It's not my necklace

[Foolmeoncefoolmetwice]

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

When he realises you aren't going to just roll over like you did before, he will eventually tell you he is going to kill himself.

This is just another phase of the script.

Every time he says this you hang up and call for an ambulance. He will soon stop.

Then he will turn really nasty as in, you ain't seen nothing yet......

What's the script?

Judging by your pearl test shots they aren't real and mum says they aren't either. I guess I'm a sucker for fake jewels, they looked real to me :/ but apparently are too consistent and don't have the real texture.

I feel helpless when I think about his disgusting drawer so I'm focusing as much as I can on making sure my children don't have to grow up with him, thanks to everyone who said how much staying and being walked all over was showing them bad patterns in a relationship, it helps, even if I feel broken I can stop them being hurt by the cycle.

It's like an out of body experience and happened so fast you crave what's familiar. Even if it's bad familiar.

There's a concept about letting go of an ex - that you go no contact for 30 days - and I think that would be very good for you. It's not easy, I won't lie. When you've been so controlled it's also alien to suddenly not be.

You're also in a state of shock. All those things take some getting used to.

But listen up: you were right. Your every instinct spoke true. You gave that marriage every chance. And when it was time you took action. Your husband is wrong: you have a steely core running through you. Maybe it's because you're a mother and you have dcs to protect. Or maybe you're just stronger than you know.

My other piece of advice: move fast with the solicitor. He's the weak one right now for all his blustery threats and cold silence. So now is the time to press advantage. And that he learns you are one with whom he does not fuck.

Great post Prophet, one to read in weak moments Foolme

You're doing brilliantly. Stay strong.
Don't let him worm back

His silent treatment will be looked upon badly I think. Has he asked after the children? He doesn't seemed to be concerned about seeing them, its poor behaviour on his part.

He's trying to take some kind of control by withholding communication. You must carry on regardless, and when he does call, speak to him on your terms, not his.

For the Script have a look at The Midlife Club website.
I can't see the link there now but there is one part as if it's being written for the man.
It's tongue in cheek and once you've been through it, it becomes quite amusing.
It won't be for you right now but it will give you a heads up on what to expect in the near future.
I have it in word doc so will try to PM you.

I'm glad you are back, OP. I was worried when they took the post down.

What are you even going to say if he calls?

Why do you want to speak to him, do you think there is anything he can say to excuse his actions?

He will just blame you for everything and make you feel even worse.

He should call to ask to speak to his children though.

The script is a list of common manipulations used by lying cheating arseholes.
Such as:
Denial, you are mistaken, mentally ill,...
Minimizing it was only a kiss, once, I was drunk, it didn't mean anything, ....
Grovelling, I am sorry, suicidal, will get help, ....
Blame, I was unhappy, you didn't give what ow did, you put on weight, you took care of children and neglected me,..
Guilt trip you are breaking up the family, I will hurt myself, you are taking my children away from me,...
Threats, I will take the kids off you, throw you out if the house, not pay maintenance, etc...
Putting you down, nobody else will want you,.....
There are more but you get the gist.

He's testing you by using the same usual emotional withdrawal he has always done- his clockwork wife has always been predictable and he thinks you will crumble soon and go back.

Stay strong. Lean on your mum; it sounds like she's going to be grand for you now.

Whatever you do DO NOT message him about anything! He will eventually need to contact you if he's any kind of father.

So sorry it has turned out like this op. So glad u have dm support. He is not contacting u either to punish u or in the hope it will blow over in a few days. Stay strong x

OP - I get that you're feeling lost at sea, rejected, unloved - I went through that too. Please trust me when I say ride it through and the scales will fall from your eyes I mean it. Whilst I didn't have the cheating I did have the gaslighting for several years plus rages for a year (he's already raged at you to try to wheedle his way out of losing control of having you just how he likes you). If he's anything like my ex (and they are all fundamentally the same) assault will be next. If I'd stayed after the second time I'm pretty sure it would have only been a matter of time before I was carried out of my own home in a body bag. That final assault was after 6 weeks of seeing he was beginning to lose his emotional control over me. I then stupidly dropped the non-mol order and asked for him back. Fortunately it didn't happen.

