Should I leave my wife?

[Maninturmoil]

OK so I know I'm going to get abuse here... but I am in turmoil and searching for the right thing to do. Both for me, my wife, and my child. I'm in my early 30s and have been married for 5 years (in relationship for 10). We have a 4 yo boy, who I love with all my heart.

For a while now (maybe 2 years) I've felt unhappy and trapped in my marriage. For even longer than that there have been worrying warning signs that I perhaps hadn't married my life-long love, but I pushed these to the back of my mind as I thought happiness would follow once we'd built a home together and accumulated wealth, kids, etc. (I know I was stupid to ignore these impulses and only have self to blame)

We've done all that now (house, kid, etc) and I still feel the same - actually worse. We have an almost sexless marriage (max 10 times a year - and we're both young), which has actually been the case since before we had our child. We have very little in common other than raising our boy, and I feel bored in her company. I find that I've completely disengaged from the relationship and that we are friends/roommates rather than lovers. I have explained my concerns at the lack of intimacy on numerous occasions throughout the years... usually met with a response that my expectations are unrealistic. Things might improve for a few weeks after each conversation but then quickly revert back.

I've had nagging doubts for a long time (probably forever really) whether me and my wife are truly compatible, but on paper she's great (beautiful, kind, ambitious, honest, great mum) and we make a fantastic team in building a home/family. The problem is that I don't think I love her. I care about her, but I feel nothing when she says "I love you", and I don't look forward to spending time with her. We get on OK as friends, but there is no spark there.

Here is where the abuse comes... I met someone else a couple of months ago, and she made me feel alive again. I felt emotions I forgot existed. I didn't sleep with her but carried on a bit of an emotional affair for a couple weeks. I know that lust is fleeting and these initial feelings ALWAYS die away eventually. I'm not kidding myself that this new woman is my soulmate or that we'd have a future together. I took the decision to cut off all contact with this person because I knew having a third party involved would complicate things in my mind, and also cause huge pain if I had a full-blown affair.

What this experience did tell me though is that there is life outside my marriage and I feel like I'm settling for a so-so, passionless marriage with someone I don't love. I don't want to live a lie for the rest of my life.

About a week ago I told my wife how I felt. That I didn't lover her any more, and that I was considering whether we should separate. I also told her about me meeting this other woman and how she made me feel. I thought my wife deserved to know, even though she's not in the picture anymore. She is of course devastated by all this and, apart from the intimacy issues we'd been having, is a bit shocked. She says she still loves me.

I know that the right thing to do is to work on my marriage. I just don't have the heart or energy to put into it. If I don't love my wife anymore is it fairer on everyone that I leave and let us both meet people who make us happy? My fear is that we stay together for our child and financial stability, and then end up splitting up when they hit 18... only for us to have our youth pass us by without the chance to find happiness with someone else. It goes without saying that I would of course continue to be a good and supportive father whatever happens.

Thoughts? Advice? I know that people will jump on the other woman stuff... but please believe me when I say I don't have any intention of pursuing anything with her. If I left, I'd want to be by myself for a bit first before getting into anything else.

I have felt like you do about my dh, op. At the moment, now are dcs are a bit older we are having a lovely time together. I get that rush of love again. He has treated me a lot more respectfully over the last couple of years & stepped up his parenting role & responsibilty for our house, which he did seem to think was my job when on mat leave (ie the hardest times of my life). I fancy him a lot more now that he sees me as person again. Does your dw take you for granted? Can you share out earning/caring responsibilties more equally between you? Every aspect of life has an impact on another, so it would be a mistake to only look at the romantic part.

I think you would know for sure if it was 100% the right decision.

If you're wavering, I think you need to explore why and how you're in this position.

You got together at 21.
Life changes so much and you grow up so much after 21 - especially as a man (frontal lobe forming later, blah blah blah)
It's hard.
It's gonna be hard.
You are going to get a lot of flack from family and friends.
But this is YOUR life.
You get one shot at it.
Get out there and find yourself.
You've probably not done that as yet.
Spend some time on your own.
Learn about yourself. What hobbies you enjoy etc./..
Try different things.
Then once you know a bit more about you, you can find someone who you are compatible with and have a better future.

