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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

passionate affair with ex boyfriend

279 replies

shopaholic · 14/07/2004 16:37

I have just begun a passionate affair with my first ever boyfriend and have fallen head over heels in love. We are of course both married. I want to feel guilt so I can stop but don't. In completely celibate marriage and sex with ex is absolutely fantastic. I know I will end up with a broken heart but self preservation instincts have gone completely out of the window. Help me. He lives 100 miles away but this has not been a barrier so far.

OP posts:
posyhairdresser · 18/08/2004 20:31

Can't see why it's not for real skerriesmum - which bits are hard to believe?

skerriesmum · 18/08/2004 20:34

Someone taking the mickey, looking for reactions?

posyhairdresser · 18/08/2004 20:37

I thought probably someone who can't talk about this to real life friends?

skerriesmum · 18/08/2004 20:39

I'm not the only one who suspects... see lemonice and foxinsocks and collision!

Chandra · 18/08/2004 20:52

The only curious thing I have notice is that I have not seen other threads with messages from Shopaholic since this thread started. [???]

I don't know if she is real but in case she is...Have you all realised that the most you insist that this is not correct the more trilling the affair appears to be? By pushing her so much you are actually making the affair more interesting.

I think Shopaholic has already decided what she wants, she has had a lots of advice but she has decided to go ahead and I believe she has her reasons. She is not stealing a husband, this man has contributed as much or even more to make an affair out of the friendship than Shopaholic herself.

We may not agree with what she is doing but we are no saints, are we? I don't think we have the right to condemn her in such way.

ebbie22 · 18/08/2004 21:21

True you dont have to meet up,but you can fall in love thru texts,emails even photos....As I said b4 I dont agree with what shopaholic is doing,If you can cheat once then I guess you are always a cheater,If they both love each other as much as they say they do then why not take the bullet and be decent enough to end the marrige..As in each others eyes it has already ended....

questionmark · 18/08/2004 21:32

I suspect shopaholic is quite materialistic and resents her dh because she quoted on another thread that he lost his well paid job and had to move here from London. Her 2 children go to a fee paying school whose fees are IMO quite substantial so presumably her dh can't be earning a pittance. She has already admitted to being a shopaholic and spending money unnecessarily presumably as a cry for help. I suspect that the reason she doesn't end her marriage is because a good deal of this lifestyle would have to go which I feel she is unable to let go of. My friend's inlaws have a very wealthy retirement and live in a fabulous house. However they live totally separate lives inside the house; she has her share of the house and he has his share. He has a mistress and has done for years but they remain married and together for appearances. Very sad IMO.

phatcat · 18/08/2004 21:57

well in a week of several excessively judgemental postings on MN you get the gold medal questionmark.

I don't really see how you can jump to such conclusions based on a few objective facts about someone you don't know. And one person's situation is no indicator of another's.

phatcat · 18/08/2004 21:59

there's nothing H about your IMO is there?

ebbie22 · 18/08/2004 22:02

what does h mean?

phatcat · 18/08/2004 22:04

H = humble

IMO = in my opinion

sometimes you say - IMHO

ebbie22 · 18/08/2004 22:12

oh i c...Thank you..

tigermoth · 19/08/2004 08:40

Don't know if this applies to shopaholic and certainly wouldn't like to assume anything, but I can see what questionmark is saying in general. It must be very hard to decide to lose a lifestyle you and your children are used to, especially if you have no well paid career yourself to fall back on. I know I'd find it hard to let go. Even if you suspect you will get a generous maintenance settlement - eventually - there must be loads of uncertainty to begin with. Leaving this behind is not a decision to be taken lightly.

