passionate affair with ex boyfriend

[shopaholic]

I have just begun a passionate affair with my first ever boyfriend and have fallen head over heels in love. We are of course both married. I want to feel guilt so I can stop but don't. In completely celibate marriage and sex with ex is absolutely fantastic. I know I will end up with a broken heart but self preservation instincts have gone completely out of the window. Help me. He lives 100 miles away but this has not been a barrier so far.

I am sorry if you took offence - I was not trying ot be insulting at all. I just noticed that shopaholic never mentioned her children when she was going talking about how she felt about the situation. I did get the impression that you were desperately unhappy in your marriage and that is why I thought the children might sense it.

so you think shagging someone else is being caring and kind to your dh ?

Yes I'm judgemental, I happen to believe marriage vows should actually MEAN something

Yes, it IS perfectly possible to be kind and caring to someone while shagging someone else behind their back.

No, in that case the kindness is just a front, and the caring would seem fairly shallow to me. I think I can imagine how utterly devastated I would feel if dh did that to me.

I would certainly feel he didn't care about my feelings at all.

Yes I suppose you could say that, but if you found out your kind and caring husband was doing the dirty behind your back, I'm sure you wouldn't be so forgiving. That's just plain and simple deceit.

I know what you mean easy, I'm really not trying to say that it's OK to have affairs. It just upsets me that people are being so judgemental towards her when she is caught in the throes of a really difficult situation and is already suffering quite enough, without being harangued on here.

This isn't a thread debating the rights and wrongs of affairs. She's asking for support. People who have no sympathy for her situation should just leave it.

But SM, shopaholic came on here before this ever started, and told us that she wondered whether to meet up with this guy, worried that this might happen.

A HUGE number of us said "don't do it, it'll end in tears."

But what did she do? Now we're expected to be sympathetic. I don't think so.

In that case why bother even reading this thread easy? If it offends you that much just leave it!

I for one would love to stop reading this thread but it won't go away ! Until today I have tried to ignore it, surely it's now well and truly talked to death.

spacemonkey, i think you are right. I don't think it is constructive for posters to pop up every so often purely to admonish SAH for having an affair, and is unfair to SAH. I think we all agree that having an affair is not a good thing. Ramming SAH over the head with this is uncalled for.

The thing is I don't believe that you are respecting your husband or even yourself Shopaholic. I think that is a shame, I believe this man has hoodwinked you to a certain extent. From his track record every instinct should be telling you to leave. If everything he was saying and so say feeling were true then you would be making plans to be together. The fact that your not perhaps shows that neither of you are prepared to take your affair in to the real world, instead it is a fantasy life with all the excitement and none of the mundane.

I think the reason why shopaholic has been so critisised for her actions is because people can't look past the terrible situation of his wife. This is a mothers site, everyone can in some way relate to this lady and the awful situation she probably dosen't even realise she is in.

I still stand by my original post that an affair, however it is dressed up is wrong. If you have this kind and caring relationship with your husband but you both aknowledge you are unhappy have you never discussed the possibility that one of you may feel drawn towards an affair?

Personally, I don't see what's so difficult. She should do one of two things - give up the man and either go back to her marriage or become single, or let his wife and her husband know about everything and be together. If she continues this situation the deception gets deeper, she'll feel worse and if and when (because all secrets come out in the end) everybody finds out it is going to cause a lot of pain. And that pain will be worse the longer the deception goes on.

Shopaholic, I don't think you are a bad person or anything like that, but I do think you have to take control of the situation and make some decisions. I'm sure this guy just wants his cake and would be happy to have 'cake' for as long as he can whilst making happy families. Flossam is right - this is a site for mothers and I'm sure there are a lot of people thinking about the wife because it is natural for a mother to do so. I hope you don't mind me speaking so strongly as I just feel so strongly about it.

So SM, what you are saying is that unless I can be sympathetic I shouldn't voice my opinions?

Doesn't give a very balanced view tho', does it?

If the thread were a debate then it would be about giving a balanced view, but it isn't.

Sm - Easy is as entitled to her opinion as you are. I don't think it would be healthy for Shopaholic to only hear supportive views.

but not much danger of that is there daisy? (of SAH hearing only supportive views)

hopefully not mts as what she is doing is wrong! Perhaps those supporting her would feel differently if their partner was doing the same!

but there is a difference between approving of what someone is doing and offering the virtual equivalent of a listening ear.

perhaps, shopaholic, you need to talk it out here and see all opinions. Sometimes, I think talking through something a lot can lessen its emotional impact. The more you talk about this affair, the more likely you'll be able to be detached from it? a possibilty? don't know, just a thought.

Would it help you more if everyone who posted here empathised with you? I don't know the answer to that but it might be an interesting question to ask yourself.

anyway, let's agree to disagree daisy

truce mts !

MTS - I think you're right. Lending a virtual ear doesn't mean you want to go out on the pull together. SAH has found herself in a situation she doesn't feel able to get out of for whatever reason. She is not a child, she is an adult like all of us and perfectly entitled to make her own decisions of the heart or head. She is probably absolutely bursting to tell someone but obviously can't in RL so she comes on here to talk. If anything its the boyfriend we should be berating!

Shopaholic, I mainly lurk on mumsnet and occasionally post and I noticed that you said you were depressed in another thread. Whay don't you go to a doctor and get some anti-depressants? I took them over a year ago and they did me the world of good. You will find that it will be easier for you to make decisions as you can put things more into perspective. When I was on them I found I could rationalise things out a lot better and gained a lot more confidence and even though I'm off them now it's made me a stronger person. You really should try it.