This could have been written by my husband. It's exactly what happened to us. Only, he wasn't honest about the other woman bit and is still lying. It is painful to hear the truth from your partner, especially if you love them still and they don't love you, but your wife will appreciate that honesty in time.

Yes, shit happens: you meet people, fall in and out of love. I accept that. But you have to be honest. You have been and personally I respect that (and would have respected my husband for it too) and your wife will in the end. Life is short and if you don't feel the same way, you have to change it.

18 months on, I'm actually glad my XH did it. Imagine finding out that you someone had stayed with you for 18 years only to leave you when your youth had gone.

You can still co-parent and be a great team. My advice is to continue to be decent as it seems you are. Continue to provide financially and emotionally for your children and work at your relationship with them over that of a new woman (something my XH didn't do).

I wish you all the best, OP.

I left and don't regret it at all. It was a hard decision and I did have pangs of regret but more that it had turned out the way it had than wishing we were still together. I still remember the happy times fondly and feel sad that we will never have that again but they all relate to family time rather than any time we spent alone together. I am really happy now and so are our children, even if I don't meet anybody else it will still be the right decision.
I read a book called too bad to stay, too good to leave that helped me sort my feelings out a bit. Self help books are not usually my thing at all but I was so confused at the time that it did actually help.
With hindsight I had known in my heart for a very long time that the relationship was dead. It just took a while for my head to catch up.

Better to leave now and give you both a chance at happiness and maintain a good friendship with her, rather than string her along and end up having more affairs and let hate and bitterness become the main emotions.

The big question is, do you think the relationship can be saved? If your partner did x, y, z and you also changed some things on your part, could that put the spark back? If not, you have your answer (but if my husband was in your shoes, I'd like to think he'd at least give couples counselling a try before he gave up on us, for the sake of our children at least).

The only criticism you've made of her in your OP is the lack of sex. Have you tackled this before? Is it something you could work on and if things improved, would it make you feel differently about leaving?

I think if you've tried everything you can you'll feel much less guilt about divorcing (my divorced parents have both expressed regret at not trying to fix things before they separated).

I think that it's worth trying to get the spark back. Start having fun together, find a hobby or sport you can do together and see if that leads to a renewed interest in each other and seeing each other as more than a parent. If conversations etc is renewed and you're enjoying spending time with each other then book some time away, just the two of you.

Give it all you've got and if that doesn't work then split. But at least you'll have tried. It's a lot less effort than the hassle of splitting, moving house, shared childcare etc.

Don't forget that it's very easy to have spark with someone who is new, whose little habits don't irritate you because you don't have to live with them. No nagging or getting annoyed with each other as don't live together. Not been together for long so have more new and exciting things to talk about. Altogether different when you live with each other or have been with each other a long time.

cowbag1 - I think that we could possibly improve the sex life, at least initially if we both made the effort. I have doubts whether this will last because I think we both have fundamentally different drives in this space, and also attach different levels of importance to it (she could quite happily have sex very rarely). It's been an issue for us since we were in our mid-20s, which doesn't bode well I don't think.

Even if we could recapture the sex life, the more important thing for me would be having that feeling of looking forward to be with someone and spend time with someone, wanting to share your day with them, hear about theirs, etc. I know that life and routine can get stale, but can I ask if those happily married out there still look forward to seeing their spouse at the end of the day and having a chat (at least most days)? Do you miss them if they've been away for a few days?

You sound very much like my ex - I know how it feels for your partner to be bored of you & have no interest in you & not want to spend time with you - it's soul destroying - do her a favour & leave her.

Also my sex drive has increased dramatically now I'm with someone who treats me well!

Man- I can empathise because I am in the same position without the complication of another person.

I have been with my wife for 18 years (one child) and to he honest for me we have nothing in common. Totally different interests and personalities. She adores me and would be devastated if I left her. I love her but truth be told, I am not in love with her any more and I do not miss her if we are apart and not fussed either way about hearing about what she is doing etc. Our sex life is poor too but to he honest I don't fancy her that much now anyway due to the disconnection over the years. I have talked about splitting with her so she can find someone who she is more compatible with and who can meet her needs but she was absolutely distraught. I can't begin to tell you how much it upset her just talking about it. It broke my heart to see her like that and here we are a year later, still the same but to her that's enough.

