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Original poster

DH holding me to ransom

134 replies

Goingfuckingbonkers · 06/08/2017 13:37

I've nc'd for this as it's quite outing.

DH, DC and I moved abroad a few months ago. This was a long dreamed of opportunity for both of us. We have had numerous issues throughout the marriage and naively I thought if we could fulfil our dream of moving abroad we might finally be happy.

It didn't work. Our relationship finally broke down while we were away and we came to an agreement that he should return home and move back into our house (which we had rented out) get his old job back and we would try to work through our issues with some distance between us. He came home.

DC and I stayed for a few weeks on our own, everything was going well, they were settled into schools etc. We had to return home for family wedding and a few other important things. DH picked us up from airport.

That night, I looked in my bag to find the DC's passports gone. DH had taken them and told me I could return to our new home abroad without DC. He has since kept hold of the passports and is not budging.

I have flights booked for this coming week for me and DC to go back as per our original agreement. He says the DC cannot go back. He is effectively holding me to ransom here.

Please give me advice, I am desperate.

OP posts:
Bezm · 06/08/2017 14:20

You went abroad to try to save your relationship, it didn't work out, now you want to stay abroad with the children. Why?
If the shoe was on the other foot and you had returned home, would you have left the children abroad?
I think both of you need to put the children's needs first and if their parents have split up, keeping as much familiarity for them is crucial. Neither one parent has a greater right over their children. The legalities of this situation do not outweigh the need to keep them happy and secure. You both need to try and work out what is best for them and I suspect you both may have to compromise here. Having equal access to both parents should be your goal for their mental wellbeing.

user1498911589 · 06/08/2017 14:21

have a look at rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/children-law-relocation-holidays-abduction/#I%20would like to move abroad permanently with my children

happypoobum · 06/08/2017 14:22

Sorry, X post.

I wouldn't leave the DC to sort all that out - you are going to have to do it by phone/email. Where are you living whilst in UK? Can you stay with family with DC whilst you sort all this out? It sounds an utter mess Flowers

Original poster
Goingfuckingbonkers · 06/08/2017 14:23

I am back at work week Monday, DC are both at private kindergarten summer school during hols, older DC goes back to school mid Sept.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goingfuckingbonkers · 06/08/2017 14:26

Yes we're staying with family, separately (DC are with me for time being).

I don't necessarily want to stay abroad with DC. Last time DH and I talked, we agreed that we may be able to sort issues out and him eventually return. He also didn't want to give up on idea of moving abroad.

Then he took the passports.

OP posts:
mummytime · 06/08/2017 14:27

Okay - you need to contact the airline and see what can be done about the tickets.
Contact your employer and get a leave of absence.
Get legal advice and help.

Does your Ex have the children at present, or do you?

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/08/2017 14:29

So residency is established abroad if they are registered abroad. Depending on where you are, you may have residents permits unless it's changed since I was abroad a few years ago. I think you need to get some legal advice. But I do have to agree that it would be better for your children to be in a familiar environment. So I'd be thinking carefully what's best for them.

paxillin · 06/08/2017 14:30

Can you report the passports as stolen and get emergency passports? Stay with the children at all cost, including losing the job and whatever stuff you have in the new country.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/08/2017 14:30

So it's Germany. (Kindergarten). You'll have residents permit then?

BoomBoomsCousin · 06/08/2017 14:30

He's acting abysmally. But, unless you can manage to get hold of the passports (and possibly, even if you do - since you'd be taking them out of the country without his permission) I don't think there's anything you can do without a court order. You need expert legal advice as soon as possible.

Is he in any position to take on their full time care while you go back to sort things out? If not, that and the fact they are registered in school abroad might be enough to persuade a judge to order the passports returned to you and give you permission to take them back. But I'm totally guessing at that. A good family law solicitor would be a better source of advice than a bunch of people on the Internet.

WeAreEternal · 06/08/2017 14:33

You can log a passport as lost or stolen online, then apply for a replacement passport with the 1 week fast track service for £87 per passport.

Ring the airline and pay a fee to change your flights to next week.

Original poster
Goingfuckingbonkers · 06/08/2017 14:34

Ok, thanks v much for all advice. Will be contacting a lawyer first thing tomorrow. DM has been advising me not to go down the lawyer route if I can help it because of huge costs which I cannot really afford. But I don't think he is going to budge without me taking legal action.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goingfuckingbonkers · 06/08/2017 14:34

Weare - I could do that but wouldn't I still be acting illegally by trying to take DC out of the UK?

OP posts:
Original poster
Goingfuckingbonkers · 06/08/2017 14:40

Very tempted to take the advice.of reporting passports stolen and getting new ones. Then I could return and tie up all loose ends in my own time.

OP posts:
KickAssAngel · 06/08/2017 14:44

I'm assuming that the relationships with DH is now irretrievable. I'm also assuming that you love your DC enough to factor in what is best for them.

So - what do you want to happen?
Long term, do you want to stay where you were, or return to UK?
Practically, how can you achieve whichever you decide?
What needs to happen in the next week or two to be a step in the right direction?

You can probably find out online what counts as "habitually resident" under the Hague convention, and that will give you some idea of what could work (or not).

If you want to return, you may need to report the passports stolen. Whether you give Ex-H the heads-up (hoping he'll return them) before doing so is up to you. But you could report them stolen, report him to the police, then get new passports pretty quickly. This would, of course, raise the whole Hague convention issue. You might find police say that as a parent he has the right to keep passports, and you'd need lawyers etc.

You could report the passports lost. That's a bit risky as it's a lie. But would get you new ones & you leave the UK. Ex-H could try stopping you. Again, you're suddenly into police/lawyer situation.

You could stay in UK, job-hunt super fast, then take a week or two to return to your rental & pack up everything. It's shit for your employers out there, but not much they can do about it.

The two most risky options are 1. Trying to 'abscond' with the kids if you've got new passports but Ex-H is trying to stop you, or 2. Leave the kids in UK and you go back to work. Far too easy for him to take them and claim he's now the main carer.

bluebellforest · 06/08/2017 14:44

I would get emergency replacement passports and try to fly home earlier.

SandyY2K · 06/08/2017 14:46

Very tempted to take the advice.of reporting passports stolen and getting new ones. Then I could return and tie up all loose ends in my own time.

I'd definitely do this as well. I think emergency passports cost around £130.00 each.

Just check if both parents are required to sign the passport forms... But I don't think that's the case if you're married.

Lawyers will take ages to sort out. Play along and then go back.

Very sneaky of him to do this.

Atenco · 06/08/2017 14:46

Well he is obviously someone you cannot talk to about the problems you have, so you need to know your rights. If you are entitled to take the children out of the country without his permission, grand, but I'm afraid I think it is unlikely.

Collaborate · 06/08/2017 14:47

He is legally allowed to refuse his dc leave the uk.

No he absolutely does not.

OP - you need to get it in to court ASAP. The children are habitually resident elsewhere. He is wrongfully retaining them in the UK.

PM me where you are and I can suggest a solicitor near to you to see.

BoomBoomsCousin · 06/08/2017 14:50

Won't you need his signature to apply for replacement passports anyway? (By the way, I think reporting them lost or stolen when they aren't would be a crime).

Katinkka · 06/08/2017 14:50

Report them as stolen. They are.

Original poster
Goingfuckingbonkers · 06/08/2017 14:53

Are they stolen if DC's father has got them?

OP posts:
JessicaEccles · 06/08/2017 14:55

They are not stolen if held by a parent with PR. And if your husband gets a prohibited steps order he could stop the children leaving the UK.
Get some proper legal advice before doing anything possibly illegal.

KarmaNoMore · 06/08/2017 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bluebellforest · 06/08/2017 14:56

I wouldn't say we're stolen, I would say that they are lost.