Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

IABU about holiday with DP & BF - talk me down!!

143 replies

anon97528996 · 03/08/2017 12:00

Apologies - long post

I am going on holiday this year with DP and my best friend this summer. I've been on antidepressants for just over 6 months and they affect me badly when it comes to alcohol, think 'too pissed to walk in a straight line' after one glass of wine. Drinking will feature heavily on this holiday. To cut to the chase, BF is a ridiculously flirtatious person. She doesn't mean it, but she receives endless declarations of love from the men she befriends as they misinterpret her overly familiar and touchy-feely manner. This does usually lead to some pretty funny stories but there have been several occasions where she's requested DP 'save' her from these men - this has resulted in physical fights. Overall she's fab, loads of fun and we've been friends since childhood.

Now I know IABU, but to be honest I'm a bit jealous of her friendship with DP. She is no different with him to other men, so she compliments him constantly, harmless in itself except I end up feeling there is nothing worth complimenting me on - especially when she praises specifically him for things/decisions we've made as a couple! It does get me down despite her being like this with all men, so although it clearly isn't meant to be flirting it obviously strokes DP's ego and he's always keen to help her out.

I'm going to feel vulnerable on holiday whether I drink or not. There have been a few occasions including nights out where I've felt very let down by both of them e.g. having panic attacks and not being able to find either of them as she's dragged him off somewhere for some kind of favour. Last time he had to 'save' her from a man she'd been flirting with, DP was nearly bottled in the face and I have started going back to counselling as a result as it was a horrible fight which gave me flashbacks.

I know IABU and they both love me more than anything, but I have repeated nightmares about dying horrible deaths while they ignore me and I'm in a very dark place mentally at the moment. How can I handle this without ruining everyone's holiday? WIBU to ask for boundaries and procedures to be discussed beforehand?

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 03/08/2017 13:59

Oh bullshit does your boyfriend not like being put in front of aggressive people!

Why does he choose not to diffuse the situation by going over and saying "hey Lisa - Laura wants you for a minute..."

I'm sorry, but I absolutely do not believe he has been in multiple actual fights without fuelling them - and it is his choice to fuel not diffuse. He's getting a kick out of that - which wouldn't suit me in a boyfriend.

MaybeDoctor · 03/08/2017 14:01

Sorry, but she sounds like trouble with a capital T.

Don't go out with her in the evenings is the simplest solution, at home too.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 03/08/2017 14:01

Her behaviour gets her attention, which is what she wants especially from your DP.

MaybeDoctor · 03/08/2017 14:03

I think your DP needs to stop getting involved too.

KinkyAfro · 03/08/2017 14:04

Regardless of the above, are you sure drinking at all in this scenario is a good idea? You don't have to drink

Tofutti · 03/08/2017 14:05

They seem suspiciously close.

Disappearing together for ages and you not being able to find them?

There is potential for an affair here.

ShoesHaveSouls · 03/08/2017 14:15

Quite honestly OP, I wouldn't be going on holiday with dp and bf together. I'd be very unhappy with this dynamic between the 3 of you, and would feel it undermines your relationship. It sounds like a very unhealthy situation for you mentally.

If I were you, I'd be on holiday alone with DP and keeping bf at arm's length a bit more- arranging to see her without your DP.

If a friend of mine were to embroil my dh in a fight on a night out, I wouldn't be too happy about it.

Original poster
anon97528996 · 03/08/2017 14:17

DP has never hit anyone! He's asked them to leave her/us alone, summoned bouncers and organisers to remove men from venues and parties, stood between us and men who clearly are too drunk to know who or where they are, and is generally a peaceful chap. I have no doubt she wants his attention, he's bloody lovely and would never treat anyone the way some of her boyfriends have. She wants validation from nice people but probably isn't great at spotting them from a distance. She's known DP longer and introduced us, there's been zero funny business between them and they have fallen out before as he finds her a lot more full on/stressful to be around than I do.

OP posts:
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 03/08/2017 14:20

Ignore some posters Anon, you give them part of the story and by the time they've finished reading they've turned it into a novel.

Tell DP you aren't comfortable with him constantly being her knight in shining armour. She gets herself into these situations she gets herself out.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 03/08/2017 14:23

It is great you have found help for your mental health. It is highly recommended to, nay, you must follow the medication directions. This means no alcohol. Alcohol will make things worse for you and your intense dreams may indicate this. I know it is tough to give it up. My dh has been on ADs for years and I gave up alcohol with him.

Your "best friend". Well, Imho, you should reconsider this friendship. You think she doesn't realize the effect of her flirting. I beg to differ. The repetition of this behavior proves she knows exactly what she is doing.

I would not be surprised if your boyfriend was involved with her as well as you as suggested above. Going off to do favors for her? Getting in fights to "rescue" her? He must be getting something back for that to ever agree to go out in the same group as her ever again. Also, he could be arrested for fighting. Your best friend is a colossal train wreck waiting to happen and take your dp down with her.

