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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's not my necklace

999 replies

Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 27/07/2017 15:36

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:
user1497991628 · 02/08/2017 23:15

I know how you feel 💐

Try tea with sugar, even if you don't usually take it.

Chocolate milk, bovril, complan: anything to keep you going.

Buy a sandwich and just eat half. Easier than making something.

Farmerswife4life1984 · 02/08/2017 23:24

My heart is breaking for you . Please don't ring or contact him . You are worth so much more . Him not even asking about the children shows what kind of ( was gunna say man) weasel he is . Please stay strong and resist texting or making any kind of contact. He will need you before you need him xxx

Xoticdreamz · 03/08/2017 00:59

I hope you are reading all the words these ladies are giving you and keep in mind however hard this is .. it is a phase that you will get through and be happier at the end off .
There is no happiness in keeping suspicious thoughts and predending things are okay which is what you have been carrying for ages.
I expect he knows that nothing he says or does is going to get him out of this which is why he is silent.
You however have the moral ground and the children to give you strength and purpose.

user1494423075 · 03/08/2017 02:04

You have done amazing!!! You should be so proud of yourself & how well you handled this! Flowers he is a complete prick! Clearly his bit of skirt meant more to him than his own kids! Disgusting. I'm sure the thought of being a single parent is daunting, but honestly you will be amazed at how strong it makes you. Good luck! Xxx

MilesHuntsWig · 03/08/2017 02:39

Stay strong. He's an abusive bully and you're doing brilliantly.

Diaply · 03/08/2017 02:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Jg1 · 03/08/2017 05:19

@Diaply

Really? Seriously??

Go away and badger someone else's thread.

Or better still, just FUCK OFF!

Angry Angry Angry

crazyhorses3 · 03/08/2017 06:34

i've just caught up on this and feel truly appalled. You have done so, so well to gather the courage to face the truth here. Im so glad your Mum stepped up and gave you the support you so desperately need. This man is just so unbelievably unpleasant. If i were you I would never want to see or speak to him ever again. I can understand your wanting all this to be a bad dream, but it's better to know the truth and accept the facts. It will take time as it must be such a massive shock for you, I can't even imagine what you must be feeling. Just take one step at a time and be loving to yourself. You are not responsible in any way shape or form for what this piece of utter shit has done to you. No wonder you had post natal depression living with him. He seems to have no real regard for you , respect or empathy. In fact, I have to say he sounds like a psychopath. You are well out of this marriage. You will get out of this hellish nightmare, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just take it a step at a time and get some counselling if you can afford it. You need somewhere to talk to someone impartial , some support for yourself outside this circus. Take courage, you will be fine in the end. If i were you I would change my phone number and cut all contact with him apart from communication through your solicitor. He is a controlling bastard and i hope he gets what's coming to him.

ShotsFired · 03/08/2017 07:03

@Diaply reported.

shoeaddict83 · 03/08/2017 07:39

Diaply reported too. Have you no shame hijacking the thread of someone needing help?? disgusting

Chocolatteandbiscuits · 03/08/2017 07:56

I've reported too. Seems this posters is posting on every possible thread desperate for people to give them money for this gofundme. Bloody insensitive!

Chocolatteandbiscuits · 03/08/2017 07:58

Anyway fool how are you this morning?

hellsbellsmelons · 03/08/2017 08:24

I'm sure I said it earlier and say this all the time.
Food is not easy to get down.
I couldn't swallow anything solid.
Sugary tea.
Ice lollies.
Soups if you can.
Just keep your sugar levels up.
Please block him for now.
Stressing about him morning calling is making you worse.
This is the exact reason it's advised to block early on.
Ignore him.
Do not be tempted to contact him.
Be as strong as you can be for you DC.
But you are allowed to fall apart.

Wallywobbles · 03/08/2017 08:57

The next 6 months are going to be bloody hard.

He is working on your fears very effectively. He wants to make you believe you cannot cope because then he has power over you. No court is going to give 100% of the kids to him but he needs you to think they will. So he's going to do everything he can to make you believe that will happen, because then you'll have to go back and then he'll have even more power because you've given him the right to treat you like this by going back to it.

