IABU about holiday with DP & BF - talk me down!!

[anon97528996]

Apologies - long post

I am going on holiday this year with DP and my best friend this summer. I've been on antidepressants for just over 6 months and they affect me badly when it comes to alcohol, think 'too pissed to walk in a straight line' after one glass of wine. Drinking will feature heavily on this holiday. To cut to the chase, BF is a ridiculously flirtatious person. She doesn't mean it, but she receives endless declarations of love from the men she befriends as they misinterpret her overly familiar and touchy-feely manner. This does usually lead to some pretty funny stories but there have been several occasions where she's requested DP 'save' her from these men - this has resulted in physical fights. Overall she's fab, loads of fun and we've been friends since childhood.

Now I know IABU, but to be honest I'm a bit jealous of her friendship with DP. She is no different with him to other men, so she compliments him constantly, harmless in itself except I end up feeling there is nothing worth complimenting me on - especially when she praises specifically him for things/decisions we've made as a couple! It does get me down despite her being like this with all men, so although it clearly isn't meant to be flirting it obviously strokes DP's ego and he's always keen to help her out.

I'm going to feel vulnerable on holiday whether I drink or not. There have been a few occasions including nights out where I've felt very let down by both of them e.g. having panic attacks and not being able to find either of them as she's dragged him off somewhere for some kind of favour. Last time he had to 'save' her from a man she'd been flirting with, DP was nearly bottled in the face and I have started going back to counselling as a result as it was a horrible fight which gave me flashbacks.

I know IABU and they both love me more than anything, but I have repeated nightmares about dying horrible deaths while they ignore me and I'm in a very dark place mentally at the moment. How can I handle this without ruining everyone's holiday? WIBU to ask for boundaries and procedures to be discussed beforehand?

Nope.
Entirely right to tell them where your lines are drawn.
Is it possible for you to avoid alcohol?

Why the fuck is she your friend and why on earth given the history would you go on holiday with her?!

Jeez, that doesn't sound like it's going to be much of holiday. Haven't you heard the saying "three is a crowd"?

What kind of procedures are you going to ask for?

Sorry I just don't understand this.

What kind of flirting is she doing that results in her needing 'saving'? Why can't she just walk away herself? This is so odd, and really toxic.

Please tell me you're not planning on drinking, given the information you've just shared? She doesn't sound like a friend at all: sounds a hell of a lot like she's after your husband.

Is she trying to make your DP jealous?
Is he her knight in shining armour?
Is he "protecting his damsel in distress?"

All sorts of boundaries being smashed here OP, and I don't think she's your friend at all.

Are you sure that he isn't HER DP, and YOU'RE not the BF?

Really bizarre. I certainly wouldn't be going on holiday with her.

It is so inappropriate for her to expect your DP to be 'saving' her on nights out.

If your social life involves physical fights then something is badly wrong. You know this.

No. Just no. This holiday is a really bad idea. Is it too late to cancel it and re-book somewhere for just you and your dp?

Her behaviour of flirting and encouraging (yes) fights is not normal or acceptable.

Disaster written all over it. Who's amazing idea was it, if it was yours are you sure it was yours.

Actually, no, YANBU!

Your friend seems to have a very peculiar dynamic with your DP.
The drinking seems to be driven by the two of them.
She has no business to be flirting with your DP, and involving him in her dramas.
How exactly do they demonstrate that they both 'love you more than anything'?

I think you need to talk to your DP about this, and tell him how you are feeling. It is his job to be on your side and make you feel special and safe. If he brushes it all off and makes out you are jealous / unreasonable etc, I think you can assume that he actually goes on hol for the fun, drinking and craic with your friend.

Sorry to bot be re-assuring, OP, but in the end, I hope you can take confidence and courage form the fat that you are NOT being unreasonable.

A hol should be something to look forward to - not worry about the behaviour of the people who should be on your side!!

So her boundaries and social intelligence are so poor she regularly needs "saving" from violent men she's been "flirting" with? Your partner's are so poor he didn't tell her to fuck off after the first time? Don't be surprised when it turns out they didn't realise shagging behind your back was wrong and hurtful.

Wow. Why on earth are you friends with her let alone going on holiday with her? Anyone who would repeatedly put my OH in danger because of her poor behaviour would not be someone I could spend time with.

Please do not do this! Your "friend" is not a friend. She sounds like an insecure, dangerous nightmare.

Please go on a lovely holiday with your DP. Only your DP. Please talk to him and tell him this just would not work. Tell her you have to cancel, change plans. either tell her the truth as to why or just leave it. Maintain distance.

Oh my god, it makes me feel sick just thinking about the three of you on your so called "holiday."

The only boundry I'd set is for her to sod off on her own holiday and never contact you again.
Insist that DP backs you up.If he doesn't then he can do one too.
Surely you're all a bit old for these shenanigans.

Wow I was not expecting this response - thank you. Being medicated for anxiety has screwed my ability to tell the difference between justified worry and delusion. My friend is just a very, very outgoing and friendly person, although very insecure. I'm also insecure but totally introverted. She tends to give anyone a chance to be her friend until there's too many warning signs to ignore, at which point she panics. She wants to see the best in people, and DP is fiercely protective of everyone he's close to! I just want to feel reassured that he will take care of me too, when my circumstances are out of my control, and as much as I love my friend she is actually capable of avoiding these dramas. My DP isn't violent bu he's a raging feminist not afraid to ask letchy men to back off. I certainly won't be drinking if I'm not in close proximity to my bed, but I don't want to be the miserable, quiet, sober friend

You still haven't answered why she's coming on holiday with you and your partner.

To clarify it will be a large group of us, but it's DP's sensitivity that I want to get me through this and she's the only other person I can foresee demanding his attention/presence for anything from the trivial to the dangeous!

To be honest she sounds like hard work. She oversteps boundaries, expects someone else's DP to save her from men - she has deep rooted issues no doubt herself but it's not for your DP or you to deal with.

This is coming from a naturally flirty person myself.

I'd never expect someone else's partner to 'save' me and although I compliment friends partners it tends to be academic/hobby related 'Amazing you passed your Masters Mark' or 'You've really improved your karate skills, Jack' kind of thing.

She may be a laugh but it sounds like she's not there for you, so she isn't really a friend.

Your DP too should be putting you before your friend. Unfortunately I think he's probably following his knob not his heart here.

Can the goliday be cancelled?

holiday

That's a bit different OP, if you're part of a large group.

Make it very clear that your DP is not her personal minder, and mean it.

The holiday still sounds like a terrible idea. Wouldn't you rather just go somewhere nice with your DP?

Your boyfriend is an aggressive arsehole who pretends to be a "raging feminist" as an excuse to get into physical fights.

Stop choosing a Jeremy Kyle life.

Yeah that's exactly what I want, for DP to not be having a horrible time stepping into the "protector" role for her, I love her but she does land in dangerous situations which neither of us are comfortable leaving her in. It does piss off DH massively, not so much the DIY favours but more being put in front of aggressive people, but he's also struggling to understand how vulnerable I feel at this particular time and that I need him too. I'm not usually a princess but she's been very erratic since losing her job and thought IWBU to have a word with her about taking precautions to avoid nasty situations for all of us.