It's not my necklace

[Foolmeoncefoolmetwice]

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

If you're too hard up to be having days out with the kids in the school holidays then you're too hard up for him to be buying food in the work canteen on his debit card. The man needs to learn to make a sandwich!

And that's without even commenting on the pearls/hotels/fidelity stuff!

I think the financial stuff would put a strain on most relationships, never mind the necklace.
Sorry OP it sounds really hard

My ex claimed we were skint and it was down to me spending on the dc. .
He was online banking when I walked past and he slammed the laptop shut. .
Que some digging from me that night, discovered he had had a huge pay rise I knew nothing about, cleared our accounts regularly, lied he had payed bills with the money etc.

He moved out the next day.

Filed for divorce and never set eyes on him since I saw him use the laptop. .

Children are expensive! Thank goodness you found some pearls to sell :P

What a knob, don't waste time worrying and feeling shitty, find your proof and confront him. You have done nothing wrong, hold your head high chick x

You really need to get a screwdriver and get that drawer open. Even putting aside the possibility of OW, he's financially abusing you. Should should have access to accounts and bills etc and know yourself what money is where.

Stop burying your head and allowing this man to make an absolute twat of you!

That should say "you should have..."

There's such a lot of reaching going on for what is, at the moment, very very little "proof."

Hotels make mistakes. OP's DP hasn't changed his behaviour and she's never caught sight of an alternative phone (most people slip up eventually).

I'd be pretty pissed off if I'd gone to bed and DP wasn't still kicking about at 11:30+ because I'd know she wouldn't be quiet enough not to wake me up. If I had a full day of work ahead I'd be pretty miffed at the thought of yawning my way through it.

I'm not having an affair and I find the finances are stretched just now. Trying to keep the sprogs entertained on the cheap during the summer hols is difficult and pretty much anything you pay for is going to be 20-30 quid a pop plus food.

OP is, understandably, going frantic because she's being bombarded with suggestions that he's cheating. It may be true in the end, but there's little to suggest it right now so OP I'd suggest calming down on the cod-Poiret stuff, (or the packing your bags and leaving suggestions!), and look at this, and your relationship, longer term.

Tell him you're concerned about things being tight and that you feel you should be doing more with helping him in managing the finances. You should be anyway, IMO. It should be a joint responsibility for any couple but in this case it may also set your mind at ease (or confirm your suspicions). Worst case it'll help you work out what the finances will look like if you split. Best case you'll be taking on something you shouldn't have let drop originally.

What the above said

Ive text him asking if we can go through finances together if we're so short I can't take the kids out because that's really worrying especially as he is going for drinks with the boys tonight. He's replied he can bung me a bit extra in the week as he gets paid at the end of the month but he really needs the downtime tonight after working so hard for us. I do understand and respect that, but he earns a good wage and I'm unsure what all our horrific outgoings are supposed to be.

I know I shouldn't have just let It drop ChangedName, but it was such a relief when he first took over managing them when I had PND.

Don't let that little bit of appeasement stop you going through the finances with him. Cheeky git!

He giving you some money like that is demeaning to you as a person.

I would like to know exactly where all the money is going here.

I don't know I'd think in your situation but maybe your outgoings are higher than you realize.

In my personal situation I am paid x amount per month but a third goes on tax etc. Then my rent is absolutely massive 65% of take home pay.

Regular bills have to be paid then occasional bills (tax on car every 3 months, bin charges etc)

I organise the finances in my house. So I know how tight things are. My husband doesn't necessarily (that's a whole other conversation!)

I'm not trying to be patronising as I'm sure you know all about living expenses but my point is, if he's keeping an eye on bills day to day he might be more sensitive to daily/weekly fluctuations.

Convenient there's enough money for him to meet his mates though

But don't think the worst until you sit down with him and see the expenses in black and white. And maybe his idea of "broke" is down to a thousand pounds in the bank whereas yours might be down to a tenner. Maybe he's conscious of keeping a rainy day fund.

You already sound so stressed and confused (understandably) but have the chat with him about money before adding that to your list of worries

He is bullshitting you OP. He doesn't want to go through the finances with you because then you'd realise he was (probably) up to no good.

Seriously - get into those drawers. Have you looked under things for the keys? Under other drawers. Under desk. Top of pictures frames or just behind? I sometimes put a window key for my kids bedroom on the top of the door frame. You can't see it but I know it is there when I want to open windows.
In books
He may behave the key with him.

Alternatively put kids to bed tonight. Force drawer and have a look inside. When he comes home saw you were really concerned and appreciate him wanting to keep all the worry to himself but you want to share the burden. You just tried to give it a little poke with a screwdriver and accidentally broke the lock.

He is lying OP. I reckon you don't have much chance to get into those drawers. He will move stuff then show you non incriminating details.

Does he drink and drive or would he drop the car home first? Will he get drunk enough that you could have s rummage around his car with no worry if him waking?

The worst thing is I said how nice it would be if he wanted to get a drink with me sometime instead of the lads as I work hard all day too with the children and he just laughed and said that looking after my own children isn't exactly working from home! He's been finding fault with them more and more often recently, especially DD. I know men generally aren't as interested in the baby/toddler years though.

Hotels do make mistakes but the way the hotel receptionist replied makes me think there was no mistake here.

From OPs initial post:-
"the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!'"

If the pearls were not the OPs or for the OP then who was the intended recipient?.

Foolmeonce

I note he is now starting on his DD and he will get her eventually to the same low place you are in and at, her father is her benchmark for future relationships with men.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here from the two of you?.

"I know men generally aren't as interested in the baby/toddler years though".

And what makes you think that?. Which also makes me wonder what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up; did your own father treat your mother similarly?. Your H is not as interested now as he perhaps was (or not) in their earlier years as he has other more urgent priorities and none of those feature you in any way. Its not going to get any easier for them or for you for that matter.

In that case he can do your "easy" job tomorrow while you go out without him. Forget the potential affair, your dh is an arsehole.

OP, I hate that assumption (which lots of men seem to take advantage of) that men aren't generally interested in the baby/toddler years. As a father I loved the baby/toddler years - here were new little personalities growing and developing. That's not to say that it wasn't hard/boring at times, of course.

What a charmer he is

This may have been covered up thread, but if the OW had lost or left her pearls in the hotel room, she would by now have mentioned it to the DP, and one of them would have phoned the hotel, and so would now know that OP has them?

Now that you have brought up your finances you should see the paperwork before he has the chance to swift away anything he doesn't want you to see. Get access to the papers in whatever way you think appropriate - if he blows up at you forcing the lock you can ask why you have been denied access, and 'security concerns' be damned.

He's a prick.

You need to sort this out.