It's not my necklace

[Foolmeoncefoolmetwice]

Hi I'm new here and I don't usually do forums but I just don't know where else to ask about this now. I've been sitting on it so long and I think I might be going a bit mad

I hope this isn't too long. Backstory is husband and I have been together 9 years, we have a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter, he's a good husband and consistent if a bit distant father due to his long hours. No real problems with us aside from the occasional grind of general family life, although we did work through an incident of him kissing another woman when DS was a baby and he sent some flirty texts to a colleague too but it was years ago.

About a month ago my husband went on a business trip, gave me the address of the place he was staying and I didn't bat an eye, he goes on them several times a year, usually a couple of nights at a time. Day after he came back he went to work as usual and rang me from the office in a panic asking if he'd left his debit card at home. It wasn't here and he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen it.

I had the idea of calling the hotel to ask if they'd found it cleaning, the lady on reception was very nice and said 'oh mrs X you must be calling about your necklace, we found it In the bathroom how lucky for you it would have been such a shame to lose such lovely pearls!' I didn't know what to say really and my mind went sort of numb, so I just said thank you and could they possibly post it to me since I was several counties away and she said fine.

So it was posted to my house. I have it in the bedroom, it's a beautiful string of real pearls, it looks like something a queen would wear. I haven't said a word about it to him. Whenever I think about it I get all dizzy and feel I might be sick but I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've had any suspicions about him. I don't know if I want to know but it's making me crazy. I also don't know if I could break up our family, the thought makes me want to vomit.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I know my head is in the sand but I honestly don't know what to do.

You can withdraw your permission for the account to be used and then it has to be frozen.

In the end I told him that if he didn't sign I'd wait for payday and withdraw every penny. That worked a treat! He signed the next day.

Regarding the infamous pearls:

Hold one or two pearls between your thumb and forefinger and press them gently into the biting edge of your front teeth. Rub them against your teeth with a side-to-side motion. A real pearl will usually have a slightly rough or gritty texture from tiny scale-like imperfections in its outer layers of nacre.
www.wikihow.com/Tell-if-a-Pearl-Is-Real

He hasn't been in contact since yesterday and its driving me to breaking point. I think this is what he wants though as before when I've upset him he's withdrawn affection from me and the children until I apologised and I'm guessing this is part of the same pattern.

Mum has told the children they are having a little summer holiday at hers and they seem ok so far but DS asked if daddy was coming on holiday too :( although he seemed to accept 'daddy is at work' DD is actually less clingy today and seems happy to play.

Mum and I had a long talk where she said she'd support me whatever my decision and was sorry about some things that happened in the past. I understand a bit more now about why she was so adamant about how I was raised and I think we both have some work to do around that. My father was a very controlling 'religious patriarch' type man and I didn't appreciate how trapped she was herself.

I've made an appointment with a solicitor but I don't feel strong I'm just desperate for him to call :(

Will he try and explain? Do you want to hear that? Will he try and deny everything he thinks you know? Do you want to hear that?

I think you are right, he's following his pattern as you've mentioned - don't buckle. You need to be strong. You have the support of your DM (AND US).

How dare he do this to you!!

I get that desperate feeling OP but actually, what can he say that's going to make you feel any better/different? It's better that he leaves you alone, you need headspace and time to let what's happened sink in. Make a decision in your own mind now that you are in charge of what happens next, don't let his silence make you feel that you're waiting for him to make the next move. This is your journey now and it's time he got a taste of someone else making choices which affect him without involving or consulting him at all, after all that's what he's been doing to you for god knows how long. Stay strong, sending love and strength

When you do see/speak to him, remember to say 'thank you so much for helping make it easier by not contacting me.'

He is deliberately giving you the cold shoulder, it's a manipulation tactic. He is actually trying to break you. Read that back to yourself. This man, your husband, the person who should be always on your side, trustworthy and honourable, has been fucking other women, using family money, keeping you short, possibly exposing you to disease, and is now trying to cause an issue with your mental health.

You cannot possibly want to hear from him. You cannot believe a word he says. See the solicitor and take it from there.

You have spent so long thinking he holds all the cards, you cannot see that now it is you who holds all the cards and he is secretly shitting himself. What an utter cunt he is.

agreed, this is punishment.

and he will be thinking up lies...

