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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
FrankUnderwoodsWife · 08/08/2017 22:10

I am hoping to try and make OP smile through a shitty situation Wink

mummmy2017 · 08/08/2017 22:12

Be strong, I went through this and was livid, but I lost ground and he stood there and pretended it was all my fault, being angry let him blame
me, as I shouted he closed down.
When you face him ask "Why?" nothing else and look into his eyes from left to right and back as if your looking for an answer.
It then means he has to face upto his deeds and explain.

Please don't send the angry messages. you can't win with them.

LadyRoughDiamond · 08/08/2017 22:12

Just de-lurking to add another virtual hug OP. I can't imagine how you must be feeling but am thinking of you this evening. X

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 22:13

I'm ok, kettles on

OP posts:
Haribogirl · 08/08/2017 22:13

He should be on his way home now shouldn't he?
I don't think he's gonna text/phone, as what could he possibly say!

I reckon he'll come home and say "what you going on about" didn't leave when he got the message and rush home as that would be too obvious hes crapping himself

The new smart clothes are for her benefit, and I bet she's a work colleague or somebody works in the same building.

Scrumptiousbears · 08/08/2017 22:14

Do we actually know if he had read them?

WeDONTneedanotherhero · 08/08/2017 22:14

Oh world, massive hugs for you. You are doing amazingly

Kezzamo · 08/08/2017 22:14

De lurking too. We are all with you op! Be strong. Better times are ahead Flowers

Imbeingunreasonable · 08/08/2017 22:15

Op sorry to make light of the situation but any chance you could upload a pic of the shirts? We could have a giggle to take your mind of the anxiety x

mswater · 08/08/2017 22:15

Idem. Hugs.

Itsnotwhatitseems · 08/08/2017 22:15

If he is at the office and not the cinema then his phone would be on and he would have received the texts so lack of response points to him being at the cinema :(

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 22:15

Yes, he said he'd be home 1030/11. I think it's a work colleague, probably the one who wrote the card to him

OP posts:
Fluerdelea · 08/08/2017 22:15

Why do they do this? Why do they put so much pain our way. OP Im so sorry for what your going to go through it must feel like a bad dream to you.

Debswilltravel · 08/08/2017 22:15

At the moment you probably don't know your ass from your elbow - and that's understandable. Up to now, you've been in control, in as much as you've been able to calmly gather the evidence and plan your next move all without him having the faintest idea he's been rumbled. I take my bloody hat off to you for having the strength to do all that. Just hold it together a little bit longer until you get your answers.

Remember- It's your life and whatever decisions you make from now on are to you. Don't be swayed by anyone telling you what your next steps should be.

Thinking of you x

Bluebrollie · 08/08/2017 22:16

By the sounds of things, you're one hell of a strong woman and you will get through this. I know words don't mean a lot, but things will get better. Stay strong x

mummmy2017 · 08/08/2017 22:16

If you want to make him talk put the condoms on the bed.
He will have to move them and will know you found them.
This means you say nothing but he knows it can't be hidden.

Fluerdelea · 08/08/2017 22:16

Do you know this person

MrsXx4 · 08/08/2017 22:17

Can anyone tell me what the text message said? I've scrolled through and can only see that OP sent one saying 'really hope you are ok. Love you' ??

Has another text been sent that we are waiting a reply on? Xxx

P.s. OP you are doing amazing. Stay strong xxx

Bunnyfuller · 08/08/2017 22:17

Hold out a loo roll to him when he crawls in..
'No doubt you'll be needing this as you've been crapping yourself since my text'

GL op, MN hive mind is with you every step xx

Dailystuck71 · 08/08/2017 22:17

Good luck OP.

Shankarankalina · 08/08/2017 22:19

Get out a travel bag and leave it in the hall for him (empty). When he comes in the door, the message will be clear.

Don't text or call. Don't pick up if he calls. Leave a vacuum.

DinkyGT · 08/08/2017 22:19

Good luck OP, so sorry you're dealing with this bellend xxFlowers

thegirlupnorth · 08/08/2017 22:20

Can't you pretend to be on the phone to DD as he puts his key in the door and have a convo with her as she's met the in laws......keep it going until he's stewed a bit and then say must go darling, daddy's arrived home to explain to me about the extra marital shagging he's been doing X.

Right by your side sister......whatever happens you might feel lonely right now but you're not alone X.

DadOctave · 08/08/2017 22:21

Good luck OP, stay safe

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 22:21

I texted- now the movie is over, it's time to face reality. You have one chance to tell the truth.

OP posts: