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Original poster

passionate affair with ex boyfriend

279 replies

shopaholic · 14/07/2004 16:37

I have just begun a passionate affair with my first ever boyfriend and have fallen head over heels in love. We are of course both married. I want to feel guilt so I can stop but don't. In completely celibate marriage and sex with ex is absolutely fantastic. I know I will end up with a broken heart but self preservation instincts have gone completely out of the window. Help me. He lives 100 miles away but this has not been a barrier so far.

OP posts:
Original poster
shopaholic · 19/08/2004 18:24

If we admit our affair and leave partners/children then we devastate five people's lives on the basis of a love affair that has been going on for two months. Does that make any sense?

OP posts:
granarybeck · 19/08/2004 18:26

I feel so sorry for this man's poor wife. everyone on here knows what her husband is up to and she has no idea (i presume). The poor woman.

notthecod · 19/08/2004 18:36

Ys and you are a an adult - fall out of love

you are not some animal beholden to some osrt of instinct use your brain and shape up

MummyToSteven · 19/08/2004 18:38

shopaholic - but once the baby is born, isn't he going to say that he wants to stay with his wife for the sake of the children? can you really hang on for 16 plus years in this limbo? when is his wife's baby due? it sounds like you have rationalised this - well, its only been two months, how could I expect him to leave her and make a commitment for me - but how long are you prepared to give him? I just feel that he holds the balance of power in your relationship, and that this in itself will cause you unhappiness. I would also be extremely careful to use barrier methods of contraception as well, to avoid the possibility of infection.

Original poster
shopaholic · 19/08/2004 18:39

notthecod - I can sense your disgust but we are not talking about just a sexual relationship here.

OP posts:
Flossam · 19/08/2004 18:39

I do try and see it from your point of view Shopaholic. I just can't look past the fact at the moment that I'm pregnant and how I would feel. It would be too terrible for words. Being pregnant at the moment has made me feel much more vunerable. I trust my DP completely but there is still the fact that he is not getting much of it here (sex of course!) so from a chauvinistic mans point of view (he isn't one of these either) now would be the time to be looking for it elsewhere. Just try and put yourself back in those shoes, when you were happy with your DH and bearing his child. What would that of felt like? I'm sure you've already tried to do this though.

MummyToSteven · 19/08/2004 18:41

shopaholic - what do you want us to say to you? do you want us to moralise/argue you out of it? do you want us to hold your hand, say, yes, enjoy it? genuinely curious

Original poster
shopaholic · 19/08/2004 18:42

MummyToSteven - I don't know the answer to that question. It is really tearing me apart and him too.

OP posts:
MummyToSteven · 19/08/2004 18:42

shopaholic - did his previous affairs tear him apart?.why do you feel that you are different to his previous women (other than by what he says to you?) I do feel very cynical about this man.

moomina · 19/08/2004 18:43

Shopaholic, no matter which way you slice it, the fact is that you knew exactly what you were getting yourself into before you even met up with this guy. I don't think anyone here who contributed to your original thread about meeting up with an old flame would buy any of this 'I can't help it' stuff.

I agree that we can't help who we have feelings for. Absolutely agree with that. But we CAN chose whether we act on them or not. You knew exactly what was on the cards when you first met this guy for lunch all those weeks ago. And that, IMO, is the bottom line.

Oh, there's so much more I could say - but I won't.

Original poster
shopaholic · 19/08/2004 18:46

Yes Flossam of course I have. I have 2 children myself. I feel v sorry for his wife but at the same time obviously quite jealous that she is bearing his child (I know, unreasonable of me). The whole situation is so unbearable. I don't know what I want MNs to say either just to talk to me if they can bear it.

OP posts:
Original poster
shopaholic · 19/08/2004 18:49

Moomina - yes I did know what I was doing to some extent but did truly NOT expect or want to fall passionately in love. I wish I hadn't.

OP posts:
MummyToSteven · 19/08/2004 18:50

is there anyone in RL who knows what is going on shopaholic?

Original poster
shopaholic · 19/08/2004 18:52

Actually i love him so much that the thought of not having him in my life makes me want to end mine. There I've said it. Stupid aren't I?

OP posts:
advocateofthedevil · 19/08/2004 18:53

"He has already had several one night stands since being married (8 years ago) and three years ago had a 3 year affair with a single woman. He wife found a voicemail from her and threw him out. He lived with his girlfriend for a month then pleaded with wife to take him back and she did. He has already told me he was contemplating another affair. He does not really 'believe' in the marriage vows and is a seriel philanderer"

FFS, the guy's a bstard! He's cheating on his pregnant wife having been unfaithful to her on many occasions before. How can you possibly say "he is not such a b***d as he may seem"?! I also don't understand why you would wish for a long term future with this man when you know he is a serial philanderer who doesn't believe in marriage vows?? He's done it to his wife, he'll do it to you. Do you really want to be a soul mate to someone like that??

FWIW, you've not offended me. I'm incredulous, gobsmacked and aghast but not offended.

Original poster
shopaholic · 19/08/2004 18:54

My best friend is the only person I have confided in and she does not morally approve but does not judge me either.

OP posts:
MummyToSteven · 19/08/2004 18:54

glad to see that you have some support in RL (particularly as this Mumsnet thread seems to be a mixed bag of attitudes to say the least)

MummyToSteven · 19/08/2004 18:56

shopaholic - were you ever in love with your husband/previous partners like this?

Original poster
shopaholic · 19/08/2004 19:00

advocateofthedevil - it is a frightening prospect being with a serial philanderer yes. That's why I wish I had not fallen in love. I am confused and things are desparately complicated. While objectively and rationally I know that once a cheat always a cheat I still feel passionate love for this man which as an intelligent person know is probably self destructive.

OP posts:
Original poster
shopaholic · 19/08/2004 19:01

MummyToSteven - no I have never been in love like this before.

OP posts:
advocateofthedevil · 19/08/2004 19:02

Is it love or just lust?? Not sure how you tell the difference.

MummyToSteven · 19/08/2004 19:03

apart from the obvious, what do u do when u r together with him?

Original poster
shopaholic · 19/08/2004 19:05

We go to galleries, restaurants etc. Mostly though the obvious as we are together so little.

OP posts:
advocateofthedevil · 19/08/2004 19:05

Sorry if I've missed this elsewhere but since he's an Ex, why did you split up?

Original poster
shopaholic · 19/08/2004 19:06

advocateofthedevil - initially I suppose it was lust but believe me when love strikes you know. it is an all-encompassing passion that takes over your whole life

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