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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
user1499333856 · 08/08/2017 22:01

Do not make further contact.

This is going to be torture for you now but how you handle him from this moment on will set the tone for the rest of your story. You may be crumbling inside but you have you show no weakness.

Everyone is on here for you tonight. You deserve better than this OP. Start respecting yourself. Don't crumble. Call one of your own friends if you can't be alone. Show him you're not the fool he thinks.

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 22:02

I'm folding laundry Smileany suggestions for his pants?

OP posts:
MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 08/08/2017 22:02

Thinking of you op. No advice but you're in my thoughts.

Imbeingunreasonable · 08/08/2017 22:03

Sorry I may have missed it earlier but did he specify a time he would be home? Surely he should be on his way by now?

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 22:03

I'm also looking at the shirts he ordered, seriously? I wonder if MW suggested they were 'nice'

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 08/08/2017 22:04

Are they tragically youthful? Grin

Funko · 08/08/2017 22:04

Chilli oil comes to mind op don't

socubatevira · 08/08/2017 22:05

'Atta girl!!!! Breathe. Calmness. Composure.

Hesabawbag · 08/08/2017 22:05

You want him to return home tonight remember, your daughter is away and you need to confront him. I really hope he does not think fuck it, she knows then like the coward he is go on to spend night with her because that will be really difficult after all your hard work and bravery. Flowers

halfmoonbay · 08/08/2017 22:05

I'd be very tempted to get the scissors out!

loveyoutothemoon · 08/08/2017 22:06

Itching powder!

Judging by the way he treated you on holiday, I will not be surprised at all if he doesn't contact you/come home.

FrankUnderwoodsWife · 08/08/2017 22:06

If he does come home, and sleep in the other room, promise you'll do this?

Take a small piece of chocolate (like the mints they leave on your pillow in hotels) and when he's fast asleep, slip it into the crack of his bum. When he wakes up he'll think he poo'd himself.

Just a small way to strip him of a bit of dignity. And hopefully he'll worry about it ever happening with his new "friend" Grin

lazycrazyhazy · 08/08/2017 22:07

Doing a repetitive task like laundry is therapeutic in these circumstances. Good practice for the grey rock approach. Thinking of you X

orangesinpyjamas · 08/08/2017 22:08

I can't believe he hasn't messaged you back yet. Just SOMETHING rather then keeping you hanging.

Hesabawbag · 08/08/2017 22:08

You must have nerves of steel world. Whatever happens and however painful I have feeling you're gonna be fine.

FoxyinherRoxy · 08/08/2017 22:08

Thinking of you worldupsidedown Sad

Itsnotwhatitseems · 08/08/2017 22:08

I love that chocolate poo pants idea Frank :)

cailisto · 08/08/2017 22:09

Definitely work on your grey rock outer persona.
Sending you huge, huge hugs xxx

BewareOfDragons · 08/08/2017 22:09

I hope you're packing a bag for him while you're waiting. It should then sit in plain sight in the first room he has to enter wen he comes into the house.

Are the shirts clearly not what he normally wears? Ugh.

LarderWoman · 08/08/2017 22:10

Frank Grin Grin

Tinkie25 · 08/08/2017 22:10

What a dick ☹️

Stay strong 💐💐💐

Fluerdelea · 08/08/2017 22:10

Do not text anymore.

Do not answer if he calls.

Wait for him to walk through the door.

Act dignified and calm.

He WILL have had time yo make up his 'story' now he knows you suspect. He WILL minimilise it all.

RhinoGirl · 08/08/2017 22:10

Please let us know you're okay after OP.

JK1773 · 08/08/2017 22:10

Frank Grin

Itsnotwhatitseems · 08/08/2017 22:10

Silence sometimes speaks for itself, if he was innocent he would have been on the phone, confused about the messages. I am sorry Op but I wonder if he will avoid coming home to face the music tonight now he knows you know. Cowardly but predictable.