IABU about holiday with DP & BF - talk me down!!

[anon97528996]

Apologies - long post

I am going on holiday this year with DP and my best friend this summer. I've been on antidepressants for just over 6 months and they affect me badly when it comes to alcohol, think 'too pissed to walk in a straight line' after one glass of wine. Drinking will feature heavily on this holiday. To cut to the chase, BF is a ridiculously flirtatious person. She doesn't mean it, but she receives endless declarations of love from the men she befriends as they misinterpret her overly familiar and touchy-feely manner. This does usually lead to some pretty funny stories but there have been several occasions where she's requested DP 'save' her from these men - this has resulted in physical fights. Overall she's fab, loads of fun and we've been friends since childhood.

Now I know IABU, but to be honest I'm a bit jealous of her friendship with DP. She is no different with him to other men, so she compliments him constantly, harmless in itself except I end up feeling there is nothing worth complimenting me on - especially when she praises specifically him for things/decisions we've made as a couple! It does get me down despite her being like this with all men, so although it clearly isn't meant to be flirting it obviously strokes DP's ego and he's always keen to help her out.

I'm going to feel vulnerable on holiday whether I drink or not. There have been a few occasions including nights out where I've felt very let down by both of them e.g. having panic attacks and not being able to find either of them as she's dragged him off somewhere for some kind of favour. Last time he had to 'save' her from a man she'd been flirting with, DP was nearly bottled in the face and I have started going back to counselling as a result as it was a horrible fight which gave me flashbacks.

I know IABU and they both love me more than anything, but I have repeated nightmares about dying horrible deaths while they ignore me and I'm in a very dark place mentally at the moment. How can I handle this without ruining everyone's holiday? WIBU to ask for boundaries and procedures to be discussed beforehand?

I agree with Ellisandra. It really isn't on to send out umpteen signals that you really fancy someone when it's not true. And it can be dangerous behaviour. Personally I've found some men don't need much to think one is encouraging them, especially when there is drink involved, but I learnt early on that I shouldn't involved any male friends in dealing with them, because that is when things get rough.

She does understand that flirting is generally considered a way of signalling to someone that you're sexually or romantically interested in them, yes?

I shouldn't involved any male friends in dealing with them, because that is when things get rough Unless of course you like having men fight over you.

If you must go on this holiday, consider making it the last one that involves your BF. Your posts suggest you believe she doesn't intend to cause trouble - I disagree. Why does she keep repeating the same behaviours over and over when they have always had similar consequences - causing problems for you? Either she lacks common sense and intelligence or she enjoys the drama and attention. She knows you have suffered anxiety, she's aware of the consequences of her actions for you, she shouldn't need you to set boundaries in place or have a word with her. Anyone with basic empathy and common sense would already know not to act the way she does. I'm sorry, to me she sounds very selfish and attention seeking. Are you sure she cares about you as much as you think? She has an odd way of showing it. Does she take you for granted, do you think? Seems as if she's used to you being the one who sorts everything out and just thinks you and your DP will clear up the mess she leaves behind. It's up to her to grow up and take responsibility for her actions, not for you to try to regulate her behaviour.

Op if she is such a good friend you ought to be able to say to her"I'm not in a good place right now and I can't get through this holiday without knowing dp will be available to support me." And you should certainly be able to say to dp "I really need you there for me on holiday, please don't get mixed up in df's flirtations and histrionics". Be clear and concise with them.

Sorry OP I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I just want you to a) realise that this isn't normal and b) to protect yourself. You have to take responsibility for your own mental health. It doesn't sound like this 'holiday' will do you any good so I really question why you're going

I've read the thread very carefully, OP and I'm still coming to the same conclusion: that your Bf is an attention whore and then when she doesn't follow through on situations she has caused, gets your dp to defend her. Is it not time for her to grow the fuck up?

I would be having very serious words with her and your DP-separately. You should be his priority, not her and her frankly pathetic scrapes she gets herself into.

Re being in a situation where violence might happen, been there, done that but never allow it to escalate and that's being in London, Paris, many big cities, because I don't lead people on then turn to my mates' boyfriends to defend my honour. It's ridiculous. Consider going on holiday with your DP and not your supposed mate in future.

Think I would distance myself from "friend" and issue an ultimatum to dp that he is to keep his distance too. If he doesnt want to do that I'd be reconsidering the relationship

You're basically in a ménage à trois. You may be fucking DP but bf in also your relationship. You really need to wise up to him prioritising her over you on nights out, and her complimenting him and 'forgetting' to compliment you. (That's called flirting btw).

One day you're going to wake up and they're together and you'll wonder why you didn't see it coming. But the red flags were always there.

Don't be a mug.

i think your friend needs therapy or counselling. Clearly a very insecure person.

I can understand the 'if it wasn't for this behaviour she would be a great friend' compartmentalisation but at some point, you will have to prioritise your own mental health by limiting your interactions with her in situations like these.

I really think your bf would probably prefer not be in these situations but it requires a united front of both of you telling her no, don't make this only his responsibility, that's not fair.

I am what you might call an alternative type, although middle aged now and lived through the punk and new wave era where all sorts of shit kicked off ...and this sounds like you are giving 'living an alternative lifestyle' as an excuse for putting up with the this intolerable situation.

Like many people in bad situations with unhealthy dynamics, you might find getting rid of those toxic people sorts out your anti depressant problem.

Successful chat with DP. He doesn't want any part of it but knows I would do anything for my friends and has been following my lead. He's noticed the compliments, and in his defence he doesn't thank her or even acknowledge them. He's said in future, he's going to deflect them towards me, he's wanted to but didn't want to come across as PA as they have fallen out before. It just breaks my heart, I do love my friend but it's so clear she isn't thinking of anyone but herself. All she can talk about is who wants to fuck her this week, how many male friends have declared their undying love and how pathetic are they for thinking they stood a chance. She never used to be like this but actually she's shown very little interest in my MH problems. DP will be sticking by my side on holiday. It feels so unnatural not to keep an eye on her when she's a walking disaster but actually I'm sick of our social life being a cycle of 1) BF dominates conversation and flirts with everyone 2) someone propositions BF so we have to leave 3) rest of the day is spent listening to BF gloat about how irresistible she must be.

Good grief. She has issues!! One of my closest friends is flirty and complimentary, but to anyone. Male or female, child or old person.

Your BF sounds like a bore. It's nothing to do with her being friendly to everyone at all, as you've just expanded about her true behaviour. You need to work on yourself though, because what you've just written about her is very different to what you've been insisting all along.

Good. Sounds like a good chat.

So your BF is indeed provoking these situations out of some misplaced need to have her worth validated by your DP having to rescue her from some bloke who has found her 'irresistible'? It sounds like your job is permanently to be in the supporting cast of her drama.

I'm guessing from what you've written that some kind of trauma has led to her acting out this way. But that doesn't mean your mental health has to take a back seat.

I still don't understand why you're going on a boozy holiday when you need to not drink - this feels nearly as tedious as having to deal with your BF.

Yes while sat down with DP I kind of realised the deliberateness of it all. Several of the men are his friends, lovely soft gentle people who fell for her under the impression she was enjoying spending time with them. Apparently they're extremely hurt and embarrassed, at least two (within the last 2 weeks) have spilled their hearts out about their feelings for her, only for her to spread around their social circle that they have a creepy crush on her. She's only been single 18 months and this behaviour seems to be accelerating. I have spoken to BF2 as well who has confessed she will no longer introduce male friends to BF1 as it ruins the original friendships. I had no idea. I just wanted to keep her safe, I never thought she would do things which could hurt us.

Friendships run their course, just like romantic pairings. It's just as painful when they end.

But this one is totally done. She's an absolute bastard.

Good on you for having a mature conversation with your DP OP! Hope the holiday is pleasant and relaxing for you now!

BF sounds horribly insecure tbh. No one in their right mind throws themselves at all and any men in the vicinity and then panics when one or more of them try to take her up on her flirtatious suggestions.
Why the hell should anyone put themselves in danger to 'save' her. She's a silly little drama queen who needs to grow the hell up. One day she's going to do her little flirtatious routine with some guy who will injure her or one of her friends and it's time she realised that and started behaving like less of an arse.

I think you and BF2 need to sit BF1 down and have a woman-to-woman chat about how her behaviour is ruining every night out you have and if she pulls that kind of shit on holiday then that's the last time you go away with her. Seriously, nice she may be, but she's a complete liability and its high time someone told her that.

She sounds like a sad case.

Cancel the holiday!

I think talking to your dp is enough for the moment, it doesn't sound like your friend would be in the mood to hear it if you question her behaviour. You don't want to add extra tension/drama to your holiday.

Try to limit your time together and obviously don't drink or drink ADs.

I don't think your dp is entirely blameless in this op and I think that if he can't stay out of the drama on this holiday then you will have to evaluate your relationship.

Honestly I agree with posting that you are minimising their behaviour, it is hurtful to you that should be enough for them to stop it.

*don't drink on ADs

I don't think your dp is entirely blameless in this op and I think that if he can't stay out of the drama on this holiday then you will have to evaluate your relationship.