Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's not my necklace

999 replies

Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 15:36

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Gotanewusernamenow · 28/07/2017 14:34

Why don't you know where the key is for the drawer???????
He should tell you where it is hidden. I mean god forbid he was ill and had too stay in hospital.... You would need to open the drawers to pay your bills etc.

SeamusMacDubh · 28/07/2017 14:41

I'm with PP, find a way into that draw - could you pop the bottom out of it by pushing upwards under it? - and have a look at those papers

He sounds unpleasant to say the least.

Poisongirl81 · 28/07/2017 14:42

Have you got in the drawer? You need to! Or don't you have online banking?

FuckYouLinda · 28/07/2017 14:42

Funny how money for the kids materialised when you brought up his drinks with the boys and suggested you both sit down and go through the finances. Hmm

Ok, next task - next morning when he's about to go out to work, ask him for the key to the drawer so you can look through the finances. After all, the contents belong to both of you. Any husband with nothing to hide would shrug and hand it over. If he doesn't give it to you or tries to stall or put you off, it will look really suspicious.

If he manages to put you off, if I were you I'd have a locksmith lined up the moment he sets off for work. Or I'd break in myself.

If you want to fuck with his head, since he's doing a lovely job fucking with yours, send him emails of normal day to day stuff - (maybe pictures of the kids at the park or a drawing they did for daddy) but waay down bottom of the email where he won't look write "pearl necklace" over and over in white font so it's invisible. After a while his google adverts should be...interesting Grin

SeamusMacDubh · 28/07/2017 14:48

*drawer Hmm

Venusflytwat · 28/07/2017 14:52

OP.

The locked drawer and the gym bag in the car are NOT normal.

Neither is him keeping you out of the finances.

You may think they're normal but they aren't.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/07/2017 15:00

I keep my gym bag in the car Shock

But the financial secrecy and the sniping at you are not normal and not acceptable

Gemini69 · 28/07/2017 15:01

VenusFlytwat is correct lady x

Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 28/07/2017 15:07

Yes his dismissal of raising his children and keeping his home as not being 'real' work has upset me, in the past he's complimented me on both of those and boasted about it even

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 28/07/2017 15:07

I keep my gym bag in the car but when I have been to the gym it comes into the house with me so I can get clothes out and replace gym stuff with fresh stuff for the next time.

Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 28/07/2017 15:18

Sandy - he rarely looks after them alone, he likes the highlight reel of having children but he's quite detached in other ways.

We don't have a usual surname, it's not a 'whoops we sent mrs smiths pearls to the wrong Mrs smith' situation

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 28/07/2017 15:19

I'd pick that drawer lock forthwith - use a hair pin! Or whatever, just get copies of whatever financial info is in that drawer.

He most definitely does NOT see you as an equal - he views you as his property.

I'd imagine you are slowly realising his words no longer match his actions.

AnyFucker · 28/07/2017 15:23

Linda, you are quite evil

And I love it

SparklingRaspberry · 28/07/2017 15:29

OP I'm sorry but you're being really naive right now.

Either ask him outright for the key to the finances or get that draw open yourself. Don't let him fob you off with "oh we will do that tomorrow". Don't give him any time to hide things!

I don't understand why you've let him have all control over money to the point where 1) he keeps the draw locked and you don't even have your own key, and 2) where he gives you a bloody allowance and begrudgingly gives you a little extra when you've gone over.

Seriously OP. Go and open that draw now. I mean this kindly but you haven't got any more time to be naive.

AnyFucker · 28/07/2017 15:32

drawer

Please folks. I am not usually a spelling bore but I am hormonal and the constant use of "draw" is making me want to kick the cat

AreWeThereYet000 · 28/07/2017 15:36

Why would they say 'ah Mrs xxx' with your surname if he hadn't had another woman in the room and introduced her by this?

AcrossthePond55 · 28/07/2017 15:39

He's distancing himself, he's putting down your contributions to the family, he's refusing (stonewalling) your desire to understand family finances. All this stinks badly of a man who is justifying cheating AND may very well be planning to jerk the rug out from under you by announcing one day that he's 'unhappy and has been unhappy for so long now'.

You really, really need to 'hist up your drawers' and start working. I know it's hard. I know you just want to bury your head. But you have children to think of and there is work to be done.

Do you have just one friend or relative (preferably someone a bit 'kick ass') you can rally to your support? If so, please call them. You need to talk to someone in RL. Just one person you trust to keep quiet and willing and able to help you. You don't need to, nor should you, go through this alone.

If he is not willing to clue you in on family finances then you'll have to find out yourself. Do you know where banking is done? Is your name on any of these accounts he keeps locked away?

PugOnToast · 28/07/2017 15:40

My DH was far more attached to our kids in the toddler young years than the teenage ones
Don't do it. Don't excuse and explain his behaviour by saying "I know this is what men are like"

PugOnToast · 28/07/2017 15:42

He will move the incriminating stuff tonight. You have said you want to look in the drawer. He will sanitise it.

This isn't what men do. Normal decent men.

JustDontGetItAtAll · 28/07/2017 15:45

OP Please tell him he is NOT to go out tonight. That if he loves you at all he is to come home and go through these finances with you. He cannot treat you and the children this way!!!!!!!
He can go on the piss but the kids don't get anything? Disgusting

L T B

Paperdoll16 · 28/07/2017 15:54

Thinking about it surely anything in that draw (just kidding any fucker 😜), I mean drawer, would be paperwork that comes via the post?

As a SAHM won't you get it first?

He's going to know that you're on to him and will remove all incriminating things.

I mean let's face it. That very hidden key isn't just hidden from burglar bill- cos he has no interest in a filing cabinet, they're hidden from his wife. The one he laughs at for saying you have a hard working day looking after little ones with minimal finances. Don't tell me, you share a car and he takes it? He's drinking tonight with ow with his mates on those tightened finances and will leave his car someone, pay for a taxi, get the rounds in..

This thread makes me feel angry reading it. OP I honestly wish I could come and help you out. I can't bare this. Even in the most ludicrous situation that the pearls were a mix up this man is treating you and his dc appallingly.

Please please pleeeeease regain some strength from somewhere, someone to do something about it.

Yolandafarthing · 28/07/2017 16:02

Your husband is emotionally and financially abusive from what you've written here Flowers

FuckYouLinda · 28/07/2017 16:02

he rarely looks after them alone, he likes the highlight reel of having children but he's quite detached in other ways

Depressingly this does not surprise me one iota from what you've described. What is also depressing is that you think this is the norm for men. It really isn't. Each and every man in my extended family can't get enough of seeing their kids when they come home from work or from work trips and have been hands on as much as possible from when their babies were newborn.

Too many things are adding up to an unhappy marriage here. You may never uncover absolute proof but you don't need it to leave an unhappy relationship and you don't need it as justification either.

WhateverNameIsStillAvailable · 28/07/2017 16:07

Did you showed him the pearls?
Sorry if I missed this...
I think it's clear another woman was in his room. Probably booked in as Mr and Mrs xxx. Just from what the receptionist said.
I'd confront him tbh... see how he reacts.
Hope it's nothing but he sounds quite mean .

blackcherries · 28/07/2017 16:09

If you want to fuck with his head, since he's doing a lovely job fucking with yours, send him emails of normal day to day stuff - (maybe pictures of the kids at the park or a drawing they did for daddy) but waay down bottom of the email where he won't look write "pearl necklace" over and over in white font so it's invisible. After a while his google adverts should be...interesting

This is literally the best thing I've ever read on mumsnet