Keep going OP, you will be OK, we're here for you

Foolme - ask yourself why you're desperate for him to call, especially since his last phonecall to you was anything but pleasant.
Do you think he's going to have had a change of heart?
Do you think he's going to beg forgiveness, and ask you to come home and he'll be a model husband from now on? I mean, he might do this (doubtful) but do you actually think he would become a model husband from now on? (EXTREMELY doubtful)

What are you hoping for from a phonecall from him?

Because it would be wise for you to downgrade your expectations quite dramatically, or you're going to be continually disappointed.

One thing I learnt from my break-up with my ex-fiancé many years ago is that they continually go further below the lowest point that you think they ever would. So your best bet, to avoid continual disappointment, is to ALWAYS expect the worst from them. That way, you're less likely to be shocked and more likely to be prepared when they completely fulfil, and exceed, your low expectations.

Be strong op!

That desperation to hear from him could be desperation to be told what to think and how you are allowed to feel.

You've spent so long having him control your priorities and feelings, your mind will take a while to adjust to thinking and feeling for itself without reference to what he thinks.

The thing to realise is this:

He loves you on his terms. He does not love you unconditionally.

Once you see that you will no longer crave his approval because you will understand that that will only come if you compromise yourself. And what sort of life is that?

You would be best off getting a CMS claim in early. They'll date any maintenance from the point you contact them.

Yes, he's using 'the silent treatment' to punish AND intimidate you. So you use it for contemplation and planning.

Try to concentrate on the actual peace of it. No fear of him giving you 'that look', no walking on eggshells trying not to say the wrong thing. Not having to keep the children quiet or rush around making sure the house is spotless.

Use this time to draw up a list of questions for the solicitor as to how much in maintenance you can expect and the options for the house (if you own/buying). Also ask what usually happens as far as access goes. Try to have a list of his income, any benefits and the expenses of running the house. If you don't have this information because he's kept it from you, don't worry. Solicitors are well used to that.

wtf "are you feeling ok?"
"well now you mention it I have recently been coming down with some sort of condition where I hallucinate bank statements, that must be it!"
The things they try on.

What a bastard!!
He should be grovelling not hiding!!
I assume you will have to go home for supplies at some point and actually you and the children should be at home he should have the decency to fuck off and let you home

You are doing so well op. I'm glad you have the support of your mum. The desperation for him to call is a result of years of control. What you are doing now in standing up for yourself is setting a better relationship template for your children.

Didnt want to read and run! This sounds awful, stay strong and dont let the bastard grind you down!

xxxx

Oh OP he's a snake

The "Are you feeling okay" is classic classic gaslighting. he's not even trying to be subtle about it.

You have this OP, I know you do. You are stronger and braver than you think. Don't listen to his bullshit about taking the kids away. He's just trying to push your buttons and he knows which ones to press. But it's just that, bullshit and bluster.

WELL DONE op. You don't have to feel strong but you are definitely BEING strong and that is the important thing.

Think about what you are doing for your kids: showing them they can be free of controlling relationships. Keep going keep going.

I'm glad you have your support back.
If he does call... please ignore it or get your mum to answer it.
Let him stew just as he's making you do.
Anything he has to say will be pure bullshit anyway so it's best you don't talk to him at the moment.
Not until you get your head around all of this.

Hope your ok. I'm glad you have found support in RL in your mum

He is ghosting you as in the past you have always cracked and called him . Do not text , call , email or in anyway make contact with him . Let him come to you . Huge hugs op . Your strength astounds me . You're doing brilliantly xxx

Let's face it OP there is nothing he can say or do to make this OK.
It's not OK. Everything is far far far from OK.
And your world has been turned upside down and inside out. And he did this. He's been behaving very very badly for a long time, to your detriment.

But what really matters now is YOU SEE HIM!! You see all the lies and secrets he has been hiding from you. You see his deceit and his double life. You see all his faces now. He is exposed.

So if he is angry and abusive, or grovelling and apologetic, YOU SEE HIM,. You know whatever he does, whatever he says, will be part of his rouse to get you back in line, or alternatively threaten to "destroy you" for daring to defy him, for daring to be strong and not accept the half life of crumbs he has been throwing you.

Whatever he does doesn't really matter in the sense that he can't undo things. Sure he might be sorry you found him out, he might be kicking himself for misplacing his debit card, but none of that matters now.

He is exposed. You are in pain, but talking to him will fix nothing for you. You are going to have to fix yourself and rebuild your and your DC's lives.

He doesn't seem very sorry OP.