IABU about holiday with DP & BF - talk me down!!

[anon97528996]

Apologies - long post

I am going on holiday this year with DP and my best friend this summer. I've been on antidepressants for just over 6 months and they affect me badly when it comes to alcohol, think 'too pissed to walk in a straight line' after one glass of wine. Drinking will feature heavily on this holiday. To cut to the chase, BF is a ridiculously flirtatious person. She doesn't mean it, but she receives endless declarations of love from the men she befriends as they misinterpret her overly familiar and touchy-feely manner. This does usually lead to some pretty funny stories but there have been several occasions where she's requested DP 'save' her from these men - this has resulted in physical fights. Overall she's fab, loads of fun and we've been friends since childhood.

Now I know IABU, but to be honest I'm a bit jealous of her friendship with DP. She is no different with him to other men, so she compliments him constantly, harmless in itself except I end up feeling there is nothing worth complimenting me on - especially when she praises specifically him for things/decisions we've made as a couple! It does get me down despite her being like this with all men, so although it clearly isn't meant to be flirting it obviously strokes DP's ego and he's always keen to help her out.

I'm going to feel vulnerable on holiday whether I drink or not. There have been a few occasions including nights out where I've felt very let down by both of them e.g. having panic attacks and not being able to find either of them as she's dragged him off somewhere for some kind of favour. Last time he had to 'save' her from a man she'd been flirting with, DP was nearly bottled in the face and I have started going back to counselling as a result as it was a horrible fight which gave me flashbacks.

I know IABU and they both love me more than anything, but I have repeated nightmares about dying horrible deaths while they ignore me and I'm in a very dark place mentally at the moment. How can I handle this without ruining everyone's holiday? WIBU to ask for boundaries and procedures to be discussed beforehand?

Ops meant to add I agree with this.

In your previous example, your DP should have waited for you to come out of the ladies rather than disappearing outside with your friend. Your other friends were already outside, why did she need him to escort her? Whereas you would come out of the loo and not know where the group was in a very busy, crowded environment.

That would have been normal, courteous behaviour for a partner - regardless of any MH issues.

Glad you've finally talked to your DP, it was the only grown up thing to do (although it doesn't really sound like he's fully accepted his responsibility for his actions - he didn't need to walk off and leave you in the toilet for example). Your friend clearly needs therapy but you can't give it to her. Suggest she gets some counselling to resolve her self-estimate problems and try to avoid getting involved in her drama this week. You don't need to drop her as a friend but not do you need to be active participants in her theatre productions.

*self-esteem #damnyouautocorrect

The only time I have witnessed that type of 'rescue' situation it was clearly the case (from the beginning of the evening) that the woman in question wanted a lot of attention and by the end of the evening one of the two men who had responded was stuck to her like a leech. She wanted to go home and was asking for help. All the other guests were standing around watching this and not knowing wtf to do. In the end I had to intervene (by engaging her in conversation and taking her off to another room for a 'girly chat') as I was the only sober woman there and it was clear that if any of the men had interfered he would have kicked off. It turned the evening really sour and caused several minor spin-off arguments. I thought pretty poorly of both of them, tbh.

Bearing in mind that this was a small private party in a flat and all of us were very polite, well brought-up, professional types, your friend is absolutely playing with fire to try this kind of stunt with a random man in the average busy bar or pub.

So glad you had a productive talk with your DP. And it is significant that BF's behaviour is problematic for others in the group as well. Do think carefully about what to do when away, because people like her are apt to get worse once it is clear they have been rumbled, rather than better.

Well done OP I'm glad your OP didn't want a part in the drama club. I'm not sure speaking to bf would even be worth it at the moment but she does need to know how her actions aren't just affecting her anymore. She sounds really really needy but this behaviour will only alienate her sooner or later.

... look after me just as I've looked after them before, because Im feeling very vulnerable and they don't always remember

Then tell them this....

That you're looking forward to this holiday, but based on previous incidents you're feeling anxious/worried about the difficult situations she gets herself into, then calls him to 'save' her, especially where one incident had him facing a bottle in his face.

Can she look at scaling back on her behaviour that leads to all these men misunderstanding her, or exit the situation on her own.

Back in the day I had unwanted advances and men who wanted to take things further. I would simply say something like "I'll be back in a minute, I'm going to the loo", or "I'm really tired, I need to find the friends I came with" or "Sorry, I'm not interested"

Sometimes the guys would say, "I thought you were tired and going home" when they saw me dancing later on, but that tells them that I wasn't interested.... Then they move on.

Why is your friend incapable of doing any of those things to save herself?

I think it's wuite simply because she loves the attention she gets from your boyfriend.

It's kind of like a "see how all these men want me and I need rescuing... I'm hot stuff"

If I ever put someone in danger (bottle incident), I'd be mortified... That my flirtation had led to this and I'd never call them to my rescue again if I hadn't learned my lesson and was incapable of not flirting.

Sorry ... Just seen your updates.

Your friend loves male validation. She clearly has her own insecurity issues.

Glad your boyfriend can see through her.

God the more you post about your BF the worse she sounds. You do realise a true friend would never put you and your DP's safety and mental wellbeing at risk like this, don't you? She's toxic. The good strong talk between you, your BF and BF2 sounds like a good idea, you cannot continue to protect her when she clearly does not care about anyone but herself. You deserve better than her, honestly xx

Im glad your dp is on your side. I guess he hasn't felt like hes had a choice but to look out for her, because she sounds like a loose cannon.

My DP can be lax about his own safety but only because he wants to help people, including me, we're just wired differently.

But wasn't the whole point of this thread about how you feel DP is nowhere to be found when you need help as he's always off fighting BF's battles and you're worried he won't be there to support you on holiday because of this or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

No tangled you're quite right - to be honest I'd appreciate a little more sensitivity from both of them. Now I've made myself clear to DP I trust he won't be running around after her, he showed me a load of texts she'd sent him when he was working near to her house asking for him to help with DIY or bring tools nearly every day! He'd completely ignored her (I did wonder why she'd started asking me to send him that week) and is very much of the opinion that this is his holiday too and he's tired of her bullshit. He also told me about the time he walked away when a mutual friend was showing them both pictures of a wedding DP and I had been guests at, apparently she was gushing over how smart DP looked in his (usual, work) suit she's seen 100 times before. Not a word about mutual friend, me, the bride or anyone else!

She's so loud and open it never occurred to me that she might not be squeaky clean, but I can't pretend I'm totally oblivious to a slight undercurrent of competitiveness - she openly fancied my boyfriend from teen years and her most recent ex tried to kiss me the same night they first got together. We are very close and I truly believe nothing would happen with DP, but she'd love it if she thought he fancied her.

Wow she is really sounding worse and worse! Texting your DH to come round on very dubious pretexts is bad. She may not be aiming to have actual affairs with anyone, but this is the kind of behaviour that can bring suspicion, stress and doubt into other peoples relationships - shes waving around the smell of "potential affair" to all and sundry out of cruelty simply to get her own feeling of power and control that she thinks she could have anyone "if only they were that lucky, the stupid male fools".

When she compliments your DH, ask him to try and always redirect it towards a compliment to you "oh you were so great at that event!" "thanks, but I couldnt have done it without Anon, she really is amazing, Im so lucky to have her!". Her reaction will tell you what she really feels about the situation, I suspect she will shut that conversation down pretty quickly when it stops being "me and DH, flirting".

Wow she is really sounding worse and worse!
This

I'm sure she must have her issues, but even people with issues are not entitled to walk all over everyone else's feelings. She sounds absolutely toxic.

It sounds as if she actively wants you to feel insecure about your relationship with DP. That she could 'take' him from you if she felt like it. Why would someone need to use a friend to boost their own ego in such a way?

She does sound like she has issues.

But those issues are for her to address when she realises she's losing friends.

One day if she doesn't be careful either a male rescuer will get badly hurt or she'll end up in danger herself.

Either way, I hope she seeks therapy of some sort.

Good luck with your holiday with DP. He sounds a little careless but has a good heart.

Your friend wants your DP to fancy her, it sounds like she sees him as a challenge. I'm sorry but I honestly feel she will end up hurting you, not because she wants to hurt you, she just sounds like she likes the thrill of the chase so much she forgets that people's feelings are involved. I'm glad the talk with your DP went well, just make sure you both keep well out of her dramas. You have made your feelings clear to your DP, hopefully he will respect them.