Should I leave my wife?

[Maninturmoil]

OK so I know I'm going to get abuse here... but I am in turmoil and searching for the right thing to do. Both for me, my wife, and my child. I'm in my early 30s and have been married for 5 years (in relationship for 10). We have a 4 yo boy, who I love with all my heart.

For a while now (maybe 2 years) I've felt unhappy and trapped in my marriage. For even longer than that there have been worrying warning signs that I perhaps hadn't married my life-long love, but I pushed these to the back of my mind as I thought happiness would follow once we'd built a home together and accumulated wealth, kids, etc. (I know I was stupid to ignore these impulses and only have self to blame)

We've done all that now (house, kid, etc) and I still feel the same - actually worse. We have an almost sexless marriage (max 10 times a year - and we're both young), which has actually been the case since before we had our child. We have very little in common other than raising our boy, and I feel bored in her company. I find that I've completely disengaged from the relationship and that we are friends/roommates rather than lovers. I have explained my concerns at the lack of intimacy on numerous occasions throughout the years... usually met with a response that my expectations are unrealistic. Things might improve for a few weeks after each conversation but then quickly revert back.

I've had nagging doubts for a long time (probably forever really) whether me and my wife are truly compatible, but on paper she's great (beautiful, kind, ambitious, honest, great mum) and we make a fantastic team in building a home/family. The problem is that I don't think I love her. I care about her, but I feel nothing when she says "I love you", and I don't look forward to spending time with her. We get on OK as friends, but there is no spark there.

Here is where the abuse comes... I met someone else a couple of months ago, and she made me feel alive again. I felt emotions I forgot existed. I didn't sleep with her but carried on a bit of an emotional affair for a couple weeks. I know that lust is fleeting and these initial feelings ALWAYS die away eventually. I'm not kidding myself that this new woman is my soulmate or that we'd have a future together. I took the decision to cut off all contact with this person because I knew having a third party involved would complicate things in my mind, and also cause huge pain if I had a full-blown affair.

What this experience did tell me though is that there is life outside my marriage and I feel like I'm settling for a so-so, passionless marriage with someone I don't love. I don't want to live a lie for the rest of my life.

About a week ago I told my wife how I felt. That I didn't lover her any more, and that I was considering whether we should separate. I also told her about me meeting this other woman and how she made me feel. I thought my wife deserved to know, even though she's not in the picture anymore. She is of course devastated by all this and, apart from the intimacy issues we'd been having, is a bit shocked. She says she still loves me.

I know that the right thing to do is to work on my marriage. I just don't have the heart or energy to put into it. If I don't love my wife anymore is it fairer on everyone that I leave and let us both meet people who make us happy? My fear is that we stay together for our child and financial stability, and then end up splitting up when they hit 18... only for us to have our youth pass us by without the chance to find happiness with someone else. It goes without saying that I would of course continue to be a good and supportive father whatever happens.

Thoughts? Advice? I know that people will jump on the other woman stuff... but please believe me when I say I don't have any intention of pursuing anything with her. If I left, I'd want to be by myself for a bit first before getting into anything else.

Offred - when your xp told you he didn't love you and left, what happened next? Was he happy, or regret it? Same question for when you told your H.

I do agree that if I don't love her I need to leave, and I can't drag it out. You're right that she wants to fix it. The things that stop me leaving right now and stack up on the "opposite side of the balance scale" are:

1. Lots of people have been telling me that I maybe have unrealistic expectations of love, or that you can fall back in love again if you try

1. The enormity of the decision and all the implications

1. A worry as to whether my mind has been too clouded by meeting someone else. I've purposefully cut that option out of my life, but it's still fresh and must be playing a part in my subconscious. I see it as a significant indicator in the way I feel about my current relationship. Maybe I'm overplaying it?

1. The speed of how things have progressed. I have been having nagging doubts about our relationship for a while but always suppressed them and was in general plodding along OK in life. I wasn't desperately unhappy or anything. I did however know something was missing in my marriage. Meeting someone else (and my willingness to engage with them etc.) made me reflect long and hard on all the doubts I had suppressed to this point. In the space of a month or so I've come on a long way in my thinking, and so one part of me is really fearful that once I've had more reflection time (on my own away from my family) I might regret a decision to leave.

