It's not my necklace

[Foolmeoncefoolmetwice]

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

Hang on have I got this right?

He said finances are so tight you can't take the children out, but he has to go out drinking with the lads?

Why do you allow this? Why have you got no idea what the outgoings are in your house? Yes he is the main earner but you are supposed to be partners, a team. He sounds awful

He sounds an absolute selfish cunt! Honestly laughing at you then declaring being a sham is not as demanding as his pompous job is disgusting ! How would he know how exhausting it is to be home daily with the kids and not even being able to eat a meal in peace or go for a crap without the kids following you. Gosh he has really annoyed me for de moralising your role as a mother. Please can you just ask him who the lady was he shared a room with and why there were pearls in his bathroom . This ain't gunna go away op and it's dragging on and on now and his cocky behaviour needs brought down a few pegs . Seriously petal you deserve so much more than this misogynistic PRICK ! Confront him and make sure u make him tell you the truth and then LTB (first time ever iv said ltb on mumsnet ) - please look after yourself op and for god sake confront him today before he goes out with his bloody mates pissing up his "well earned and much needed" time out money !

Thing is some one somewhere is missing pearls. they will have phoned the hotel.

So if its a random and unconnected person then they or the hotel would have contacted you by now.

If its an affair or prostitute your husband knows you have them.

You need to get access to his fiances and maybe gym bag/car for a snoop.

Ps - stop being his door mat also , he begrudges you taking kids out for the day because of money being tight BUT he deserves to go out and get pissed and spend god knows how much on himself ??? Erm NO NO NO this is just so wrong and you are allowing him to do it !! Say NO YOU CANT GO OUT !

What a peach of a husband you have. I honestly don't know how you can keep quiet here or why you are allowing him to treat you as he is.
You either need to get into his desk and gym bag of just have it out with him!
Assume the car will be at home tonight if he's going out because he works so hard

It doesn't sound like he really cares or appreciates the difficulty of looking after children.

How often does he look after them on his own?

How much time do you get without your children?

The necklace is one thing, but it's as though he's irritated by the DC.

Have you considered doing some part time work?

Is definitely going out with his mates this evening?

wow OP, the more you post the worse it's sounding...

Please, if you are able to after the PND, take back some control. It sounds like you are and have been walking on eggshells for long enough. It must be exhausting.

I think he thinks he's being really, really clever - he isn't because he is assuming you don't have your gut instinct to work with.

And just WOW with the fucked up attitude to you being a SAHM what a prick. How dare he. I have genuine for you.

for you OP

Im shocked! I myself have had a few issues with my DP for seemingly innappropiate messages to other women. I have NOT let it go, I've thrown him out, made him talk and explain himself and taking steps to make sure he knows in annoyed.

He is my second partner. I have 4 kids. 3 are from a previous partner. I lived as a single mother for 3 years (working part-time from home) before I met him. I will not be treated the way your partner treats you. Trust me, being single and alone isn't that scary. It's better than being treated like dog dirt!

If he's going out tonight for drinks,will be not leave his car at home? Just wondering as that would be the perfect time to check for anything else. But then i suspect he could take a second phone with him. Hmmm

Either way he sounds like an absolute prick, hope you get into those drawers tonight OP

Honestly was just going to write what Gust said.

What kind of man would spend money on drinks & happily let their kids go without? I know he said he would "bung" you extra money, but that's only after the kids have already stayed in all day & you brought up finances?

This isn't right op. Also not just my partner, many of our male friends with toddlers etc are very involved in their toddlers lives ( and actually enjoy them). Stop making excuses for him, he just does not sound nice.

Locksmith for the lock. Tonight. . A friend paid £40 for an ooh man to open her filing cabinet. .

Job done. .
And you keep the key. Or at least a spare.

Hi, this is my first post on MN. I've read all the updates from the OP, but not all the replies. Any man who would put him going out for for drinks before his children having a day out is not a man, when you have children, they come first. OP, you need some financial advice, either from CAB or a solicitor, I'm assuming you have access to some money, I don't know how much solicitors charge, but 1 hour with one may not cost much. Then you hit him with what you know & kick him out, don't let him talk you round. I know this must be really hard for you after 9 years of loving this man, but you don't seem happy & will make yourself ill. You & your children deserve better

Even without the necklace issue your husband sounds like a dick.

He's checked out of family life and your marriage by the sound of it and is living and acting like a single man whilst you look after his children. It's disgusting, he's treating you like a doormat and you deserve so much better.

I would be breaking in to that drawer too. Absolutely.

Even if he wasnt having an affair (doubtful) I'd still tell you to leave him based on his other 'qualities' alone.

Ps) my DH was enamoured with our DS during infancy and toddlerhood, as are most fathers. Don't make excuses for your husband.

Do you have a fairly common surname OP? I ask because my DP and I recently stayed at a hotel, and were greeted like royalty, because they seem to have mixed him up with someone else with the same name. They thought we had stayed many, many times, but we hadn't (DP even checked his online loyalty points with their chain, he had about 10 points!).
If there was someone else of same surname, staying at the hotel with their wife, and they'd found the necklace and were about to contact them, they may have assumed you were her?

Were those his actual words?? 'Working so hard for us'? I actually want to come round and smack this guy in the face.

Come on! Find your rage! He is negating all the hard work - physically AND mentally hard work - of looking after small children. That's bad enough. But he's lying to you, and if he's not lying to you (which you will find he is I'm sure) he is controlling you and keeping secrets from a grown woman. You are meant to be a family. This is not 1760.

Just smash the locked drawer open, love, it's your half your house, half your drawer, half your financial security. Find out what the fucker's up to.

Don't let him fob you off on the finances - still insist you sit down and go through them

Better still - get in that drawer - now whilst he's still at work

OP would you consider getting legal advice to see what your position would be if you divorced?

Get photocopies of all bank statements, his payslips and P60 (if you can).

Find a good lawyer and find out where you'd be financially if you split.

Right now your husband is spending household finances on gifts and hotel stays with OW.

And would you be able to get a job if you started job hunting?

I'd start looking for a job as well.

I can't imagine living in your situation. Sounds pretty horrific.

If you don't act soon you will loose the chance to actually find out the facts as he will get suspicious - you need to get in his car and gym bag

Once you have the facts or more information THEN you can sit back and work out what you want to do and there's no rush.

I think you won't look because you don't want to find out and would rather keep your head in the sand. You don't need to kick him out immediately if you find evidence - you just need to start planning your escape

This is all a bit cloak and dagger.. Locked cabinets, the gym bag and the pearls.

I know men generally aren't as interested in the baby/toddler years though.
^This really really isn't true.
OP I'm sorry but I want to shake you. If by some miracle there isn't an OW you still need to LTB. He is controlling, dismissive, has no respect to you or your children. Please start to getting yourself sorted, and leave him.

Demand to see financial paperwork. Or smash the doors open.

He is using you as a doormat and he will do the same to your DD, do you want that for her?

Also start getting legal advice now. There is a possibility he knows you know about the pearls and I have no doubt he will try and screw you over.

Btw my DP is besotted by our baby, he's not thrilled when she creams at 4am (who is) but he pitches in to soothe her and play with her and interacts with her, so much so that he's really good at soothing her when she cries.

Ime most men do enjoy the baby/toddler stage.

Ask him if your horrific outgoings are hotel fees and expensive necklaces. Funny how there is suddenly some money for you if it stops you asking to go through finances. Horrible bastard doesn't want to waste his drinking and shagging money on his wife and kids. :(

This man is a piece of shit, necklace or no necklace