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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 08/08/2017 22:32

Thinking of you lass.

Hesabawbag · 08/08/2017 22:33

I really hope he does return because if he wanted caught its perfect for him. However, on the other hand now that his bubble has been burst he may have reality check and hopefully grow a set.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 08/08/2017 22:33

Remember he - and possibly she - has spent the last two hours trying to come up with a plausible story.

pidgewidgeon · 08/08/2017 22:33

Don't worry about updating us, look after yourself. Flowers

He is the one losing out, he has lost you and he has lost the home and life you built together with your DD and pets. And for what, a cheap fuck and an ego boost? He is a pathetic, spineless idiot and you deserve so much more.

Hesabawbag · 08/08/2017 22:34

Please remember that this is all on him op and don't let him tell you any different.

fridayrain · 08/08/2017 22:34

Thinking of you Brew Cake

FoxyinherRoxy · 08/08/2017 22:35

I told XH if we were to have any chance of coming back from it he needed to show me some respect and be honest.

He told me.

Then I walked away.

LarderWoman · 08/08/2017 22:35

Stay strong, lovely, we’ve all got your back.

ANNABANANNA12 · 08/08/2017 22:35

Good luck op x

shoeaddict83 · 08/08/2017 22:35

Thinking of you girl, you're so strong and going the right thing x

Gabbyaug · 08/08/2017 22:36

Thinking of you OP

mummmy2017 · 08/08/2017 22:37

World you do know if you don't scream at him, and tell him your disappointed he choose to destroy your family.
That it saddens you he cheated, and sneaked around needed to lie to you, and generally behaved with no honor.
You can have the upper hand, also when he is there and you ask him something,, wait wait wait for him to reply.
Another wrong footing move, he will have to say something...
Ask him his plans,,, say nothing more.
the less you talk the more he will have to justify what he has done.
the less you talk the more he will wonder what you know, how you know ect, did anyone tell you.

Hesabawbag · 08/08/2017 22:38

It's really so sad that this is real life, people can be so cheap. But the real person he has cheated is himself op.

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 22:39

If he's not home about 00:40 he's not coming home, he'd have missed the last train

OP posts:
Keepcalmanddrinkcoffee · 08/08/2017 22:39

Take care of yourself. 💐💐

socubatevira · 08/08/2017 22:39

Just worry about yourself, OP. You can update anytime you can/need/want to.

Keep yourself strong and safe. 💞

SkafaceClaw · 08/08/2017 22:45

Thinking of you.

A complete idiot - I agree with a pp - thinking with his dick and his ego.

mummmy2017 · 08/08/2017 22:45

Sorry you have to sit and wait to see if he will be home.
Hugs lovely lady,

Hesabawbag · 08/08/2017 22:46

Op, it's just hideous but hopefully you get some comfort from knowing you are not alone, so many of us have been there and get through it. You need to think and look after yourself and get past this horrible shock and then decide what you want. Hugs to you.

MammaTJ · 08/08/2017 22:46

Stay strong and don't let him feed you any BS!!

Alpies · 08/08/2017 22:51

I'm kinda not shocked he hasn't replied. He is probably shitting himself trying to concoct a story. And somehow will try to blame u. This is why it's imperative that u don't act 'crazy' and be calm and collected. Do not give him any reason to point the finger and tell people she drove me away because she's crazy. Ur text has probably unnerved him.

BumWad · 08/08/2017 22:52

Also shocked he hasn't replies

HolyMoly20 · 08/08/2017 22:52

Hope you're Ok, horrible situation to be in

LazyDailyMailJournos · 08/08/2017 22:53

Good luck OP. Don't feel that you have to update if you don't want to - MN is here if you need support though.

Petalflowers · 08/08/2017 22:54

We're here, waiting with you. Stay strong.

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