IABU about holiday with DP & BF - talk me down!!

[anon97528996]

Apologies - long post

I am going on holiday this year with DP and my best friend this summer. I've been on antidepressants for just over 6 months and they affect me badly when it comes to alcohol, think 'too pissed to walk in a straight line' after one glass of wine. Drinking will feature heavily on this holiday. To cut to the chase, BF is a ridiculously flirtatious person. She doesn't mean it, but she receives endless declarations of love from the men she befriends as they misinterpret her overly familiar and touchy-feely manner. This does usually lead to some pretty funny stories but there have been several occasions where she's requested DP 'save' her from these men - this has resulted in physical fights. Overall she's fab, loads of fun and we've been friends since childhood.

Now I know IABU, but to be honest I'm a bit jealous of her friendship with DP. She is no different with him to other men, so she compliments him constantly, harmless in itself except I end up feeling there is nothing worth complimenting me on - especially when she praises specifically him for things/decisions we've made as a couple! It does get me down despite her being like this with all men, so although it clearly isn't meant to be flirting it obviously strokes DP's ego and he's always keen to help her out.

I'm going to feel vulnerable on holiday whether I drink or not. There have been a few occasions including nights out where I've felt very let down by both of them e.g. having panic attacks and not being able to find either of them as she's dragged him off somewhere for some kind of favour. Last time he had to 'save' her from a man she'd been flirting with, DP was nearly bottled in the face and I have started going back to counselling as a result as it was a horrible fight which gave me flashbacks.

I know IABU and they both love me more than anything, but I have repeated nightmares about dying horrible deaths while they ignore me and I'm in a very dark place mentally at the moment. How can I handle this without ruining everyone's holiday? WIBU to ask for boundaries and procedures to be discussed beforehand?

Where are you going drinking to keep getting into these fight situations?

As I said - it's all very Jeremy Kyle. I just picture a load of women in heels they can't walk in, with mascara running through their tears shouting drunkenly whilst their menfolk are acting like arseholes.

Just join a bloody book club.

And I also can't reconcile your statements that your boyfriend is so peaceable with all these fights he keeps getting into.

Er go on holiday with them separately? Sounds an awful dynamic!

DH and I and our large crowd of friends drank A LOT in our 20s still do, given a chance. None of us ever got into fights.

Hahahah. We are as far from the heels and mascara types as people could be! We tend to go to pubs, protests and the occasional club for a good DJ, we are alternative types and living in London you might be surprised how many arseholes disguise themselves as human.

Please could advice be geared towards how to have thoughtful and grown up conversations with DP and BF about how I'm feeling about this holiday? I understand you don't all approve of our social lives but I wouldn't say we're outrageous, just that my friend can have poor judgements. She must approach tens of strangers every week and many of them have turned into good friends!

I don't think you're understanding - my DP has intervened on occasions when my friend is in danger and is usually the best person to do this as he is calm and likeable. Sometimes this is fine but you must know how aggressive and entitled some men can be when they're on the pull?

Sorry, fun and all that, but she sounds like an absolute Pain In The Arse

I am not sure you can have grown up conversations with attention-seekers like her. I know she's your friends but...

If your DP can't see that either and is charmed by her, I really don't see what any of us can do. Don't go on holiday with both of them together. You need people at your side who make you feel good. If it doesn't happen at home, what the hell makes you think it can happen on holiday?

They both enjoy this game, and it's at your expense.

No, I'm not trying to be awkward but I don't know how this many aggressive and entitled men on the pull are coming into your life so often to the point of multiple fights that your boyfriend is getting into.

Yes, I've come across arseholes disguised as humans. But not anything like as often as you have, it seems.

You want advice on talking to your boyfriend and friend?

Firstly, don't expect them to change for this holiday - people do not change quickly, if at all.

Then tell your boyfriend that him putting himself in the situation of fights has got so bad that you are having nightmares about it. And ask him what should happen.

If he loves you, he will try to find a way through this. If he doesn't try, he's the wrong man for you.

You're not going to change these people though.

Yes but why are you going on a drinking holiday when you say what a bad effect it has on you?

I think if I were you I'd talk to DP about it being inappropriate "saving" your best friend all the time, that you should be his priority. I'd say to BF to that it's beginning to hurt your feelings that she commands attention from your DP. It sounds to me like she is doing it on purpose, what if DP isn't there? Who saves her then, she's an adult she shouldn't need regular saving!

I would just tell them both you don't want to go because your mental health is fragile and you don't want to sit there sober while everyone else drinks. Not many people would find that fun. Tell your DP you'd rather holiday with him alone. She will presumably continue with the group holiday and find some other mug to enable her reckless and self centred behaviour.

op you've said your piece and we have all told you unanimously pretty much that your friend is a drama lama and your DP Is in some sort of weird co dependant relationship with her.

You can either listen to that, or not.

I just re-read your posts.

• on ADs
• panic attacks
• flashbacks
• her complimenting him makes you feel you're not worth being complimented
• uncomfortable with crowds
• 'a dark place mentally'

I'm sorry for my flippant book club comment.

You know what? I think the environment you put yourself in and the friends you choose aren't helping right now.

Honestly, I'd back out of this holiday, and arrange a much calmer trip where I could focus on, and work on, my own health. Go somewhere peaceful and beautiful and restoring.

