Should I leave my wife?

[Maninturmoil]

OK so I know I'm going to get abuse here... but I am in turmoil and searching for the right thing to do. Both for me, my wife, and my child. I'm in my early 30s and have been married for 5 years (in relationship for 10). We have a 4 yo boy, who I love with all my heart.

For a while now (maybe 2 years) I've felt unhappy and trapped in my marriage. For even longer than that there have been worrying warning signs that I perhaps hadn't married my life-long love, but I pushed these to the back of my mind as I thought happiness would follow once we'd built a home together and accumulated wealth, kids, etc. (I know I was stupid to ignore these impulses and only have self to blame)

We've done all that now (house, kid, etc) and I still feel the same - actually worse. We have an almost sexless marriage (max 10 times a year - and we're both young), which has actually been the case since before we had our child. We have very little in common other than raising our boy, and I feel bored in her company. I find that I've completely disengaged from the relationship and that we are friends/roommates rather than lovers. I have explained my concerns at the lack of intimacy on numerous occasions throughout the years... usually met with a response that my expectations are unrealistic. Things might improve for a few weeks after each conversation but then quickly revert back.

I've had nagging doubts for a long time (probably forever really) whether me and my wife are truly compatible, but on paper she's great (beautiful, kind, ambitious, honest, great mum) and we make a fantastic team in building a home/family. The problem is that I don't think I love her. I care about her, but I feel nothing when she says "I love you", and I don't look forward to spending time with her. We get on OK as friends, but there is no spark there.

Here is where the abuse comes... I met someone else a couple of months ago, and she made me feel alive again. I felt emotions I forgot existed. I didn't sleep with her but carried on a bit of an emotional affair for a couple weeks. I know that lust is fleeting and these initial feelings ALWAYS die away eventually. I'm not kidding myself that this new woman is my soulmate or that we'd have a future together. I took the decision to cut off all contact with this person because I knew having a third party involved would complicate things in my mind, and also cause huge pain if I had a full-blown affair.

What this experience did tell me though is that there is life outside my marriage and I feel like I'm settling for a so-so, passionless marriage with someone I don't love. I don't want to live a lie for the rest of my life.

About a week ago I told my wife how I felt. That I didn't lover her any more, and that I was considering whether we should separate. I also told her about me meeting this other woman and how she made me feel. I thought my wife deserved to know, even though she's not in the picture anymore. She is of course devastated by all this and, apart from the intimacy issues we'd been having, is a bit shocked. She says she still loves me.

I know that the right thing to do is to work on my marriage. I just don't have the heart or energy to put into it. If I don't love my wife anymore is it fairer on everyone that I leave and let us both meet people who make us happy? My fear is that we stay together for our child and financial stability, and then end up splitting up when they hit 18... only for us to have our youth pass us by without the chance to find happiness with someone else. It goes without saying that I would of course continue to be a good and supportive father whatever happens.

Thoughts? Advice? I know that people will jump on the other woman stuff... but please believe me when I say I don't have any intention of pursuing anything with her. If I left, I'd want to be by myself for a bit first before getting into anything else.

By the way I say "work" - I just mean generally putting your spouse first, considering their feelings, learning to communicate well - all things that some days you need to work harder at than others. It's those little things that can slip and start to grow the wedge between a married couple.

I fluctuate between being excited about a new future, and absolutely terrified of the unknown

This makes it sound a bit like you are off on some exotic adventure but remember you will have 50:50 care of your DS. He will keep your feet on the ground I should think. Your free time will be taken up with him and not just be you finding yourself or finding someone else for that matter.

A good relationship takes hard work
Any good relationship, friendships, siblings, parents
But you've got to love them/respect them/care about them/want to spend time with them - that bit should be fundamental

But if you aren't compatible then it's a different thing. If you didn't think you had that in the first place it's a different thing

That book that someone mentioned earlier, too good to leave, too bad to stay will help you a lot I think.

Lots of people marry the wrong person for what they think are the right reasons.

Yes I'm not against putting in the work for something. Most things worth having is in life require effort and work to achieve. I guess what I need to decide is whether the raw ingredients are there for the work to deliver the right results.

Really interesting points about marriage in general. This whole experience has made me question it. If I do end up by myself I'll certainly not be rushing into anything else in a hurry

What happened with the other woman? Is she still on the scene? Anyone else ?

I also fundamentally disagree that good relationships take hard work.

I'm not sure anyone said hard work (possibly) but it's disingenuous to say good relationships shouldn't need work.

All relationships need work at some point or another. I adore my children but they require hard work to keep the relationship good and on the right path.

It is an investment of time and energy, patience and open-mindedness. Commitment to doing our best by the other person every single day, while also maintaining and protecting our own selves and our own happiness.

It's true for parental relationships, friendships, working relationships, every kind of relationship I can think of.

If it's more hard work for a longer time than it should be, then it's time to ask why. But please don't tell me that long-term relationships shouldn't require work.

You committed to your wife for life. But you don't have the energy to work on your marriage? Utterly pathetic.