Thoughts? Are these natural fears and considerations? If you really love someone deep down I'm assuming you'd know and even saying the words "I don't love you anymore" would feel wrong coming out of your mouth? Has anyone ever had experience of "coming back" from the position I'm in?

I think these are natural and sensible considerations.

To me Love(the real thing) is an action ...that being

The fact that you are deliberating so much over weather to leave the family. That tells me your story together isnt quite done. There is still a bond there.

The fact also is you had your head turned and it feels great..for now. You have ended your EA and tried to put the distance between you.

The fact that saying i don't love you anymore doesn't feel quite right with you saying it. If you really didn't love your wife you would pack a bag and go as you would no longer care about her feelings only your own.

I feel you have lost your way and your mind has been clouded with thoughts of the OW. She isn't real in the way you think,she isn't your soulmate or your happy ever after...maybe thats your wife and family with them you will have peace of mind at night before you close your eyes. You won't have that living with OW as you would have put her before your wife and child and in time it will eat you up.

Thats not the basis of a happy healthy relationship, it won't last.

My Husband did this to me 19 months ago and we are still devastated over the fall out of his actions its truly horrible, his last words to me via email about 12 months after he left are " i made this happen, and the guilt is killing me but its something i have to learn to deal and live with"

He lives alone in a 1 bedroom rented flat.

I live with my children and soon to be puppy in a brand new house with total peace of mind that i have not caused anyone hurt or hardship.

I got the better deal in the end..but i would trade it all to have my family complete again and grow old with a man that up until he had his head turned was a good man.

I think your question about regrets are your subconscious thoughts telling you that if you jump ship it will be the wrong thing for everyone..yourself included.

Take care i wish you well.

Absolutely, love is an action.

What you DO is what counts, otherwise love is just a word.

Nobody here can tell you what to do.

The excitement and lust and sheer newness of a new relationship (and that is what you experienced during your 2 week emotional affair) is lust, the absence of Real Life and its stresses and boring bits.

I don't think that anybody should stay in a relationship in which they are unhappy, but I am unclear from your posts whether you are unhappy or just bored/looking for the flush of Mad-Deep-First-Love that is not sustainable in any relationship IMO.

You are getting brownie points from me for having had the guts to tell your wife what's going on. She now has the option to decide whether she wants to leave you.

I hope you find a good way forward.

I got the impression that the words "I don't love you" didn't feel bad coming out of his mouth
Which says a lot

'Being IN love' and 'loving' are quite different things.
One may lead to the other, or not, or fizzle out.

Marriage is a working partnership IMO and the fashion for putting so much emphasis on sexual attraction or romantic feelings has relative devalued the benefits of 2 people supporting each other and their family. It is a relatively new trend that people (even in the European West) marry for love rather than politics or because they are compatible.

Yes, my point was that I am able to say the words "I don't think I love you anymore", and although it hurts to see someone I care about upset, the words themselves don't feel wrong to me.

user1470296287 - the scenario you describe (husband's regret) is my nightmare scenario. And yes I think I might be the type of person who would struggle to move on from the guilt of what I did. Even if I thought deep down it was right. Although I don't agree that if I didn't love my wife I'd already be out the door and I wouldn't care at all about her feelings. I do care for her still, and I don't like seeing her hurt. So I wouldn't just callously pack my bags and leave.

I'd also add that although OW has no doubt clouded thoughts in some ways, I still have felt a bit trapped in a marriage that has little chemistry. And this was the case before OW. I also don't think people can willingly cheat (like I did) if they truly love and respect their partner.

Your story is scarily similar to mine except I am the wife who was left with the 4 year old. He also stayed in the house for 6 months after the bombshell and it gave me false hope that we could work things out. He then confessed about the OW and left to live with her. It is truly heartbreaking because of the lying and sneaking around but more so because he never even tried to save our marriage by trying counselling. Our marriage meant so little to him that he never gave me or our child a second thought and selfishly put himself first. He wanted to make himself happy and now I'm left to pick up the pieces and answer questions from our child and believe me there will be questions. All I know is that when she is older I can look her in the eye and tell her I tried absolutely everything to keep our family together. It's easy to say 'I'll still be there as her dad' but he broke up our family because he thinks the grass is greener on the other side. As a parent do we not owe it to our children to try absolutely everything before crushing so many lives?

