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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My DH doesn't share

342 replies

AliceInReality · 03/08/2017 19:19

I don't know if this is the right title. I don't even know what I'm asking for. I've name changed and I can't really say anything important or it will give me away but here goes.

We once had a kitten and DH hated the attention it needed and the attention I gave to it. He didn't make me take it away but I couldn't trust him to feed her if I wasn't there so I gave her to a friend.

I used to have friends round and my sister over but he couldn't stand that either. He never did anything completely outright - sometimes he wouldn't speak to them if they said hi, he'd let me know he was upset I was putting them ahead of us. After two years of marriage I realise I have no true friends and I've not seen my sister in years.

His son used to live with us but he I feel he did everything to push him away too.

I don't know why he's like this or why I haven't seen it before. Do any of you have experience of Simone like this and how did you cope?

OP posts:

Orangetoffee · 09/08/2017 12:39

Oh come on, a man who uses his religion to support his right to physically discipline his wife and child does intentionally want to hurt them!

Is that what he says after he has 'disciplined' you, that he didn't mean to hurt you and to just wash your face and put on a smile?
Is that what you are going to tell your daughter or son, that daddy didn't mean to hurt them, that they should just have obeyed their lord and master?

You need some real life support and fast.

Olddear · 09/08/2017 12:56

Which religion is this??

MorrisZapp · 09/08/2017 12:58

Dear me.

HazelBite · 09/08/2017 13:32

Op it would be so easy for you to just go!
You have a lovely supportive sister who would help you
Am I right in believing your H is religious???
No genuine Christian or Muslim, Jew would behave like this.
He is a lost cause, but obviously is charismatic as you are completely under his spell.
If you are happy with your life with him carry on (it takes all sorts)
You are obviously not happy hence you posting on here.
Will you take notice of what any of the posters are saying- probably not.
Just bear this in mind, life is not a rehearsal, think about what you want, will he be able to provide this 100%, if so stay put, if not get out now.
I found it very difficult to separate from my ExH, it was the 1970's I got a lot of criticism, but I have had a very happy life a 40 year subsequent happy marriage blessed with 4 Dc's. I can't imagine how I would be if I'd stuck it out with my ExH, I would probably be a very bitter old woman as I had lost my chance at happiness.
Think very hard, look into how your future will be with him and without him.
Stop wasting time he doesn't love you, he just owns you, you are in fact his pet! No wonder he resented your kitten.

lampshady · 09/08/2017 14:06

I'd have an abortion. Don't let a child be subjected to the horror of your life. You don't enjoy it - why do you think a tiny, dependent human deserves that?

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 09/08/2017 17:24

Yep I call BS too.

Nobody would stick with someone who behaved this way to their son.

WatchingFromTheWings · 09/08/2017 17:58

And to my husbands credit he doesn't try to hurt anyone - not intentionally

Apart from the 'domestic discipline' physical abuse.

snowballsss · 09/08/2017 18:09

I am married to someone like this. Except I couldn't see it at all. I didn't believe my friends or family all of whom had said something negative about him. It was I'm ashamed to say only when I had a full blown affair with someone who knew him that it was pointed out that I was with someone so controlling. I went counselling alone because I still didn't want to believe it and when I said everything that sounds just like what you're saying my counsellor said I was being controlled. I said how can I have been controlled for years and not realise. My counsellor said two things. One I was vulnerable to it for a number of reasons and two I was most likely scared of what his reaction might be if I stood up to him. It looks to me like you're burying your head in the sand like I did. I hope you sort things and I can tell you it's much much harder when you involve dc in this situation. Get counselling. I think it will at least help you see what's happening.

Original poster

AliceInReality · 11/08/2017 13:31

snowballsss when I read your post I first felt angry. I felt like everything has mostly been my choice in some way so I can't be controlled and I rarely contradict DH on anything important. I had reason to today and I made myself ill with worry - if I wasn't afraid why would I be so anxious and concerned? I think you may be right and so I'm going to get help for myself to become more confident - there is a service through work I can use. I feel like I've complained and wanted to change DH so much when I really need to start on myself.

OP posts:

RidingWindhorses · 11/08/2017 17:01

so I can't be controlled and I rarely contradict DH on anything important

You realise this is a contradiction. If you said you 'rarely disagreed' it would indicate a couple in harmony - 'contradict' specifically means to go or say something against what he has said. In other words you don't stand up to him. You claim you can't be controlled but you won't oppose his will.

Getting help for yourself to get more confident is all well and good, but don't make the mistake of thinking that standing up to him will help you - it will simply make your situation worse. It will threaten him and he will simply ramp up the control. To start to stand up to him more at the same time as announcing your preganancy - you could actively be putting yourself in danger.

Original poster

AliceInReality · 12/08/2017 05:54

I won't announce for some time Riding. We are going to NY now and I think the change of scene will allow for more leniency. I think enough things can happen there that will stress DH out that he can't control and I'll see how he reacts.

OP posts:

BitchQueen90 · 12/08/2017 06:08

There's a lot of "I'll see how DH behaves" "I think" "I hope."

You cannot live your life on how you "hope" or "think" your DH will react to things. You already know he is abusive and you have said you are afraid. You REALLY need to get it into your head that he will NOT change.

RhinoGirl · 12/08/2017 06:34

OP, you have been told numerous times. He is a toxic man. He will not change. If you want this baby, you need to leave now.