You need to try harder to sort your marriage out before throwing in the towel.

Someone turned my head when I was in the depths of a lonely shit relationship which had totally broken down
And you know all it did. It made me realise that there was more out then that what I was dealing with
I'm single now. I separated from my partner straight away
It was like a massive shock to the system.

Its not nessicarly a bad thing

Also all the friends who are having a hard time in their marriage but I know they fundamentally love their partner I think will make it.
All the ones that married for the wrong reason, it's just a race against time before they divorce. It'll probably be when their kids are 18 and they'll think it's just fine that they stayed for the kids. It's not

It is an investment of time and energy, patience and open-mindedness. Commitment to doing our best by the other person every single day, while also maintaining and protecting our own selves and our own happiness.

This, I don't disagree with (except the every single day bit, everyone gets to have stroppy phases for good or no particular reasons) and it's not what I mean by 'hard work'.

What I can't comprehend is the attitude often seen that there is a major sacrificial component to good relationships. If, at the end of the day, your relationship is a net sacrifice, it's not worth it. If it isn't, it's not a sacrifice but technically more like opportunity cost.

I was much rather referring to sentiments along te lines of those expressed in Cannotwillnot's post. Why? Why is entering into a relationship with someone equal to an obligation to try and make (or even force?) oneself to make it work with a person? We don't apply this logic to any other life question (think jobs, houses, ...). And who in their right mind would want to be with a partner who's having to convince themselves they want to be in the relationship?

Great post bossy. I'm with you.

No one gets a medal for sacrificing themselves on the crap marriage stake.

I'm somewhere in between all this. I am married and separated I was the one who left. I left because the relationship had died. I intend to stay married despite leaving the relationship because the relationship part is the bit that has died, the reasons we married in the first place remain and will until one of us wants divorce, wants to remarry (I won't want this as I don't want more children) or the children are grown and no longer dependent.

I see marriage as a completely separate legal contract to share finances and responsibility for children. The relationship is a completely separate thing IMO.

I totally agree with SGB about the societal expectations re getting married and how people very frequently end up being married because it is the 'thing you do next' or 'the thing women want' rather than because it is right for them.

I think SGB is indeed lucky to have been able to make a proper informed choice about relationships and marriage but if you are a person who has already married, only to discover that you feel as SGB does how do you handle things?

You have still, as an adult, entered into a marriage, which means you have the responsibilities that marriage brings.

It may be that marriage itself is not an institution that suits you, as with SGB, but it is tough if you discover this after you have married. The job then is to be fair to your wife as you pursue a life that adheres more closely to who you are. This means you need to know who you are too.

I'm not necessarily sure that the issue with you IS that you don't actually believe in marriage. That may be where you come to eventually, if it is a case of your expectations re marriage being out of line with the reality as with my #1.

But right now it strikes me that you may be one of the many (particularly men) who was raised to think that 'being respectful to women' involves going along with what women are meant to want and that you hoped it would make you happy. It will take work to find out how you really feel under that layer of socialisation.

I think with that socialisation, which is so common TBF, and not something you really are to blame for exactly, or something you will even be aware of; the thing to really remember is you do still have a responsibility to uphold the responsibilities you have taken on. Even if you weren't really fully informed.

That doesn't mean staying married, staying together etc but it does mean being respectful and honest whilst pursuing what is best for you.

everyone gets to have stroppy phases for good or no particular reasons

I don't disagree. Although I think there are always reasons and if the phases become a pattern then it needs to be addressed. We are, after all, adults.

What I can't comprehend is the attitude often seen that there is a major sacrificial component to good relationships.

Any time we attempt to put others beside or even ahead of our own needs and desires it is a sacrifice of some kind. Relationships are sacrifices, in some form or other, always.

If, at the end of the day, your relationship is a net sacrifice, it's not worth it. If it isn't, it's not a sacrifice but technically more like opportunity cost.

Yes, I read Freakonomics, too.

Why is entering into a relationship with someone equal to an obligation to try and make (or even force?) oneself to make it work with a person? We don't apply this logic to any other life question (think jobs, houses, ...)

People are more valuable than jobs and houses, and worth more effort. Also, relationships aren't necessarily logical, because ofyou guessed ithumans.

And who in their right mind would want to be with a partner who's having to convince themselves they want to be in the relationship?

No one should. But one needs to be sure the feelings of convincing themselves isn't just a phase.

If OP has been feeling unhappy for a while (let's be generous and say three years), one can infer the other seven years of the relationship were happy. So why do those three years count more than the seven, and who is to say the next seven or seventy couldn't be happy as well?

Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters. -- M Scott Peck

No the other woman no longer on scene as I broke contact. But she is still in my mind a bit at times despite trying to forget her, so can't be discounted from the picture I guess... if I'm totally honest. I'm trying my best to make any decision based on purely the marriage itself. The fact i connected with this other woman is significant and to me a major indicator that my marriage isn't right. But I'm trying to see it as a catalyst to address my problems rather than something I intend to move on to after. If that makes sense

So what is the question here?

The whole affair thing is a sign something isn't right with you for sure.

People don't have affairs because something is wrong with the marriage per se. They have affairs because they choose to have affairs.

Why they choose to have affairs may be feelings of being trapped in a marriage they don't want to be in but they've decided not to get out, or getting out is too difficult or they feel it is too difficult.

Or quite simply they just don't care very much about infidelity, even if they care about being made to feel the consequences of infidelity.

It is easy and neat to say 'I had my head turned because the marriage wasn't working' but that is never the full story. Just as with 'mismatched libidos' because if the marriage wasn't working you could have chosen to leave the marriage.

Sometimes having an affair is the cowards way of self sabotaging a marriage in order to avoid just making a decision to leave

You have lost the opportunity to make the decision purely on the basis of the actual marriage. You had an extra marital romantic relationship with someone else. In a lot of ways because nothing physical actually happened it will make it even harder to think about your emotions about your marriage separately as there is the ever present promise of the ideal fantasy the OW represents.

You need to make an actual decision. You've told her about OW, and that you don't love her anymore. If you don't leave soon and she really wants to stay together you are going to end up leading her on if you do eventually go.

I suspect the kindest thing would be to separate while you make your mind up if you are undecided.

Leave then. Do it respectfully. Fair division of assets. Wife will need enough to raise your children properly. Be an active and involved father. Don't drag her through the courts or quibble over money or pay a derisory amount of minimal maintenance. Assume you will want 50:50 custody of the child? Make sure that's as stress free as possible for him. NEVER disparage his mother in front of him. Maintain civility at all times. If you find someone new be considerate how you introduce them.

Let your wife move on and find happiness with someone who loves her. You move on and find happiness with someone too. Don't drag it out.

As I said previously if you were my husband I would not be begging you to stay. You've had an affair, whether that was physical or not and that's a deal breaker for me.

What do you get by staying? Are you thinking your wife will suddenly beg for you to stay and agree to change? To have more regular sex? If so, just remember that that's sex she doesn't want, and is doing under a degree of coercion. And that's something you couldn't possibly take pleasure in...right?

Stop dithering and agonising and (sorry,) whining over something YOU have caused and make a decision. Then stick to it and conduct yourself with dignity and fairness.

Jesus Christ
I knew this thread would descend into this.
Currently there are about 3 threads where a woman has said she has intense emotional feelings or a crush or has ended up having an emotional affair and the difference in attitudes is astounding

Sometimes when are lives are coasting and we are unhappy it's very hard to know how unhappy we really are. People bury a lot of unhappiness for MANY reasons.
Something can happen to make us realise. It could be anything, most likely it's going to be stirrings of feelings for someone else.

He got involved emotionally with someone which made him realise how unhappy he was and so he cut things off to assess whether it really was the case.

ITS COMPLICATED

life is complicated, thats why people come on here asking for advice rather than a fucking bashing

The fact is that no one in MN can give you the right answer can they OP?

Only you can say if there's any chance that things can be worked out between you two.

It is sad when relationships end and there are kids involved. But it's also important for parents to be happy.

It's a tough decision. I would suggest you get some MG counselling to help you both figure out the way forward - even if it doesn't sort out the problems it might help you both accept whatever happens and why it's the best decision.

Yeah, it's complicated but he doesn't have to leave his wife in limbo.

When someone makes an announcement akin to the one he has their spouse is going to assume that the fact they are still in the house means they want to fix the marriage before too long.

It being complicated for the op doesn't mean he gets to keep his wife in tortuous limbo.

he told his wife a week ago! then came on here for advice and I imagine is seeking advice in RL, maybe talking to her constantly
how is that limbo.

I would not want to be with a man who did not love me, and I would not want to be with a man I didn't love - life really is too short.

My mum stayed in an unhappy marriage for too long as she felt it was her duty, the catalyst for her leaving was when she fell for another man & (I believe) had an affair.

After the marriage ended she had boyfriends but has met no-one serious however that's another story...

When you divorce make sure you get counselling to avoid making the same mistakes over again. Then enjoy life.
Your wife may well meet a man who truly loves her.

Trust one who knows, your child will be damaged if you stay in a loveless marriage.

When xp told me he didn't love me (though I knew he was cheating and he wouldn't admit that part) I told him he would have to leave then. That night (and yes I still loved him).

When I told h I didn't love him anymore I also told him I wanted to separate. It wasn't the first he had heard that we were having difficulties. It was after 3 years of me raising the actual issues with him. He asked to go to counselling (a year before he had refused) I said I would only go in order to plan separation and not with a view to staying together and if he felt he still wanted it in that context then of course I would go. Then straight away we made actual plans to separate and by two weeks later we were actually living separately.

It's a whole weekend post announcement of dithering about what his announcement actually means for the marriage. If he's not sure then he'll need to act on that soon to avoid his wife thinking his continued presence in the relationship represents a decision to work it out. She didn't straight away ask him to leave which means she probably wants to fix things.

*a whole week