Should I leave my wife?

[Maninturmoil]

OK so I know I'm going to get abuse here... but I am in turmoil and searching for the right thing to do. Both for me, my wife, and my child. I'm in my early 30s and have been married for 5 years (in relationship for 10). We have a 4 yo boy, who I love with all my heart.

For a while now (maybe 2 years) I've felt unhappy and trapped in my marriage. For even longer than that there have been worrying warning signs that I perhaps hadn't married my life-long love, but I pushed these to the back of my mind as I thought happiness would follow once we'd built a home together and accumulated wealth, kids, etc. (I know I was stupid to ignore these impulses and only have self to blame)

We've done all that now (house, kid, etc) and I still feel the same - actually worse. We have an almost sexless marriage (max 10 times a year - and we're both young), which has actually been the case since before we had our child. We have very little in common other than raising our boy, and I feel bored in her company. I find that I've completely disengaged from the relationship and that we are friends/roommates rather than lovers. I have explained my concerns at the lack of intimacy on numerous occasions throughout the years... usually met with a response that my expectations are unrealistic. Things might improve for a few weeks after each conversation but then quickly revert back.

I've had nagging doubts for a long time (probably forever really) whether me and my wife are truly compatible, but on paper she's great (beautiful, kind, ambitious, honest, great mum) and we make a fantastic team in building a home/family. The problem is that I don't think I love her. I care about her, but I feel nothing when she says "I love you", and I don't look forward to spending time with her. We get on OK as friends, but there is no spark there.

Here is where the abuse comes... I met someone else a couple of months ago, and she made me feel alive again. I felt emotions I forgot existed. I didn't sleep with her but carried on a bit of an emotional affair for a couple weeks. I know that lust is fleeting and these initial feelings ALWAYS die away eventually. I'm not kidding myself that this new woman is my soulmate or that we'd have a future together. I took the decision to cut off all contact with this person because I knew having a third party involved would complicate things in my mind, and also cause huge pain if I had a full-blown affair.

What this experience did tell me though is that there is life outside my marriage and I feel like I'm settling for a so-so, passionless marriage with someone I don't love. I don't want to live a lie for the rest of my life.

About a week ago I told my wife how I felt. That I didn't lover her any more, and that I was considering whether we should separate. I also told her about me meeting this other woman and how she made me feel. I thought my wife deserved to know, even though she's not in the picture anymore. She is of course devastated by all this and, apart from the intimacy issues we'd been having, is a bit shocked. She says she still loves me.

I know that the right thing to do is to work on my marriage. I just don't have the heart or energy to put into it. If I don't love my wife anymore is it fairer on everyone that I leave and let us both meet people who make us happy? My fear is that we stay together for our child and financial stability, and then end up splitting up when they hit 18... only for us to have our youth pass us by without the chance to find happiness with someone else. It goes without saying that I would of course continue to be a good and supportive father whatever happens.

Thoughts? Advice? I know that people will jump on the other woman stuff... but please believe me when I say I don't have any intention of pursuing anything with her. If I left, I'd want to be by myself for a bit first before getting into anything else.

It's really helpful to get some perspective from others on her and insights into their own relationships. Sometimes I think that maybe things aren't so bad, I'm happy enough with life in general and should count my blessings. Not rock the apple cart etc.

But when I hear about other people having spouses that they enjoy spending time with above all else, and who still feel the love after years, I just feel sad I don't have that.

OP.

Love is a choice. When you got married you vowed to choose your wife every day, for the rest of your life. You vowed to choose her through every stage, every up and down. I got married at 21, and hell NO are we the same people we were when we got married. Marriage is WORK. But it's designed to be a mutual, two-way job. It requires every effort on a daily basis to communicate with your spouse and to choose them over everyone else.

It seems to me you have simply decided you can't be bothered. Others may say you should leave because you've been unhappy for so long. But have you talked to your wife before now? In the past year or two, have you repeatedly told her you're unhappy and why? Have you given her a chance to fight for you and for your marriage?

I come from a place of experience. It is hideously unfair for one spouse to be so "unhappy" in a marriage and not speak openly and honestly about it. That would have given you and your wife the chance to fight for one another. So far, you've not given your wife that chance.

You have become so familiar with one another that you've become bored. Do you feel like you really know her anymore? Myself and DH got to breaking point (an affair) and realised we'd just lost each other, we didn't know each other well anymore. We CHOSE to fight for our marriage. I'm not saying marriages can survive anything, but they certainly CAN survive one spouse feeling as though they're not "in love" anymore. If we all went through our marriages based on our feelings, of course nobody would last long term. How on earth do people stay happily married for 60 odd years? They choose each other every day and the "feeling" of love comes with it. Love itself is a sacrifice, it's two people saying "You go first." "No, you go first!" to each other every day. It's selfless and it's mutual sacrifice to one another. I think you have maybe lost sight of what marriage and it's commitment really is, because you want leave based on your emotions. And you've probably lost sight of the person your wife is alongside that.

I suspect, that it's the lack of intimacy, that has brought you to this point. Without that, everything slides.

Fwiw, as children get older and/or she reaches her late 30's, I would expect her sex drive will return with a bang. This is very common. I suppose it depends whether you think it's worth waiting to see if this happens.

Op, have you considered the impact leaving will have on your son? How will you feel if you leave and another man moves into the family home ? Think about those men who only see their children one evening a week and every other weekend.

Also think about the financial side, how you (both) will run two households. Now my dh has left by dc will have a poorer quality of life and god only knows how I'll support them through university.

I'm also worried that, despite our best efforts, they might take sides and possibly blame dh when they're older. This is not to guilt you into staying, it's just stuff to think about.

Theres no such thing as soul mates or your "life long love". No one goes around feeling "in love", and most people would dream of a partner who was a friend, lived with them, beautiful, ambitious, honest, kind, and a good parent.

Not saying you shouldn't leave, btw. If you want to leave, you should.

Your expectations are very high, but actually there is nothing wrong with that. Each of us decides what we will settle for and what we won't.

Leave. No point in wasting your life and youth on someone you just don't love anymore. I don't agree with staying in a relationship for the sake of children, in the long run it doesn't make anyone happy.

Leave. My ex DH tried so many times to have this conversation with me and I continued to persist and say we could make it work. I pushed for us to go to Relate, which we did...but it took him having a breakdown before I realised it was over. It wasn't easy, I had to completely change my mind set, but once I'd excepted the outcome was inevitable we worked hard to achieve an amicable split and still remain friends. 5 years on and my live has moved on for the better and both of us have met new partners and are very happy. By all means try and save your marriage if that's what you want, but from what you're saying I think it's over, and the sooner your wife accepts that the better. It will be hard, it will be heart breaking and it will take time for her to accept your decision but dragging things out over a longer period of time by trying to make things work creates a false and unfair sense of hope. It's easy for me to write this now, but at the time I was your wife battling to save my marriage...I just wish I'd accepted sooner that mine was over.

If you really don't love your wife it is probably kindest to end it. But I wonder if you and your wife had lots of amazing sex would you still want out?

I don't believe working on your marriage is always the right thing. I think the right think is to be truthful and honest with yourself. You need time away from your wife to see how you feel, sometimes we forget how we feel and change is needed to help us remember. However if you do this and you still don't have anything then it's not healthy for either of you to be together knowing this has happened and your wife is aware about how you feel. You are still young and you can still be great parents. My parents are still together now and I know all my life that their relationship isn't a happy one. I feel the better parents know that staying together isn't always the way and if separating and loving your child correctly (the main person in this) your family is much stronger than a unhappy family that is together just for the sake of it really.

Pugugly - did you have any children? How old were they and how did they cope? I feel like I'm on what verge of a breakdown already! I've been absolutely obsessing over all this for weeks now.

Deadringer- I don't know is the honest answer. Sex isn't the only thing missing in our r'ship though. No idea how much the lack of it contributed to other issues tho

No, 'working on' a relationship is never going to be the answer. Part of the reason so many people are miserable in their marriages is because marriage is a) pushed as the only way to be a proper grown-up person (yes, even now) and b) there's all this guff about how you have to make an effort and not expect it to be wonderful. In which case, why on earth should you fucking bother with it if you are bored, depressed, sick to death of your partner, etc?
People often marry because the (perfectly nice, pleasant, reasonably attractive, nothing-wrong-with-them) partner they are dating is keen to marry and/or both partners are not too bothered either way but everyone around them is marrying and there seems to be no good reason not to marry... except that one/both of you isn't really that excited over the prospect. But the mundanes around you keep saying that romantic love is just a phase, and marriage is work, and you're not getting any younger (even if you are only in your 20s) and that a pleasant person with no major flaws is as good as it gets.
So you marry. And, a few years down the line, one of you meets someone that s/he really, really connects with. Or discovers some sort of consuming passion that isn't about sex with another person (it could be religion, politics, an artistic outlet, a very time-consuming job) and realises that the marriage just isn't that important and is becoming a dead weight. If they are lucky, the couple haven't had DC and can therefore get right out of each other's lives.
If there are DC, care has to be taken to look out for their needs. But 'staying together' with a partner who bores you or whom you bore, is not the answer. It doesn't set a great example for your children, either, to give them the idea that marriage is a) essential and b) a daily slog that grinds all the joy out of life.

How the children will cope will be dictated by how you act.

If you put their needs first, maintain a civil relationship with their mother and support them financially with what they need they will be ok. If you continue to be part of their lives financially, emotionally, they will be ok.

If you treat their mother badly , disputes fair division of assets, kick them out of the family home and pay minimal maintenance whilst installing a new woman, they will hate you.

I still see no acknowledgement of your wife's feelings or needs and no acknowledgement that this is of your doing. Only external attribution of blame 'had my head turned' being an example. It's all about you and your feelings.

What matters are the feelings of your children

So a couple of months ago you met someone else and a month ago is when you really decided you wanted to leave?

But then in the background there is this thing where you talk about maybe never really being compatible, expecting 'lifelong love' and 'soulmates' to follow from doing things like marrying and getting a house and having kids and the fact that it hasn't maybe means your marriage is over...

Three things it could be;

1. You married in error without understanding what a married relationship is, and with an immature understanding of love, that has never changed because when you married you were young. You had your head turned because your expectations of marriage are immature and this has caused you to think there is something wrong with the marriage whereas the problem is actually with your expectations of marriage. In which case you probably need to do some individual therapy around your own expectations of love and marriage before you make a final decision but you need to separate from your wife because you have already made the irreversible announcement that you don't love her.

1. You've had an affair, your head has been turned, you are now rewriting the history of your marriage, comparing it to unachievable standards of 'lifelong love' and 'soulmates' in order to get out of it because you think there may be a 'better offer' than your current long term marriage which has become stale and boring in comparison to a shiny new relationship. In which case tell your wife you've had an affair and both decide whether you want to repair the damage that has been done.

1. Your expectations of marriage are fine. You had your head turned because your marriage is not working and you lacked the balls/awareness to confront this before fixating on someone new. In which case leave and be clear and upfront about there being no chance of fixing it and don't expect to meet someone else, just leave because your marriage is wrong.

Well said reanimatedSGB.

I think you do work on it to a point. You work on it daily because most relationships require give and take and growth. And people have ups and downs and good and bad times but can still come through

The time to work on it probably isn't now, when things have broken down. Too late really.

If you leave your wife, do it respectfully and with fairness. Emotionally and financially.

Reanimatedsgb - a lot of what you say makes sense! Even if it's a little depressing to think of society like that.... can I ask if you were married at any point?

Hmmm I have mixed feelings about this predicament. There is lots of advice to just leave.

You call it a sexless marriage then say you have sex 10 x a year - that's almost once a month (that's normal for some people) - could your wife just be too stressed / tired to feel like having sex?

When you have more sex more often does that make you feel better about the relationship?

I find my OH gets really moody & a bit depressed if we don't have sex as often as he thinks we should. Then we have sex and he's like a teenager again!

We are in our early 40's been together 20 years. Have young DCs. It's just not going to be the same as when we first fell in love is it? The sex is still great though.

Do you possibly have unrealistic expectations of marriage?

Do you think your wife could be more fun if her life was less stressful? If you spent more quality time together? Had more holidays?

The thing is, whoever you shack up with next will eventually become routine no?

Isn't it worth trying to get things back on track and not ripping apart your DCs world?

Just playing devils advocate here.

Good luck OP.

Leave. Life is too short to be miserable or staying put simply because you're scared to leave.

Treat your wife with respect and kindness. Be fair with the asset split - she will need to be able to house/feed/clothe your son & not be in penury because she hitched her future to a guy who now wants to bail.
And be a visible present father to your boy - he learns from you how to be a man and how to conduct relationships, especially how you deal with his mother.

@Maninturmoil I have never been married and never will. (I am 52). I have no interest in longterm monogamous relationships and have refused to engage in them since I was about 25.
I got lucky: I was exposed to plenty of feminism and good writing on the drawbacks of monogamy/marriage and alternative sexualities at an early age, so I managed not to enter into any relationship that it wasn't easy to escape from and, having realised that I didn't want marriage, made sure I was clear about this with anyone I dated or shagged.

Also: I have a child (who was unplanned but is much loved) and a perfectly amicable family relationship with that child's father - and a happy child who sees his father regularly.

SGB- nail on head.

Yes leave. You've been honest with her - sometimes feelings change despite the best laid plans.
What you need to focus on now is making sure your split doesn't negatively impact your son or leave your wife high and dry.

Sit down and see if she is willing to talk a split through calmly and try and avoid things getting acrimonious .

What offred said.

ReanimatedSGB , brilliant post!!!

There is an unreasonable, usually unspoke assumption in our culture that relationships, especially marriages, ending is some sort of a tragedy. I just don't agree. Relationships are a great thing if, but only if, they make both parties happy. If that's not the case, it's not worth saving!

And, for that matter, I also fundamentally disagree that good relationships take hard work. That is not to say that good relationships are always full of sunshine and avoid all conflict - not at all! But if yours is a marriage/relationship that constantly needs to be worked on and tended to in order to work, it's just not that great - just like a house that is in perpetual need of some repair or other is just not that great a house.

Both of my really good relationships required very little work. They ended for entirely practical reasons. Yes, we had disagreements and fights but we never, ever had to keep on putting in an effort in order to keep them working. Because really good relationships don't need that.

Agree with @MoonPower

What makes you think that down the line the woman you move on to after your wife won't also become boring to be around?

When you are basing your choices entirely on unrealistic expectations and feelings, the grass will always seem greener. Until it's faded again to a yellow, unhealthy state once more. Because feelings will always come and go.

Someone said good relationships shouldn't be hard work - I disagree. A marriage needs work to be healthy, and some days it may seem harder than others but the work you put into it should be a joy for you to do, because it's being reciprocated by your spouse. It's a mutual, sacrificial relationship and that doesn't happen by going on your emotions and waiting for things to change.