It's not my necklace

[Foolmeoncefoolmetwice]

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

@Foolmeoncefoolmetwice I hope you are ok? Have you spoken yet with a solicitor?

He will try to bait you back. He'll systematically press each and every one of your buttons until he presses the one that gives him the response he desires.

He knows your weakness (your children) he'll use this against you. Be very careful if he asks/demands to take them out - he might not return them and use them as the bait to get you back.

Very bad night and day, just completely crippled by depression and anxiety. He still hasn't called, not even to ask to see the children. It's like he's just dropped us and I don't have enough adrenaline to keep me going, I feel completely hollowed out. Only eaten some cereal in the last couple of days but I can't force any more food down.

I've printed everything out for my appointment but looking at it I don't think I'll ever know the extent of his secrets. I'm dying inside and just want him to call and tell me this is some terrible mistake or bad dream.

I've been following this thread but haven't posted before.

OP you are doing amazingly well. The feeling of emptiness will pass and you'll see what an absolute bastard that man has been and how much better off you and yor kids are without him.

Sending lots & lots of cyber support

This is just shock - you will rally but you do need to try to eat.

You don't need to know the extent of his secrets, it won't benefit you. You just instruct the solicitor and they will sort it all out for you. They will communicate with him. If he doesn't want to see the DC then fine, nothing you can do about that, you just move on without him. He isn't the man or the husband you thought he was. That person doesn't exist.

This is why you feel so bereft. It's like a bereavement.

If you call him he will laugh his fucking head off at you. Sorry to be cruel but you need to stay away from this monster.

Try to find your anger OP. It will help. He is a shit. A first class shit. He hasn't even bothered to ask to speak to his children.

All he cares about is himself. All he will ever do is what is good for him. He doesn't care who he hurts as long he gets what he wants. In fact, he likes hurting others because it makes them do what he wants.

You don't need to speak to him. If he does call, don't answer. It's time for you to call the shots now.

Hi Foolmeoncefoolmetwice I don't usually post but I am a serial lurker coming out the woodwork to say for your mental health, happiness and that of your children's you MUST stay strong now and don't contact this sorry excuse of a man If you do it will put him in a position of strength over you and you will regret it for the rest of your life

All my thoughts are with you

Also been following but not posted. OP you are doing fantastic. I totally understand this hollow and empty feeling and the need for him to call and the need to know the full story.

But you have to find your anger. Even if it's faked. Even if it's a facade. Do it. Get angry and get moving. Eventually it will become real and each day, hour and minute will get easier I promise it will.

Go hug your kids, take a deep breath and get some food in your stomach even if you have to force it.

You can do this - you've already done the hardest bit!

OP, I know you probably feel completely crap at the moment, but please also find some space to feel proud of yourself. You've come from a background that's pretty much encouraged you to let this man walk all over you, and you've still managed to assert yourself and leave him. I've no doubt he's shocked you've done it, that his refusing to call you is a power game, and that he's expecting you to go back and quite possibly apologise for making a big deal out of nothing. That's how he thinks of the relationship between the two of you. You're going to show not just him, but more importantly your children, that that isn't what a relationship should be, and that you don't have to put up with this horrible treatment from him. You're going to be fine. Just think of the future you and your children deserve.

This is exactly how he wants you to feel. He's kept you in the dark and completely dependant on him. Your entire marriage thus far has revolved around him. Of course you are going to feel lost. These feelings will NOT last forever. (I know it doesn't feel that way now)

He wants you to chase him - then he'll have the upper hand again! Read up on the silent treatment - it causes the recipricant actual physical pain.

He will make contact. When he does, don't respond straight away. He'll be the one constantly checking his phone for a reply. Leave at least 4 hrs. Let him play the waiting game.

OP. What you're feeling is normal. I promise you, it may not seem like it right now, but you WILL pull through this. Get yourself into some talking therapy if you can.

If he contacts you and you relent and go back to him will things ever be the same? Will you be able to trust him? And what about the agrssion he has started to show now that he knows the game is up? Trust me when I say that that side of him is omnipresent and now some of the power has shifted in the form of you knowing that part of him will come out more readily in the future in an effort to shift all the power back to him.

You are putting yourself and your children at risk if you slide backwards now.

You are worthy. He is NOT worthy of you.

It's all easier said than done but write that down as a mantra, stick it in your phone case and get it out and read it every single time you feel yourself wishing for your old life with him (which was a complete and utter lie)

Some really good advice in several posts above. I echo what Collidascope said about being proud of having flown in the face of you background to walk out. You have done so well. Also what everyone is saying about how his silence is supposed to throw you off balance. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Don't worry about how you are going to keep going for weeks, months and years. Just focus on today. Each day is a victory and quite long enough to be going on with. Remember as well that the highs from seeing these women is like a drug. Right now he is thinking like an addict, only about that. Your job is to protect yours and your children's future. Just keep your eyes on that and try and get some sleep and food. You will probably feel in a fog for weeks, but it will get better, I promise. And when it does it will reach new highs of better that you previously could not have imagined. It will be worth it. Get your Mum to give you plenty of hugs from all of us.