Pink is right "Three is a crowd".

If you can't reorganize the holiday without your bf, then let this be the absolute last one with her (others there or not). Stick to your so like glue and do not let them have any time alone together. Their reaction to that may tell you all you need to know. Has your dp ever asked to go out without bf?

If you end up losing bf and dp, imho, you will be better off out of it. The dynamic of her actions (she chooses to do those things) and the resulting necessity of your dp feeling responsible for preventing her from being possibly raped (his choice also-but would be hard to ignore) are very stressful and traumatic circumstances. To witness the fights is also a traumatic experience. I would not be surprised if an element of your stress is related to PTSD.

Stop putting yourself and your dp through it. Try other date nights that do not involve bf or alcohol. Imho, you both will feel better for it. A boundary for the holiday? How about no alcohol?

JigglyTuff · 03/08/2017 14:33

Your friend sounds like a total bloody liability. Why are you going on holiday with someone who puts you all at risk?

Original poster
anon97528996 · 03/08/2017 14:34

Thanks all. I can see the "disappearing" has caused some confusion, she realised her phone had stopped working while I was in the loo and they'd gone outside to our other friends so she could make a call on his phone. I left the loo and was faced with a crowd, alone, which I struggle with. Once I found them it was clear what had happened and BF2 can corroborate!

OP posts:
Tofutti · 03/08/2017 14:44

In such a crowd, they should have waited for you. Why did he go with her instead of waiting for her?

Sorry to be doom and gloom but he needs to get that his priority if YOU!

MineKraftCheese · 03/08/2017 14:48

"DP was nearly bottled in the face and I have started going back to counselling as a result as it was a horrible fight which gave me flashbacks."

"DP has never hit anyone! He's asked them to leave her/us alone, summoned bouncers and organisers to remove men from venues and parties, stood between us and men who clearly are too drunk to know who or where they are, and is generally a peaceful chap."

I can't reconcile these two statements, OP.

I don't understand how DP was nearly bottled in the face when all he was doing was going up to BF, saying "let's go", then going.

RhubardGin · 03/08/2017 14:48

Hi OP,

Your friend sounds like an attention seeking nightmare. Why does nobody tell her that her actions could land people in trouble? and that she's a fucking pain in the arse

I can understand why her relationship with your DP makes you uncomfortable, it's all a bit suspect.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 03/08/2017 14:49

Are you very young OP?

Original poster
anon97528996 · 03/08/2017 14:50

He's just a very reactive person and if he's asked for help he tends to do it immediately without a second thought - can be stressful at times but it comes from a kind (and disorganised) place. He's dyspraxic and this is a prominent trait so I try not to give him a hard time - he legitimately can't consider all the factors. This all makes me quite sad about BF Sad we've been so close for so long, when we were teens we would chase off creepy men together! I'm not the same person now and it's hard to accept that maybe I can't cope without our friendship evolving when I clearly have.

OP posts:
mylittlepony6 · 03/08/2017 14:52

There is no way I would go on holiday with her OP. She sounds like a nightmare

Original poster
anon97528996 · 03/08/2017 14:54

I'm mid-late twenties, we all are. The bottle incident happened because he told a man who'd been following BF that we were leaving and he wasn't invited to come with us. The man, previously pretty calm, then lobbed a bottle at DPs head. A completely unrelated man who we hadn't even spoken to then tackled my male friend and we basically fled. It was horrible and frightening and not his fault.

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 03/08/2017 14:54

Have you considered that perhaps you are not compatible with the drinking bar scene anymore?
I understand not wanting to be the
"miserable sober friend" (

mylittlepony6 · 03/08/2017 14:54

We save our hard earned cash all year to go away and put up with that crap. Go somewhere romantic with your DP

MineKraftCheese · 03/08/2017 14:59

@anon97528996 I'm sorry that does sound horrendous SadFlowers

CJCreggsGoldfish · 03/08/2017 15:04

She sounds like a complete fucking nightmare. Does she get herself into these situations when your DP is not around, or does she do it so he'll 'save her' and she gets to feel all special?

I think you have to sit him down and explain that his behaviour is fuelling your 'friends' behaviour - basically she can act as irresponsibly as she wants because she knows that your DP will always step between her and the bottle being flung. Neither of them are thinking about you, and your friend is incredibly selfish and thinks about only herself.

On any big nights out, I'd suggest a quiet meal with your DP instead. If he continues to support your friend in her reckless behaviour and disregards your feelings I would be questioning the longevity of the relationship.

Katiekatie37 · 03/08/2017 15:05

Why would you go on a holiday where alcohol will feature heavily , when you say drink badly effects you? Then you need saving too ?! It's sounds a bit ridiculous and you're friend sounds an attention seeking idiot, and why on earth is your DP getting into physical fights over her?

notaslimceagirl · 03/08/2017 15:07

She sounds very immature.