Sorry for my slight ranting - as you can probably tell, this is still quite raw for me.

Beingmeagain - sorry to hear about that. I certainly don't have any intention of staying and at the same time carrying anything on with OW. So if I did leave it would be to be by myself....

I don't know if you read my earlier post? It describes how things worked out for me. I lived in the equivalent of the one bed flat for years as a single (no kids at that point in my life)
Like you I had my head turned. I didn't have an affair but it was the catalyst for me leaving. However I was utterly miserable before this happened. Maybe some looking in from the outside would have said I should have worked at it? Only you know how unhappy you were before. If you do go though you don't know which way things will go. However I absolutely did the right thing. My ex settled with someone who makes him very happy. He deserved that.

Donajimena - thanks for your story. I think perhaps the difference here isn't that I wasn't utterly miserable. Just fairly unhappy at times and feeling trapped in general. I just know that my wife loves me more than I love her and that I feel there is something missing. Unless we manage to find that chemistry and connection I fear that once our DS grows up we'll be one of those couples that has nothing else left and ends up splitting. So should I do what's best for both of us now and allow us both to find someone else whilst still younger. And also having a child does make it that much harder to leave I think. If we didn't have him I think that would make my decision more straight forward.

Of course having children makes it really hard! However if you read the post you have just written I think you know what you need to do.
I wish you (both ) all the luck in the world.

I wouldn't say having children makes it hard, I'd say having children makes it a completely different scenario. Rather than straightforwardly detaching from a person, you're ending a family creating repercussions for several generations.

OP do you ever see your dw in situations where she's excited, full of life, or showing the same qualities that made you fall in love with her? Because domesticity can really grind us down. She's most likely the same person underneath.

My dh, who recently broke up our family, gives the impression he was essentially bored, and has said it wouldn't matter who he was with, he'd have done the same thing.

Makes me feel our modern family units are an unnatural and often unsustainable way of living.

Walkingtowork - an interesting point. I think I can definitely identify with your husband's perspective. I feel bored in the relationship though rather than family life itself (although hard to separate the two). It's obviously a very selfish outlook though and I wouldn't leave just because I've got a few more years of family life "boredom" ahead. My main concern is that if you were to magically fast-forward us to a space where DS has grown up and left home, I still don't think I'd be overly fussed about the relationship and spending time together... Or maybe I've been blinded by years of family life grind and in reality we'd rediscover ourselves!? All I know is that we've been lucky enough to have whole weeks together without our child (thanks to grandparents), where we've gone on holiday together and it still didn't revive the spark if I'm honest.

Is your DH happy now, out of interest?? Or did he realise his life was still boring anyway but now with a whole host of other issues?

I still don't see much real consideration for your wife and child in all this endless navel gazing about your poor tormented feelings.

You told her you don't love her and you don't want to stay. So leave.

I'm assuming you're now doing all your own cooking, cleaning, laundry and skivvying? Or is your wife still doing all that for you?

Leave. Do it with decency. Let her find someone who does love her and your son and who can give her the happiness she deserves. Be decent to her, don't mess her around.

You go and find someone who does make you happy. What's all this rumination achieving? Nothing. You're using it as a way to salve your feelings and rationalise your choice and make you feel less guilty. But you should feel guilty, you've likely hurt her and your child enormously. Take that on board, and do the right thing and leave. you don't get to not feel guilty as well - you do get to leave and start a new life. And so does she.

This thread is achieving nothing other than you attempting to rationalise your choice. No one should stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy, but stop messing your wife around.

I left my XW a few years ago. It's an incredibly hard decision to make, but once you've made the mental switch actually doing it is easier than making the decision is.

The void leaving creates is much bigger than I expected, and I've become very isolated. That's bad for my mental health, even I can see that now.