If shopaholic, you are in this position, I hope you are getting some good legal advice about where you'd stand financially if you tell your your husband it's time to split. I don't know the financial implications for you if your husband divorces you due to your adultery. Is that something you have looked into?

questionmark · 19/08/2004 10:06

I think my post has been misunderstood, I certainly didnt mean to sound so judgemental merely that I felt this may be a reason for Shopaholic not leaving her husband. I am sorry if i have caused offence by my previous posting and I have asked tech to delete it to prevent anyone else being offended. I certainly did not intend to cause offence especially not to Shopaholic

phatcat · 19/08/2004 12:26

ok - sorry if I misunderstood

notthecod · 19/08/2004 12:35

I htink queation mark is spot on actually

advocateofthedevil · 19/08/2004 13:04

Sorry, but if you dislike your DH enough to go and f* around with another man, then leave him! I'm with the pregnant wife on this one. There's no excuse for having an affair. So what if he's a serial philanderer, that's no reason to lower yourself to his standards. If he's being unfaithful to his wife with you, and has done so before, chances are he's being unfaithful to you too. Aren't you worth more than that? Isn't your DH worth more??

Yes, my post is judgemental but those are my feelings and I don't apologise for them. As others have said, grow up and join the real world. Put yourself on the otherside of the fence - how would you feel if you found out your DH was sh*gging around??

ripley · 19/08/2004 13:16

Again I am with the pregnant wife. You can't use the excuse 'oh but he's cheated on her before'. That's like saying 'well it's ok for me to take this free money coming out of the ATM because everybody else is'. It doesn't wash because it is plain and simple wrong. It doesn't matter if you've got a bad relationship, sort that out and don't impose yourself on a relationship which is already shaky and has a little baby involved. What happens when that baby is born? Your 'lover' may well have a complete turn around and be filled with love for his little family and leave you in the dust. Please sort out your own relationship first and leave this guy alone, no matter how persistant he is. Prove to yourself that you can be stronger than that.

Original poster
shopaholic · 19/08/2004 18:01

Sorry if I have offended so many people. I can understand why though. Yes, I am genuine and yes I do value all your advice and opinions otherwise I would not post on MN. Of course I am terrified that when the baby is born my lover will dump me, he is not such a bd as he may seem otherwise I would not love him. I suspect it will be me with a broken heart and I probably deserve it but I can't help my feelings and nor can he.

OP posts:
Original poster
shopaholic · 19/08/2004 18:07

Incidentally, yes I am still here for the sake of my children as if I were to leave they would have to leave school and live in much reduced circumstances. I don't feel at all good about this and am really unhappy. Although my DH is essentially a decent man I do not love him and feel that I am wasting my life with him (as he is with me). We have discussed splitting up in the past as we realise we are no longer in love but decided to stay together until the children are older to provide a family life for them.

OP posts:
skerriesmum · 19/08/2004 18:08

Wow shopaholic, I thought your life was too complicated to be real. Sorry for not taking you seriously. I think we've all been in relationships that are bad for us (let's leave the other victims out of it for now) and I can understand the attraction even though you can see it's really going nowhere. Good luck with your decisions.

Original poster
shopaholic · 19/08/2004 18:12

TBH I must admit I do hold out some vain hope that one day we will be together (how could I not hope for that) and so does he.

OP posts:
skerriesmum · 19/08/2004 18:14

how would you cope with a "real" relationship though, the everyday ups and downs? Forbidden love is always so exciting... not mortgages and school runs and bills...

Original poster
shopaholic · 19/08/2004 18:17

Reply to advocateofthedevil: understand what you are saying. This is the real world however, in the real world we can fall in love when we least expect it regardless of the fact that we really don't want to. A couple of months ago what you have written could have been written by me. If my DH was having an affair I would be pleased for him as long as it did not break up the family as he deserves happiness as much as me and I do still love him in a way.

OP posts:
Original poster
shopaholic · 19/08/2004 18:19

Yes skerriesmum I have thought about that and truly believe that we are soulmates and could cope with anything. Forbidden love is obviously exciting intially but after a while it is painful and difficult and I would not wish it on anyone else.

OP posts: