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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's not my necklace

999 replies

Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 15:36

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 03/08/2017 15:59

Don't rush to respond. He can always wait.

When are you seeing a solicitor?

Alfiemoon1 · 03/08/2017 16:00

Why only ds was he closer to ds than dd? How old are dc? Are they asking to him?

DoIDontIhavethetalk · 03/08/2017 16:03

OP

I'm playing devils advocate here but think carefully about what you do about access to the children.

Whilst there are new laws about coercive control the courts are still grappling about how to use those new laws with many judges poorly trained (and even entrenched in old ways of thinking about gender roles) in it.

Get as much evidence together as you can think of but be very wary about refusing to offer any contact at all. Speak with your solicitor.

I cannot emphasise this enough: if you have to communicate with him only do it in writing. He's made threats verbally to you with regards to his opinions on your mental health and with his intentions on what he believes the way forward with custody it. Hopefully the fuckwit will trip himself up in writing.

Mrscropley · 03/08/2017 16:06

Don't let him divide your dc while you are left with the fall out of why one is left behind.

Unless he is prepared to offer suitable contact for both dc ignore ignore ignore. .

happypoobum · 03/08/2017 16:09

I am not 100% convinced he won't take them to be honest, and then OP will have to prove she isn't mad to get them back.

Not that I believe he wants 100% custody, but I am suspicious he might try something like this to fuck her up and bring her to heel.

Have you seen a solicitor yet OP? I would respond saying "I am sure we can come to an arrangement regarding access to the children. I will discuss it with my solicitor and get back to you as soon as possible."

Hissy · 03/08/2017 16:13

Don't respond.

Why would he want to see one child only?

AcrossthePond55 · 03/08/2017 16:18

I wouldn't respond until after you've seen the solicitor and secured something legally enforceable where he agrees to times and to return the children.. You can always claim you turned your phone off because you were so upset.

I would also go under the assumption that he's already seen one or will be very shortly. Men like that usually seek legal advice of their own.

BewareOfDragons · 03/08/2017 16:20

I wouldn't respond yet either. Ask your solicitor for wording to WRITE to him about arranging contact.

UnicornSparkles1 · 03/08/2017 16:21

Don't respond. Ask your solicitor to write to him on your behalf. Make it all very official.

yetmorecrap · 03/08/2017 16:24

Out of interest OP, is your H British?? You may have said and I may have missed this as it's a long thread, it is pertinent if you think there is a possibility he might take DC out the country or outside the EU at least

DoIDontIhavethetalk · 03/08/2017 16:29

The thing with legally enforceable contact arrangements is this: unless there is a power of arrest attached to the order if an abusive ex partner decides not to return the children the police will not get involved. Yes, all orders have a penal notice attached to them but that is a very different thing.

I offered supervised visitation only in the interim period between not having and order and having an interim order. No power of arrest was attached to it because I believed a penal notice was enough - I am now regretting that decision not to insist on a POA being attached.

AgathaF · 03/08/2017 16:30

Would your mum let him visit both of the children at her house? You could be out or upstairs out of the way, but she could be present to make sure he acts appropriately and doesn't needlessly upset them. That way he can't accuse you of denying him access, but you have the security of knowing your mum is around when he visits.

lilforest · 03/08/2017 16:39

Op speak to your solicitor. This was one of your previous posts...

he said I was mad and wouldn't be allowed to keep the children because of my mental health

This is ringing alarm bells for me as to what his intentions are. Also what kind of prick would only want to see one child?

**

UnicornsandRainbows1 · 03/08/2017 16:58

I've read this thread through but can't remember if you mentioned the DCs ages at all. Is DS the youngest by any chance? Saying that who would want to see one child but not the other?! I don't even want to think about how left out that would make your DD feel Hmm

JaneEyre70 · 03/08/2017 17:03

Don't agree to anything until you've seen a solicitor.

Chewiecat · 03/08/2017 17:05

Stay strong op, for your children sake. Flowers they need you now more than ever.

Maybe a good idea to get tested for stds as well?

MidnightVelvetthe7th · 03/08/2017 17:16

Bravo OP, very well done, very well done indeed! Looks as though his clockwife wife is not as downtrodden as he thought!

You're doing so well, I know it feels utterly shit but at some point you will get angry & think 'how dare he' & that anger will carry you through. See your solicitor about access & about money.

Stay strong sweetheart, he will be getting legal advice too & he will say all sorts of bollocks to try to scare you/make you go back/make you think you can't do without him, its all a load of complete twaddle. I'm glad your mum came through for you :) don't agree to anything, you don't have to do whatever he tells you & his happiness is no longer your concern.

Either ignore him or repeat that he will be hearing from your solicitor.

Well done, you are so brave & you have done exactly the right thing xxx

Orangetoffee · 03/08/2017 17:21

OP says in her first post that DS is 5 and DD is 2

Agree with PP, don't reply and seek advice from your solicitor.

UnicornsandRainbows1 · 03/08/2017 17:32

Thank you @Orangetoffee! Smile

That just makes this whole thing even more bizarre. I was thinking well maybe he'll try and get the youngest out to try and swoop his side of the situation over or something.

Whatever you're doing OP, keep doing it. It might not seem like it but you're doing so, so well from where you were a few moments ago!

Msqueen33 · 03/08/2017 18:03

Odd he only wants to see his son and I wouldn't let him unless supervised as he could do a runner. Are you in the UK and both British? I'm sure you said you were American. I also wouldn't want him around the kids given his comments about your mental health. He sounds like an utter arsehole!

Orangetoffee · 03/08/2017 18:08

Also he happily leaves them in your sole care when he goes on his business trips, so what is different now?

RTKangaMummy · 03/08/2017 18:09

Do the children have passports already?

Are they at the house still?

ProphetOfDoom · 03/08/2017 18:09

DS only because he's older and easier to manage...and manipulate?

Easier to withhold one child not two? (Cynical)

If visitation/access goes ahead - via solicitor letter - ensure it's for both children. Since he does no childcare he needs to feel the full force of it - means he won't be so keen to fight for equal access.

Fairenuff · 03/08/2017 18:33

Don't respond. He has already started the games. The less you are drawn in, the better. For you and your children. Just ignore him for now and take legal advice.

NettleTea · 03/08/2017 18:35

I agree in not responding. You dont have to give him access, and certainly not for just one child. He hasnt shown to be trustworthy and has already suggested that you are mentally unstable. Just because he says he wants doesnt follow that he gets.

The kids need calm and stability, and until you get a move on srting your future out, that means no confusing to and fro-ing seperately from each other.