You need to sort out your depression so get yourself to the doctor. Get some meds and an appointment for counseling.

You need to get more than one solicitors appointment. The 4th one I saw was the one that worked for me.

For your lawyer appointments:

You need to makes short timeline.

You need to have a little think about what you want in an ideal world in terms of the children, housing, money, what are deal breakers, and what is a reasonable middle ground. Make a list with three columns.

You need to get a locksmith over to the house and take all the paperwork. You probably ought to copy it and put it back. But I'm not sure of the legals on that one. I would look to do this as a priority.

Then:
You need to do some reading to help you understand and get through the first bit.
So the freedom program online is £10 and a good place to start.
The left bagage (cant find what it's really called?) site

Read why does he do that by Lundy. It'll prepare you for what's coming.
Read the Script on here.

Good luck. I was divorced from an utter cunt aged 37. Got remarried aged 45 to the kindest man in the world.

AgathaF · 03/08/2017 09:22

I've just read through the thread this morning. You've been through a horrible experience and had to confront some deeply ingrained behaviours and beliefs from your past at the same time. You're doing so well to have taken your courage in your hands and searched for the evidence you needed. I'm so pleased your mum is being so good. I really hope you are getting some financial and legal advice. He's had a whole other life going on - believe that he will engage the best help he can get to screw you over. You need to be on your guard and proactive.

LilyRose16 · 03/08/2017 10:04

Please listen to the advice you are getting, especially from @hellsbellsmelons , she always gives great advice Flowers

Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 03/08/2017 10:48

Thank you so much everyone I am keeping it together with sweet tea and feel a bit better this morning. The depression is still so crushing but I am getting so angry for the children it's helping me through it.

The photos were a mixed bag, two were those more professional 'boudoir' type shots. Some were grainy and more pornographic and maybe taken off a phone? there's a couple of awful ones where the taker was clearly inside the woman and taking the photo from behind. Others look printed from a web page or something and cut out.

The more I think about the drawer the more I get freaked out.

OP posts:
RTKangaMummy · 03/08/2017 11:18

Please block scum's phone number on your mobile

ProphetOfDoom · 03/08/2017 13:41

It's hard to process. Discovery of explicit texts & photos are a visual punch to the gut. I would also wager they're seriously unsexy and as crass & vile as he is. With distance you might appreciate they were comically bad/can rip the piss out of him.

And good you're starting to feel the burn of anger. Your dcs are innocent and certainly don't deserve a father who kept them without and can only think to use them to threaten you. He's treated you shamefully too and you don't deserve any of it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/08/2017 13:52

Sorry you are in this situation OP what a low-life. Of course now he has been caught out he is being vicious and lashing out.

Wallywobbles mentioned upthread:
You need to do some reading to help you understand and get through the first bit.
So the freedom program online is £10 and a good place to start.
The left bagage (cant find what it's really called?) site

That would be
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk

happypoobum · 03/08/2017 13:57

I agree
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk
pretty much saved me from a breakdown.

You can do this OP, just give yourself time. Be kind to yourself.

You have spent years thinking this man is worth it, that he is something special, and now you have to face that he is a piece of filth. It's so much to process, but you will get there.

Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 03/08/2017 15:51

He's been in touch this afternoon, text me to say can he see DS

OP posts:
Original poster
Foolmeoncefoolmetwice · 03/08/2017 15:51

I can't stop him seeing him can I? He didn't mention our daughter!

OP posts:
crazyhorses3 · 03/08/2017 15:54

Yes you bloody well can! Why would you want that reptile round your children? Wait till the court sort out access arrangements and if I were you I would make sure he doesn't see them without supervision if possible. He will probably start on trying to convince them you are the wicked witch. Why one child and not the other, anyway?

ShotsFired · 03/08/2017 15:57

Can your mum facilitate the visit. You can be elsewhere as he is of no relevance or interest to you now!