Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

passionate affair with ex boyfriend

279 replies

shopaholic · 14/07/2004 16:37

I have just begun a passionate affair with my first ever boyfriend and have fallen head over heels in love. We are of course both married. I want to feel guilt so I can stop but don't. In completely celibate marriage and sex with ex is absolutely fantastic. I know I will end up with a broken heart but self preservation instincts have gone completely out of the window. Help me. He lives 100 miles away but this has not been a barrier so far.

OP posts:
Original poster
shopaholic · 19/08/2004 19:08

We were only 18 when we split up. We were first loves and I suppose we just wanted to go out with other people at the time. Then we went to uni etc but stayed friends

OP posts:
Original poster
shopaholic · 19/08/2004 19:20

advocateofthedevil - are you still there?

OP posts:
kkgirl · 19/08/2004 20:01

Come on guys, give shopaholic a break.
Honestly, although I am anti affairs myself, and would have to break my marriage and then start a new relationship, can't you see from her posts how this is tearing her apart?
I know that affairs do tear lives apart, but usually happen when there are problems already, and although I do feel sorry for the other family, I'm sure shopaholic can't help it and isn't doing it on purpose to hurt anyone, and more than likely he'll let them both down anyway.

So Shopaholic, although I don't agree with what you are doing, you have my support

Original poster
shopaholic · 19/08/2004 20:04

Thanks so much kkgirl - its so good to know that someone understands things aren't always black and white. You are so kind

OP posts:
kkgirl · 19/08/2004 20:53

Well Shopaholic, like I said I don't agree but we're all human and I don't think you can help how you feel, and the last thing you need on MN is a lot of people dissing you. I hope everything works out for you.
TC

Iwoulddoit · 19/08/2004 21:08

Right I am a coward cos I have changed my name for this. I have been reading this thread since it started and have to say this.

I have been with my dp for 7 years. I was very young when we met and if i'm honest there was no physical attraction at all, he made me laugh and that felt good. We now have 3 kids and get on o.k but I donot love him and I think he knows this.

If I am completely honest then if I was in Shopaholics position and a particular ex was to contact me then I know that there is no way I could control myself.
I am not happy in my relationship and neither id dp if he is honest. The longer we are together the more I find myself wishing I could meet someone else.

I have virtually no doubt in my mind that eventually I will stray. I will hate myself for doing it and feel incredibly guilty but there it is, thats the truth.

Me and Dp are still together for much the same reason as Shopaholic is with her Dh.

Shopaholic - I completely understand why you are doing this. I do think that from what you have said of his past that this man may eventually hurt you, and that you really won't be able to cope well with that.
I know people on here are angry because of his wife and the fact that she is pregnant. I was going to say that I would not have an affair with someone who was already in a relationship, but tbh I don't think if it came to it that, that would be able to put me off enough.
I hope this does work out for you, or at least give you the reason to sort your life out.

Good luck xxxxx

Original poster
shopaholic · 19/08/2004 21:17

Iwoulddoit - wow someone who really understands! It is all very well for people who have not been through this to moralise (and I understand why they do it) but until it happens to you, you don't know how it feels. TBH it feels v lonely knowing you are doing something the rest of the world dissaproves of. I agree that you just get to the point where you just know that something will happen, just not with who or when. I almost subconsciously started reading lonely hearts columns in the paper a couple of years ago (never did anything about it). To be lonely in a marriage is the worst feeling.

OP posts:
Iwoulddoit · 19/08/2004 21:29

I too read the lonley hearts columns, have done for a couople of years now. Haven't ever done anything about it though.

Like you say it's hard to know until it happens to you.
I certainly know how i'd feel if i met up with a certain ex of mine, and infact have attempted to contact him several times now already.

Glad you know your not alone anyway. In some ways I'd give anything to be in your shoes.

jampot · 19/08/2004 22:54

shopaholic - i know you're local to me so if you would like to meet up to discuss (somewhere neutral - maybe for a coffee/sandwich) anything in RL as it were please contact me via CAT. Sometimes its hard to get how you're feeling across in a post and its better to talk in RL

gettingthere · 19/08/2004 22:56

shopaholic - what a difficult situation. I don't know how old you are but suspect you may be approximately the same age as me. Maybe 10-15 years ago i think i saw many issues in black and white and now i see most things in shades of grey. It is very very hard to look into someone else's life and history and know that individual. The most i think we can do is to be there for each other, rather than to be judgmental. There are so many things going on beneath the surface. to be in love is such a powerful emotion it eclipses many other things, and I for one don't feel at all judgmental. I'm kind of astonished that so many people have felt they have the right to be quite so black and white about what must be quite a complicated situation. By the way, my husband had a number of affairs so I'm not commenting from a naive point of view but from a realistic one. Things happen, and situations change. I think my main concern is for you and your children and where you go from here. Please feel free to either post or to e-mail, particularly if you bounce from highs to lows which may happen, either now or in the future. Take care.

Original poster
shopaholic · 20/08/2004 08:51

Oh Jampot, Iwoulddoit and Gettingthere - what fantastic, caring souls you are. You don't know how comforted I am by your warmth and understanding. Jampot perhaps it is good idea to meet up, sorry to be so stupid but what is CAT?

OP posts:
posyhairdresser · 20/08/2004 09:02

The UK at this point in history has very definite views on extra-marital affairs reflected in many posts here.