Could you block his number?

If you don't feel strong enough for that give your mobile to your mum and ask her to lock it in her car?

When you are feeling like you want to speak to him read the beginning of the thread and remind yourself how you felt when you had the necklace and then when you got the drawer open

I haven't been thru anything like this personally so I may be saying the wrong thing

Sending you and your children {{{{{{cyberhugs}}}}}}

Well that bull about being worried about your mental health has proven to be a ploy to unnerve you.

If he was really that concerned he would have rung to find out how his kids are not this radio silence.

Remove yourself from his game and look after yourself and your babies.

If not able to block him

---- could you change ringtone to a silent one? That way you won't know he is ringing

He won't want to see the kids because he knows deep down how hard it is to be a parent - he delegated that to you

He has zero chance of being the RP - don't fret over that - he's using them as a weapon against you

If he suggests it again - just say well let the courts decide -

OP your life has been turned upside down and inside out, it's no wonder you're struggling. Right now you will be craving comfort and normality, you're hurting and it's totally understandable that your instinct is to want what's familiar. Trouble is, even if you go back you can't 'go back', you can't un-know what you know and things would never be the same again.

Living that life, the one where you can't trust him and every second you stay with him your self worth diminishes a little more, for years potentially has to be worse than going through this (admittedly horrendous but short term in the grand scheme of things) grieving process.

This bit honestly is the worst of it, it will only get better from here if you can just stick it out until the shock recedes and your fighting spirit starts to reappear. Do you have anyone you can really talk to? I know you have DM but not sure how open you can be with her about your feelings.

Try and eat op I find snacking on fruit helps u need to keep your strength up for your dc

Right now you are in shock. That's why you want him to ring with a 'believable' explanation. There isn't one and deep down you know that.
His secret life wouldn't have been hidden away if there was an innocent explanation.
You need to put one foot in front of the other and do what you absolutely need to, to keep you and the kids functioning and then eventually you will find your anger.
That's when you wipe the floor with him.

I hope your mum is minding you. I remember feeling physically cold and teeth chattering for weeks after. Your mind must be going round in circles. You would not be normal if you didn't feel shocked and anxious.

Sweetheart, shock & bereavement for the marriage/life you had feels this way. It actually physically hurts inside and your brain currently can't switch off from it all.

Of course you want your husband to say it'll all be ok and it was a dreadful mistake, idk what I was thinking and to make this horribleness go away. But he can't because he caused this awfulness. He is an unfaithful cunt.

That man you love only exists in your construction of him because you are loving and devoted and generous.

If in any doubt look at his actions. The real him is the one in the photos that made you throw up. He is the one stomped on the vows of fidelity, to honour, love & cherish you. And this is no aberration. His has cheated before and there were women plural in the photos. This is the man who's threatened your dcs on the phone to hurt you; the man who's exposed you to STIs; has financially abused you by telling you you had no money and this kept you and dcs without; the man who's made you doubt yourself to the point you believe what he says about your mental health. Look at his ACTIONS. I do not know what drives these kind of men to be so relentlessly cruel and such utter utter bastards but I do know that no woman should put up with such cruelty.

We get how you feel, we really do which is why the MN lovely vipers are offering their advice, their words of strength and love to you. Because sure we can be objective behind a screen - which is to your benefit actually - but rest assured we do understand and many of us have lived it/are living it and we know there is a better life for you to come. You just have to believe it too. And it happens one minute, hour and day at a time. There are women and no doubt chaps too, some present on the thread, some lurking, who are willing you strength and support and love xx

You can go to literally any super market to get photos printed. There are even apps that will print your photos and send them to you. It couldn't be easier to get "physical photos" printed.
Thankyou, are there really places where you can't get photos developed?
There are 3 places just in my small shopping place!

Writerwannabe83 boots and max you can print the photos yourself, they don't even look unless you ask for help.

Good luck O P and stay strong.
You're doing great and don't worry about his empty threats, you're the main carer and your PND is in the past.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. He is a flaming fucking asshole who will get his. I hope you take him for every penny he's got and he loses every friend he has. He is a loser, he will lose everything and have a horrible miserable life. You have your beautiful children, you are a good kind person and you can look in the mirror and respect yourself. Read this website, it will help you www.chumplady.com

Stay strong.

Oh goodness, I've just caught up. I am so sorry. Take care of yourself, and sending strength for the meeting with the solicitor.

Every time you feel the urge to have contact with him, please remember what he has done to you and your children. This man is the scum of the earth and you deserve so much better. Stay strong x