Your boyfriend is an aggressive arsehole who pretends to be a "raging feminist" as an excuse to get into physical fights.

It does seem to be that way.

Friends both make and female and I went on holiday and drank a bit lot in our 20s. Not once did we get into fights.

Sometimes this is fine but you must know how aggressive and entitled some men can be when they're on the pull? Yes but generally it only takes one or two incidences of this type of aggression before an adult - of either sex - begins to be a little wary in their interactions, especially when drink or drugs are involved.

Hmm.

My ExH would sometimes disappear with a colleague on a night out. They were shagging.

A woman I know, used to get her friends DH to come round hers and do DIY. They were shagging.

I think you are refusing to see what going on under your nose. Or you are too naive to see it (as was I). Your "best" friend is openly flirting with your DP. Your DP is choosing to "save" her all the time, even if that means that he abandons you on a night out.

Personally, this sounds like the holiday from hell and a recipe for disaster. If it does go ahead, I'd recommend staying sober and watching them like hawks.

Your BF sounds positively unhinged btw. I've known a few women like this, and in the end they always fuck you over.

don't go

Tbh some of these relies have made me feel much worse. IIts not a drinking holiday, but drink will of course be present! It's next week and has been booked for a year - we're all skint and haven't had a holiday for ages. I don't really want to have to justify these kind of things, no one in this situation is doing anything with malicious intentions. My mate can be an idiot but she's the most loyal person I know. My DP can be lax about his own safety but only because he wants to help people, including me, we're just wired differently.

"She is no different with him to other men, so she compliments him constantly, harmless in itself except I end up feeling there is nothing worth complimenting me on - especially when she praises specifically him for things/decisions we've made as a couple!"

Hmm. I would expect a "naturally bubbly flirty friendly" person to be like that with everyone, including you, at least with the compliments. If shes only doing it with men then it sounds more like she is doing it for the attention, and if you do that with every random man you meet then there will be trouble with some of them when she finally hits the "I'm done with this now" point.

Is she letting them buy her drinks as well? What does she do when your DH isnt there and decides shes done with the men shes been flirting with?

"My friend is just a very, very outgoing and friendly person"
That is not what is happening here though.

She puts herself in danger (for no good reason) then one of her friends is expected (is that fair? I think it probably is) to deal with the consequences for her. No one can keep doing this without learning lessons: your BF must be determined to avoid using any judgment whatsoever, because on some level she likes what she gets out of these situations. The only way to stop this is to tell her that the situations she creates she must now deal with on her own, and really really mean it.

I speak as someone who had a 'friend' at university with an identical habit. Two things became clear: the first was that the men were not getting the wrong end of the stick. She was plainly encouraging a certain understanding ("come back to my house for a shag") then denying any intention of it. The second thing was that she thought the situation was too dangerous for her to deal with and opted out, but was only too happy to push me forward to deal with it. Anyone who does this once, let alone repeatedly, is a user not a friend. Or at least, is a messed up friend with some fairly obvious resentment issues where you are concerned.

As for your boyfriend, tell him what you need (not just in relation to the BF and her games) and ask if he feels willing and able to fulfill that role. If not, or you doubt his sincerity, please don't go on the holiday.

If the most loyal person you know, is someone who can't curb her flirting even with your bloody boyfriend...

And if your boyfriend wants to help you but his idea of help is fucking off and leaving you to help her instead when he knows you have panic attacks and can't deal with crowds...

Then I'm not surprised you're on ADs.

Just because the holiday is paid for, doesn't mean you're not wasting money by going. Wasting money and your health.

A week off work.
In London.
On your own.
No drama.
Holiday spending money in your pocket.
Quiet days at home, or a trip to all the places you love locally, or keep meaning to go but haven't managed it...

You could have a wonderful calm week at home, or a shit week away anxious all the time.

But who is prioritising you ? Your DP is prioritising your bf over you, because you are sensible enough to not get into difficult situations and she does. Sorry but she may seem loyal but she sounds like an idiot, most people learn from these things not keep throwing themselves into it and expecting others to sort it out, she enjoys the attention.

In the 6 years we have all been socialising together, there have been 3 occasions my BFs new friends have become aggressive. Out of hundreds of outings. And quite a few more occasions when people have been told to back off, and did so without trouble. I was more worried about him fixing bits and bobs for her with masking tape than getting in fights or shagging her!!!

My mate can be an idiot but she's the most loyal person I know
I don't consider putting those around her in danger REPEATEDLY because of her actions, loyal. Neither do I consider the other ways she flirts and behaves with your OH the actions of a loyal friend. This is a very fcuked up threeway relationship you have here.

I'm sorry our replies have made you feel worse, but I hope they've opened your eyes a little to what is going on around you. This situation is not doing your mental health any good and the fact that you are stressed enough to post about this a week before your holiday, which should be something to be happy and excited about, says it all.

Talk to your OH and your friend, but I'm not sure what you expect it to achieve as nothing has changed for what seems to be like years in your posts.

Slight X post as I typed slowly - you seem to be now desperately minimising things, OP. If these things weren't of concern to you, you wouldn't have mentioned them or posted this thread, would you? You deserve better and need to put yourself first here.

We're just wired differently This is not an excuse for the fact that neither your DP or your friend are treating you with the kindness and respect you deserve.