Zoflorabore · 12/08/2017 06:51

Jeez- you are shit scared of this creature, what has he got on you.
My first LTB for this, never have i felt so strongly about an op.

You need help too. You are a victim here BUT what you do now determines a whole new generation of victims.
I do not think you are capable of being a good mother whilst living in this toxic environment.
As a parent you should put the needs of your children before your own.
You seem incapable of grasping this concept.
Money? Money means nothing in the grand scheme of things.
The welfare state is there for people when times are hard. You and your child would not starve.

I walked out on my ds's dad when he was 2.
He was extremely jealous of our new baby as all of the attention wasn't on him.
He was 22, naive and immature and has since become a much better dad, 12 years down the line i still know I made the right choice.
We had a great house, holidays, I was a sahm and money wasn't a problem as he had a brilliant job. Did any of that matter?
Not a jot.

We left with nothing and started again, the jealousy along with the emotional abuse was making my life a misery.
I was poorer but my god I was richer for not having to live in a toxic environment with an innocent child.

Unless you're willing to leave then I have little sympathy.
Leopards do not change their spots.

Believeitornot · 12/08/2017 06:56

I know I'm selfish I just want things to work out. I hate typing here against my husbands wishes. I hate that I can't be good now and that things won't be okay

You deserve to be respected and listened to. And loved unconditionally.

As does your baby.

Your parents sound awful. Who calls their children a burden.

And now you've walked into a marriage which is all about your dh.

My mum is married to a man like your dh. She put her partner above all of her children including me.

She had a terrible childhood and I can see why she made poor choices. But I don't understand them. Why? Because they were her choices.

We make choices. We have choices. They may put us in difficult circumstances but the choices remain ours.

You have plenty of choices to make. Yes you might have less money but you have a job. You could leave London, another choice but it is a choice. When you have a baby I bet you'll end up not working.... even further isolated.

I have a friend like you. She tries to change people and is so desperate for approval. She stays with people who clearly don't like her as she is.

You need to take tiny steps to freedom. Leaving your dh seems insurmountable. So take small steps now. Squirrel away small amounts. Write yourself a diary and keep it work. Carve out your own life and don't give up work. One day you'll make the right choice.

Make it sooner rather than later.

Fathersyros · 12/08/2017 07:18

If this is real then how dare you even consider bringing a kid into this life! You'd probably spend half your life on Mumsnet while your child suffered.

YoungBritishPissArtist · 12/08/2017 19:42

Are you going to visit family in NY, OP? I hope you'll be safe.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 12/08/2017 20:18

What Young said.

I am really concerned that if / when the grandparents don't let you see dss then he will take it out on you.

Can you make a plan for what to do if you suddenly have to escape? Will the grandparents shield you? Do they see you as another victim of your husbands abuse or another perpetrator of DSS's abuse?

stillvicarinatutu · 12/08/2017 20:24

sweetheart - i recognise you from the other thread.

please please - you are doing the right things in that you are questioning the way you have been conditioned to accept his treatment of you - and its absolutely great that you are starting to question things - but you NEED proper proper help - please call weomens aid? just talk to them. they wont pressure you to act - but talking to someone who is trained is the way to go here.
take care and mind he doesnt get wind you are posting - using the net for you personal use - he forbade you to do that didnt he....please be careful - and absolutely do keep posting - its good that you are.

Mom2K · 13/08/2017 01:25

OP, do you realize that you are personally responsible for facilitating abuse? You know that your DSS was raped and you didn't report this? You know that your H has physically assaulted him (and you by the sounds of it) and you have done nothing?

I can't sit here and listen to your excuses and justification for his behaviour and wanting to understand him and to stay with this monster, and to now subject another child to this.

If you stand by and watch evil happen and do nothing - then you're just as bad.

There was no way for you to leave the DSS information out of this post. It highlights the true evil of the man you are with. But I would have still said you need to leave even without that info.

As a pp pointed out - your ex appears on every page of Lundy Bancroft a "Why Does He Do That." You're in it too - just wanting to understand him and hoping he will change, when that is in fact impossible, which you will learn if you read stuff like this or get abuse counseling. I think you need an immediate call to women's aid and you need to be candid about the situation.

Original poster

AliceInReality · 13/08/2017 17:23

Things could be worse... DH tried contacting the GP's with no success as soon as we arrived. We tried to visit and someone (maybe a neighbour) said they were went to Southampton... ? Finally we got a call from the GF's PA today. He was clear he only wanted to see DH tomorrow.

I won't lie DH is pretty upset with me. I've been the one communicating with the GP's so he thinks it's my fault. He's asked for me to repeat verbatim everything I've ever told the GP's. You don't need to worry about my safely - the worst he is doing is saying unkind things. He's worried he's lost DSS forever and is feeling miserable about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

AliceInReality · 13/08/2017 17:23

OP posts:

Original poster

AliceInReality · 13/08/2017 17:28

Mom2K I had no idea DSS had been raped till he left. And I still did report as much as I could. All I have is hearsay as I didn't see any of it. DH doesn't deny it but is not going to do anything about it.

I think that is easier said than done.

OP posts:

Original poster

AliceInReality · 13/08/2017 17:28

I think that is easier said than done.

OP posts:

Orangetoffee · 13/08/2017 17:42

Nothing is ever his fault is it?

You did the right thing in informing the gp that you were coming, please believe that.

Keep yourself safe and make sure you can get your passport and some means of money if you need to.

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