I strongly recommend trying to keep in touch with friends, and seeing DCs as often as you can. If you can stay amicable with your X (without sacrificing your "self" to do so) that will help, and sometimes that means biting your tongue.

I don't regret leaving, but I still miss the way we were and wish we could have found a compromise that enabled both of us to be happy (we were both unhappy). I still care about her and wish her well, but some days that's hard.

Leaving won't be easy, not a magic path to instant happiness, but it may be the best path available to you (only you can judge that)

My DH had a nervous breakdown immediately after ending our relationship. In fact, I think it was just the first symptom of the breakdown. It had been building up a very long time, as he had deep unresolved issues from his past. I knew they were there, but I always expected that we'd work through them together when he was ready.

He said he was bored/something was wrong between us, but the way I experienced it was he withdrew more and more into himself over the years. So I started going out more, which just expanded the distance between us. Also, and perhaps due to his childhood issues, I 'grew up' more than him in the two decades we were together, which again increased the distance.

Another part of it was, I believe, that he didn't feel comfortable being truly 'known' and that's why he backed off. He has low self-esteem, and a tendency to be self-destructive. I almost think life was getting a bit too comfortable, after years of us struggling with one thing and another, and that didn't sit right with him.

You might have none of these issues at all! But maybe a few sessions with a counsellor could help you check what's really driving you. I commend you for thinking hard about this decision (so many people don't).

Brava, Anatidae, brava.

He told me he didn't love me, I told him he wasn't going to stay living with me and the baby if that was the case and he would have to go (he had already hardly ever been there anyway, he was meant to live there but would go awol regularly), he physically attacked me, took my son out of my arms and barricaded himself in the front room. I called the police. The police made him leave.

I didn't see him for about a year.

He is married now.

I think you have things topsy turvy TBH.

It's not the end result of the choices we make that leads to happiness, since we can never truly know them. It's understanding that life is a. Difficult, b. Unpredictable, c. Full of choices and that it isn't the actual choice that really matters, it's taking responsibility for the choices we make that will likely give us a better chance at happiness as it provides us with a sense of security and control.

(Taking responsibility for your choices here is leaving while you work out your confusion BTW, so as not to give false hope)

Op

Just leave. She isn't what you want and to the posters saying you haven't tried hard enough I disagree - you've been together a good while and it's time to get out.

From opinion on here once you leave its not going to be so plain sailing. So accept that.

From what you have said you know in your heart you aren't happy and why keep dragging it out.

Aome posters are projecting onto you after they were left and I don't really think that's useful! Of course you know she will be hurting. And posters saying they did everything to keep their relationship together - why? That sounds desperate! If he's emotionally gone why go crazy trying to get him back.

Don't live a lie op

You are not in control of the choices other people make. You've told your wife you are not in love anymore. Once she gets over that shock from her side, having heard those words, the relationship may well be over anyway.

This is not something that just you has a choice over. You need to give her space to make her own choice to.

You don't really have the luxury of uttering those words and then working through all your feelings.

You perhaps made the (common) mistakes of marrying without knowing what you were really committing to, then compounded it by never really being fully present in terms of never actually addressing your doubts to your wife.

Whilst you may not be able to come back from so far, your wife may not either so there really isn't a way for you to make a long term choice about what is best for you in the end. Simply make a series of choices based on sound reasoning and fairness and trust that where you then end up is a better place than where just going along with things has led you up until this point.

My situation differed greatly from yours op, I was in a relationship with a great guy just not the guy for me when I was younger, we lived together but no kids or mortgage thankfully. Came so close to cheating and at that point realised we both deserved better and ended things . he was a lovely bloke and I have nothing but nice things to say about him. Fast forward I'm now in a much happier relationship and feel content, heard through the grapevine ex has also moved on. Best thing I ever did, although was dreading making the first step, as soon as I did I knew it was definitely the right thing. Your wife might not be happy with your choice but it'll pass and hopefully you'll both find happiness elsewhere

With all the good points you have mentioned about your wife I think finding a spark with her is more likely than finding someone else as good and a spark and a good step parent.

That said once you have tried if you don't see it working don't stay. And as soon as you know that (which might already be the case) leave.