Do not take him back. Don't do it. Ride through that her vacuum you are currently finding yourself in.

And, block his number - that way you are not waiting for him to contact you. If he needs to converse with you he can do it trough a solicitor. It will honestly be a much shorter road to recovery if you do that. Please get yourself a telephone appointment with women's aid and see if you can get yourself a domestic violence support worker - mine is worth her weight in gold.

I'd block his number and tell him all correspondence has to be Via email. At least you then have concrete proof of whatever crap he try's to come out with! Do you really want to speak to him? He has belittled you, withheld affection and support and used money to fund his sick ways all the while leaving you and the kids short. Put it in the hands of a solicitor and divorce him! Let him chase for contact and don't give in to him at all about anything!

So sorry this has happened to you, but glad you are now in the driving seat. When you weaken, just force yourself to think about that drawer, and of your kids growing up in a house with filth like that in it. Like other posters have said, I hope his trophies are of nothing 'worse' than infidelities, but that's something you can take advice on at a later date - maybe show police, especially if the homemade porn was violent. One good thing is that your relationship with your mother is recovering. That's a wonderful thing. But remember you're doing this... strong, valuable you. We are all on your side. x

The rages and withdrawal are because he is MAD he is losing his influence over you.
Definitely contact CMS by phone tomorrow, you need to set up your own bank details, tell the child benefit people your new bank details too.
It must depend on the bank - I telephoned Lloyd's to check, then just turned up and closed the joint account, it was only me to sign to close it as it was only one person to sign cheques too.

@Foolmeoncefoolmetwice Judging by your pearl test shots they aren't real and mum says they aren't either. I guess I'm a sucker for fake jewels, they looked real to me :/

Hardly makes you a sucker for anything! I wouldn't have had a clue either, I bet most people wouldn't!

Re the struggle you are having about wanting to contact home. What about this:

Write his number on a piece of paper, seal it in an envelope and give to your mum to hide. Then block him on every channel possible (perhaps give your mum's no as emergency/set up a specific email account which she has password to and can monitor? cheatingshithead@... for example).

Then if he wants to ask after the kids, mum can handle that contact. If he wants to be even more of a bastard to you, your mum can gatekeep tell him to fuck off

You are not disallowing him genuine contact, you are just managing him. You need to remove his ability to affect you so it "wears off". Give that burden to someone strong enough for a while, you have enough to deal with love.

I'm so sorry it's come to this, OP. I know you might not feel it but you're being incredibly strong right now. Don't contact him, whatever you do - he's a nasty, manipulative cheating bastard and he isn't the man you thought he was any more. Get moving on the legals ASAP and don't give an inch x

Where the photos violent or could you see the girls faces and they were ok?
The more I think about it the more I also worry what those trophies mean.
They are trophies - any belongings of an ow would have been returned immediately or thrown away.
Prostitutes are the most likely explanation to all this

I agree with trying to reframe your narrative in your head where you want him to apologize - this all go away and your family back together and happy again. That can't happen now - it really can't - and the faster you accept that the better you willl do

Keep being strong and totally agree block his number and only communicate by email but don't message him and when he does email delay replying

Have the bank been able to help you? Please transfer all of money from joint account, change passwords on any of your own accounts to something totally random like 65087@42864&goiduylve!!! So that he can't guess it

Also all of your email accounts and FB and MN and anything else you do online

Keep going one hour at a time, then a day at a time etc etc

You are doing amazingly well OP. You will be so surprised at your inner strength. Take a day at a time and know that we've all got you and are here to offer you words of strength and encouragement.

You're very strong, even if you don't feel it.
He's ignoring you purposely.
Stay strong.

Shame on the people who called op a troll