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Original poster

It's not my necklace

999 replies

Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 15:36

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:
NetballHoop · 28/07/2017 07:58

Don't all banks have an online service nowadays? You should be able to check statements online without needing access to the locked drawer.
I'd still want to know what is in the drawer but for now checking the statements is a good start.

TokenGinger · 28/07/2017 08:01

I really don't find the gym stuff weird. I keep a gym bag in the car. When I've used it, I'll bring it in for wash, re-pack it with a fresh kit and towel and put back in the car. It just means if I go to work or am out and about and get a text from a friend to do a class, I don't need to go home first. Or if I've had a particularly stressful day at work and wanna release some tension, I'll go after work unplanned. But if I went home first to get changed, I'd just get in bed 🤣

Rioja123 · 28/07/2017 08:02

You need to confront him, I'm so sorry it really doesn't look great but it's surely better to know the truth.

Icewindfire98 · 28/07/2017 08:04

Token - the weird thing is he's waiting until she's out of the house at the weekend to wash it

C0untDucku1a · 28/07/2017 08:15

Op do you see the gym kit drying?

Ilovetolurk · 28/07/2017 08:28

He is washing his own gym kit because it doesn't smell

Ilovetolurk · 28/07/2017 08:28

As in it's not been used

Cuckingfunt1981 · 28/07/2017 08:29

How u doing op ? Did you manage any sleep ? Hope things seem a bit clearer for you today . Please don't let him away with this . If it were me I'd have immediately asked him if his wife had forgot something at the hotel and waited to see his reaction . His reaction will tell you more than anything if he had a woman in room or worse a prostitue ? You must also get yourself checked out at sti clinic. I'm sorry your going through this op . Xx

splendide · 28/07/2017 08:42

Why are people saying OP needs proof?

You don't need evidence of anything to leave an unhappy marriage.

Brahms3rdracket · 28/07/2017 08:50

At the moment you're not ready to confront him about the necklace, that's understandable after his previous denials. Can you come up with a reason to gain access to your financial documents though? Even simply saying you don't currently have a good idea of what your joint finances look like and want to see them so you can get more involved in future.

It's important that you feel more in control than you've ended up and if he doesn't give you access he's financially abusing you. You're well within your rights to confront him with that fact, without going near the issue of his possible infidelity.

Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 28/07/2017 09:00

Didn't sleep much last night, DD has been kicking off a bit and wanted to come into bed with us so he's left this morning in a foul mood. I asked how we were doing financially because I hoped to take the children out today and he said we have to tighten our belts and children are expensive. I don't know, I go between wanting to believe him with all my heart and just knowing something is so wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 28/07/2017 09:01

Also the way he said it ( about the children) really annoyed me

OP posts:
Onecutefox · 28/07/2017 09:02

He may know the OP has the pearls already if he had to call the hotel. So that's why he is soso comfortable with lending his phone. He has cleaned it.

Last time he was caught. This time he plays a better game. Hope this is not true but then, where do the pearls come from? Eh.

Onecutefox · 28/07/2017 09:03

Children are expensive and so are gifts.

Forgettheworld · 28/07/2017 09:07

You need to speak to him you are driving yourself crazy. If you start snooping or asking/doing things you wouldn't normally he will get suspicious and start clearing his tracks. All these things such as pearls, gym bag, locked draws individually are nothing but together it looks very very dodgy.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/07/2017 09:07

You already know that something is very badly wrong here; he has cheated on you in the past and likely continues to do so. His latest comments re tightening your belts and saying that children are expensive is also another red flag here amongst many. Your children will pick up on all the vibes as well.

BTW did he ever find his debit card?

I would certainly be wanting to get into his den where the financial stuff is kept under lock and key.

You cannot go on as you are, this will simply further eat you up from the inside out.

Mamia15 · 28/07/2017 09:10

This is so much wrong with your situation. Sounds like he's financially abusive as well as a cheater.

You both should have equal access to finances and it looks like you're in the dark on this.....

Brahms3rdracket · 28/07/2017 09:13

I'd offer to take over management of the family finances after that comment. I would also be fuming at a moody comment about the cost of my dcs.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/07/2017 09:15

Attila
Yes he found his debit card.
His debit card was found he'd gone to get coffee and left it in the office building's canteen someone handed it in

OP this is not sounding good about the finances.
When you see him later tell him you want to see all the paperwork.
That you need to understand in-comings and outgoings so you can figure out together, where cuts can be made.
Make it a joint thing you want to do with him to help with money etc....
His response will tell you all you need to know.

MissJC · 28/07/2017 09:26

If it was me I would create a fake Facebook profile and post a picture of the necklace saying you found it in the room as a guest and want to return it to its rightful owner. Share share share the post on for local for sale or swap sites and I'm sure someone will claim it.

qazxc · 28/07/2017 09:27

I'd be suggesting a sit down to examine ingoings/outgoings, bank and card statements, bills, ... To see where you can save money. Any objection to this would be quite telling Imo.

Paperdoll16 · 28/07/2017 09:43

Does he control everything about you?

Goodness.

So he's gone off in a mood because of his DD (the one you're willing to protect by staying with him even though he's annoyed by her presence early am) and expects you to stay in all day during the summer holidays?

Tighten your belts? You sound like you don't actually go anywhere. Yet he stays in multiple hotels (fact) and likely spends money on pearls or at least meals for OW!

You need to get access to those finances. I would break the drawer if I had to. If he kicks off just show him the pearls that the hotel sent to you as per his hotel room.

For people saying OP should just leave; women don't in these situations. She will be in denial and had openly admitted having her head in the sand for an easier life. She needs concrete evidence to give her the push to do something about it.

Op, you mentioned feeling worried about money by leaving and being a single mother. If you have zero access to finances now, you'll actually be hugely better off with benefits, tax credits, maintenance and half of what your deceiving husband has locked in that drawer from you.

Do not put up with this anymore. Flowers

user1486956786 · 28/07/2017 09:48

How do you not know how you guys are doing financially? Do you not keep an eye on this stuff?

paddlenorapaddle · 28/07/2017 09:49

Sorry but I'd crowbar the financial drawer spend the day photocopying everything then when he asked why I'd hand him the pearls and say nothing

Your choice of course but I think the games up anyway that's why you can't find the key ducks in a row this isn't looking good for you at all

CantGetDecentNickname · 28/07/2017 09:55

Children are expensive, so is having OW. As he has criticised your spending you can use this as an excuse (say you were so worried) to get into the locked draws and find his credit card bills. You must copy all the documents before he suspects you have found out and hides them. Don't keep copies at home - leave with a friend. Then see a solicitor. Please move quickly or you are giving him time to get his ducks in a row.

I am sorry as it must be so hard as it is something you didn't want to have happen, but it has. He made it this way - you are not in any way to blame- don't let him offload his guilty feelings onto you so he can feel better - no one held a gun to his head and forced him to do this and he was not a helpless victim or seduction either. You now have to deal with it or you and your children will loose out. He is cheating on them too in a way.

I wish you the best of luck Flowers