It's a difficult situation and one that many people face. Only the brave ones do something about it.

Yes, DH and I have been together for 13 years and have two dc under 3 but I still look forward to seeing him every day and miss him when we're apart. I'd like to think the feeling is mutual. Our sex life has had it's ups and downs but we are best friends first and foremost so that has helped carry us through the less physically intimate times.

It sounds to me like you have already checked out of your marriage. It's a shame you couldn't have spoken to your wife about your feelings sooner as it's a little unfair to spring this on her when you're so far gone with your feelings that it seems the relationship may be beyond saving. That's what other pp mean when they talk about working on your marriage. You can't just leave it to get stale because, as you're now realising, you will pass a point of no return where separation becomes the only option.

I left a ten year relationship because I felt the right feelings were no longer there and the thought of spending my life as we were was awful. I never regretted it. We split amicably although of course there's a sense of grief for what would have been

However: I did not and would never have had an affair, emotional or not. I think a lot of your post sounds like preamble to justify having 'your head turned ' (did she physically turn your head? No she didnt, yet you use a turn of phrase which implies this was done to you rather than something you did yourself?) but anyway...

The grass is greener where you water it

Think very carefully. Are you craving excitement, more sex etc? Because maybe that will last with a new partner and maybe it won't. The hard work of emotional load that comes with a family is still predominantly bourne by women. So in five years maybe you'll be bored again? I think a lot of men go through this stage, find their heads turned (all these women out there forcibly turning these poor men's heads!) and then realise that a few years down the line the lady in question is sick of scrubbing their pants.

Regarding sex, Do you do your share of the housework without being asked? Do you do your share of the emotional load (remembering birthdays, dentists, appointment) or does your wife do that? I ask because one thing that's utterly unsexy is feeling like you're a combined skivvy and mother to an extra child in the household. Maybe that's why she doesn't feel like sex? Just a thought... and don't pester. Nothing worse.

But yes, if a relationship has run its course, then it may be best to leave. If you do, please dont be an arse about child maintenance or the split. So many men start off saying they will play fair then drag their poor kids through hell. Don't do that.

If I was your wife, you'd be in a hotel by now, by the way. I'd have saved you all this existential angst.

Yes, I love my husband. We have our ups and downs. Often we are shattered, often life is a bit routine (small kids, demanding jobs..) life is too short to be unhappy, but please don't place the blame for this on your wife not shagging you enough or these terribly forcible head turning ladies. Be brace enough to say I've changed, it's over and I'm out, and I will treat you with respect when we divorce.

I think it's very easy for people to say 'oh well we have different drives' and think that's that.

Are you sure that's actually the issue? A common mistake many men make (thinking PIV is the be all and end all when it comes to sex and sex is the be all and end all of intimacy) is often compounded by a common mistake women make (accepting unsatisfactory sex so as not to injure the ego of their male partner and accepting sex as the only offer of intimacy).

What this results in is no sex and no intimacy and then no love.

It's essentially crap communication.

If all a man is offering in terms of intimacy is sex then the woman becomes even less keen to injure the man's ego by talking about how unsatisfactory the sex is for her, eventually the sex just falls by the wayside because it becomes one more chore, at which point the man leaves because he's put all the intimacy eggs in the one basket of PIV sex and it isn't happening anymore.

Yes I agree offred

A combination of that and exhaustion from doing all the childcare, housework, drudgework and general skivvying. It's a big ask to instantly switch from cleaning the fridge to sex goddess. And Too many men are frankly another child to take care of and that's as unsexy as it gets.

Intimacy is about so much more than PIV.

Especially when you hear that in the beginning all was fine - what's changed? Is one partner acting as a default parent to the other? Are the intimacy needs of BOTH being met? If the wife isn't wanting sex, surely the conclusion is that perhaps she doesn't feel sexy. Or want the kind of sex that's on offer.
But I suppose no one wants to face the fact they're not fulfilling their partners needs...

Please let your wife in on all this. The absolute worst thing is to be presented with a fait accompli on YOUR marriage / family. Give her the chance to work with you on what may or may not be done before decisions are made. I agree that we have unrealistic expectations of what being 'in love' looks like after many years and i do think that every possible avenue should be explored before giving up. My kids were 3 and 5 when their dad left for ow in our case but claimed to have been unhappy for ages. The absolute worst bit was feeling that i had been given no chance, no say in things, just presented with the end result that in my case includes being left with the kids 13/14 days. There is way too much about being 'entitled' to be happy (whatever that means) and not enough about what those around you are entitled to..honesty, openess and a fair consideration for their future happiness too.

Work hard at saving your marriage - give it everything, for a period of time. Then you'll be able to live with yourself better if you do leave her and your dc. It's the least they deserve.

Angrybird I'm in the exact same boat as you

I would say after 23 years and three kids under 10, I still look forward to seeing dp at the end of each day, and I know it's reciprocated. We always message throughout the day too. Although since dc3 was born last year we've been going through a particularly good patch, like the beginning only better, I would have missed him greatly even during the worst stages of the relationship.

After such a long time together I know if we no longer looked forward to seeing each other or no longer had an interest in each other's lives it would be the end.

walking thank you for the flowers. If it helps though, we are two years on and the only anger I have left is on behalf of my kids because they have to miss me or daddy and have to share one parent most of the time. I'm well shot and he and ow are welcome to each other. PM me if you like x

I'd say leave, but make sure you leave as kindly as possible. Don't give your wife a list of her faults (not putting out often enough, not putting out often enough, boring you, making you feel like she pressured you into marrying her by wanting it so much...)
Be fair and reasonable about the division of assets and how much contact you will have with DC.
Sometimes counselling via Relate is a good way of ending a relationship in a fair and amicable manner.

Also: don't blame yourself too much. It's perfectly reasonable and understandable that couples grow apart if they got together young, because people do change quite a lot in their mid-20s and even afterwards.
(There will now be a lot of posters insisting that they and their spouse never wanted anyone but each other since they met in primary school. Yes, this does happen, but far more of those who marry young, particularly if neither of them ever dated anyone else, split up fairly soon after the wedding. If you meet your life partner when you are both young and stay together happily for decades, you are lucky. It just so happens that the two of you changed at the same rate, in the same direction. You are not 'better' than other people.)

Families come in all shapes and sizes, and as long as both parents of any child make sure they consider the child's best interests, all sorts of set ups can work just fine.

Manin in answer to your question of 11.08. We have been married 15 years. On the days that our rotas allow we have coffee together and sit and chat every evening at the same table over a beer or a glass of wine and talk and talk and talk, about anything and everything. I treasure those times above anything else that can happen to me and DH feels the same I think. If we have to go out he always says, "Ahh we will miss coffee time".

I look forward to seeing him and chatting with him every day and we always try and make every weekend special, be it a nice bottle of something or some chocolates or a new scented candle. We are dopey about each other and we have felt like that since we got together. I can't imagine not spending time together every day and look forward to it immensely.
I felt like you do about my exDP. I felt lonely in the same room as him. He eventually went off with OW. Fair enough. I had no connection with him unless I was doing exactly as he wanted. I knew it was over long before that though and I should have made the move myself. I had my DDad poorly though and didn't have the brain space :( If you don't feel it, you don't feel it. so long as you know this isn't just a phase. Talk to her. Be kind and civil and fair in sharing stuff out and move on. You are preventing her from moving on too so you need to take her into consideration.

Whoreofbabyliss - How long is a phase? I don't think it is... been suppressing my doubts and issues for a long while. BUT, it's only really the past month where I've brought them to the fore, spoken about them and hardened my views.

I don't think I've ever really had the type of relationship you describe with your DH. At least we haven't been like that for a long enough time that I can't remember. It's not like spending time with her is awful - it's perfectly OK and we do get on. It's just "meh" and boring, and I don't miss it if we've had a busy week and not seen each other etc. That sounds really awful I know. Poor conversation is a two way street and so I'm not blaming her... I just don't think our personalities and interests align enough.