In UK history, and in many other countries present day, affairs are very normal, people stay together to bring up children and because the partnership with the spouse offers many benefits.

Therefore Shopaholic you would have many less negative judgements rained on your head if you lived elsewhere in place or history.

jampot · 20/08/2004 09:14

Shopaholic - Contact Another Talker

Frenchgirl · 20/08/2004 09:15

Nice post gettingthere. I have followed this thread without commenting as I have no direct experience of affairs, and like most of us condemn them from a moral point of view. I would naively say that I would never do it myself, but I have had 'impure' thoughts about a couple of men I know since I've been married, and thankfully that's as far as it's gone. I don't think I would have the guts to have an affair, but who am I to judge you shopaholic? You know what you're doing is wrong and will end up hurting innocent people, not least your children. I don't think telling you to pull yourself together is the way forward though. What you need is RL friends to offer support and help you find a way out before you get in even deeper. Yes this is a nasty mess and you must have been very unhappy to get into it, and it was the wrong way to try and solve your problems. But for heaven's sake you are only human like all of us. You need to stop this but please try and rely on RL friends. It's a bit too easy on MN to take a hollier than thou attitude, especially when we don't really know you. This is simply too sensitive an issue to be dealt with on MN (as much as I value MN and think it does a lot of good). HTH.

Original poster
shopaholic · 20/08/2004 09:20

Yes posyhairdresser I have often wished that I was French where this kind of thing does not cause problems. Jampot - will contact you via this.

OP posts:
MummyToSteven · 20/08/2004 09:32

shopaholic - sorry if i have sounded moralistic and unsupportive. i am genuinely worried for you, and think that you will be happier in the long run if you end this, and think you need to do more things in your day to day life to make you happier - do you feel lonely/bored in your day to day life? I am glad you are finding the support you need from other mumsnetters. take care

x

hercules · 20/08/2004 10:25

I am surprised at how some posters are saying that those condemning the affair are being judgemental, seeing things only in black and white etc and even that in other times an affair would be acceptable- so what?
I have seen the fall out of affairs and sadly the people who are going to be hurt badly are the innocent ones ie the partners and children. I bet they wouldnt have the same opinion on affairs when this comes out in the open as some of you here do. I should imagine they would feel their lifes have been destroyed and wouldnt find much comfort in some of the comments here.
Yes, you do need support, but not support in this deceit. I hope his wife is able to get support as well. I dont think you are to be held responsible for his wife as if it wasnt you it would be some other poor soul.
Sadly, if you do finish it then he will simply move on to his next conquest.

Mosschops30 · 20/08/2004 10:31

Message withdrawn

spacemonkey · 20/08/2004 10:45

Well, you have my sympathies too shopaholic. I have had more than one affair, so I know exactly where you're coming from, and I have lived through the havoc an affair can cause, and coped with the aftermath. I hope you haven't been too upset by the condemnatory remarks posted on this thread - when I saw your initial post I gulped on your behalf in anticipation of the virtual stoning. I think the most constructive thing you can do is really, really take a good look at why you're doing this in the first place and see if you can address those issues. People don't have affairs if they are happy and satisfied in the relationship they are in. This may sound stupidly obvious, but I would strongly urge you not to get found out if at all possible (dodges virtual stone). I've been there and it was UGLY for everyone concerned.

Just blithering now, but I thought it was about time I stuck my head above the parapet and added my support for you - I know how heart wrenching it can be

daisy1999 · 20/08/2004 11:09

By all means have a relationship with this man if you want to but is it too much to expect you both to come clean with your partners first? No sympathy from here but you seem to be getting plenty from elswhere.

Original poster
shopaholic · 20/08/2004 14:15

Jampot - sorry am still trying to get the courage to contact you personally. Feel embarrassed that I have laid my soul so bare and am terrified that you may know me in RL. Would like to meet you nevertheless. Will try to be brave.

OP posts:
ebbie22 · 20/08/2004 14:36

I cant believe how selfish you are being,not just to ur children or even to ur husband but to you....As i have said before you cant help who you fall in love with,there isnt a certain time or place,in one short moment it can happen,just like that.
But you have a familly who must of noticed a difference in you?If you are as unhappy in marraige as you say you are then surely it would be better for you all to make that clean break...
However hard or hurtful it may be...But dont do it for ur lover do it for you..Dont you remember y exs stay exs?

ripley · 20/08/2004 16:47

I must say it's interesting that you have never mentioned anything about your kids - only that you have them. You said that you and your husband stayed together for the sake of the kids - have you considered how your loveless marriage could affect your children's future relationships? I honestly think that kids prefer two happy divorced parents than two unhappy parents living in the same house. And if they did find out about your married lover, what signals is it going to send out to them? That it's ok to cheat on their own father? I really think you have to think about this more than anything else because after all, they should be your priority.

Original poster
shopaholic · 20/08/2004 16:52

They are my priority for goodness sake! Its why I am still here. FYI my DH and I do not have the kind of marriage where we fight and argue all the time. We are caring, calm and kind to each other and believe it or not, do share a kind of love (non-sexual).

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 20/08/2004 16:53

sorry, but I am insulted on shopaholic's behalf that you are implying she does not consider her children her priority ripley

none of us know shopaholic personally OR the ins and outs of this situation - people should remember this before posting judgemental and often insulting remarks

Swipe left for the next trending thread