.

drspouse · 06/08/2017 19:15

It looks like you need his consent for a new passport only if he signed the last one.

"You need to get ‘written consent’ from other people with parental responsibility if:

your child’s passport has been lost or stolen - get written consent from the person who signed the application form for their last passport"

famousfour · 06/08/2017 19:18

He has behaved abysmally based on the above. I would get good legal advice asap so you know your options and try to make sure he can't make use of the passports either if that is a possibly. Whilst I am usually for compromise I think coming down officially on this immediately could save you pain in the long term if he realises you are serious.

Thankfully he is trying to make you live somewhere you are ok to live in and is your home country. In that respect it could be so much worse in the long term.

I wouldn't play silly buggers with access. Is that really best for the children?

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 06/08/2017 19:20

I don't blame him either, you both need legal advice or at least mediation.

Playing tit for tat by emptying the joint account was childish, he's just ensuring he doesn't lose his children. Quite why it's fine for you to take them where you want but not him is astounding. He's their father and has the right to want to live in the same country as his children and not be alienated from them.

AdalindSchade · 06/08/2017 19:29

Quite why it's fine for you to take them where you want but not him is astounding

They both agreed to take them to the other country. He is now reneging on that without agreement or discussion.

He's their father and has the right to want to live in the same country as his children and not be alienated from them

That's why he should have discussed it with her not just unilaterally decided to hold them hostage in a country they don't live in

Atenco · 06/08/2017 19:49

Even if he isn't a UK citizen?

No legal expert here, but not being a UK citizen does not strip a person of their parental rights.

Isetan · 06/08/2017 19:57

Would you have moved back if he had asked? I'm not getting the impression from your posts that you would have and that belief coupled with your failing marriage, probably informed his behaviour. If I was in his position I definitely would have done exactly the same.

The backdrop to this is your failing marriage and that has and would have, influenced the subject of your children's residency.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 06/08/2017 20:04

Very tempted to take the advice.of reporting passports stolen and getting new ones. Then I could return and tie up all loose ends in my own time.

You could, but it does carry with it a risk that if he reported the children as taken without his permission they could then be returned by the police of the country you moved to (it would depend on whether the country you moved to considered them habitually resident there or in the U.K. And tbh it could go either way. There is no fixed amount of time to make children habitually resident in a country). This wouldn't be the end of the world since you would be returning to the U.K. Anyway but is worth bearing in mind in case it has implications for arranging custody in the future. Also it might potentially be a distressing situation for the children / give him ammunition if he wants to tell everyone you kidnapped the children and the police had to bring them back (even though you know you were returning to the U.K. Anyway....)

Original poster
Goingfuckingbonkers · 06/08/2017 20:26

It's not really tit for tat rainbows. He has previously spent our rent money without my knowledge and it is my income in there. I haven't spent it - I've put it in a different account to keep for rent and mortgage, as explained.
As for restricting access - he made the decision to leave the country we were living in. He and the DC are used to not seeing each other for up to 6 weeks at a time. It won't affect the children because they won't even notice that he's not around. You're right isetan I probably wouldn't have agreed to move back the instant he asked me to, had he asked. But maybe we could have had a discussion around his fears and explored all the different options. Currently he is holding us hostage.

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 06/08/2017 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gillybeanz · 06/08/2017 23:39

Desperate times call for desperate actions.
I can't imagine how he must feel, any decent parent would be missing their dc like hell.
This needs sorting in the courts for the sake of the children, with proper access arrangements from the start.
You both have exactly the same pr.

DixieFlatline · 07/08/2017 00:45

Desperate times call for desperate actions.
I can't imagine how he must feel, any decent parent would be missing their dc like hell.

Can you imagine choosing to move to a different country to the one you had just moved your children to?

Isetan · 07/08/2017 06:21

I get your frustration I really do but you're insistence at being the 'victim' is only adding fuel to the fire. If you and the children had of stayed, you would have held the all the cards and you might of played lip service to 'exploring other options' but the only option you really would have entertained, is staying put.

You aren't being held hostage, it's just that your hand isnt as strong as it once was.

sofato5miles · 07/08/2017 06:37

I agree you are being held hostage and he has utterly fucked up the options of collaborative contact going forward. Stealing the passports was an incredibly dickish move.

JennyTaylior · 07/08/2017 06:51

Please get proper legal advice as soon as you can. You are both on very rocky ground right now.
Please do not report the passports as stolen, it won't work out well.

I think both of you could be in danger of being accused of child abduction - him for wrongful retention and, you, if you take them back, wrongful removal. Because of the relatively unusual circumstance of you being trapped on holiday in the UK, the habitual residence could confuse matters.

You really need specialised, professional help urgently. I do wonder if he has already received some?