OK so I know I'm going to get abuse here... but I am in turmoil and searching for the right thing to do. Both for me, my wife, and my child. I'm in my early 30s and have been married for 5 years (in relationship for 10). We have a 4 yo boy, who I love with all my heart.
For a while now (maybe 2 years) I've felt unhappy and trapped in my marriage. For even longer than that there have been worrying warning signs that I perhaps hadn't married my life-long love, but I pushed these to the back of my mind as I thought happiness would follow once we'd built a home together and accumulated wealth, kids, etc. (I know I was stupid to ignore these impulses and only have self to blame)
We've done all that now (house, kid, etc) and I still feel the same - actually worse. We have an almost sexless marriage (max 10 times a year - and we're both young), which has actually been the case since before we had our child. We have very little in common other than raising our boy, and I feel bored in her company. I find that I've completely disengaged from the relationship and that we are friends/roommates rather than lovers. I have explained my concerns at the lack of intimacy on numerous occasions throughout the years... usually met with a response that my expectations are unrealistic. Things might improve for a few weeks after each conversation but then quickly revert back.
I've had nagging doubts for a long time (probably forever really) whether me and my wife are truly compatible, but on paper she's great (beautiful, kind, ambitious, honest, great mum) and we make a fantastic team in building a home/family. The problem is that I don't think I love her. I care about her, but I feel nothing when she says "I love you", and I don't look forward to spending time with her. We get on OK as friends, but there is no spark there.
Here is where the abuse comes... I met someone else a couple of months ago, and she made me feel alive again. I felt emotions I forgot existed. I didn't sleep with her but carried on a bit of an emotional affair for a couple weeks. I know that lust is fleeting and these initial feelings ALWAYS die away eventually. I'm not kidding myself that this new woman is my soulmate or that we'd have a future together. I took the decision to cut off all contact with this person because I knew having a third party involved would complicate things in my mind, and also cause huge pain if I had a full-blown affair.
What this experience did tell me though is that there is life outside my marriage and I feel like I'm settling for a so-so, passionless marriage with someone I don't love. I don't want to live a lie for the rest of my life.
About a week ago I told my wife how I felt. That I didn't lover her any more, and that I was considering whether we should separate. I also told her about me meeting this other woman and how she made me feel. I thought my wife deserved to know, even though she's not in the picture anymore. She is of course devastated by all this and, apart from the intimacy issues we'd been having, is a bit shocked. She says she still loves me.
I know that the right thing to do is to work on my marriage. I just don't have the heart or energy to put into it. If I don't love my wife anymore is it fairer on everyone that I leave and let us both meet people who make us happy? My fear is that we stay together for our child and financial stability, and then end up splitting up when they hit 18... only for us to have our youth pass us by without the chance to find happiness with someone else. It goes without saying that I would of course continue to be a good and supportive father whatever happens.
Thoughts? Advice? I know that people will jump on the other woman stuff... but please believe me when I say I don't have any intention of pursuing anything with her. If I left, I'd want to be by myself for a bit first before getting into anything else.